ACT ONE
Scene One – Café Nervosa
FADE IN
Niles and Martin are seated at a table. Frasier enters in his squash
togs.Frasier: Oh, hello Dad, hi Niles.
Martin: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: [to the counter waiter] Uh, may I get my usual, please?
[notices Niles’s suit] Niles, we’re playing squash in twenty
minutes. Where are your togs?
Niles: Oh, yes, I had to hide them in my briefcase. I told Daphne I
was seeing patients all day. It was the only way I could get
out of driving her to this flower show. It’s two hours there
and back.
Frasier: I see. Well, we could have rescheduled. Did you really have
to lie?
Niles: Did I mention we’d be joined by Daphne’s mother, who’s
suffering from some female complaint and can’t get it through
her head that I’m not a gynecologist?
Frasier: Ah. Well, then you had to save yourself.
The waiter brings their coffees.
Niles: Thank you. So, please, don’t tell anyone we’re playing squash
today. I can’t have it getting back to Daphne.
Frasier: Right.
Roz enters.Roz: Hey, guys! [they all ad-lib hellos] I’m so glad you’re here,
you can meet my new boyfriend. He’s the hottest guy I’ve
dated since...
Niles: Frasier...
He has noticed a man in a topcoat getting his coffee at the counter.
Frasier turns to look and also becomes excited.
Roz: Okay, the hottest guy since... [cracking up] Frasier. [laughs]
Niles: That’s Alistair Burke!
Frasier: I know!
Martin: Who’s Alistair Burke?
Frasier: He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the
finest directors in the world.
Niles: His productions are brilliant. He staged a Phillip Glass
opera last year, and no one left.
Frasier and Niles rise to introduce themselves.
[N.B. This would be the second time that Kelsey Grammer and Patrick
Stewart have crossed paths – the first being Grammer’s cameo on Star
Trek: The Next Generation as Captain Morgan Bateson in the episode,
"Cause and Effect."
Grammer was the third actor from Cheers to appear on a Star Trek set,
after Kirstie Alley in "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" and Bebe Neuwirth
in the Next Generation episode "First Contact."
On the other hand, Stewart is the fourth actor from a Star Trek series
to appear on Frasier - the others being Robert Picardo from Voyager in
[9.11] "Bully for Martin," Brent Spiner from Next Generation in [10.13]
"Lilith Needs a Favor," and Nana Visitor from Deep Space Nine in [10.14]
"Daphne Does Dinner."]
Frasier: Alistair – uh, it’s, it’s Frasier Crane. Uh, we met last
year at the fundraiser.
Alistair: [shaking hands] Of course! You’re on the radio.
Frasier: Yes, yes!
Alistair: [to Niles] And you’re, uh – don’t tell me...
Niles waits with a hopeful grin.
Alistair: All right, tell me.
Niles: [deflated] Niles Crane. [also shakes hands]
Frasier: Yes, we’ve both got tickets to your premiere, and, oh, we
can’t wait to see what magic you’ll work with "La Boheme."
Alistair: [arch] Well, I would be content if my Mimi would just lay off
the cheeseburgers. I sat her down yesterday and I said,
“you’re dying of consumption, dear, not over-consumption.”
Frasier and Niles both give loud, suck-up laughs. Martin and Roz share
an eye-roll.
Frasier: Oh, that’s hilarious!
Niles: It’s funny because it’s bitchy.
Frasier: Yes, and how well you’re looking!
Alistair: Oh, thank you.
Niles: I like your suit!
Alistair: Well, you’re too kind, and it’s nice to see you again. Bye-
bye, take care.
Alistair leaves. Frasier and Niles are still grinning with excitement.
Roz: Wow, that was thorough. Find any polyps up there?
Frasier: We were merely paying due respect to one of the giants of the
opera world.
Barry, Roz’s new boyfriend, enters. He is wearing jeans and a black
t-shirt that shows off his physique to good effect.
Barry: Hey!
Roz: Barry, hi! This is Frasier, and Niles, and Martin.
Barry shakes their hands.
Martin: Hi – whoa, strong handshake. You look like you work out a
lot.
Roz: He practically lives at the gym.
Barry: Well, it’s my church.
Frasier looks suspicious.
Barry: Oh, this blouse looks amazing on you.
Frasier: Yes, it’s very chic, Roz.
Roz: Well, Barry picked it out. He’s the women’s wear buyer at
Bidwell’s. He spent a whole day last week going through my
closet and throwing out all the stuff I shouldn’t wear
anymore.
Barry: You should have seen what she was still holding on to –
culottes!
Roz: Stop it!
She pushes him playfully towards the counter.
Frasier: Well... one wonders what’s been in Barry’s closet a little too
long. [Niles sniggers]
Martin: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Oh, come on, he didn’t seem gay to you?
Martin: That guy’s not gay! You know how you can tell? The muscles.
Niles: [playing along] Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.
Martin nods. Roz comes back.
Roz: So, isn’t he fabulous?
Frasier: Yes, yes, uh, fabulous sums it up in a word.
Martin: I think he’s perfect for you, Roz – good-looking, friendly,
[at Frasier] and not gay at all.
Roz: Who said he was gay?
Martin: Not me.
Roz: He’s not gay!
Frasier: Yes, all right, Roz, but you can see how someone might get
that impression, all right?
Roz: Why, because of his job? Because he takes care of himself?
That is just such lazy, stereotypical...
Frasier: All right, you’re right, it was a shallow, knee-jerk assumption,
and unworthy of us, both as psychiatrists and men about town.
Barry comes back with two takeout cups in a tray, and a biscotti.
Barry: We better go, we’re gonna miss the movie.
Roz: Right, bye.
Martin: See you.
Roz: [sees the tray] What, no biscotti for you?
Barry: Please – I’m a house.
They exit. Frasier and Niles mouth at each other, “So gay.”
FADE OUT
Scene Two – Street
It’s evening, and Frasier and Niles are walking home together. Niles
is back in his suit, but Frasier is still in his squash togs, and his
stride is extremely short.
Niles: Can’t you walk any faster?
Frasier: I’m moving as fast as I can in these ridiculous shorts of
yours.
Niles: Well, you wouldn’t need them if you hadn’t burst out of your
own.
Frasier: I did not burst out of them. My laundress simply over-
bleached them until they had the tensile strength of a cobweb.
If you’re in such a hurry you should have brought your own
car.
Niles: Daphne needed it for her flower show. And remember...
Frasier: Yes, yes, you were seeing patients. We did not play squash.
Niles stops.
Niles: Is that Roz’s boyfriend?
It is indeed Barry at the other end of the street, walking towards
them. Frasier and Niles turn toward each other in a huddle.
Niles: Oh, you don’t suppose she told him what we were saying about
him?
Frasier: No, I can’t imagine she would do that. Let’s just act
natural.
Niles: All right.
But when they turn back, Barry has gone.
Frasier: Where did he go?
Niles: Odd. He was just here.
Walking forward, they notice a set of stairs leading down, below a lit
sign that says, “Bad Billy’s.”
Niles: “Bad Billy’s.” What sort of place do you think that is?
Frasier reads another sign by the stairs: “Tuesday is Leather Night.”
Frasier: Well, let’s see. Tuesday is leather night... so it’s probably
some sort of shoe outlet. [then] It’s a gay bar, you idiot.
[Niles mouths, “I know that”] Come on, let’s go.
He heads for the stairs.
Niles: What?! No, no, no, no! I told Daphne I was seeing patients
until seven. If I’m late, she might get suspicious.
Frasier: Niles, Roz is my friend. I’m not going to let her get hurt by
some man who’s lying to her about himself. I’ll be just a
minute.
He heads down the stairs as Niles waits outside, uncomfortable.
CUT TO: Inside Bad Billy’s
Frasier enters. Men of varying ages and attires are sat at tables
or standing around – but Frasier immediately stands out in his skimpy
shorts. He approaches a man at a table.
Frasier: Excuse me, uh, I’m looking for a guy.
Patron: Yeah, I kinda got that from the shorts.
Frasier: It’s a particular guy – he’s about thirty-five years old...
The bartender hails Frasier.
Eduardo: Frasier?
Frasier: Eduardo! [to the patron] My furniture polisher. Don’t tell me
you put away paste and chamois for life as a barkeep.
Eduardo: I just do this on the side.
Frasier: Oh, well, bet you’re surprised to see me in here.
Eduardo: [going along] Okay.
Frasier: All right, look, I thought I saw a friend of mine come in
here. He’s, uh, mid-thirties, uh, wavy hair, good build...
Eduardo: Yeah, I think he’s in the bathroom.
Frasier: Oh, oh...
He is unsure what to do next, when loud dance music blares. Almost
unconsciously, he starts moving to the beat. He decides to wait.
Eduardo: Can I get you a drink?
Frasier: [still moving to the music; "why not?"] Sherry, please.
CUT TO: Street
Niles is still waiting outside, when Barry emerges from the
apartment building that they passed walking towards Bad Billy’s
after Barry vanished – apparently that’s where he was really going.
Mortified, Niles grabs a free magazine from a rack next to the
stairway, opens it and holds it in front of his face. As Barry
walks past him, this is no impediment to identification.
Barry: Oh, hi Niles.
Niles: Hey, Barry.
When Barry has passed, Niles really looks at the magazine’s contents.
Confused, he looks at the front cover and starts, realizing it is a
gay adult contact magazine. He hurriedly replaces it, grabs his
briefcase and runs down the stairs.
CUT TO: Bad Billy’s
Frasier is sitting at the bar, sipping his sherry and bobbing to the
music. Niles comes in, very uncomfortable.
Niles: [over the music] Frasier, Barry’s not here. I just saw him.
Frasier: [not hearing him] What?
Niles: Barry’s not here, let’s go.
Frasier: He’s in the bathroom.
Niles: No, he’s not. Can we just go, please?
Frasier: What did you say?
Niles: Daphne’s expecting me, let’s go!
Frasier: Come again?
Niles: [yelling] Oh, for God’s sake...
The music stops abruptly.
Niles: I’m begging you, please take me home!
The brothers look around, acutely aware that everyone is looking at
them with big grins.
Frasier: You see, actually, he and I are...
Another loud dance number starts up, drowning him out. He gives up
and heads for the door. As he leaves, Eduardo grins and flashes him
a thumbs-up. Frasier smiles feebly and exits with Niles.
FADE TO:
THE DOCTOR IS OUT
Scene Three – KACL
Frasier is doing his show.
Frasier: You can rationalize your actions all you want to, Kevin, but
the truth is, you’re just not being honest, are you?
Kevin: [v.o.] I guess I’m not, but it’s not like you’re so honest
about everything in your life.
Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Kevin: Well, you’ve never told your audience you’re gay.
Frasier: Excuse me?
Kevin: I saw you in a gay bar last night.
Roz, at first surprised, now looks mad – she already suspects what
this is about. Frasier gives her an uncomfortable glance.
Frasier: Oh. Oh, I see. [chuckling] Yes, in fact, I did pop into Bad
Billy’s yesterday. You see, I thought I had seen a gentlemen
I wished to speak with go in there, and I’d certainly never
been in that bar before.
Kevin: Then how come you knew the bartender by name? And why were
you wearing those tight little shorts?
Frasier: Well, they-they were not my shorts. You see, I’d been playing
squash, and I borrowed them from my... [catches himself] uh,
from my friend, who is slim-hipped.
Kevin: Yeah, kind of like that nervous guy you picked up.
Frasier: Look, I did not pick anybody up! All right, I am going to put
an end to this discussion, because there is nothing to
discuss. On my way home from the gym, I popped into Bad
Billy’s looking for a man I was hoping was in the bathroom. I
had a quick sherry with my French polisher and then I left.
As for how I got into another man’s shorts, that is no one’s
business!
Realizing what he has said and how it sounds, he is about to dig
himself in deeper, but Roz cuts him off.
Roz: And we’re off the air.
Frasier: [throws off his headphones] Oh, dear God!
Roz enters his booth, furious.
Roz: That man you thought you saw going into Bad Billy’s, that
wouldn’t be Barry, would it?
Frasier: All right, Roz. I-I saw him on the street, I turned, and the
next thing I knew he was gone. I thought he was...
Roz: Yeah, you know what Barry was doing from 10:00 until midnight
last night?
Frasier: What?
Roz: Me, that’s what! He’s not gay, whereas you, Miss Marple,
you’ve just been outed.
Frasier: Outed?!
The door opens, and – who else? – Gil enters.
Gil: Frasier! I am so sorry, I thought that last call was
appalling.
Frasier: Thank you, Gil.
Gil: You poor man! How long you must have dreaded this dark, yet
inevitable day. I so wish you could have been allowed to come
out in a time and manner of your own choosing, instead of
being wrenched from your closet, your voice cracking, your
cheeks crimson with shame...
Frasier: Gil, I am not gay. [packs his briefcase]
Gil: Oh, Frasier, you can’t play coy once you’ve been caught
traipsing about Bad Billy’s in shorts that left little to the
imagination.
Frasier: They were not my shorts! I simply borrowed them because my
own had split when I bent over...
Gil: Oh, please! We don’t need to know everything. I just want to
say that your KACL family will be here for you as you take
your first brave steps on that yellow brick road to pride and
self-acceptance and...
Frasier: Oh, shut up, you big queen!
He exits with his briefcase.
Gil: I see Kitty has claws.
As mad as she is, Roz is trying hard not to laugh.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Four – Café Nervosa
Frasier is sat at a table, having just finished his coffee. A waitress
brings him two biscotti on a plate and collects his empty cup.
Frasier: Oh, um, another latte to go, please. [hands her some money]
And you can take it out of there, thank you. [re: biscotti]
I-I didn’t order these.
Waitress: They’re from those guys over there.
She motions to two men seated at the counter. They smile and wave at
Frasier, which he feebly returns. Martin enters, in a bleak mood.
Frasier: Oh, Dad. You care for a coffee?
Martin: Nah. I can see where you might think I would, though. A guy
walks into a coffee bar, he can’t blame people for thinking he
likes coffee.
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Martin: Course, uh, if he didn’t like it, he could make that clear to
people. He might say, "I am not a coffee drinker"...
Frasier, chewing disconsolately on one of the biscotti, nods.
Martin: Or, "I have never tried coffee even once."
Frasier: Yes, all right, Dad.
Martin: "I am not even curious about..."
Frasier: Yes, all right! [the waitress brings his latte] Thank you.
Martin trudges to the counter. Niles comes in, with the now-familiar
smug little grin on his face. He sits with Frasier.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: I see you caught my show.
Niles: Mmm-hmm.
Frasier: Go ahead, let’s hear it.
Niles: I’m not going to tease you. I’m grateful. You could have
ratted me out to Daphne, but instead, you protected me... just
like a big sister should. [sniggers]
Frasier: You know, I’m glad this tickles you.
Niles: I shouldn’t make fun. You people have been persecuted long
enough as it is. [sniggers again]
Frasier: Are you done?
Niles: I’m done.
Frasier: [rises] I will return those shorts to you tomorrow.
Niles: No, keep them, you’ll want them for the parade! [laughs, then]
I’m done, now I’m done.
As Frasier is about to leave, and Martin comes back to the table with
his coffee, Alistair emerges from the men’s room.
Alistair: Frasier!
Frasier: Oh, Alistair.
Alistair: So sorry to hear about your ordeal today.
Frasier: Oh, boy – you heard my show then?
Alistair: No, I heard the replay on "Kiki and Mel’s Drivetime Circus."
If it’s any comfort, I went through the same thing myself
once.
Frasier: Really?
Alistair: Yes, I was a guest on a call-in show, and an angry ex-
boyfriend phoned in. Everything came out: names, dates,
birthmarks. Had quite a chat with the wife that night.
Very frank... very expensive.
[N.B. Ian McKellen’s "outing" occurred in similar circumstances – the
actor was a guest on a call-in show, and when the discussion drifted
to the subject of gay rights, one particularly conservative caller
remarked, "why can’t those people just stay in their clubs?"
McKellen lost his temper and shot back, "you mean like the Garrick Club?"
(a very old, very conservative restaurant/men’s club in London)
McKellen then revealed his orientation, adding that he wouldn’t be caught
dead in the Garrick.]
Frasier: Oh, how awful for you. Of course, in my case-
Alistair: I know what might rally your spirits. I’m giving a small party
after the premiere of my opera next week. Are you free to come?
Behind Alistair, Niles shoots to his feet.
Frasier: I’d be delighted!
Alistair: Splendid! Well, I must get to rehearsals.
Frasier: Oh, how are things coming?
Alistair: You can tag along, see for yourself if you like. [Niles gapes]
Frasier: I would love that! Let me just grab my coffee. [runs back to
his table and does] Goodbye, Dad. [smugly] Niles.
He exits. Niles turns around, apoplectic – mouth gaping, knees wobbling.
He sinks into his chair.
Niles: Did you see that? I would kill to go to that party! [sulky]
I was at that gay bar too, you know.
Martin: Let’s see... one of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My
other son is jealous. [bites his biscotti] Yep, life is good.
FADE TO:
Scene Five – Apartment
Martin is sitting in his chair, and Daphne is rolling up her exercise
mat – they have just finished Martin’s exercises. Niles is also there.
Frasier enters, excited.
Frasier: Dad, please clean up that debris around your chair. Alistair
is coming by.
Martin: Oh, Alistair – that’s all we’ve heard around here all week.
Alistair this, Alistair that...
Daphne: You can’t blame him for being excited. It’s fun having a
famous friend. When I lived in England... do you know the
actor Peter O’Toole?
Martin: [interested] Sure.
Daphne: I always thought it would be fun to be friends with him.
Martin sinks back down again – what did he expect? The doorbell rings.
Frasier: Now, that’s him. Everyone just act natural.
He opens the door.
Alistair: Frasier!
Frasier: Alistair!
They hug and kiss each other’s cheeks.
Alistair: You smell fantastic.
Frasier: Oh, it must be my new conditioner. Sandalwood with just a
hint of...?
Alistair: ...Cloves.
Frasier: Oh, the man’s amazing. He has the musical panache of Leonard
Bernstein and the nose of a Tuscan truffle hog.
Alistair: You turn my head, sir.
Frasier: Oh, well, come and meet my father, Martin Crane.
Alistair: Well, how lovely to meet you, Martin.
Martin: [shaking hands] How are you?
Alistair: Niles...
Niles: Hello.
Alistair: Love the tie.
Niles: [preening] Charvet.
Daphne: And I’m Daphne, Niles’ wife.
Alistair: [disbelieving] No.
Niles: We’re expecting.
Alistair: Can’t say I was. How lovely to meet you, Daphne.
Daphne: Likewise.
[N.B. Again, Jane Leeves is very obviously pregnant by this time –
though unlike Season Eight, they’re taking no trouble to conceal it.]
Alistair: Frasier, this apartment is stunning.
Frasier: Thank you.
Alistair: The view – breathtaking; the art – perfect; the chair –
hilarious.
Martin looks put down. Alistair’s mobile rings.
Alistair: Damn. So sorry. I have to take this call. [answers phone]
Hello? Placido!
Frasier nearly falls over.
Frasier: Placido Domingo?!
Alistair: [aside] Yes. [Niles also gapes; into phone] I’m here with
Frasier. Yes, he’s the one I told you about. Oh, stop!
He motions around, asking Frasier where he can talk in private.
Frasier: Oh, oh, yes, uh... in the kitchen.
Alistair: [heads into the kitchen; into phone] Well, you’ll meet him
next month at the concert in Madrid. [puts phone to shoulder]
Oops! Now I’ve spoiled the surprise.
He goes into the kitchen.
Frasier: [ecstatic] He’s taking me to Madrid!
Martin: You just met him last week, what’s going on? He kissed you.
Frasier: Well, he’s a man of the theater, he kisses everyone. Well,
it’s not like he’s the first gay friend I’ve ever had.
Niles: He’s the first one who thinks you’re gay, too.
Frasier: He does not think I’m gay.
Niles: He thinks I’m gay, and I’m standing next to my pregnant wife.
Martin: Have you told him you’re straight?
Frasier: I don’t have to. I mean, it’s obvious – we are just friends.
[crosses his arms] He is not courting me.
Niles: [notices] Is that a new watch?
Frasier: [drops his arms] So what if it is!
Daphne: Jewelry! Ooh, he’s a keeper.
Frasier: Stop that! My friendship with Alistair is the best thing
that’s happened to me in months. I will not have you sully it
by making it out to be something it’s not.
Alistair sweeps in again.
Alistair: Sorry, my angel. Well, we’d best get to that tailor.
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, we’re having new tuxes made for Alistair’s
premiere party this weekend.
Alistair: To which you are all invited.
Niles: [gasps] Thank you!
As they leave, Alistair picks up a treat from a plate of small pastries
that Frasier set out.
Daphne: Will Peter O’Toole be there?
Alistair: No, and he knows why. [eats one] These are amazing! Where
did you get them?
Frasier: I made them myself.
Alistair: No... is there anything this man can’t do?
Niles: Time will tell.
Frasier and Alistair exit.
FADE TO:
THE QUEERNESS OF YOU
Scene Six – Alistair’s Mansion
It’s late in the evening after Alistair’s premiere, but the elegant
party is in full swing in the grand ballroom of Alistair’s home.
A string quartet is playing.
Frasier and Niles, in tuxes, enter with Daphne, in an ample dress.
Both brothers are dazzled by the attendance.
Niles: Will you look at this crowd? It’s like a Who’s Who of the
crème de la crème of the upper crust!
Alistair, also in a tux, appears at the top of the grand staircase.
Alistair: Frasier!
Frasier: [coming over] Alistair, your production was a triumph!
Alistair: Wasn’t it? [then] Smile.
He poses with Frasier for a photographer, huddling close to Frasier.
This gives Frasier another frisson of uncertainty, but he forces it
down.
Alistair: [to Niles and Daphne] Welcome, welcome.
Niles: Thank you.
Alistair: There are so many people here I’m dying for you to meet, but
I have to make a little announcement first. Glinka, darling,
come and meet Frasier.
Frasier is overwhelmed again – Glinka, a diva and the star of the show!
Glinka: Frasier, finally!
Frasier: Oh, Glinka, it’s such an honor to meet you. I have all your
recordings. [kisses her hands]
Glinka: So I hear that you and Alistair are quite an item.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, we’re just very good friends.
Glinka: [playing along] Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Alistair mounts the staircase.
Alistair: Everyone! Could I have your attention, please? I have to
announce that our very own Nigel Frye is retiring and giving
up his seat on the Opera board...
As Nigel raises his glass, the crowd sigh sadly.
Alistair: But I am thrilled to name as his successor a tireless
supporter of opera in Seattle, Dr. Frasier Crane.
For Frasier, that’s the final triumph. He gapes, trembling with
ecstasy, as everyone oohs and aahs, applauding.
Frasier: Oh! Oh, my! Oh, I never dreamed... [hugs Alistair]
Oh, thank you, thank you!
Alistair: [between kisses on Frasier’s cheeks] Congratu...lations.
Glinka: [aside to Niles and Daphne] Stunning couple, aren’t they?
Niles: I’m more stunned by them each day.
Frasier comes over to them, still ecstatic.
Frasier: [hugs Daphne] Oh, Daph.
Daphne: What an honor.
Frasier: Oh my God!
Niles: Isn’t it thrilling? Frasier, can we talk to you for a moment?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: Do you realize that every person in this room thinks that
you’re Alistair’s boyfriend?
Frasier: Listen, I can’t help it if people think we’re a couple. The
point is, I’m enjoying myself, and if you’re too jealous to be
happy for me, then that’s your problem.
Niles: Jealous?!
Frasier: Yes, that’s right. All my life, I have dreamed of being half
of a power couple, and I finally am! Is it perfect? No. But
it’s fun, and I don’t want it to end.
Daphne: Don’t you worry at all that Alistair might be falling for you?
Frasier: Oh, please, the man has not even made a move on me. And do
you know why? Because we are friends. Famous, fabulous
friends.
Alistair comes over.
Niles: Oh, uh, Alistair. Congratulations, it was a stunning
production.
Alistair: Well, thank you, Niles.
Daphne: It must be awfully hard work putting on an opera.
Alistair: It is utterly draining. In fact, when I’m in rehearsals, I
devote every ounce of strength to it. No exercising, no
jogging, I even abstain from sex. Well, you can ask Frasier
here. [caresses Frasier’s chin] My poor, dear, patient
Frasier.
Glinka: [comes over] Care to dance?
Alistair: I would love to. [caresses Frasier’s chin again] Don’t go
far.
He and Glinka move off.
Niles: [smug again] Well, looks like Nigel won’t be the only one
“giving up his seat” tonight.
Frasier: I could scratch your eyes out and not one person here would
find it strange.
Daphne: I’m sorry.
Frasier: Damn my fatal allure.
He goes over to where Alistair and Glinka are dancing.
Frasier: Alistair, when you’re finished with this dance...
Glinka: [charmed] Oh no, be my guest.
She breaks away and allows Frasier to cut in. Alistair and Frasier
begin to waltz, Frasier very uncomfortable.
Alistair: Frasier, do you have any idea how sexy you look in that tux?
Frasier: Yes, I do. Alistair, I’m afraid I may have given you the
wrong impression about myself.
Alistair: You seem nervous. Don’t be. And I want to thank you for
waiting.
Frasier: Oh no, the waiting was good, I enjoyed the waiting.
Alistair: Oh, me too! [twirls Frasier] How it sharpens the appetite.
How it builds! [dancing more against him] The intensity, the
heat, the desire! Can you feel it?!
Frasier: [literally, in terror] Oh yes, there it is!
He stops dancing and takes Alistair aside.
Frasier: Alistair, um... listen, I-I, I’m afraid I have to tell you
something. Uh... I’m not gay.
Alistair: Oh, Frasier, please don’t tell me you’re still struggling
with those issues.
Frasier: Well, I-I like you so much, and I love our friendship. I’m
afraid we can never really be more than friends.
Alistair: Would three weeks on Capri in Bertolucci’s villa change your
mind?
Frasier struggles mightily.
Frasier: It’s worth a try. [then] No, no, no. It-it wouldn’t. I’m
sorry.
Alistair: [sighs] Well, then...
Frasier: I’m so sorry.
Alistair: So am I. Could I ask a small favor of you?
Frasier: Of course, anything.
Alistair: Would you mind staying tonight until my other guests have
gone? I’d hate my friends to think I’ve been jilted.
Frasier: Of course.
Alistair: It won’t be very late. Around about 3:00 it’s down to the
core crowd, and we’ll all relax and unwind.
Alistair’s servant comes over.
Servant: It’s after midnight, sir. Shall I fire up the hot tub?
Alistair: Absolutely.
Frasier: I’m afraid I don’t have a bathing suit.
Alistair: Then you’ll fit right in.
He drifts away into the crowd as Frasier starts to look panicked.
END OF ACT TWOCredits:
Street:
Roz and Barry are walking home along the same street after an evening out.
As they pass Bad Billy’s, they walk by another man rather obviously hiding
his face with a magazine. Reaching the door of Barry’s building, they kiss
and then go inside.
The man lowers the magazine – it is Gil. He folds the magazine under his arm,
gives his hair a smooth-down pat, and walks down the stairs to Bad Billy’s.