Act 1
Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Martin is watching television, Daphne is sitting at the
dining table. The doorbell rings and Frasier comes in from the
bedrooms.Frasier: Oh, Dad, you're going to have to clear out. Daphne and I
are meeting with my lawyer.
Martin turns off the TV.Martin: I don't know why you have to go with that high-priced lady
instead of the guy I recommended.
Frasier: Please. Donny is suing me for emotional distress. Your guy
wanted me to limp into court wearing a neck brace and claiming
not to speak English.
Martin: Hey, you don't keep an office in the mall for twelve years
without knowin' a few tricks.
Frasier opens the door to reveal Niles.Frasier: Oh, hi, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, I'm sorry I'm late. Is Abby here yet?
Frasier: No, she's on her way.
Niles takes off his coat and hangs it up.Niles: These lawsuits have me so rattled. You know me, Frasier,
normally I'm unflappable.
Frasier: Niles, if you flapped any more, we'd have to lower you to
half mast on Veteran's Day.
Niles gives him a dark look.Niles: Sherry, anyone?
Frasier: Yes.
Daphne: Yes, please. I know how Niles feels. I'm a nervous wreck
about that deposition tomorrow. First time I'm seeing Donny
since our wedding day, and he's going to be grilling me under
oath.
Frasier: Oh, don't worry. Once Abby preps you, you'll have nothing
to worry about.
Martin: I don't understand you guys. Instead of you each hiring
expensive lawyers, why don't you just settle?
Frasier: Because we didn't do anything wrong, Dad! Daphne merely
changed her mind about getting married and although Donny is
entitled to his pain, he is not entitled to sue everyone
under the sun.
Martin: [rising] You guys are nuts. Donny's a pit bull. Why don't
you come up with some cash, put it on a stick and shove it
into his cage?
Frasier: Oh, yes, thank you, Dad.
Martin: And don't even try to get the stick back. Just run.
He walks off to his bedroom.Frasier: You know, Dad's fear notwithstanding, I have every confidence
in Abby and her litigious prowess.
Daphne: Yes, we've all seen you admiring her prowess.
The doorbell rings.Frasier: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Frasier answers the door. It is Abby.Frasier: Oh, hi Abby. Come on in. You know Niles and Daphne, of course.
Abby: Oh, yes, hello, Daphne, Niles.
Frasier: Here, let me take your coat.
Abby: Thank you.
Frasier: Oh, my. That suit is very becoming on you. Is it new?
Abby: Yes it is. And thank you for noticing, Frasier.
Frasier: No, thank you for being so, ah... noticeable.
Niles: [aside to Daphne] Do I sound like that?
Daphne: Yeah, but it's cute when you do it.
Frasier: Please, make yourself comfortable. Well, we're anxious to
hear your, your battle plan. We realize it's going to be
tough, but we're ready for a fight.
Abby: Donny's dropped the lawsuits.
Frasier: What?
Daphne: When did this happen?
Abby: He just called me on my cell phone now. I took the liberty
of calling your lawyer, Daphne, to let him know the good news,
too.
Daphne: Thank you.
Niles: So, what happens now?
Abby: Nothing. You've won. Congratulations.
Niles: I can't believe it.
Daphne: Did Donny say why he's dropping the case?
Abby: No, he did not. But we can call and ask him if you'd like.
The others all quickly say "No," "Not necessary," etc.Frasier: You know, I think I know why he dropped the case: because
I have the finest lawyer in all of Seattle.
Niles: Hear, hear.
Frasier: [rising] Thank you for a job well done.
He holds out his arms. Abby gets up and hugs him.Abby: Oh, my pleasure. Congratulations.
He walks around as Daphne gets up and hugs Abby.Daphne: Thank you, Abby.
Abby: Congratulations. You're welcome, Daphne.
Niles then gives her a hug.Niles: Congratulations.
Abby: Thank you, Niles.
Niles: Thanks.
Abby: Absolutely.
Frasier has followed them around and is standing in front of her once
more.Abby: Oh, you again!
They laugh and hug again.Abby: Well, I must say, I was actually looking forward to getting
a shot at Donny in court, but for your sake, I'm glad things
ended this way.
Frasier: Yes, well, you know, there's no reason this has to be goodbye.
I think a celebratory dinner is in order.
Abby: Well, great. Give me a call and we'll see when all of us can
get together.
Frasier: Yes, yes, all of us. Yes, well, you know, our schedules are
really rather complicated. We're rarely available together.
Niles: I'm open.
Daphne: Any time's good for me.
Frasier: Well, then, dinner it is.
Abby: Great. I hate to rush, but I've got a mountain of paperwork.
Frasier: Well, then, let me walk you to the elevator.
She grabs her purse as Frasier gets her coat.Abby: All right. That's very sweet, Frasier. Thank you for
escorting me.
Frasier: Oh, thank you, for being so... escortable.
Daphne: Bye, Abby.
Abby: Goodbye.
Niles: Congratulations again.
Frasier and Abby go out the front.
Resett to - the hall. Frasier helps Abby on with her coat.Frasier: Abby, I just wanted to say how pleasurable it's been getting
to know you.
The elevator opens and Abby gets in and pushes a button.Abby: The pleasure's been all mine.
Frasier: Oh, you know, I'd hate to see my relationship with you end,
uh, right now. I just...
The doors start to close.Abby: Frasier, if you're going to ask me out, you better hurry.
Frasier: Will you go out with me?
Abby: Yes!
The doors close on her word. Frasier grins happily and turns back to
his door. FADE OUT.
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Martin is reading, Frasier opens the door to Roz.Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz.
Roz: Hey, guys!
Martin: Hey, Roz.
Frasier: Come on in, I'll get you situated.
Roz: Thanks for letting me tape your CDs.
Martin: Since when do you two have the same taste in music?
Roz: Actually, it's for Alice. I read an article that said
listening to classical music makes toddlers smarter.
Something about making their brain bigger, or wider...
I don't know.
Frasier: I believe the word you're looking for is "smartified."
Roz: Oh, yeah? Well guess which word I'm looking for now.
Frasier: Very funny. Actually, I have the perfect piece to start
Alice off with: it's Beethoven's Sonata in C-Sharp Minor.
I've laid out a selection of CDs that I think will be
appropriate. I'm sorry, I don't have time to put together
a comprehensive program for you. But actually, Dad and I
have our celebratory dinner tonight with Abby. You know,
Dad, actually, you should get ready to go.
Martin: I thought I was ready.
Frasier: Think tie!
Martin pulls a clip-on out of his jacket pocket.Martin: I'm way ahead of ya.
Roz: Hey, you've been spending a lot of time "celebrating" with
this lawyer.
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes. Well, actually, we've been out a couple of
times. I'm really rather taken with her. She has a very
playful side. She took me miniature golfing last night.
Martin: Oh sure. When she takes you it's playful, when I take you
it ends up as a story in the high school literary magazine.
The doorbell rings. Frasier goes to answer it.Frasier: Dad, please, "Through the Clown's Mouth Darkly" took second
in the all-city fiction contest that year.
He opens the door. It is Niles holding a flower box.Niles: Hello.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles hands him some envelopes as Daphne comes in.Niles: Frasier, these are for you. Your doorman gave them to me.
Apparently some of your mail went to the wrong box. And
these are for you, my love.
He hands the flower box to Daphne.Daphne: Oh, Niles, you spoil me.
Niles: I picked them myself.
She opens the box and pulls out large cookies on flower stems.Daphne: Ooh, Niles, cookies.
Niles: Sweets for my sweet.
Daphne: Let's go put these in some milk.
They head for the kitchen.Niles: Hey, I was just going to say that!
Daphne: No you weren't.
Niles: I was, I swear.
Daphne: OK, this is gettin' spooky.
The go to the kitchen. Frasier is reading the mail.Frasier: Well.
Martin: What is it?
Frasier: I just opened Abby's bill. It seems... awfully high. I guess
this must be the going rate.
He hands it to Martin.Martin: Whoa!
Frasier: I think Abby is worth every penny.
Martin: Well, she better be, because Daphne's lawyer only charged
half this much.
Frasier: Well, that doesn't seem right, does it? I mean, they did the
same amount of work...
Martin: Come on, Fras, Abby isn't the first lawyer to pad a bill.
Frasier: Well maybe not, but you know, Abby is not that kind of lawyer.
Martin: Oh, what world are you livin' in? They're all "that kind of
lawyer."
Frasier: I admit four thousand dollars does seem rather high for phone
consultations. Who the hell's she talking to?
Martin: All her friends, braggin' about the new sucker she's got on
the line.
Roz bursts out laughing. FADE OUT.
Scene 3 - The Restaurant
Fade in. They are all seated around a table.Niles: This restaurant has a wonderful Roquefort ravioli.
Daphne: I kind of had my heart set on lobster. Come and help me pick
one out.
Niles: I was just getting up to do that!
Daphne: No you weren't.
Niles: I was too.
Both: Spooky!
Frasier: So, Abby, you happen to get any interesting e-mails today?
Abby: Yes I did. But none that I feel comfortable discussing in
front of your father.
Martin: Hey, Abby, you'll like this one, we used to tell it in the
precinct: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Abby: I don't know. It depends on how many cops planted it there?
Martin looks a bit miffed.Frasier: Thrust and parry, Dad!
Abby's cell phone rings and she gets it out.Abby: Excuse me. [into phone] Abby Michaels. Hold on. [to Frasier]
It's a client.
Abby clicks the timer on her watch.Martin: [sotto voice to Frasier] Startin' the meter, huh?
Abby: I've already filed that motion, it's up to them, now. ... No,
no, no. I don't think that they would try that. But if you
like, I can call them, or better yet, I can send them a letter
just so we're on the record. OK, bye now.
She puts the cell phone away.Abby: Sorry. Where were we?
Martin: [tapping his watch] Aren't you forgettin' somethin'?
Abby: Oh, my goodness, you're right. It's getting very late and I
haven't even looked at the menu yet. My, so many choices.
What are you guys having?
Martin: Well, I'm pretty sure someone's gettin' scrod...
Daphne and Niles come back and take their seats as the waiter pours
the champagne.Abby: So how were the lobsters?
Daphne: They were too cute to eat. I'm having the veal.
Abby: Well, I propose a toast: to frivolous lawsuits and the
wonderful, charming clients they bring together.
Niles: Well, hear, hear.
Frasier: Abby, I'm sorry to spoil the mood, it's just... your client.
Abby: Oh, right. Thanks for reminding me.
She shuts off her watch and makes a note in her day planner.Niles: Oh, I don't believe it. Donny just walked in.
The others all turn.Niles: I said don't look!
Frasier: No, you did not!
Niles: Can you imagine anything more embarrassing than seeing us
here tonight?
Abby: Your menu's on fire.
Niles: Well, yes, that would be embarrassing... OH!
They all try to put it out.Frasier: No, not in the Dom Perignon.
Niles: Careful.
Abby finally grabs it and pushes it into the ice and water in the wine
bucket.Frasier: Oh, thank God.
Donny: Hi, Guys.
He comes over. They all make noises of greeting.Donny: Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Donny.
Donny: Niles.
Niles: Hello Donny.
Donny: Look, I realize you guys must be celebrating, but do you have
to start a bonfire?
The others try to laugh this off.Niles: Oh, celebrating?
Martin: He thinks we're celebrating.
Donny: Look, I know this is a little awkward, but I understand, don't
worry. In fact, I'm celebrating something myself.
Abby: Oh, you won a big case, Donny?
Donny: No. I, uh, I got engaged.
They are stunned, Daphne especially so.Frasier: Really? Boy, that's good news.
Daphne: Yes, yes it certainly is.
Donny: Thank you. In fact, she's sitting right over there.
He points to a woman at another table.Donny: Wave, Nancy. Show 'em the rock.
She waves and shows her ring.Frasier: Lovely.
Martin: Well, that's a big one.
Niles: Congratulations, Donny.
Donny: Thank you. I was representing her in her divorce and we
realized that we were... perfect... for each other. And,
I know it's very sudden, but that's fate for you, huh?
Frasier: Well, good luck.
Donny: Thanks. I should get back to Nancy, and you guys enjoy your
dinner. And, incidentally, the fire exits are located there
and there.
He makes the flight attendant motion with his arms. Everyone laughs
nervously and he goes over to the other table.Martin: Boy, that was weird.
Daphne: Now we know why he dropped the lawsuit.
Abby: Yes, he's in love.
Daphne: Or on the rebound.
Abby: Well, either way, it's good news for all of you. In fact
let's order another bottle of champagne. And by the way,
dinner is on me, or rather, the firm.
Frasier: Oh, no, no. I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to
pay for dinner.
Martin: Don't worry, you are.
Frasier gives him a sour look. FADE OUT.
End of Act 1
Act 2
GOING UP
Scene 1 - Frasier's Building
Fade in. Frasier is waiting for the elevator in the lobby. Niles
comes up behind him.Niles: Oh, Frasier, I was just coming up to see you.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Niles. Say, you're looking a little green around the
gills.
Niles: Please, don't even mention gills. The Yale Club had its
annual luncheon at Vashon Island, all seafood.
Frasier: Ah, didn't agree with you?
Niles: Oh, no, the food was fine. It was the four-foot swells
coming back on the ferry that didn't agree with me. I'm
afraid I was forced to return my sea bass to the sea.
Frasier: Actually, I had sort of a rough day myself. I can't stop
thinking about the bill Abby sent me.
Niles: Oh?
Frasier: Yes, well, after witnessing her rather slipshod record
keeping last night, I, I can't help feeling I'm getting
ripped off. So, I fired off a strongly worded e-mail today,
insisting on a point-by-point accounting of my bill.
The elevator arrives and they get on.
Reset to: Inside the Elevator.Niles: Oh, good idea. Nothing cements a relationship like calling
the girl a crook.
Frasier: Speaking of relationships, how about Donny's decision to get
engaged? My God, talk about classic rebound behavior.
Niles: Classic. Is it just me, or is this elevator swaying?
Frasier: Certainly not the wisest decision Donny could have made at
this point. You know, maybe somebody should have a talk with
him.
Niles: Stop! Don't even think about it. Right now the only thing
Donny needs is to be left alone.
The elevator comes to a stop, Niles reaches for the wall. When the
doors open, Daphne is standing there.Frasier: Oh, hi, Daph.
Daphne: Hello.
He goes into the apartment.Niles: Hello.
He kisses her and she hurries onto the elevator.Niles: Where are you off to?
Daphne: I've got to see Donny.
Niles gives a little nod, then grabs for the door and gets on the
elevator with her.Niles: Why in the world do you have to see Donny?
The doors close.Daphne: I'm worried about him. He's making such a rash decision.
I just want to make sure he's OK.
The elevator starts down and Niles jerks and sways a bit.Daphne: It's not just about that. We never really had a proper
goodbye, and I feel bad leaving things the way we did.
Niles: [putting his hand on hers] What you're looking for is...
[he makes a dry heave] ...closure.
Daphne: Yeah, I knew you'd understand. [She looks closer at him.]
Niles, are you feeling OK?
Niles: Oh, yes. I feel fine.
Daphne: Well, in that case, when I get back this will all be behind us.
We can celebrate! I'll make us a nice big English country
dinner: steak and kidney pudding.
He looks less than thrilled at this. When the elevator stops, Daphne
gets off and Roz rushes up.Roz: Hold the elevator! Hey, Daphne. Niles! I need your opinion.
Niles: Oh, really, I was just about to...
She pulls him back onto the elevator.Roz: I need some more classical music to tape for Alice.
Niles: What?
The elevator starts and he throws his hands out, off balance.
She pulls a piece of paper from her purse.Roz: Yeah. Frasier gave me this list, but it has over three
hundred names on it. Who do you think is best? [She holds
the paper out.]
Niles: I would really rather not read right now.
Roz: Oh, oh, off the top of your head. Alice really loves those
up-tempo numbers. Last night we were listening to "Peer
Gynt," and she started doing all these little ballerina moves.
You should have seen her, she was so cute! She would sway
back and forth to the music and do these little spins and
jumps. I was doing them with her but I started getting so
dizzy. The room went around and around and around...
Niles has watched her, looking less and less stable. The elevator
stops and the doors open.Roz: Oh, never mind, I'll ask Frasier.
As she steps off the elevator, Frasier passes her to get on.Roz: Frasier, where are you going? What about the CD?
Frasier: I'm sorry. Take what you like and mark it down on the sign-
out sheet.
He grabs Niles and pulls him back onto the elevator.Frasier: Niles, thank God you're here. Come with me. Listen, there
was a message from Abby on the machine. She says she needs
to see me right away.
The door closes and Niles again sways as it starts.Frasier: She must have gotten my e-mail. God, the message was so short
that I can't really tell what sort of mood she's in. I guess
if she had been really angry, she would have left some
indication on the machine. Well, then again, being a savvy
lawyer, you know, she might not want to tip her hand. Well,
whatever happens, I feel confident that I made the right
decision.
As the elevator comes to a stop, Niles clutches at his shoulder.Frasier: Oh, thanks, Niles. You've been a support.
He gets off the elevator. Martin is there holding a paper bag.Frasier: Hi, Dad.
Martin: Hey.
Niles again tries to leave the elevator.Martin: Niles, great news: Tony the chili guy got his license back.
Check it out!
He puts the bag under Niles' nose. Niles very carefully and slowly
walks away. FADE OUT.Scene 2 - The Courthouse
Fade in. Donny is standing in front of one of the rooms. A man comes
up to him.Donny: Oh, you have the rings?
Best Man: [patting his pocket] Right here. You nervous?
Donny: Well, gee, yeah. I'm excited. I can't believe Nancy's
gonna be my wife after all these... weeks.
The friend waves towards the room.Donny: OK.
He starts to follow, but notices Daphne has come up.Donny: Daphne, what are you doing here?
Daphne: Your receptionist told me you'd left for court.
Donny: Actually, this is not a good time.
Daphne: I know. You're probably in the middle of a big trial so I'll
be brief. Donny, after seeing you at the restaurant last
night, I want you to know I'm worried about you.
Donny: OK, this is about Nancy?
Daphne: I'm sure she's a lovely person. And I probably have no right
saying this, but I hope you're not rushing into anything.
Donny: Uh, look, Daphne...
Daphne: I know, I know. I'm way out of line here. But, I still care
what happens to you. Take the time to get to know each other.
Believe me, you'll be glad you did when the day comes you
finally do get married.
Nancy comes up in a white outfit and carrying a bouquet.Daphne: Well, what do you know, it's here.
Donny kisses Nancy and guides her to the room.Donny: I'll meet you inside. I'll be one second, all right?
Nancy goes in.Daphne: I'm so sorry. My timing's so terrible.
Donny: Not really. If you hang around a few minutes, I'm sure we can
get you on the wedding video.
Daphne: I really had no idea you were getting married so soon.
Donny: Well, call me crazy, but I've got a prejudice against long
engagements.
Donny's mother comes up and hugs him.Donny: Mom.
Mrs. Douglas: Oh, Sweety, you look so handsome. [She notices Daphne
and gasps.] It's you!
Daphne: Hello, Mother Douglas.
Mrs. Douglas: MRS. Douglas. You have some nerve showing up here.
Donny: Mom.
Mrs. Douglas: You can beg all you want, but he's not coming back.
Donny: Mom, Mom.
Mrs. Douglas: He's done crying his eyes out over you.
Donny: Mom, Mom, she knows, she knows.
Mrs. Douglas: Why don't you go back...?
Donny shoos her through the doors.Donny: Look, Daphne, I don't mean to rush you, but is there anything
else?
Daphne: Just this: I never really said how sorry I was about what
happened. I really am.
Donny: Well, Daphne, if it puts your mind at ease, I know what I'm
doing. I'm happy, I'm ready to go on with my life. So...
The Best Man sticks his head out the door, motioning to Donny.Donny: Yeah, I know. I'm... [to Daphne] Goodbye.
Daphne: Donny.
He turns in the doorway. She reaches out and straightens his tie.Daphne: Congratulations.
Donny: Thank you, Daphne.
He goes inside. Daphne looks a bit melancholy and walks off.
FADE OUT.
Scene 3 - Abby's Office
Fade in. Abby is at her computer with a technician. Frasier comes in.
Abby: Oh, there you are.
Frasier: I got your message. You sounded kind of urgent so I came
right down. I suppose you read my e-mail.
Abby: No. Actually my computer's been down all day. But if
it's anything like the last one we'll know what overheated
my hard drive.
Technician: Give it a few minutes to reconnect to the server and then
it will be up and running.
Abby: Thank you.
The technician leaves.Frasier: So, ah, why did you call me?
Abby closes the door.Abby: Well, Frasier, I thought we could celebrate.
Frasier: Really. Celebrate what?
Abby: Well, this morning I was called down to the conference room
and all the partners were there. I thought they were going
to yell at me because they found out I'd given you a discount,
but instead, they told me I made partner.
Frasier: You gave me a discount? I mean, I mean congratulations.
They hug.Abby: Thank you.
Frasier: Oh, my God, you certainly deserve it. [He pulls back.] What
kind of discount?
Abby: You didn't even notice, did you?
Frasier: No, no I did notice. I did. I swear to God I noticed.
I even pointed it out to Dad.
Abby: That's very sweet.
She kisses him.Frasier: You're the sweet one.
They kiss again, then she steps back.Abby: I'm not always... [she pulls her top open and off] ...sweet.
Frasier: Oh, Abby.
The embrace and start necking.Computer: You have e-mail!
Frasier gets a panicked look.Abby: I'm not reading them! The office is closed.
Frasier: That's a very good decision. That is partner-level thinking.
Abby: Wait! What am I thinking? You sent me another one of those
naughty e-mails, haven't you? Maybe we should act this one
out.
She goes to her computer.Frasier: No, no! Actually, I just forwarded you an ad for reduced
mortgage rates.
Abby: Why are you blushing, Frasier?
Frasier: Because they're embarrassingly low.
Abby: This says "Re: Our Relationship".
Frasier: All right, you're on to me. Just come here and sit down
and relax. And I will read it to you. Prepare to be...
scandalized.
He sits her in a chair and goes around the desk to the computer.Frasier: "Dear Abby, I read your column every week." Kidding. Now,
here's the real stuff, now. Um, "I'm, ah, lying here in bed
and I can't stop thinking about you."
Abby: Oh, this is getting good.
Frasier: Oh, you like that, do you? Uh, "Your golden hair cascades
down your bare shoulders and I kiss the curve at the back of
your neck."
Abby: I'm very lonely over here.
She gets up and walks towards him. He hits a key and there is a beep
from the computer.Frasier: Oh, gosh, I deleted it by accident.
Abby: Oh, no, that's too bad. I really wanted to hear the rest of
that.
Frasier: Well, you know what? We can write a new ending together.
But there's no need to rush. We'll just start very slowly,
at the beginning. And then, we'll move, gently, into the
middle. And then I'm sure you'll want to add a few plot
twists of your own.
He takes off his jacket, tosses it on the floor and sits on the couch.
There is a beep from the printer and Abby takes a sheet from it.Frasier: And finally, we'll just...what are you reading?
Abby: Your e-mail. You printed it by mistake. You think I'm
ripping you off?!
Frasier: No! No, no! I did not use those words! Actually, I, I just
took issue with a couple of figures.
Abby: And you come in here and lie to me?!
Frasier: Well, "lie" is a very strong word.
Abby: Well, so is "chiseler".
Frasier: Abby, I realize I've made a terrible mistake, and I wrote
some very harsh things. But, to my credit, I did attempt to
delete it before you got a chance to read it.
She opens the door.Abby: Get out.
Frasier: Oh, come on! Look at the two of us. We can't stay mad at
each other.
Abby: I said get out!
He walks out, she picks his jacket up.Abby: And to think that I almost slept with you.
She throws the jacket at him and slams the door.
CUT TO: the hallway, where Frasier has the jacket on his head.Frasier: You still can!
FADE OUT.Credits:
Niles comes up to Frasier's apartment, eating licorice. He rings the
bell and Roz opens the door. Looking worried she points him to Martin,
who is on the couch, looking ill. The chili container is on the coffee
table next to him. Niles walks over and offers him some licorice.
Martin rolls off the couch and gets to his feet with his cane,
struggling to get away.