ACT ONE
Scene One – Café Nervosa
Niles comes into the Café just as Frasier is saying goodbye to
another man, who leaves.Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, was that the author Dr. Gordon Edelstein?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: I wasn't aware you knew him!
Frasier: Yes, well, we just met. You see, the station is hiring
another call-in psychiatrist for a one-week trial period,
and they've asked me to choose among the finalists.
Niles: Well, he'd be wonderful! I just finished his book on the
victims of obsessive-compulsive disorder. [wiping down his
chair] Poor, tic-ridden devils! [sits]
Frasier: Niles, before you take out your utensil chamois, I've got to
tell you I have another interview in just a few minutes, all
right? Though it's going to be tough to top Dr. Edelstein.
Niles: I must say, you're taking this rather well.
Frasier: What do you mean.
Niles: Many people in your position would feel threatened at the
thought of... well, another cat sharing the litter-box.
Frasier: Your flattering analogy aside, Niles, I take it as a tribute.
Obviously, the station is so pleased with my show that they're
looking for more of the same. They could hardly ask me to do
another three hours. Imagine how exhausting that would be.
Niles: And for you as well. Anyway, moving on to me, what's the
verdict?
Frasier: Verdict?
Niles: On my new look. I must say, you deserve some of the credit.
Frasier: Really?
Niles: Well, yes, you keep saying I should accept Daphne's
relationship with Donny and find a paramour of my own.
Well, the hunt is on! I thought to bolster my self-esteem
I would adopt this raffish new look!
Frasier: Well, it suits you. Dashing, and yet understated, and, uh...
oh, I give up, what are we talking about?
Niles: My mustache. [stretches his upper lip] I grant you, it's at
an early stage.
Frasier: What stage, Research & Development?
A blond woman in a smart suit comes into the café.Nora: Dr. Crane? Dr. Nora Fairchild.
Frasier: Oh yes, of course. Welcome.
Nora: I can't tell you what a privilege this is. I listened to
your show today, and I was amazed! I hope that doesn't
sound too fawning.
Frasier: Oh, fawning is just fine. Fawning is fun!
Nora: I hope I'm not interrupting another interview?
Frasier: No, no, this is my brother, Niles Crane. He was just about
to leave.
Nora: I should have known you two were brothers. The same superb
fashion sense, the same refined yet masculine good looks.
[to Niles] You must be so proud of your kid brother, the
radio star.
Niles: Well, yes. Congratulations on your new job, I hope you'll
be very happy at KACL.
Nora: Isn't that a bit premature?
Niles: Oh well, let's just say I know my little brother.
FADE TO:
Scene Two – KACL
Frasier and Kenny (the station manager) issue Dr. Nora in, followed
by her producer, George.Nora: I want to thank you both for making me and my producer feel
so welcome. Is everyone around here as friendly as you two?
Frasier: Well...
Roz, catching sight of George, comes out of her booth and cozies up.
Roz: Well, hello there!
Frasier: Some are even friendlier. This is my producer, Roz Doyle.
Nora: Dr. Nora, and this is my producer, George.
Roz: Nice to meet you.
George: Hello.
Roz: Follow me and I'll give you the lay of the land.
She leads George into her booth.Frasier: Let's just hope that's a figure of speech, not a sales pitch.
Well, Nora, please, please, do come in, make yourself at home.
[she sits in his chair] Here we are, get settled in. Here's
your headset, of course the phone lines, everything's pretty
self-explanatory, cough button, on-air button. Listen, I want
you to remember it's all right to be nervous. Even my first
show was a tad bumpy.
Kenny: "Bumpy?" [laughs] It was a train wreck! "Medic, we got
incoming!"
Frasier: Yes, thank you, Kenny. As I recall, you weren't even here
then.
Kenny: Oh, I got a tape of it from my Secret Santa. Break a leg,
Dr. Nora.
Nora: Thank you.
Frasier: I'll get out of your hair. Godspeed, Dr. Nora.
She smiles at him. He leaves the booth and closes the door. Out in
the hall, he claps with anticipation. Roz sees him.Roz: What are you smirking about?
Frasier: Oh, gosh, it's just so much fun to have a protégé. You see
the way she behaves towards me? It's like a shy Japanese
novice bowing before her Frasier sensei!
Roz: I feel a bow coming on myself. Could you pass me that
wastebasket?
Frasier: Stop it! Shh, she's about to start. I just want to catch
the beginning, make sure she's got those first-show jitters
under control.
In the booth, Nora finished introducing herself.Nora: All right, let's get right to our first caller. Whom do we
have?
George: We have Jenny from Tacoma on line one.
Nora: Hello, Jenny, I'm Dr. Nora and I'm here to help.
Jenny: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Nora. My boyfriend and I have been living
together for about two years—
Nora: Are you having sex?
Jenny: Our sex life's not the problem, it's great. But whenever
I mention marriage he changes the subject. Do you think
that he's afraid of commitment?
Nora: No, that's it. Let me help you see this from a different
perspective.
In the hall, Frasier and Roz have seen enough, and walk down the hall.
Nora: You're a whore, Jenny.
Frasier and Roz rush back and stare through the glass.Jenny: Huh? A-a whore?!
Nora: You're sleeping with a man you're not married to. In my book,
that's a whore.
Jenny: I-I'm not a whore! I'm a flight attendant!
Nora: Oh, you think there's no overlap?
She laughs at her joke. George grins.Roz: Well, she's got her jitters under control!
In the booth:Nora: Wake up, Jenny, you've blown it! Dump this creep! Find a
new guy, and until you're Mrs. New Guy you keep those knees
together, OK? Staple them! I don't care if you have to hop
to the altar! [laughs] God bless, honey. Who's next?
In the hall, Frasier is reeling at what he's unleashed.
FADE TO:
Scene Three – Apartment
Daphne is drying dishes in the kitchen. Niles walks in.Niles: Hello, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello.
Niles: Notice anything?
Daphne: [pause, then] Oh yes, don't you look dashing! Blue really is
your color. Hold still, though, there's something on your
lip. [holds his chin and wipes his lip with the dishrag] Oh,
wait, it's some sort of hair.
Niles: Actually, it's a mustache.
Daphne: Oh yes, so it is. Still a bit on the wispy side. Yeah, puts
me in mind of my Grammy Moon. Or rather it will, once it's
grown in a bit.
They go out into the living room, Martin is reading the paper.
Frasier comes in.Frasier: Turn on the radio.
Martin: Something the matter?
Frasier: Just turn the radio on to KACL, please.
Daphne does.Nora: [v.o.] Listen to me, you have a child! You think you have the
right to get divorced just because you're tired of your
husband?
Jill: [v.o.] But he's gay!
Nora: You picked him. You made a baby with him. Maybe you got him
drunk, maybe you dressed up as Antonio Banderas, I don't care!
Just make it work!
Daphne turns off the radio.Niles: Well, that's a bit harsh!
Frasier: Oh, please. This is a woman who believes the Spanish
Inquisition was just tough love for heretics!
Martin: You know, we were listening to her while I was doing my
exercises, and I don't think she's so bad.
Frasier: Excuse me?!
Martin: Well, it's nice to have someone stand up for old-fashioned
values. Like sex. I mean, I'm no prude, but in my day sex
was still something sacred, and mysterious. Nowadays, you
can't even turn on the television without seeing all this
"Ooh-ooh, Ah-ah" stuff!
Frasier: Well, I think that explains our ninety dollar cable bill
this month!
Martin covers his face with the paper.Daphne: I liked her too. She reminds me of my old mum. She'll point
out every little flaw you've got, remind you of every mistake
you ever made, tell you you're lazy, you'll never amount to
anything, and no good man will ever have you. But, it's just
because she loves you! In fact, I think I'll give old Mum a
call!
Daphne goes to her room.Martin: You know, if you hate her so much, why did you hire her?
Frasier: Well, I didn't know she was going to behave this way! She
said all the right things at the interview.
Niles: Ho-ho, she certainly did! She complimented his clothes, his
looks, she even pretended to believe I was the older brother.
Of course, the mustache may have clouded her judgment on that.
Martin: She has a mustache?
Frasier: Well, like it or not, I am responsible for her being here.
I'll just have to have a talk with her. Tell her to soften
her approach a bit before she alienates her entire audience.
I mean, really, people can tell the difference between
constructive criticism and outright abuse!
Daphne crosses the room with the cordless phone.Daphne: No, Mum, my boyfriend hasn't dumped me for someone prettier
and smarter yet! [laughs; to the gang] She's such an old
tease.
FADE TO:
DR. RUTHLESS
Scene Four – KACL
Frasier is finishing his show.Frasier: Until tomorrow, then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.
He goes off the air. Dr. Nora comes in.Frasier: Ah, Dr. Nora.
Nora: Such a frosty tone. Is something the matter?
Frasier: I have just one question—
Roz storms in from her booth.Roz: What kind of vicious, judgmental, name-calling, machete-
mouthed bitch are you?
Frasier: I was going for the less feisty version.
Roz: I heard what you said to that single mother yesterday.
For your information, I happen to be a single mom too.
Nora: That doesn't surprise me after watching you pounce on poor
George like a Kodiak bear on a salmon.
Roz: That does it...!
Frasier: Roz, Roz, stop it! I have to talk to Dr. Nora before her
show. Now, just pencil the hair-pulling for later, all right?
Roz: All right. [to Nora] But this isn't over between us. If you
want, I'll take this out on the street.
Nora: That would hardly be fair. You'd have the home field
advantage. [laughs]
Roz lunges, but Frasier holds her back and shoos her out of the booth.
Frasier: Well, I don't even know where to begin.
Nora: Save it. Whatever it is, I've already heard it. "Dr. Nora
is mean, Dr. Nora hurts people's feelings." Well, too bad.
I'm not here to coddle people, I'm here to help them.
Frasier: Oh, really? And just how were you helping that poor, confused
bisexual woman by calling her an "equal-opportunity slut?"
You know, the worst thing about this is how you misrepresented
yourself to get this job.
Nora: You're hardly one to question my ethics. We both know you
hired me because you hoped I might sleep with you.
Frasier: That thought never occurred to me!
Nora: Now who's lying? You won't admit that, like most men, you
leave all major decisions to your penis. Fortunately for
Seattle, your penis chose right. It just didn't know why.
Frasier: Yes, well, you're just forgetting one thing, Dr. Nora. You
are here on my recommendation, you may consider it withdrawn.
Kenny comes in.Kenny: Hey, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Ah, Kenny, just the man I wanted to see.
Kenny: Dr. Nora — don't hit me! [laughs]
Frasier: I want to talk to you about Dr. Nora's show.
Kenny: Yeah, well, get in line. The switchboards were going nuts.
Frasier: I don't doubt it.
Kenny: They love you!
Frasier: Excuse me?!
Kenny: Well, except for the ones that hate you. But either way,
they're listening. So you consider that option picked up.
George: Ten seconds.
Nora: Thank you, Kenny. Now get out of my booth.
Kenny: [acting scared] Ooh! [then, obedient] Yes, ma'am.
Kenny and Frasier leave the booth.Frasier: Kenny, you can't be serious about hiring that woman full-time!
Putting that woman behind a microphone is like putting Typhoid
Mary in a kissing booth!
Kenny: I'm sorry, Doc. Ratings are ratings.
In the booth:
Tom: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Nora, my name is Tom, and I have this co-worker
who's really driving me up the wall. What can I do about it?
Nora: Not a thing, Tom. Not one damn thing.
She smirks over her shoulder at Frasier. Furious, he leaves.END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Five - KACL.
Frasier is on the air with a woman, Denise. Dr. Nora watches from
the hallway.Denise: [v.o.] Nothing I ever do is good enough for her. I baked a
cake for her birthday, and she said it tasted like sawdust.
I know she's my mother, but sometimes I just want to shut
her out of my life.
Frasier: Oh, Denise, burning bridges solves nothing. I'd like to
suggest that you seek family counseling to help you and your
mother get to the root of some of these issues, provided your
mother's willing to cooperate. If not, perhaps individual
counseling would help. Will you stay on the line so Roz can
give you some numbers?
Denise: O.K. Thank you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: It's my pleasure. [looks over his shoulder and sees Nora's
sour look] Well, I see through the glass that Dr. Nora either
disagrees with me or has just eaten a bad clam. I'm sure
she'll tell us which when the Dr. Nora show begins right after
this traffic report from Chopper Dave.
He goes off the air, picks up his briefcase and goes into Roz's
booth. George also comes in and selects some carts. Nora comes into
Frasier's booth and sits down.Roz: O.K., Denise, I've got some numbers for you. Do you have a
pen?
Frasier: Come on, Roz, hurry up. I'd like to get out of here before
her trainer shows up with a bucket of live mice for her pre-
show feeding.
In the other booth, Nora immediately hits "On-Air."Nora: I'm sorry to cut you off, Chopper Dave, but we have a therapy
emergency. Denise, are you still on?
Denise: Yes.
Frasier: That's my caller!
Nora: Denise, I want you to ignore everything Dr. Crane just told
you. I know a lot more about mothers that he does, and here
is Fact #1: they don't change. Cut this woman out of your
life.
Frasier: I don't believe this!
Denise: You don't think that with counseling—
Nora: Denise, when you have a tumor, what do you do? Do you sit it
down and say, "Hey, tumor, let's get along, O.K.?" No, you
take a knife and cut it out! Well, Denise, your mother is a
tumor. My heart bleeds for you, because I have been there,
and I know how hard it is to look at your own mother's face
and say, "Bye-bye, you toxic harpy! You are not hurting me
again!" But that is what you have to do.
Frasier angrily picks up the phone in the producer's booth and
dials.Denise: I think maybe you're right.
Nora: I'm always right. And you know what else? I bet your cake
was yummy. God bless, honey. Who's next?
George: We have Frasier, from here.
Frasier: [over booth phone] How dare you ambush Denise that way?
Nora: Oh well, what a surprise. I dare to give one of Frasier's
callers a second opinion, and what does Frasier say?
She plays a SFX cart of a baby crying.Frasier: Ah, yes, sound effects! The therapist's best friend! You
realize what you're doing is completely unprofessional?
Denise called my show, she didn't ask for your opinion!
Nora: And I didn't ask for yours. [disconnects] Back to you,
Chopper Dave.
Frasier: She cut me off! [storms into the booth] All right, let's just
settle this. We don't like each other. But we're going to
have to coexist here. So why don't we agree that I won't
criticize you, and you won't criticize me. Do we have a deal?
Nora: No.
Frasier: No?!
Nora: No, I will undermine you every chance I get, because you,
Dr. Crane, are a dangerous man!
Frasier: I'm dangerous?!
Nora: Yes. Seattle's Great Enabler. You tell tramps and fornicators
that their problem is low self-esteem. They should have low
self-esteem, they're going to hell!
Frasier: I take it back! You're not unprofessional — you're a freaking
loon!
George: Five seconds.
Frasier goes back into George's booth and grabs his briefcase.Frasier: All right, if it's war you two want, it's war you'll get!
Right, Roz?!
Frasier storms out of the booth.Roz: You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?
George: Yeah.
Roz: Well, it's WAR!
Roz storms out of the booth.
FADE TO:
"M" IS FOR THE MANY WAYS
I'D MAIM HER
Scene Six – Apartment
The doorbell rings. Martin opens the door to Niles.Martin: Oh hi, Niles.
Niles: Hey, Dad. You probably noticed I shaved my mustache.
As Niles comes in, Martin stands puzzled for a moment.Niles: I decided a better way to change my look was to pump some iron.
Martin: Ah. So what, you joined a gym?
Niles: I certainly did. I start the minute my weight belt gets back
from the monogrammer's.
Frasier comes out of the hall.Niles: Oh, Frasier, you free for dinner?
Frasier: Well, I suppose so, yes.
Daphne comes in the door with a basket of laundry, followed by Roz
with some files.Daphne: Hey, look who I bumped into in the elevator.
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: I've been on the phone all day, digging up dirt on Dr. Nora,
and you will not believe what I found!
Frasier: Really?
Roz: I called the station where she used to work, and they couldn't
wait to dish her! [opens the file] For starters, she has no
medical degree.
Frasier: What?
Roz: Her doctorate is in Physical Education!
Frasier: [ecstatic] She's a GYM TEACHER!
Niles: Wouldn't want to be the chubby kid in that gym class.
Martin: Or the boy in the monogrammed weight belt.
Frasier: Well, this is just dynamite, Roz!
Roz: Oh, that's not even half of it. Her name isn't Fairchild,
she was born Mulhern, and Little Miss Family Values has two
divorces behind her, and an affair with a married man!
Frasier: Tomorrow, I am going to drop this little bombshell to start
my show, and end hers!
Martin: You know, Fras, when I was on the force, I went through a feud
like this with Charlie Drucker, and believe me it's not worth
it. I started out by making a joke about his chest.
Daphne: His chest?
Martin: Yeah, he was like a heavyset guy, and he had those, you know,
"man-bosoms." So, he heard about it, and he got mad at me,
and he wrote something about me on the men's room wall, and
I should have just called it quits right there and then. But
his name being "Drucker" brought out the poet in me. Then it
just got worse and worse, and we both ended up looking like
idiots.
Frasier: Well, Dad, I don't intend to get into a feud with her. I just
want to get her off the air.
Niles: Yeah, but if you attack her like that, aren't you just
descending to her level?
Frasier: You know, Roz, maybe they're right. I mean, look at what
this woman has reduced me to already. Trading barbs,
yelling over the air. Now I'm spreading rumors about her?
Is that anyway for a psychiatrist to deal with conflict?
Roz: Don't you wimp out on me!
Frasier: Now, Roz, just think about it. There may be a better way.
You know, Dr. Nora is clearly a damaged and angry woman.
Maybe I could find out what's at the root of that anger, and
help her, also proving that my method of therapy is the more
valid one.
Roz: Why are you doing this to me?! Look, if you have a tumor—
Frasier: Roz, stop it!
Niles: You know, if you want to analyze her, you might start with
that whole mother thing. I caught her show yesterday, and
that certainly seemed to be a hot-button issue.
Frasier: Yes, it did, didn't it? They've been estranged for years.
You know, perhaps we could find the woman and discover what
caused this rift between them.
Niles: Maybe even effect a reconciliation.
Frasier: Of course, it won't be easy. We don't even know if the
woman's still alive.
Daphne is folding the laundry.Daphne: Yes, all sorts of things could happen to a woman her age.
Her mother could have had a heart attack, or a stroke.
Frasier: Exactly.
Daphne: [continuing merrily] She could be hit by a bus as she's coming
out of the pub. Or fall asleep smoking a cigarette and be
burned to a crisp right there in her smelly bed! Or she could
fall off a ferry and be pulled down under the water, the roar
of the waves drowning out her cries for help, until no one
could hear that shrill voice of hers, not ever again!
[finishes folding the laundry] Well, I'm all done with my
darks.
She leaves the room, oblivious to the others' stares.
FADE TO:
Scene Seven - KACL
Nora is roasting her latest caller.Nora: Listen to me! You should be shunning this woman, not rewarding
her with gifts! [disconnects] A baby shower for an unwed
mother? Now I've heard it all. Who's next?
In the hall, Roz is watching. Frasier comes up.Frasier: Roz, did her mother get here all right?
Roz: Yes, but I'm begging you! We could drive a stake through that
thing's heart right now!
Frasier pushes her down the hallway.Frasier: Roz, Roz, please trust me, my way is better. Get in here.
They come into a waiting room, where an elderly woman is seated.
[N.B. Piper Laurie played a guest caller in [1.13],
“Guess Who’s Coming to Breakfast.”]
Frasier: Ah, Mrs. Mulhern. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, it's such a pleasure
to meet you.
Mulhern: Oh, Dr. Crane, I can't thank you enough for finding me and
bringing me here.
Frasier: Well, I was so moved by your story. It's a joy to do this
for you.
Mulhern: For twenty years I wondered where my little girl was, and
if I'd ever see her again.
Roz: What did you two fight about to begin with?
Mulhern: Oh, I blame myself. I thought the man she wanted to marry
wasn't good enough for her, so she eloped. And I've been
so afraid the emphysema would finish me before I could ask
her forgiveness and tell her I love her.
Frasier: [nearly in tears] Well, tell her you shall. Roz?
Frasier goes into the producer's booth and picks up the phone:Nora: Forget couples' therapy, Allison. He is a loser! If you
don't drop him right now, you deserve every bit of misery
you get! God bless, honey. Who's next?
George: We have Frasier Crane on line one.
Nora: Frasier, you want to yell at me for that last call?
Frasier: No, although I do believe that a gifted therapist can help
two people put aside their anger and heal the differences
between them.
Nora: Blah, blah, blah.
Frasier: I have someone here with me today, someone you haven't seen
for quite a while. There's something she'd like to tell you,
something she's wanted to tell you for a very, very long time.
Roz shows Mrs. Mulhern in. Frasier lowers the receiver so Nora
doesn't hear him say:Frasier: Mrs. Mulhern?
Mrs. Mulhern goes into the radio booth and stands behind Nora.Mulhern: You little whore!
Four sets of jaws drop — Frasier's, Roz's, George's, and Nora's.Nora: MOTHER!
Mulhern: So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought
you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough
cash for a bottle of Mateus! You'll pay for that, missy!
Roz: [jumping for joy] I was wrong, Frasier! Your way IS better!
Frasier tries to enter the booth.Frasier: Mrs. Mulhern—
Mulhern: [shoves him out and locks the door] Keep out of this!
Nora: M-Mother, please! I am doing my show!
Mulhern: Yes, you're Little Miss Perfect now, aren't you? Telling
everybody else how wicked they are! They should hear about
your past!
Frasier tries to enter through the other door.Frasier: Mrs. Mulhern, please!
She shoves him out and locks the other door.Mulhern: The shame you brought on me, you ungrateful tramp!
Nora: [crying] Mother, please, I'm a good girl now.
Mulhern: How you were paid — paid! — to leave town, by that nice boy's
family.
Frasier: For God's sake, Nora, go to commercial!
Nora: There, Seattle, now you know what I mean when I say there
are some people you just don't need in your life! [goes to
commercial] Help me out, George!
She throws off her headphones and rushes into the producer's booth.Mulhern: What are they paying you here? I want my cut!
George closes the door and fights to hold it shut.Nora: I knew that you hated me, but I just can't believe you
could be so cruel!
Frasier: I was trying to help! She seemed delightful on the phone!
Mulhern: [knocking on the glass] I want fifty dollars right now!
Nora: HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO MOVE BEFORE I'M FINALLY FREE
OF HER?!
She runs out into the hallway. Mrs. Mulhern goes out the other door
to head her off.Frasier: [yelling after her] Nora, I'm sorry!
Mulhern: [yelling after her] You owe me, missy! I gave you life!
Nora screams like a madwoman. George runs out after them.Roz: Frasier, we've got dead air!
Frasier goes into the radio booth. Roz shuts the doors and grabs
some carts.Frasier: [hits "On Air"] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm sure
Dr. Nora's listeners join me in hoping she and her mother
can resolve these differences very soon. They're off to a
bit of a bumpy start—
Nora screams again as the chase takes them by the booth.Frasier: But... at least the lines of communication are open!
Another scream comes, louder and clearly audible over the air.
Frasier can only gape at Roz.Credits:
Daphne is tenderizing a steak with a mallet and talking on the phone
with her mother. She tries to protest, but can't get a word in
edgewise, so she just listens, nodding.
As soon as she hangs up, she goes radge on the steak, pounding the
stuffing out of it.
Guest Appearances
Special Guest Stars
CHRISTINE BARANSKI as Dr. Nora
PIPER LAURIE as Mrs. Mulhern
Guest Starring
TOM McGOWAN as Kenny
DOUGLAS OWEN McDONALD as George
Guest Callers
GILLIAN ANDERSON as Jenny
YO-YO MA as Tom
BONNIE RAITT as Denise
PIA ZADORA as Jill
Synopsis {kathy churay}
ACT ONE
Scene One - Cafe Nervosa
Frasier is seated at a table and a man is just leaving as Niles comes
over to Frasier's table with his coffee. Niles is amazed to notice
that the man is Dr. Gordon Edelstein, whom Niles admires for his
authorship of a book about obsessive-compulsive disorders. Frasier
tells Niles that he is interviewing therapists for an available radio
slot at KACL -- the station is hiring another call-in psychiatrist
for a one-week trial period, and Frasier has been asked to choose
among the finalists. Niles sits down, but Frasier warns him he has
another interviewee coming in a few minutes. Niles marvels at
Frasier's positive attitude about something that could be perceived
as a threat to his position, but Frasier is flattered that the
station wants even more of what he has to offer.
Niles asks Frasier for his opinion on his "raffish new look." He
says he is taking Frasier's advice to accept Daphne's relationship
with Donny and find himself a girlfriend, so he has taken the first
step. Frasier pretends at first but finally admits he can't identify
what's different about Niles, till Niles informs him that he is
growing a (quite invisible) mustache.
Dr. Nora Fairchild comes into the cafe and introduces herself to
Frasier, bowling him over with compliment after compliment. He
introduces her to Niles, whom she says must be very proud of his "kid
brother," the radio star. Niles, ever sure of Frasier's vanity,
congratulates Dr. Nora on her new job at KACL as he takes his leave.
Scene Two - The Radio Studio
Dr. Nora reports for her first day at KACL, escorted by Kenny the
station manager and her good-looking producer, George. Frasier gives
her a warm welcome and Roz is quite taken with George. She pulls him
by the hand into her control booth, offering to "give him the lay of
the land." Frasier wishes Nora luck and exits to the hall, where he
meets Roz. They watch Dr. Nora setting up for her show and Frasier
is rhapsodizing about how thrilling it is to have a protege. Roz is
predictably nauseated by Frasier's ego.
Dr. Nora is polished and professional as she listens to her first
caller, Jenny, who is having trouble with her live-in boyfriend.
Frasier and Roz drift off down the hall as Frasier realizes Nora has
the situation well in hand. They come running back, however, as Nora
neatly summarizes Jenny's trouble: Jenny is a whore because she has
sex with her boyfriend without being married. Frasier and Roz watch
and listen in astonishment from outside the booth as Nora advises
Jenny to staple her knees together until she and her boyfriend are
married. An amazed crowd of station workers begins to gather outside
the booth as Roz dryly notes to Frasier that Dr. Nora seems to have
gotten over her nervousness quite nicely.
Scene Three - Frasier's Kitchen
Daphne is drying dishes as Niles tries to get her to notice his
mustache. Daphne thinks he's fishing for compliments about his suit,
then tries to wipe away what she thinks is food on his upper lip. He
informs her it's a mustache, and she says it reminds her of her
Grammy Moon -- or will, once it's grown in.
Frasier arrives home and demands that Daphne turn on KACL i
immediately. She does, and Dr. Nora is abusing a woman who wants a
divorce from her husband because he's gay. Frasier turns the radio
off in disgust. Niles remarks on Nora's harshness, but Martin feels
her old-fashioned view of morality is refreshing. Daphne and Martin
had been listening to Dr. Nora while doing his exercises. Daphne
agrees with Martin -- Nora reminds Daphne of her mother, and Daphne
goes off to call Mum.
Frasier is still complaining about Dr. Nora. He plans to have a word
with her at the station the next day -- tell her to soften her
approach before she alienates her audience. After all, he says,
people know the difference between constructive criticism and
outright abuse. And Daphne comes walking through with the portable
phone on her way to the kitchen, laughing gaily at her mother, who
wants to know whether Daphne's boyfriend hasn't found someone
prettier and smarter yet.
ACT TWO
Scene One - The Radio Studio
Frasier is wrapping up his show as Dr. Nora arrives. He greets her
frostily and is about to deliver some diplomatic criticism when Roz
weighs in with the blunt, name-calling approach, defending the honor
of a single mother who called the day before only to be abused by Dr.
Nora. Dr. Nora retorts that she would expect Roz to defend the
woman, the way Roz pounced on Nora's producer the day before.
Frasier has to physically restrain Roz, who wants to fight Nora and
offers to "take it out on the street." When Nora tells Roz the
street is Roz's home territory, it's all Frasier can do to keep Roz
from killing her. He pushes Roz out of the booth and turns on Nora.
He begins taking Nora to task for her unhelpful, moralistic
criticisms of her callers, but Nora will have none of it. She defies
Frasier to admit that he hired her because he hoped to sleep with
her. He hotly denies it and tells her that she is at KACL on his
recommendation, which he is now withdrawing. Just then Kenny enters
with the news that Dr. Nora's show is a hit. Some people love her
and some her, but everyone seems to be listening. Frasier follows
Kenny out to the hall to plead his case, but as Kenny says, "Ratings
are ratings." Meanwhile Nora's caller Tom is asking what he can do
about a co-worker who's driving him crazy. Smirking at Frasier
through the glass, Nora replies, "Not one damn thing."
Scene Two - The Radio Studio - The Next Day
Frasier and Roz listen sympathetically his caller Denise recounts her
troubles with her verbally abusive mother, as Dr. Nora watches
through the window. Frasier advises Denise to seek counseling,
telling her to stay on the line so that Roz can give her the numbers
of some therapists. Frasier ends the show and goes in to talk with
Roz as Dr. Nora sits down at her console. Abruptly, Nora gets Denise
back on the line [and on the air], telling her to ignore everything
Frasier has told her. Nora tells Denise wrenchingly that in her
personal experience the only thing to do with an abusive mother is to
cut her out of your life like a tumor. And she disconnects Denise.
George connects Nora's next caller -- who is Frasier, calling from
the control booth. He takes her to task on the air for her
unprofessional behavior, but Nora disconnects him and goes back to
Chopper Dave for the traffic report. Frasier hangs up and storms
into the booth to have it out with Nora. He tells her tersely that
they must agree not to criticize one another on the air, but Nora
won't agree. She won't "enable" callers who are behaving immorally
because they don't need better self-esteem. Their problem is that
they are going to Hell for their behavior! Frasier storms out,
vowing to make war on Dr. Nora. Roz hangs back trying to sweet-talk
George, but when he tells her he believes in Dr. Nora's no-sex
stance, Roz agrees -- it's war!
Scene Three - Frasier's Living Room
Niles arrives, declaring to Martin that he has shaved his mustache
and has decided to change his look by pumping iron. Martin is
approving, if puzzled by the reported disappearance of a mustache
he'd never noticed in the first place. Daphne comes in from the
laundry room followed by Roz, whom she's met in the hall. Roz can't
wait to tell Frasier about the dirt she dug up on Dr. Nora from her
former colleagues at another station. Apparently Dr. Nora's degree
is in physical education, not psychology, and she's had two divorces
and an affair with a married man. Frasier is elated.
Martin tells a story about a feud he had with another officer on the
force, and cautions him against ending up looking like an idiot.
Frasier realizes he is right and as a psychiatrist he should have a
better method of resolving conflict. Roz is infuriated at Frasier
for wimping out on her, but Niles encourages Frasier to begin by
analyzing Dr. Nora's obviously troubled relationship with her
estranged mother. They speculate on whether Nora's mother is still
alive, prompting Daphne to begin fantasizing happily and at length
about the many awful ways a woman of that age could have died.
Frasier and Niles are fascinated at what's she's revealing about
herself as Daphne finishes folding the laundry and goes merrily off
to her room.
Scene Four - The Radio Station - The Next Day
Dr. Nora is at it again, marveling to her audience about the
unsuitably of giving a baby shower for an unwed mother. Meanwhile,
Roz is frothing at the mouth in the hallway as Frasier arrives,
asking whether Nora's mother is has made it to the studio. They go
out to the lobby to greet Nora's mother, Mrs. Mulherne [Piper
Laurie], who tells them that the reason she and Nora were estranged
was her disapproval of the man Nora wanted to marry. Frasier is
touched and vows she will have the chance to tell Nora how much she
loves her.
Frasier returns to the control room and dials Dr. Nora again, forcing
George to put him on the air. Nora asks cynically whether Frasier
wants to yell at her, but Frasier tells her that there is someone
who's wanted to say something to Nora for a very long time. Mrs.
Mulherne enters the studio and delivers her message to Nora -- "You
little whore!" And she's off on a diatribe about Nora's cheapness in
refusing to give her enough cash for even a cheap bottle of wine.
Frasier is aghast as Mrs. Mulherne locks everyone else out of the
studio and Roz is overcome with joy as Dr. Nora is reduced to tears
by her mother's abuse and demands for money from Nora. Nora escapes
to the control booth and locks her mother into the studio. She turns
on Frasier and tells him she can't believe his cruelty. Frasier is
guilt-stricken -- "She seemed delightful on the phone!" Nora flees
screaming into the hallway, pursued by a ranting Mrs. Mulherne, as
Frasier frantically takes over the mike for the remainder of Nora's
show.
Credits:
In Frasier's kitchen Daphne is on the phone with her mother while
pounding a steak with a mallet to tenderize it. She gets more and
more impatient with her mother, and after hanging up, attacks the
steak violently with the mallet.