Act 1Scene 1 - The Radio Station.
Fade in. Frasier is on the air.Frasier: Go ahead, Sophie, I'm listening.
Sophie: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. My husband's having some of his friends
over to watch the game Sunday, and I think it'd be nice if I
could have some of my girlfriends over too.
Frasier: Sounds reasonable.
Sophie: Exactly. I mean, it's just football.
Larry: [in the background] Not football, Einstein, the Super Bowl.
Frasier: Ah, that would be your doting husband now.
Sophie: Larry, this is a private conversation. And for God's sake,
use a plate!
Frasier: Sophie, why don't you put your husband on the line?
Sophie: Pick up.
Larry: Ah, geez. [picks up, louder] Hello!
Frasier: Larry, I gotta tell you, I'm afraid I side with your wife
on this one.
Larry: That just proves you don't know the first thing about football.
Frasier: What I do or do not know about football has...
Larry: OK, how's this: My wife's friends can come over if you can
answer even one little football question. Like...
Frasier: Now, I don't see that that's in any...
Larry: You're down by six, you're on your own forty, three seconds
left, what do you do?
Frasier: Well, all right, you would...
Roz gets his attention and grabs two telephone handsets.Frasier: You would take your receivers, [Roz sets them together]
and line them up, [she pretends to throw] and then throw
a pass. [big throwing gesture] A long, long pass.
Larry: Yeah, and what's the name for that?
Roz gets down on her knees, crosses herself, and prays with an innocent
look on her face.Frasier: A Hail Mary. [Roz gives him the thumbs up.] Sophie and Larry,
I hope you enjoy the game. In the meanwhile, this is Coach
Crane saying, I'm listening.
Roz comes over to change some tapes on Frasier's console.Roz: I'm impressed you're so good at charades.
Frasier: I'm impressed you could mime a virgin. So, Roz, you walkin'
out?
Roz: No, I got stuff I gotta do. I've got some carts to rack,
and I want to put together some Best of Crane tapes.
Frasier: Oh, your mother's still in town?
Roz: In town, in my apartment, and when I left this morning, in my
refrigerator, smelling my milk!
Frasier: Oh, lord.
Roz: I, I love her, I just wish I could get a couple of hours to
myself one night.
Frasier: Well, why don't you just ask her? She might enjoy a little
time to herself. I know my dad does.
Roz: You are so lucky. I wish my mother drank alone.
They walk over to Roz's side.Frasier: You know, Roz, your mom's about the same age as my dad,
isn't she?
Roz: Yeah, I guess.
Frasier: Does she date much?
Roz: Since my father left, practically never... no, hang on...
Frasier: No, no, hear me out, Roz. Now, Dad hasn't dated anybody
since he and Sherry broke up, I'm starting to worry he's
lost his nerve. A date with your mom could be a tremendous
favor to him.
Roz: I don't know.
Frasier: Oh, come on, I'll tell you what: I know it's awkward but
there's a way to minimize that. Niles and I are having
dinner with him tonight. We'll take him to McGinty's,
he'll feel comfortable, you and your mother can just happen
by. We'll see what transpires, you know, they'll never
even know it's a fix-up.
Roz: Oh, what the hell, I'll give it a shot, I guess. How's
five sound?
Frasier: Five? Your mother is ready for dinner at five?
Roz: I keep her on Wisconsin time, that way she's in bed by eight.
Frasier walks out. FADE OUT.
A.K.A THE LAST ONION
OUT OF POMPEII
Scene 2 - McGinty's
Fade in. Niles and Frasier are sitting at a table, Martin brings a
plate over.Martin: Hey, look what I got here, boys! A Funion Onion. The chef
sent it over with his compliments.
Frasier: I wonder what his insults are like.
Martin: [to a waitress] Hey, Bonnie!
Bonnie: Hey ya, Marty. Oh, you must be Frasier, the big radio star.
Frasier: Oh, yes. Hello.
Bonnie: Your dad is so proud of you, he talks about you all the time.
Who's your friend?
Martin: Now, what's wrong with you? I told you about my other son.
Bonnie: [shaking Niles's hand] Oh, of course, what am I thinking?
Nice to meet you, Eddie.
Martin: This is Niles. How 'bout some beers, Bonnie?
Bonnie: Coming right up.
Niles: Oh God, look. The group coming in the door, they're from
the Shangri-La.
A group of guys come over and punch Niles on the shoulder. He puts up
his fists and weaves back and forth.Jimbo: Whoa, it's the Coyote!
Niles: Evening, evening, Jimbo. Check you later.
The guys go over to the bar.Martin: Wow, you got a nickname down there already. That's great!
The Coyote?
Niles: Yes.
Frasier: And how did you earn that honorific?
Niles: Oh, it was quite the merry road. Yes. It evolved from
Niles to Nilesy to Niley to Nile E. Coyote and now simply
"The Coyote."
The guys at the bar start howling at him.Niles: Oh, well, just when I thought it couldn't be refined any
further.
Roz and her mother, Joanna, come in.
[N.B. Eva Marie Saint's first (and Oscar-winning) film role was
as Edie Doyle, Marlon Brando's love interest in 1954's "On the
Waterfront."]
Frasier: Oh, goodness, look who's here! Roz!
Roz: What? We don't see enough of each other during the day?
Frasier: Hello, Joanna.
Joanna: Nice to see you again, Frasier.
Frasier: Nice to see you again, too. Please, won't you sit down and
join us?
Joanna: Oh, no, we don't want to intrude.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, please, the more the merrier.
Roz: All right. Mom, this is Frasier's dad, Martin Crane. This
is my mom, Joanna Doyle.
Martin: Very nice to meet you. And this is my other son, Niles.
Niles: How do you do?
Joanna: It's a pleasure.
DISSOLVE TO: after dinner. Martin and Joanna have cleaned their
plates, while the others still have food.Frasier: Roz, will you just look at the two of them.
Roz: How did you two manage to finish all that?
Joanna: Oh, please. This is how our generation ate every day. I used
to live on cigarettes, whiskey sours and bacon cheeseburgers.
Martin: Yeah, and what about breakfast? Fried eggs, sausage patties,
hash browns...
Niles: My God, last night I ate a profiterole and lay awake 'til dawn
waiting for my heart attack.
Joanna: Those were simpler times, weren't they, Marty?
Martin: Oh yeah, we didn't worry about dumb things like cholesterol.
We worried about puttin' food on the table, keepin' the yard
clean and the car shiny.
Joanna: And the H-bomb.
Martin: Well, yeah, that.
Frasier: Say, Roz, we better be going if we're going to get that
work done tonight.
Niles: Oh, I should be going too.
Roz: Mom and me are going to that jazz club on Fifth.
Frasier: But we promised to finish those promos tonight.
Roz: Oh, right. Mom, I'm sorry, I totally forgot.
Joanna: It's OK.
Frasier: Wait, I've got an idea. Uh, Dad, since I'm kidnapping Roz,
why don't you take Joanna to the jazz club?
Martin: Well, sure, I'd love to.
Roz: Is that OK with you, Mom?
Joanna: If Martin's game, I'm game.
Frasier: Oh, well, perfect. OK, you kids just have some coffee,
we'll see you back at the apartment later, OK?
Joanna: All right.
Niles: Very, very nice to meet you.
Joanna: Thank you.
Roz, Frasier and Niles go to pay the check.Joanna: Look at them. They think we don't know this is a setup.
Martin: Well, how could we figure it out? We're just a retired
detective and an attorney general. [they laugh]
CUT TO: Roz and Frasier by the bar.Roz: You were absolutely right, they didn't suspect a thing.
Frasier: I told you Roz, just leave it to the master.
FADE OUT.
Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment.
Fade in. Daphne is sitting in Martin's chair eating popcorn and
watching television. Roz brings another bowl in from the kitchen.
Frasier is on the couch.Roz: God, I thought they'd be home by now.
Frasier: Roz, will you please relax and watch the pageant with us?
They're right in the middle of the talent competition.
[She sits next to him.]
Daphne: It's shameless the way they're sucking up to the international
panel of judges. Miss Germany just played "Lady of Spain" on
a French horn.
Frasier: Roz, you're gonna chew that nail right off. Stop it.
Roz: I can't help it. I'm nervous. Do you think it's gonna
turn out OK?
Frasier: Who cares?
Daphne: Not for Miss Brazil. Look at the tree trunks on her.
She's her own little rain forest.
Roz: I just keep worrying that she's gonna have a lousy time,
and it will be all my fault. Screwing up, like always.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz. Your mother doesn't think you're a screwup.
Roz: Oh, yeah? In high school, I ran my own informal shoplifting
clinic. In college, I dropped out of pre-law because it
interfered with Bruce Springsteen's touring schedule. And
now I'm an unwed mother. What would you call me?
Daphne: Tramp.
Frasier: Daphne!
Daphne: It's Miss Venezuela. If that dress of hers was slit any
higher, you could see Caracas.
Frasier stares at the set, Roz has to nudge him to get his attention.
Frasier: Oh, oh, Roz. You know what? So what if they don't get along?
So we made a mistake.
Roz: [getting up for some sherry] You don't understand. My mother
doesn't make mistakes. She does everything well. She's
smart, successful, classy... oh, what the hell was I thinking?
Frasier: [rising] About what? Setting her up with my father?
Roz: No, that's not what I meant.
Frasier: That is exactly what you meant!
Roz: Well, OK, Frasier. No offense, your father is a very nice
man, but let's face it: My mother was the attorney general
of Wisconsin.
Frasier: Well I hope he remembers to curtsey before the Dairy Queen!
Daphne: [getting up] This is ridiculous. I'm going to watch this
in my room. Miss Finland just laid out her plan to end
world hunger, and I missed it!
She goes off to her room. There is the sound of the key in the lock
at the front door.Frasier: Oh, lord.
He and Roz hurry to sit on the couch.Frasier: Oh, Roz, that is the best promo of all.
Roz: Oh, hi! How was your evening?
Joanna: Oh, the jazz was first rate. But I'm afraid I talked
Martin's ear off.
Martin: Oh, you're crazy. Your mother tells wonderful stories, Roz.
I could have listened to her all night.
Joanna: You are either too kind or a little tipsy. But thank you.
Come on, Lammy. I really had a lovely time.
Martin: Well, I can't remember when I had a better time. We're
gonna have to do this again.
Joanna: Bye, Frasier.
Frasier: Goodnight, Joanna. Lammy.
They leave and Frasier turns to Martin.Frasier: [grinning] So... Tell me all about it.
Martin: Well, being a gentleman, I don't want to go into the details,
so suffice it to say, it STUNK!
Frasier: What?
Martin: [putting up his coat] That was the dullest evening of my life.
The way she drones on and on. Do you know how many metric
tons of eggs Wisconsin produces every year?
Frasier: No.
Martin: Well, I do!
Frasier: Oh...
Martin: Look, Frasier, I know you meant well, but if you ever set me
up again, I'll kill you in your sleep. Goodnight.
He goes off to bed. There is a quiet but insistent knocking at the
door. Frasier opens it to reveal Roz.Roz: [excited] I told my mom to meet me downstairs. I just had
to come up and tell you. She had the best time! She can't
wait to go out with your father again. Will you tell him
to call her tomorrow? Oh, Frasier, this whole thing worked
out like a dream!
Martin: [crossing to the kitchen] It's amazing! Her voice is still
echoing in my head!
Frasier: Yes, it's like a fairy tale over here, too.
Roz leaves. FADE OUT.
End of Act 1
Act 2
Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa.
Fade in. Frasier and Niles are standing at the counter.Frasier: I've just got to find some way to tell Roz.
Niles: Why? It's just going to hurt her mom's feelings.
Frasier: Her feelings are going to be hurt anyway. She's here 'til
Sunday. She's expecting him to call. Oh, dear God. At
least this way Roz can let her down easy.
Their coffees come.Niles: Looks like both of us have difficult conversations ahead of
us.
Frasier: What's yours?
Niles: All week long, I have been getting less coffee and more foam
in my cappuccino. It's about time for someone to raise a
little hell. Who's on steamer duty?
Frasier: Well, it's that hulking fellow, Thad. The one who doesn't
react when his arm touches the steamer nozzle.
Thad comes from the back. He is huge.Niles: Where is that suggestion box?
He walks over and Roz comes in.Roz: Oh, hey Frasier.
Frasier: Hi, Roz.
Roz: Double espresso to go, please. [Roz and Frasier sit.]
Listen, I really need to thank you again. My mother had the
best time last night. And when we got home, WE started
talking. We ended up staying up half the night.
Frasier: Oh, Roz I'm glad for you, but...
Roz: It was like a wall came down. She just opened up to me.
She started talking about how hard it was on her when my
dad left, and how lonely she's been, and it was like she
was talking to a girlfriend instead of her screw-up
daughter. So, has Martin called her yet?
Frasier: No. But he will. Soon. Uh, he had a really busy morning.
Roz: Well, how does this weekend look? 'Cause she's leaving
Sunday night.
Frasier: Sunday? Oh, well let's see, tonight is poker night, that's
no good. Saturday he's made plans to, uh, drive Duke to
Tacoma for that all day... Tacoma-Fest.
Roz: Well, on Sunday we go to a matinee and then I drive her to
the airport.
Frasier: Oh, darn.
Roz: Wait a minute. I can give my ticket to Martin and they can
go together.
Frasier: No, no, Sunday's no good, because that's the, uh...
Roz: Oh right, it's the Super Bowl!
Frasier: Right, the Super Bowl. You know how Dad is about football,
it's like a religion with him. In fact, he's made Niles
and I promise that we'd watch it with him this year.
Roz: Oh, well, OK. Let's just forget about the tickets and
we'll come over and watch the game. Is there any reason
why that won't work?
Frasier: Not that I can come up with.
Roz: That's great, my mom's going to be so excited. [She turns
to pay her bill, Niles takes it and puts it on the counter.]
Oh, thank you, Niles. I'll see you Sunday at your Super Bowl
party.
She leaves and Niles sits.Niles: [sitting] I see you told Roz the news and she went insane.
Frasier: Couldn't do it. Told her we were watching the Super Bowl
with Dad and she and her mother are coming over.
Niles: This is a nightmare!
Frasier: I know. I've got to find some way to tell Dad.
Niles: I have to watch the Super Bowl?!
Frasier: I suppose the sooner I tell him, the better.
Niles: Oh, not necessarily.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Niles: Well, you know Dad. If you warn him Joanna's coming over,
he'll just bolt to McGinty's. If I were you, I'd wait
until five minutes before game time and then spring it on
him. That way he has no choice but to stay.
Frasier: I think I owe him more than five minutes' warning. Besides,
Dad would never deliberately hurt Joanna standing her up.
He is first and foremost a gentleman.
Martin comes in.Martin: I saw Roz, so I hid outside in case that old gasbag of a
mother was with her. Well, I guess she wasn't, everybody's
still awake.
FADE OUT.
ROUGHING THE PASSER
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Martin is watching the pre-game as Frasier paces nervously.
Martin: Look at those guys in the locker room. Nervous, hearts
pounding, probably a little sick to their stomachs, poor
kids.
Frasier: Yes. Until I got out of high school, I didn't there was
any other way to feel in a locker room.
Martin: What's the matter with you? You keep looking at your watch.
Frasier: Was I?
Martin: Yeah. Is there something on your mind?
Frasier: No, no, but there's something I wanted to talk to you about,
but now's not the time.
The doorbell rings.Frasier: Now's the time.
Martin: Just let me get the door.
Frasier: No, Dad, Dad, that's what I have to talk to you about. You
see, that's going to be Roz and her mother.
Martin: What?
Frasier: Well, Joanna had such a good time with you the other night,
and you did say that you would see her again, and rather
than send her home with her feelings hurt, I had to tell
her you wanted her here.
Martin: What, like a date?
Frasier: Well, that's the beauty of it. It's like a date, but it's
not a date. Just, you know, make small talk, you pass the
dip.
Martin: No, Frasier, you don't understand...
Frasier: Now, Dad, I know you found her a little less than
scintillating, but please, it'll be over before
you know it.
Frasier opens the door, Bonnie is there.Bonnie: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Hi, Bonnie.
Bonnie: Martin.
Martin: Hey, Bonnie, glad you could make it. Let me hold this.
See, this is what I was trying to tell you, Frasier, I
invited Bonnie.
Frasier: [taking her coat] Oh, how nice.
Martin: Well, what do you got here?
Bonnie: Oh, it's my special deviled ham in the shape of a football.
But I still need to put on some macaroni laces.
Martin: Oh, the kitchen's right down there, just holler if you need
anything. [She heads over.]
Frasier: What did you invite her for?
Martin: Well, because I like her, and I thought I might want to ask
her out, and I thought if she came over for the game it
might be a step in the right direction. I mean "like a
date but not a date."
The doorbell rings again.Frasier: Now that's gonna be Roz and her mother.
Bonnie: Should I put some coffee on while I'm in here?
Martin: You better, we're gonna need it.
Frasier: Would you come on, Dad? Would it kill you to be civil for
the length of one Super Bowl? What is that, an hour out of
your life?
He opens the door to Joanna and Roz. Alice is with them.Martin: Hi! [The ladies shush them and motion to the baby.]
Sorry. Come on in.
Joanna: Thanks so much for inviting us.
Martin: Wouldn't be fun without you.
Roz: Frasier, could you show Mom where Alice can finish her nap?
Frasier: I'm sure Dad would love to.
Martin: My pleasure, just come this way, Joanna. So, you a big
football fan?
Joanna: No, actually I've never even seen a game. I was hoping
you'd explain as we go along.
They head down the hall, Martin pauses to glare at Frasier.Bonnie: [coming from the kitchen] OK, who's hungry? Oh, hey, I'm
Bonnie.
Roz: Hi, from McGinty's. I didn't know you were coming.
Bonnie: Yeah, Martin invited me. He was real cute about it. He
checked with all the waitresses to find out if I was single.
Roz: Oh. [She looks questioningly at Frasier.]
Frasier: Yes, well you know how Dad is always trying to, ah...
Niles comes in.Bonnie: Hey, the Coyote!
Frasier: Find a new girl for Niles. Niles, you remember Bonnie.
She waited on us at McGinty's.
Niles: Oh, of course. I'll have a vodka martini, very dry.
Frasier: Don't be silly, Niles. Bonnie is here as our guest.
Roz: Yeah, your dad thought you two might hit it off.
Niles: [not enthused] Oh.
Bonnie: [even less enthused] Oh.
Niles: The Superbowl and a date. Hot diggity!
Bonnie: Well, come here, you're just in time for my specialty.
Niles: Oh, I... [She pops a cracker in his mouth.] Mmmm! Isn't
that interesting! Something formerly ham.
Daphne: [coming from her room] Well, I'm off to the cinema.
Niles: You're not staying for the game?
Daphne: Sorry, but Ameican football's not for me, and they're
showing "Wuthering Heights" downtown. I think it's the
most romantic movie ever made.
Niles: You're going alone?
Daphne: Yes, unfortunately. It's more fun to go with someone,
except of course it always ends the same way: Me weeping
all over me date's shoulder while he does what he can to
comfort me.
Bonnie: Oh, you should have seen me cry putting onions in this ham
loaf. I must've gone through a whole roll of toilet paper.
Daphne: Well, enjoy your game.
Niles: Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?
Martin and Joanna come back.Martin: That's amazing! You do all you do and you still have time
to be a docent at the cheese museum on the weekends?
Frasier, can I see you in the kitchen?
Frasier: Just a second, Dad, I gotta take drink orders in here.
Cut to the kitchen. Martin comes in as Niles is rinsing his mouth
at the tap.Niles: Thanks for setting me up with that Spam-happy tootsy.
Martin: What are you talking about?
Niles: Bonnie. Frasier told me you invited her here for me.
Martin: I invited her here for me. He probably said I invited her
for you because he didn't want to upset Miss Boring's
feelings.
Frasier: [entering] Now, now, no private conversations. Your dates
are waiting.
Martin: They're not our dates!
Niles: We hate them!
Frasier: Now listen. I realize that this is a very difficult
situation, but if we all cooperate, we can send everybody
home happy. Dad, if you would like, you can discretely
take Bonnie aside and tell her what's going on.
Martin: Bonnie, can I tell you something?
Frasier: I said DISCRETELY!
Cut to the living room.Joanna: I think the game is about to start.
Roz: Oh, that reminds me, I want to get Alice's bottle warming.
Bonnie: Oh, you have a baby?
Joanna: Oh, the most adorable little girl.
Martin: Oh, she's a real beaut! You oughta see her, Bonnie.
Roz: You can come with me if you want when I feed her.
Martin: No, you go ahead and get that ready, I'll show Bonnie, it's
right through there.
Frasier: Now, Dad, don't you get fresh with Niles's girl, there.
Martin: Oh, I won't if he won't.
He and Bonnie head to the bedroom.Joanna: Your father is really smitten with that baby, isn't he?
Roz: I think he's just got a weak spot for the Doyle women.
Joanna: Oh.
Frasier: Yes, well, he may appear to have a crusty exterior, but
deep down inside, Dad's just an old softy.
Martin and Bonnie's voices come from the baby monitorMartin: [v.o.] Well, there's the kid. Kind of a goony-looking
thing, isn't she?
Niles: Is that Dad?
Martin: Look, Bonnie, I gotta tell you somethin'. I didn't ask you
here for Niles, I asked you here for me.
Frasier: It's the baby monitor! We should just...
Joanna: [grabbing it away from Niles and Frasier] Shh. I want to
hear this.
Bonnie: But I thought you were with Joanna.
Martin: No, no. Frasier and Roz set us up last week. I told Frasier
I thought she was a big snooze. Especially compared to the
fun you and I have at the bar, but he stuck me with her again.
Frasier: You know, I bet they know it's on...
Roz: Yeah.
Frasier: And they're just having some fun with us...
Roz: Yeah.
Joanna: Frasier, just stay put.
Bonnie: Then Niles isn't my date? Oh, there's a relief. I mean,
no offense, Marty, but...
Martin: Hey, you don't have to tell me.
Niles: [grabbing his coat] OK. If anybody wants me, I'll be at
the movies. [He rushes out.]
Bonnie: So you really like me? You're not just pulling my leg?
Martin: You want proof?
Joanna: I think we can turn this off now.
Frasier: Joanna, I am so sorry. I know it sounded bad, but...
Joanna: No, no, not at all. I'm sure your father meant "big snooze"
in the most flattering sense. Roz, maybe we should leave.
Roz: What were you thinking?
Frasier: Oh, Roz, I certainly wasn't thinking that he had a date
planned.
Roz: I'm just going to get Alice. Mom, I'm so sorry.
Joanna: Believe me. Twenty years in politics, I've been called
worse things than boring.
Roz heads back, Joanna heads for the door.Joanna: Well, I hope you'll understand if I just slip out without
saying goodbye to Martin?
Frasier: Of course, Joanna. The last thing we need today is another
awkward situation.
Martin: [o.s.] Whoa-ho-ho, Roz! Knock, will ya?
FADE OUT.Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment.
Fade in. Frasier opens the door to Roz.Roz: I left my diaper bag.
Frasier: Right. Can you come in for a bit?
Roz: I really shouldn't.
Frasier: Roz, I'm so sorry.
Roz: It's all right. I mean, I'm not gonna say that my mother
wasn't hurt, but she did start to smile a little bit about
it on the way to the airport.
Frasier: You know, I've been sitting here, trying to figure out why
I was so eager to play matchmaker for Dad.
Roz: Oh, you're not alone. I mean, I was excited once I thought
it was going well.
Frasier: Well, I suspect I wasn't doing it so much for him as I was
doing it for me. I see him here all the time, all alone,
I wonder if maybe that's not gonna be me someday.
Roz: Oh, God. I think the same thing sometimes when I see these
older ladies in my building. They all want to babysit
Alice just for the company. I mean, she's a cute baby, but
she ain't no Dorthy Parker.
Frasier: Ah, well, we're both gonna be fine. I was just thinking,
though, if we wanna play it safe, we could make one of
those, uh, pacts.
Roz: You mean, like in forty years, if neither one of us finds
anyone...
Frasier: Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.
Roz: I was gonna say kill each other.
Frasier: Well, six of one...
They laugh as he closes the door. FADE OUT.Credits:
Niles is at Cafe Nervosa. The waiter brings his cappuccino. Angered
at the amount of coffee, he pulls out his notepad and jots a complaint.
He goes to put it in the suggestion box but as he gets there, Thad
comes out. Niles crumples the note and Thad holds up the trash can for
him. Niles ends up throwing the note past his head and runs out.