Act One.
Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Roz and Frasier are sat chatting. There are color charts on the table.
Roz: Why did I ever decide to redecorate my bathroom? They give
you about a thousand decisions to make. After a while, you
can't even tell the colors apart.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, perhaps my discerning decorative eye can be of some
assistance, let me see here.
He arranges three white panels in a row on the table.
Frasier: This one's Ecruel, that's Eggshell and this of course is
Nolove White.
Roz: Very good, Frasier. Now let's see how you do on the color
side. [turns them over]
Frasier: You know, Roz, I do hope you don't spend your entire vacation
redecorating. You know, you should get out, you know, have
some fun, maybe even take a cruise? You don't want to stay in
your apartment cooped up with a bunch of sweaty workmen.
Roz gives him a glance and he realizes.
Frasier: Bon Voyage.Roz: Thank you, and don't worry, Chuck Ranberg said he'd take
over for the week-
Frasier: No, no, absolutely not, Roz! The man's speech impediment
will make me giggle all week long.
Roz: Show a little compassion!
Frasier: Oh come on, you try dealing with a call screener who says,
"Doctaw Cwane, we have a kweptomaniac on wine fwee."
Roz: Well, who do you want to use?
Frasier: Well, actually, I was thinking of reaching out to the
community. You know, I was guest speaker last month at a
program called "Second Start." They offer career training
for people who are stuck in tedious, low-paying jobs. And,
em, well, I'd thought I'd give the job to one of those
students.
Roz: That's a great idea, Frasier. Sounds like a great program.
Chuck Ranberg enters.
[N.B. Chuck Ranberg is the name of one of the show's writers.]
Frasier: Oh dear, there's Chuck Ranberg. Roz, you've got to tell him
he doesn't have the job.
Roz: Why can't you tell him?
Frasier: I'm sorry, I can't hear the man speak without just descending
into giggles.
Roz: Oh, you are such a child!
Frasier: [mumbles hurrying her]
Chuck approaches them.
Chuck: Hi, guys.
Roz: Hey, Chuck, how's it going?
Chuck: Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawwibean and she weft
me for a Wastafawian!
Roz starts laughing uncontrollably as Frasier pats her arm trying to
cover up by pretending she is crying.
FADE TO:
Scene Two - Radio Station.
We see a Seattle tram pass by with an advert promoting Frasier's
show. There is a picture of Frasier and a slogan with the words "I'm
Listening."
CUT TO: The Studio.
Frasier is talking to the temporary call screener, Mary Thomas, a jolly
black woman of around thirty years.
Frasier: We only have a couple of minutes before the show, so listen,
tell me a little bit about yourself. How did you get
interested in broadcasting?
Mary: Well, after I got laid off from the bakery, I guess I had
some free time. So I took a few different night school
courses and when I got to the one in radio, it all clicked.
Frasier: Oh, well, isn't that funny? You know, I had almost exactly
the same experience. I first discovered psychiatry in Dr.
Badgley's epidemiology seminar at Harvard.
Mary: Except I bet you didn't walk though a metal detector to get
to class!
Frasier: No, no, but, you know, I did have to pass under a dangerously
unbalanced portrait of Alfred Adler in the Rotunda! [laughs]
Mary: We are practically separated at birth!
Frasier: Ten seconds, Mary, coming up.
Mary: Oh, I'm so nervous.
Frasier: Oh, you'll be fine, just relax.
Mary: Okay. [sits in her seat as Frasier sits in his]
Frasier: [on air] Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'm
listening. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce
someone who's going to bring her own flavor to the show
this week while Roz is gone. Say hello to Mary Thomas. [Mary
nods; encouraging her to talk] It's great to have you with
us, Mary. [Mary only smiles] You know, we want to get right
to your calls, folks. So, we'll be right back after this.
Frasier cuts to commercials as he goes into Mary's booth.
Frasier: Mary, I should mention that you should feel free to speak on
the air. You know, Roz often chimes in from time to time.
Mary: Oh, I can't believe I messed up so quickly.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, not at all, not at all. Just promise me that
you'll speak up when it feels right.
Mary: I will!
Frasier: Okay, great, I'm sure you have excellent instincts.
Mary: Five seconds.
Frasier: Right.
Frasier goes back to his seat.
Frasier: [on air] And we're back. All right, Mary, who's our first
caller?
Mary: [emphasized] Maria! [Frasier urges her to carry on] Er,
she's thirty-six years old... married five years... and
her husband's been staying late at the office so he can
meet with his secretary.
Frasier: [happy for Mary] That's the way to do it! [realizing]
I mean, I'm sorry, Maria, em, I'm Listening.
Maria: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. Anyway, he's having an affair and it's
not his first. This has been going on since we were
newlyweds. How do I get him to change?
Frasier: Well, Maria. You of course know it's impossible to force
anyone to change. But you can work to change yourself.
Usually women that tolerate this sort of behavior from
their husbands are suffering from low self-esteem issues,
you may need some counseling to resolve those issues. Let
me ask you a couple of questions...
Mary: May I say something?
Frasier: Yes.
Mary: Maria, Dr. Crane is right. You must make a change. And the
first thing you change is the lock on your front door.
Frasier: [not too pleased] What?
Maria: Oh, listen, there's plenty of time for counselors, but at
six o'clock locksmiths start charging extra, so you get on
it, girlfriend. You know, my Grampa Willie used to say,
"Nothing stops a man from playing the field faster than a
night out on the lawn." Okay? Okay!
Frasier: Oh, thank you, Grampa Willie!
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene Three - Radio Station – Some Time Later
Mary is giving more counseling.
Mary: Looky here, Tony. You're thirty-five years old. Now, your
parents only had you for the first eighteen, so if you want
to start blaming someone, maybe you need to blame yourself.
Okay? Okay!
Frasier: Actually, chronic rage problems usually stem from childhood...
Mary: All right, Dr. Crane, we're all out of time.
Frasier: [looks at clock] So we are. Well then, this is Dr. Frasier
Crane, saying goodbye Seattle, and good mental health. [goes
to press button]
Mary: And tune in tomorrow!
Frasier angrily punches the button with a bemused look.
FADE TO:
Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment.
The apartment is empty except for Daphne as she opens the door to
Niles who is carrying a certificate.
Niles: [full of the joys of spring] Hello, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, you're in a good mood today.
Niles: Hmm-mm, after six long weeks I have finally received my
yellow belt.
Daphne: Oh, aren't you lucky? I ordered some more Capri pants two
months ago and I'm still waiting.
Niles: No, no, no. As this handsome certificate will attest, I've
finally attained the second level of kickboxing.
Daphne: Oh, congratulations. What made you take up kickboxing?
Niles: Well, in order to protect Mel. Er, as you know, she's a
plastic surgeon. She has a habit of slipping her card to
total strangers who she feels could use her services. So far
no harm done, but... [pours sherry]
Daphne: But it's only a matter of time before you get your lights
punched out?
Niles: Exactly. It almost happened last week with Marjorie Dunsmore.
Luck was on our side, but next time there might not be a
walker to kick over, so... [beat] I think Dad'll be properly
impressed when I demonstrate my precision in footwork.
Niles demonstrates to Daphne and gets a little too close to the
Chihuly on the side.
Daphne: Oh! It's very impressive, Dr. Crane. You know, I just
remembered the Chihuly needs a good dusting.
Frasier: [enters and notices] Daphne, I thought you cleaned that
yesterday?
Daphne: Oh, did I?
Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. What brings you here?
Niles: Here to demonstrate my newly acquired feet [high kicks
shouting "hu-ho!"] of fury!
Frasier: Carry on, Daphne. [pours a sherry as Daphne exits to the
kitchen and Martin enters and sits in his chair]
Niles: Frasier, Frasier, who was that woman on your show today?
Frasier: Oh, that was Mary Thomas, she's filling in for Roz this
week.
Martin: It seemed to me like she was filling for you!
Niles: You're normally so particular about what happens on your
show. I'm surprised you let her go on like that.
Frasier: Well, I started to say something and then I thought, well,
it might be a bit condescending.
Martin: [sits] I know why you didn't say anything; cause she's black!
Frasier: Oh, that's ridiculous, Dad, race has nothing to do with it.
Niles: Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of
guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
Frasier: Niles, owning the CD of "Ella sings Gershwin" does not
qualify you as a soul brother!
Martin: You know, Frasier, there's such a thing as being too sensitive
about this stuff. Now if it was Roz blabbing on instead of
this Mary, you'd tell her to put a sock in it, right?
Frasier: Well, I suppose so, but, you know, this is different, Dad.
She's just starting out, I didn't want to squelch her
enthusiasm.
Martin: Because she's black.
Frasier: Dad, please, will you just stop saying that? Anyway, I will
just have to deal with it for a week until Roz gets back.
Martin: Black!
Frasier: Stop it!
Niles: [suddenly after a pensive time] My first roommate at Yale
was black!
Frasier: Huntington Treadwell III! It's hardly representative of the
African-American experience, Niles.
Niles: His father was a pioneer in Selma and Montgomery.
Frasier: Yes, I believe he built golf courses all over the South!
Frasier exits as Niles stands with his certificate.
Niles: Oh, speaking of golf, dad, I've become quite the sportsman
myself. [hands him certificate] What do you think of that?
Martin: Oh, it's very nice, son, but calligraphy really isn't a
sport! More of a craft.
Niles: No, no, no, this is for kickboxing, I finally reached yellow
belt, Dad.
Martin: He-hey, what do you know? I'm proud of ya!
Martin puts his hand up for a high-five but Niles backs away in fear.
Martin: No, come here. [they high-five]
Niles: You know, it requires a lot of talent. You have to have
timing and balance, the ability to strike and instantly
retreat.
Martin: [clarifying] So you kick them and then run away?
Niles: Yes. My instructor says I'm a natural. Can I show you
something?
Martin: [taking his beer onto another table for safety] Yeah, sure.
Niles: I'll show you a roundhouse kick, all right?
Niles does his maneuvers with his back to the kitchen. Daphne enters
from the kitchen with a tray of snacks and watches Niles in admiration.
Niles: You sense your assailant's presence. [weird eye movement] You
feel your body in the space. [weird feet movement] Know where
your opponent is and when you're ready... you strike!
Niles kicks behind him and inadvertently knocks Daphne flying onto
the table as she throws the bowl of snacks up behind her. She lands
on her wrist as Niles goes to help her.
Niles: What have I done?!
Martin: Are you all right, Daphne?
Daphne: Yes.
Niles: Really?
Daphne: [cries] No. I landed on my wrist, it's really throbbing...
Martin: Go get her some ice, Niles! [he does]
Frasier enters amongst the menagerie:
Frasier: You know, Dad, perhaps you're right. Maybe I am too
sensitive. [the phone rings] Daphne, could you get that,
please?
Frasier exits to the kitchen as the rest look around at him.
End of Act One.
Act Two.
Scene One - Radio Station.
Frasier and Mary are coming towards the end of their show.
Frasier: Gabe, you must remember that compulsive shopping is an
addiction. There are no simple solutions.
Mary: Oh, I've got one! Cut those credit cards up right now. Okay?
Okay!
Gabe: [v.o.] Thank you, Dr. Mary.
Frasier: You know, I hate to be a stickler here, Gabe, but as Mary
would be the first to point out: she is not a doctor.
Mary: Oh, I don't mind. Call me Dr. Mary. You know, Latifa's not a
real Queen, right?
[N.B. Kim Coles starred with Queen Latifah on "Living Single."]
Mary: Oh, you know what, doll babies, we're all out of time for
today.
Frasier: [looks at clock] So we are. Well then, this is Dr. Frasier
Crane...
Mary: ...and Dr. Mary!
Frasier: Saying goodbye Seattle and... [quick] good mental health.
[presses button before she can open her mouth]
Kenny enters.
Kenny: Hey, guys. [Mary enters to greet him] Just checking in to
see how things are going.
Mary: Are you kidding, it's a dream come true. [exits to her booth]
Kenny: [closes door between booths] So, er, you and Mary, what do
you think of her? Be honest.
Frasier: Well, I genuinely like her, she's delightful and dedicated.
Kenny: And...?
Frasier: Well, em, she does have a tendency to just sort of jump right
in there whenever she likes, you know, and frankly, her method
of solving problems is totally different than mine. [laughs to
cover fear of prejudice]
Kenny: [genuine laugh] Yeah, I'm nuts about her too. [Mary enters]
The contrast between you guys, that's what gets things
crackling. I always thought that your show was the gold
standard of radio shrink chatter. But this last week has
been even better!
Frasier: You think so?
Kenny: Absolutely! In fact, the boys upstairs would like to make
you two a permanent team. Oh, who am I kidding? There are
no boys upstairs, I just love this show! [imitating Mary]
Okay?
Mary: Oh, this is so exciting, I cannot believe it.
Frasier: Oh, me neither!
Kenny: And don't you worry about Roz. I'm just going to switch her
over to Gil's show. The hours are better and I'll even throw
in a twenty percent raise! Ah, this is going be great! I bet
within a month you guys are going to have the hottest
ratings in Seattle!
Mary: Oh, this is so wonderful, thank you both, really. I'm going
to go call my parents. [exits]
Frasier: Listen, Kenny...
Kenny: I know what you're feeling right now, Doc, and let me save
you the trouble. [opens arms] Come here, big guy!
Kenny hugs Frasier in enthusiasm as Mary enters.
Mary: I want some too!
Mary flings herself around Frasier, sandwiching him in.
We CUT TO: the streets of Seattle again. This time the tram has a
large picture of Frasier and a small picture of Mary with the caption,
"Frasier Crane featuring Dr. Mary"
FADE TO:
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Niles has taken on Daphne's role in the apartment. He has got Daphne
settled on the couch whilst Martin sits in his chair. Niles gives
Daphne a quiche.
Niles: Everything comfy, Daphne? There you are. This quiche should
hold you 'til dinner.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, you really don't need to fill in for me, it's just
a sprained wrist. I'm perfectly capable of cooking dinner.
Martin: The hell you are!
Niles: Daphne, it is the least I can do, believe me. Until you're
fully recovered, consider me your full-time stand-in. Oh,
which reminds me, Dad. I rented your favorite video. [hands
it to him]
Martin: [cheerful] Oh-ho, "Death Wish."
Niles: Oh, I'll get your beer, I'm just frosting the mug in the
freezer the way Daphne does.
He exits to the kitchen.
Daphne: I never frost your beer mug!
Martin: Oh, be quiet, will you? He's feeling very guilty and we have
to help him work through it.
Daphne: That is just baloney, and you know it. Shame on you, taking
advantage of your son, I don't know how you sleep at night!
Martin: Well, pretty good since he started putting a mint on my
pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed.
Daphne: He never leaves me cocoa.
Martin: You have to fill out that little card.
Daphne: Oh.
Daphne exits to her room as Niles enters with Martin's snacks.
Frasier also enters from the outside hallway.
Martin: Oh, Fras, how did the show go?
Frasier: [gives him a look] It was very educational. Today, Mary
taught us how to manipulate our husbands... by withholding
sex. And she taught us how to lie to our children about the
past.
Martin: [laughs with Niles] Boy, that Dr. Mary sure goes on and on.
Frasier: [angry] For the last time! - she is not a doctor, no matter
how many times she refers to herself as one. "A cat can have
kittens in the oven but that don't make 'em biscuits!"
[realizes] Dear God, now I'm quoting Grampa Willie!
[N.B. The drier version of this saying which Frasier might well already
know would be the Duke of Wellington’s aphorism that “a man may be born
in a stable, that doesn’t make him a horse.” He grew fond of saying it
in response to questions about whether he considered himself Irish or
English.]
Niles: For heaven's sake, Frasier, why don't you just talk to her?
Frasier: Well, it's a delicate situation, Niles. For God's sake, it's
not all that easy. I mean, she is new to the field, she's
sensitive, she's eager to please...
Martin: She's black!
Frasier: Dad, please!
Martin: Well, you know damn well that's what this whole thing's about.
I don't know what the big deal is, if she's talking too much,
just tell her to shut her big bazoo.
Frasier: Oh, really? How do you suggest I accomplish that without
sounding like a complete bigot?
Niles: Well, perhaps a little diplomacy is in order.
Frasier: Oh, are you saying I should just choose my words more
carefully, is that it?
Niles: Yes, exactly.
Frasier: [hot under the collar] Fine, fine, all right, Niles. Just
exactly how would that go?! Why don't you play me and I'll
be Mary.
Niles: All right. [calm] Er, Mary?
Frasier: [quick] Frasier!
Niles: I've been meaning to speak to you. You know, people listen
to the show for my expertise.
Frasier: Oh, so my opinion's not worth anything?
Niles: Well, I'm the one with the medical degree. Now I want you to
contribute, but only up to a point.
Frasier: So, you want me to stay in my place, Massa!
Niles: She's not going to say "Massa"...
Frasier throws in stereotypical African-American woman speech and
gestures, including the neck rolling.
Frasier: What, am I getting too uppity for you? You sherry-swelling,
opera-loving, Armani-wearing elitist! You have no idea how
difficult it is for a black woman in a white man's world!
Niles: Frasier...
Frasier: I don't think so! [breaking up] Look at me! This is
ridiculous. I have walked myself straight into a mine
field!
Niles: Listen, Frasier. I know you're trying to be sensitive, but
you're not showing this woman any respect if you're not as
honest with her as you would be with someone else.
Martin: Right, this is your show. When she gets her own show she can
say whatever she wants.
Frasier: [realizes] Wait a minute! You know what, Dad, you may be
onto something there. Gosh, I don't know why I didn't think
of that myself. You know what, I'm just going to call Kenny
and tell him to give her her own show. They're looking for
a replacement for "Let's Go Camping With Dan & Jenny."
Martin: What happened to them?
Frasier: They don't know. [on phone] Kenny, it's Frasier. Listen,
I've been thinking. You know what, I think I'm holding Mary
back. You know, a talent like hers should not be stuck in a
producer's chair. [happy to Niles and Martin] He agrees
with me!
Niles and Martin look at each other in satisfaction.
SMASH CUT TO:
Scene Three - Radio Station.
However, Kenny got the wrong end of the stick it seems as now Mary
and Frasier are both in the talent's booth on the same show.
Mary: [to microphone] Oh, I'll tell you what you do, you snap out of
it. You know why you're afraid to get married? You think
there's some room full of hoochy mommas out there that's
waiting for you, in case you don't want to do the right thing.
Let me tell you something, the only thing you're missing out
on is a lot of cold and lonely nights and I tell you what,
there's not one person out there that would disagree with me
on that.
However, Louise, the new African-American call screener seems to.
Louise: I do! I don't think he deserves that girl and if he's not
man enough to take that leap of faith then she's better off
without him!
Mary: Louise, is you trippin'? Girls...
Louise and Mary start arguing over each other. Frasier sits silently
between the two and in boredom takes a bite of cheese.
We then CUT BACK TO the Seattle tram. Now it's advertisement has Mary
and Frasier standing back to back with a little picture of Louise. It
now reads "They're Listening!"
FADE TO:
Scene Four - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is having a coffee as Roz enters and sits with him.
Frasier: Hi, Roz.
Roz: Hey, Frasier. I listened to your show for about twenty
minutes today, I didn't hear your voice.
Frasier: Well, I'm playing a diminished role these days. Although
still an important one. I am the glue that holds the show
together - or as Mary said in her intro, "The filling in our
little Oreo."
Roz: Well, it's no picnic working with Gil either. You know that
little joke that he makes before every show that his taste
buds are insured?
Frasier: Mmm.
Roz: They really are!
Frasier: Oh!
Roz: Guess who had to take the claims photo after he had to eat a
hot slice of pizza?
Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I'm so sorry.
Roz: You should be. I go away for a week and you give away our
whole show!
Frasier: Yes, I know. [Mary enters] Oh, Lord, there she is. You know
what, I could have nipped this whole thing in the bud if I'd
just been honest with her from the beginning. You know what,
perhaps the time's come for me to just tell her the truth.
Roz: Well, it sounds like an intense conversation. I think I'll
get out of here and give you a little room.
Frasier: Thank you, Roz.
Roz moves to the next table from which she can easily eavesdrop.
Frasier: Roz!
Roz leaves to the back of the café.
Mary: [comes over] Hey there, partner. Is there room for one more
at the doctor's table?
Frasier: Of course, Mary. Listen, there is something I want to talk
to you about.
Mary: Oh, I don't doubt it. Could you believe Louise today? She
just would not stop talking, would she?
Frasier: Well, it's not Louise...
Mary: Every time I turned around she's just yappity, yappity,
yappity, yap. I mean, what is her training anyway?
Frasier: Mary, please, just stop it, stop it. Please, the problem is
not with Louise, it's with you.
Mary: What?
Frasier: Well, the truth is, I... I don't enjoy working with you.
I haven't enjoyed working with you from the start. We have
different styles and I have absolutely no respect for the
advice that you give.
Mary: I... I had no idea. Well, why didn't you just say something
before?
Frasier: [pause] Well, it's because you're black. [she realizes] And
the truth is that I was afraid that if I said something
critical of you, you might react the wrong way... and I
feel just terrible about it.
Mary: Maybe you shouldn't feel so bad because...
Frasier: No, no, actually, I should. You see, I pride myself on being
able to communicate with just about anybody, and I couldn't
even be honest with you.
Mary: Oh, it's not that easy. You didn't want to disappoint me, I
understand. If you don't like the show the way it is right
now then that comes first. Like Grampa Willie used to say,
"If the shoe don't fit then that ain't your shoe."
Frasier: Well, you know, as much as I've come to loathe Grampa
Willie, that does actually make me feel a little better.
Mary: You know, I'll let you in on a little secret. All those
expressions? I made them up myself. [laughs] I'll give you
another reason not to feel so bad about all this. Today,
KPXY offered me my own show. I'm going to be just fine on my
own.
Frasier: Mary, that's wonderful news. So, you forgive me?
Mary: Well, I think you could have been honest with me. Then again,
if you'd told me to be quiet then I'd be back at the bakery.
Instead, I've got this brand-new career and this afternoon I'm
shopping for cars. So I guess what I'm saying is... God bless
your guilty white ass! Okay?
Mary kisses him on his forehead leaving a lipstick mark and then
exits. Frasier wipes it off as Roz arrives at his table.
Roz: So, how'd it go?
Frasier: Well, actually, better than I expected. I guess we're a team
again, Roz.
Roz: Great. [they shake hands] Well, you'll have to wait a little
while. I've got to stay with Gil at least until we find
another replacement.
Frasier: Oh yes, of course. Well, I can find somebody.
FADE TO:
Scene Five - Radio Station.
Frasier is doing his show.
Frasier: Thank you for your call, Jill. Well, Chuck, who else is on
the line?
It seems Frasier has hired Chuck Ranberg to act as his producer.
Chuck: Weww, Doctaw Cwane, we have Winda on wine fwee who bewieves
peopew are waffing at hew.
Frasier: [containing his laughter] Maybe we can just come back to
that one, shall we?
Chuck: All wightey!
Frasier controls his laughter again as we FADE OUT.
End of Act Two.
Credits:
Daphne is in her bed reading "To Love And Let Go" (rather apt for her
situation, don't you think?) when Niles comes, obeying Daphne's
little card, with a cup of hot cocoa. He hands it over and notices
the book. She is having some trouble turning the pages with the
bandage on her hand.
He takes it and begins to read it to her. It looks like she
is really enjoying his company. However, Martin then comes in asking
for his cocoa and tears Niles away from Daphne, to the disappointment
of both of them.