[1.4]I Hate Frasier Crane

[1.4]I Hate Frasier Crane

Act One.

 

I HATE FRASIER CRANE

 

 

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.

It's the early evening.  Frasier is playing a tune on the piano,

Martin is looking through some old police work, and Daphne is

busying herself in the kitchen.  Frasier turns round to find Eddie

staring at him.

 

Frasier: Dad, he's doing it again!  Must this dog stare at me all the time?

 Martin: I don't know.  Eddie - must ya? [Eddie carries on staring]

         Apparently he must.

Frasier: [to Eddie:] What is so fascinating about me?  What is it?

         Do you imagine I am a large piece of kibble?  Am I some

         sort of canine enigma?  Think about it, get back to me.

 

Daphne enters carrying a tray of food.

 

 Daphne: Here we are, gents, dinner's up. [to Martin:] Can I give you

         a hand clearing up your papers?

 Martin: No, you better let me.  I need to keep these in a particular

         order.

 Daphne: What is all this, anyway?

 Martin: Oh, it's an old case of mine from the police force - the

         "weeping Lotus" murder.

Frasier: Dad, I can't believe you're still trotting this old thing up.

         He's been trying to solve this case for twenty years.

 Martin: Yeah, and I'm not stopping until I do solve it.  You adopt

         certain instincts when you're a cop.  And my instinct tells

         me that this case can be cracked.  There just must be one

         small thing I keep overlooking. [tidies papers]

Frasier: There is - who the murderer was. [laughs]

 

The doorbell sounds and Frasier goes to answer it as Daphne and

Martin chat.

 

 Daphne: It's nice you feel so dedicated.

 Martin: It's a hobby.  Some guys build a boat in their garage, I try

         to figure out why a maniac would kill a hooker and try to

         stuff her entire body into a bowling bag.  It's relaxing!

 

At this point Frasier opens the front door to Niles who is carrying a

bottle of wine.  He enters and hands the wine to Frasier.

 

Frasier: Hello, Niles.

  Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier.  Just as we were leaving, Maris had a

         run-in with a rude directory assistance operator and it

         shattered her calm.

Frasier: Have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high

         strung?  Maybe she should see someone.

  Niles: She's seen everyone, why do you think she was calling

         directory assistance?

 Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane.

  Niles: Hello, Daphne.  It's so good to see you again. [she puts the

         meal down] What an enchanting scent you're wearing.

 Daphne: [smells herself] Must be the ranch dressing.  Won't Mrs.

         Crane be coming?

  Niles: No, I'm afraid.  And please, no more of this “Doctor and Mrs.

         Crane” formality.  To you, it's Niles and... [stumped] er...

Frasier: Maris.

  Niles: Yes, Maris.

 Martin: Glad you could join us, Niles.

  Niles: Oh, I wouldn't have missed it.

 Martin: Well, I guess the food's all ready: why don't we just go

         ahead and start?

 

Everyone sits down except Daphne who begins to take her food into

the kitchen.

 

 Daphne: Well, enjoy.

 Martin: Where are you going?

 Daphne: I thought I'd have mine in the kitchen.

 Martin: Don't be ridiculous.

  Niles: Yes, we can't have you eating by yourself in the kitchen.

         I'll join you.

 Martin: No.  We're all eating right here, like a family, end of

         discussion.

 Daphne: Well, isn't this nice?  Feels just like home.

  Niles: I'm famished.

Frasier: Me, too.

 

Niles and Frasier begin to eat...

 

 Martin: You boys still say a prayer before you eat?

 

They relent and pretend they do.  All four close their eyes and hold

their hands together.  As Martin begins his prayer, Niles stares at

Daphne as Eddie stares at Frasier.  Daphne does not notice with her

eyes shut.  However, Frasier notices Eddie's skin-creeping look.

 

 Martin: We thank you, Lord, for the food we're about to eat.  You have

         blessed our table with your palm.  And thank you, Lord, for

         bringing this family together and we also thank you for the

         other gifts you have given to us.  And may we always be able

         to share with those less fortunate...

Frasier: [to Eddie:] OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING!

  Niles: [off guard:] I wasn't staring!

 Martin: [takes what he can get] Amen.

 

They all settle down.  Daphne looks at Niles a little suspiciously

as he begins the meal conversation.

 

  Niles: So Frasier, did you happen to read Derek Mann's column

         today?  You were mentioned.

Frasier: No, I missed it.

  Niles: Just as well, it wasn't flattering.

Frasier: I still would have liked to have seen it anyway.

  Niles: Oh, why didn't you say so? [takes it out of his pocket]

 Daphne: If I may ask, who's Derek Mann?

 Martin: He writes that "Mann About Town" column for the Times.  The

         things that guys comes out with, sometimes he's really funny

         - what did he say about you?

Frasier: [reading:] I hate Frasier Crane.?

 Martin: [laughs, then:] Oh, sorry.

Frasier: That's it.  "I hate Frasier Crane."  That's it?

 Martin: Oh, don't let it bother you.

Frasier: Well, actually it doesn't, dad.  I knew when I chose a career

         in the public eye that I'd be open to certain criticisms,

         it's the price I pay for my celebrity.  Thank you, Niles, for

         bringing me the paper, and thank you for highlighting it in

         yellow!  Now, who would like some wine?

 Daphne: Oh, I'll have some.

 

Frasier goes to pour some as Niles compliments Daphne.

 

  Niles: Daphne, this salad is exquisite.

Frasier: [sitting down:] Now why would he say that?

 Martin: Must be the carrots, he always did like them.

Frasier: Not the salad, Derek Mann.  I mean, why would he write a thing

         like that?  I've never done anything to him, the attack is

         totally unwarranted.  I'm a healer, for God's sake.

 Martin: Oh, for crying out loud!

Frasier: Dad, I have every right to feel upset about this - I will

         not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs - in the

         trash.

 

Frasier goes to bin it as Niles tries to stop him.

 

  Niles: Oh, oh, there was an article in there I wanted to save.

 Martin: On what?

  Niles: Nothing.

 Martin: Come on, I'm interested.

  Niles: Oh, let's drop it.

 Martin: Why can't you tell me?

  Niles: All right, it was all about Margaret Thatcher's secret for

         growing prize-winning zinnias.  Are you happy?

 Martin: [beat] Not really.

 

FADE OUT

 

OH, YEAH...

 

 

Scene Two - Radio Station.

The following afternoon Frasier is taking a call on air in his booth

as Roz listens.

 

 Frasier: All right, Lorraine.  Now, calm down and try and listen to

          what I'm going to say to you.  Will you do that?

Lorraine: [v.o:] Okay.

 Frasier: All right, good girl.  Now your problem...

Lorraine: [beep] Oh my gosh, another call waiting - someone else is

          trying to get through.  Do you mind if I take it?

 Frasier: No, no.  Go right ahead. [she does] Well, certainly a very

          interesting situation she's got herself into.  Don't you

          think so, Roz?

 

Roz is busy eating and reading magazines.  She has to quickly chew her

food, put down her books just for the simple:

 

     Roz: Yes.

Lorraine: Okay, I'm back.

 Frasier: All right, Lorraine.  Now listen very carefully to what I'm

          going to tell you.  Your problem seems...

Lorraine: [beep] Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right back.

 Frasier: For someone who's got so many problems she certainly is

          popular. [laughs]

Lorraine: Okay, go ahead Dr. Crane.  I'm here. [beep] Oh, I don't

          believe it - another call.

 Frasier: Hold it there, Lorraine.  The reason why you want to take

          that other call is the same reason that you want to change

          your career and break up with your boyfriend.  You're

          obsessed with what you think you're missing.  The better

          offer, the call on the other line.  Well, you've got to take

          one call at a time from now on.  Fully explore and

          experience each one in its turn and you'll be a stronger

          person for it.  Do you follow me, Lorraine?

Lorraine: Okay, I'm back!

 Frasier: Thank you for your call. [hangs up] Well, we've only got

          two minutes left, so I would like to end today's program on

          a personal note.  As some of you may know, yesterday I was

          mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column.  He

          said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier

          Crane". [sarcastic:] What trenchant criticism.  Move aside

          Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a

          new kid in town.  One can only wonder how many hours Derek

          Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his

          trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef

          t'ouerve: "I Hate Frasier Crane."  A lesser critic would

          have wasted our time by presenting a well thought-out,

          point by point, constructive critique of this show.  No, not

          our Mr. Mann.  So dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column

          arrives on your front doorstep - read it, enjoy it, but

          above all, treasure it.  For one day this man will be joining

          the Pantheon of the immortals.  And if we're lucky... it'll be

          one day soon.  I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. [signs off]

 

FADE TO:

 

YEAH!

 

 

Scene Three - Cafe Nervosa.

The following afternoon Frasier is drinking a coffee in the Cafe with

Roz when Niles enters and sits with him.

 

  Niles: Frasier, how funny running into you here.

Frasier: I'm always here.

  Niles: Yes well, you weren't here twenty minutes ago: have you seen

         today's "Times"?

Frasier: [knowing what's coming:] No.

  Niles: Lucky for you I saved you this copy.  Take a look at Derek

         Mann's column.

Frasier: You know, this is the second time in as many days that you

         have given me a paper.  Have you ever considered getting

         yourself a route?

  Niles: [to Roz:] Hello, I don't believe we've met.

    Roz: Yes we have, Niles, three or four times.  Roz Doyle.

  Niles: Oh, of course.  It was at the... it was during the... well, I'm far

         too successful to feel awkward.  Where did we meet?

    Roz: The radio station.

  Niles: Ah, I'll take your word for it.  Nice to see you again. [then, 

         to Frasier:] Mr. Mann heard your program yesterday.

Frasier: So I see. [reading:] Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane

         got on my case for not giving him a point by point criticism

         of his radio show.  Well, he asked for it, so here goes.?

    Roz: [noticing:] Oh my god, his entire column is about your show.

  Niles: Not very flattering either.  Towards the end he even attacks

         your "dimwitted sidekick call screener."

    Roz: [appalled:] That's me!

  Niles: Oh, now I remember you!

Frasier: [reading:] It's hard to say what I hate most about Crane's

         show this pompous, sanctimonious style, his constant self-

         congratulatory references to his own life, or his voice: a mock-

         sympathetic tone so sickly sweet one wonders if the man

         graduated from medical school or from some mind-controlling

         cult.?

  Niles: It's continued on twelve.

Frasier: I've read enough!

 Waiter: [asking:] Can I get you something?

Frasier: [to Niles:] How can the man think something like that?

 Waiter: It's my job, I'm a waiter.

Frasier: We don't want anything, thank you.

    Roz: Frasier, I know this stinks, but in a couple of days it'll

         blow over.

Frasier: Oh, perhaps you're right.  As angry as it makes me, to

         retaliate would be to stoop to his level.  So the best

         response is no response at all.

 

FADE TO:

 

Scene Four - Radio Station.

Soon after these comments he is already shouting into his microphone

about the recent newspaper report.

 

Frasier: [angry:] “Pompous and sanctimonious” am I?  Well, this Mann

         character can't even write grammatical sentences!  Every

         five words there's one of his precious "dot, dot, dots."

         Must be because he likes writing all those dots with the

         crayon he writes this drivel in!

 

Roz, who looks like she has been listening to him rant for quite

a while, tries to steer him back to the show.

 

    Roz: Dr. Crane, on line two we have Stewart who's having a

         problem with delayed gratification.

Frasier: Well, he's just going to have to wait!  I don't know who this

         Derek Mann thinks he is, but if he thinks he can hide behind

         his newspaper like some sniveling schoolchild cowering

         behind a tree, then I say let's expose this Derek Mann for

         what he is: not a man at all, but half a man! [to Roz:] Now

         what line did you say Stewart was on?

    Roz: He hung up.

Frasier: Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today.

         Let's see who's on line five. [he presses button:] Hello,

         this is Dr. Frasier Crane - I'm listening.

  Derek: [v.o:] Good, because I was listening too.

Frasier: And you are?

  Derek: Derek Mann.

Frasier: [regretting:] I see.

  Derek: Look, nobody calls me half a man - especially some Ivy League

         twit.  So what do you say we settle this like men?

Frasier: Are you implying that you want to fight me?

  Derek: I'm not implying, I'm saying.

Frasier: Fight, as in a fist fight?

  Derek: [sarcastic:] No, I thought we might throw pies at each

         other!  So are you up to it, or aren't you man enough?

Frasier: [thinks] We'll be right back after these messages.

 

Frasier signs off for commercials as we fade out.

 

End Of Act One. (Time: 11:05)

 

Act Two.

 

Scene One - Radio Station.

The scene resumes where we left off.  The commercials have finished

and Frasier gets back to his radio show.

 

Frasier: And we're back.  Well, we have a surprise caller on the line:

         Derek Mann.

  Derek: [v.o:] So what's it going to be, Crane, are you going to

         fight me or not?

Frasier: Oh, you can't be serious.

  Derek: Just like I figured, you're chicken.

Frasier: No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that

         way.  You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion

         about that subject?  Who do we have on the line?

    Roz: Well, lines one through eight are people who think you're chicken.

  Derek: You're chicken, Crane.  Admit it!

Frasier: I am not chicken!

  Derek: [squawks like a chicken]

Frasier: We are mature thinking people, not cavemen!

  Derek: [squawks some more]

Frasier: Alright, if you want a fight so bad, I'll give you a fight!

         You just say the time and place!

  Derek: Kinsley square, right outside your office, by the old

         statue.  Noon tomorrow.  Don't back out!

Frasier: I won't!  Don't you back out either because I know where your

         office is too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you

         down!  Now who else out there wants a piece of me?!

 

FADE TO:

 

ET TU, EDDIE?

 

 

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.

That evening Martin is searching through his old case as Daphne

passes him.

 

 Daphne: Having a look at that old murder case again?

 Martin: Yeah, I've dug out the old crime scene photos.

 Daphne: Well, don't be a greedy guts - let me have a look.

 

Daphne has a look at the photo of the girl.  After a while her psychic

powers kick in.

 

 Daphne: Her name was Helen.

 Martin: Yeah, it was. [knowing her trick:] Ah, you must have seen it

         on some of my papers I've had lying around here.

 Daphne: No, I just got this feeling when I touched the picture.

 Martin: You're putting me on.

 Daphne: She had a lot of men in her life.

 Martin: No kidding: she was a hooker!

 Daphne: No, I mean she had four brothers.

 Martin: [surprised:] That's amazing.  She did have four brothers.

         What else are you getting?  Well, come on, tell me more.

 Daphne: I can't just turn it on and off like a faucet.

 Martin: Give it a try, will you?  Please.  What else are you getting?

 Daphne: Nothing. [suddenly:] No, wait.  I see a man.

 Martin: Yeah?

 Daphne: A well-dressed man.  He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat.

 Martin: Yeah?  Yeah?

 Daphne: He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long

         hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the

         door...

 

At this moment, a well-dressed man enters the apartment wearing wing

tips and a trench coat - it's Frasier.

 

Frasier: Hello, everyone.

 Daphne: Sometimes I get my signals crossed.

Frasier: What's going on?

 Martin: Well - unless you killed a hooker when you were twelve -

         nothing much!

 Daphne: We heard your show today.  I just loved the way you handled

         that Derek Mann.

 Martin: You made your old man proud.  Yet the best part was when he

         challenged you to a fight and you stood right up to him.

Frasier: [worried:] Yes I did, didn't I?

 Martin: I can't wait to see that.

Frasier: Oh, I'm not actually going to go through with it, dad.

 Martin: What are you talking about?

Frasier: Well, I already won our little war of words.  What would I

         stand to benefit by going through with actually going

         through with a fist fight?

 Martin: Frasier, maybe I'm misunderstanding here... he challenged

         you and you're backing down?

Frasier: Well, mature people are supposed to use their intellect to

         settle their differences.

 Martin: A man doesn't just turn his tail and run - that's not the

         way I brought you up.

Frasier: Are you encouraging me to fight?

 Martin: You bet I am - you gave the guy your word.

Frasier: Yes, but I didn't even know what I was saying - I hadn't even

         had lunch yet.

 Martin: I might have known this would have happened.  It's Billy Kreizel

         all over again.

Frasier: What did you say?

 Martin: Something about a Billy Kreizel, I believe.

Frasier: I can't believe you're dragging that up - that was thirty

         years ago.

 Daphne: Who's this Billy Kreizel?

Frasier: Oh, he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me!

 Martin: So one day Frasier made fun of Billy's crewcut.

Frasier: Well, he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my

         blazer!

 Martin: Well, the point is, they were supposed to meet for a fight

         after school.  Only "Patches" here didn't show up!

Frasier: I had a clarinet lesson!

 Martin: You don't need to remind me of that!  Billy's old man was a

         cop, too.  Boy, the guys rode me about that excuse of yours for

         years.  Every time I couldn't make it out for a drink they

         used to say, "What's the matter?  You got a clarinet lesson?"

 Daphne: [wondering:] Couldn't you and Billy have met after the

         clarinet lesson?

Frasier: Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment!

 Daphne: [gets up:] I have a feeling I'm going to be excused quite a

         lot in this house.

 

She exits to the kitchen.

 

Frasier: [sarcastic:] Dad, I am sorry if I embarrassed you for not

         fighting Billy Kreizel thirty years ago.  But the situation

         is not the same now.

 Martin: It's exactly the same.

Frasier: I am an adult now, I've been to medical school, I hold a

         certain position in this city - I do not settle my

         differences with brawling.

 Martin: The man challenged you and you accepted.

Frasier: Dad, I can't believe this.  You won't be happy until I come

         home with a black eye.

 Martin: I just want you to do what you said you were going to do.

         You know, you can talk about your medical school, your

         intellect, your place in this city, but you know what?  It's

         all one big clarinet lesson... I can't even look at you.

 

Martin exits to the kitchen, angry with his son.  Frasier is left with

little dignity and looks at Eddie for a little support.  However, even

Eddie turns his face away from him.  Frasier can only sulk.

 

[N.B. Billy Kreizel is the name of a boy who bullied director David Lee

in the sixth grade.]

 

FADE TO:

 

REQUIEM FOR A LIGHTWEIGHT

 

 

Scene Three - Cafe Nervosa.

The next day, Frasier is preparing for the big fight whilst chatting

with Roz.

 

    Roz: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I

         notice the garbage man looking right in at me.  So I say,

         "Did you get a good look?"  And he says, "Not completely,

         turn around."  Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth,

         and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.

Frasier: Roz, why are you telling me this story?

    Roz: I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five

         minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and

         get your clock cleaned.

Frasier: Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win

         this fight?

    Roz: Your shoe’s untied. [Frasier checks his tied shoes] If you

         fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down

         hard.

  Niles: [enters] Frasier, there's quite a crowd forming out there.

         Secretaries with bag lunches, business men, children with

         balloons...

Frasier: All that's missing is a mariachi band.

  Niles: They're setting up.

    Roz: Well, I better go find a great place in the crowd.  I'll be

         off to the left, Frasier, for when you tear his ear off and

         want to throw it to a beautiful senorita.

 

She leaves the Cafe   Niles looks at Frasier.

 

  Niles: Frasier, as your brother and as your friend - why are you

         doing this?

Frasier: It's Billy Kreizel.

  Niles: [looking around:] Where?

Frasier: [shakes head] He's not here, Niles.  It's just that I ran away

         from him when I was ten.

  Niles: I remember.

Frasier: You know, I've been running ever since.  You know, this is

         where it stops.  I'm not running anymore.

  Niles: What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets?

 

As he says this, he takes his nail file out of his coat pocket

and buffs his nails.  He blows on them and offers the file to

Frasier which he refuses.

 

Frasier: [sarcastic:] Chalk it up to random violence!

 

Niles nods in agreement and exits the Cafe   Martin enters.

 

 Martin: Hey, there.

Frasier: Dad?  What are you doing here?

 Martin: Look son, I said a couple of things last night that maybe

         went over the line.

Frasier: Look dad, if you were worried that you talked me into

         something that I wasn't ready to do ?well, you're wrong. 

         You can relax.  I took this on for myself.

 Martin: Good.

Frasier: Who told you that I was going through with it, anyway?

 Martin: Oh, let's just say a father knows certain things about his son.

 

They smile.  Daphne enters.

 

 Daphne: Good news, I parked in front of a broken meter.  We're getting

         a freebie.  Well, good luck, Dr. Crane, with the fight.

Frasier: Thank you, Daphne.  Any psychic predictions on the outcome?

 Daphne: Actually, yes.  But don't worry, I'm frequently wrong.

 

Frasier removes his jacket and tie.  Niles comes in.

 

  Niles: Frasier, Frasier, there's something I want you to see.

         [points out of window:] There, the man standing to the left

         of the statue - I recognize his picture from the newspaper,

         that's Derek Mann.

Frasier: He's gigantic!

 Daphne: [looking out:] My God, you could show a movie on his back!

 Martin: Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Frasier: Yes, yes I am.

 

Frasier throws a few shadow punches to loosen himself up.

 

 Martin: Good, you'll be fine.  Just remember this is a street fight

         and not a boxing match.  So fight dirty and throw the first

         punch!

 Daphne: I found that a swift knee to the groin usually does the

         trick. [cocky:] If you have any doubts, check with a fellow

         in Manchester named Nigel Tavers.

  Niles: [begins to leave:] Well, if we want an unobstructed view...

Frasier: [stops him:] Look, I prefer if you guys stay here.  You'll

         only make me nervous.

 Martin: Whatever you want.

 

They all wish Frasier good luck.  As he exits the mariachi band

strikes up.  They all move over to the window to look out.

 

 Martin: They've got a mariachi band out there!

  Niles: I'll have to get their card, I need someone for our summer

         barbeque.

 Daphne: Oh look, they’re starting the fight.

 Martin: Nah, they’re just circling, sizing each other up.  Come on,

         Frasier, if you're going to hit him, hit him now!

 

They all shout encouragements, then police sirens are heard.

 

  Niles: Is that the police?

 Martin: Yeah, what are they doing here?

 Daphne: They're breaking it up!  Just when they were getting started.

 

Shouts are heard from the crowd hurling insults at the police force.

The officer marches Frasier right into the Cafe

 

Frasier: Alright, I'll come along peacefully - let me just get my

         jacket.

Officer: Relax, I'm not arresting you.  But I'm warning you that in

         this town we don't settle our differences with street fights

         - no matter who you are.

Frasier: Well thank you, officer, you'll have no more trouble from me.

Officer: Okay. [exits]

Frasier: Dad, dad, did you see me?  My hands are trembling, my chest

         is pounding, my mouth is all dry, my knees are like jello...

         God, I feel great!

 Martin: You did good.

Frasier: Yeah, I was out there.  I was raring to go, you saw that...

 Martin: I know you were.  You would have kicked his butt!

 Daphne: From here to Tacoma.

  Niles: [shouting:] I think we should celebrate!  Everyone, a round

         of victory lattes on me.

 

As the gang celebrate, Martin walks up to the officer on the door.

 

 Martin: Thanks Harry, I owe you one.

Officer: No problem, Marty.

 Martin: You cut it pretty close, though.  Another minute, then Frasier

         would have been sidewalk litter.  He would have been lunch

         meat.

Officer: Say, some of the guys are getting together later at Duke’s.

         Why don't you come along?

 Martin: Yeah, maybe I will.  And you know why I will?  Because the

         Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons anymore.

Officer: What the hell are you talking about?

 Martin: [embarrassed:] Oh that's right, you weren't in my precinct.

 

End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:10)

 

Credits:

 

Frasier's Apartment:

Eddie is sat on a chair staring at a picture of Frasier looking mad.

He doesn't take his eyes off him.