Act 1
Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa
[Fade in. Niles and Daphne are sitting at a table together.]
Niles: Mmm, that lemon sunrise smells refreshing.
Daphne: Ugh. Tastes like a cup of cold sink. Oh, it's hell to be
pregnant.
Niles: I know.
Daphne: No you don't.
Niles: No I don't. And that's why I got you this present.
[He hands her an envelope and she opens it.]
Daphne: Belle de Jour Day Spa?
Niles: Yes, it's for this afternoon. I think you need a little
pampering.
Daphne: Oh, Niles. I'm so lucky to have a husband who's so tolerant
of my...
Niles: Mood swings?
Daphne: [crossly] I would have come up with it, I'm not stupid!
[Frasier comes in the front.]
Frasier: Hello, all.
Niles: Hey
Daphne: Hello.
Frasier: What a glorious morning it is, isn't it? [to the counterman]
May I get my usual, please?
[He sits down at the table.]
Niles: Well, well. Nice to see you're approaching your first day
of private practice with such an upbeat attitude.
Frasier: Yes, I'm like an eager school boy on his first day of
fractions. So, how was the Van Laningdams' party last night?
Weren't you lucky to snare an invitation?
Niles: Yes!
Daphne: No!
Niles: No.
Daphne: [rising] Well, I'd better get over to your father's.
Niles: Call me later.
Daphne: I will. Thanks again for my day of beauty.
[She hugs him, then looks contrite.]
Daphne: I'm sorry I snapped at you.
Niles: Did you snap at me? I didn't even notice.
Daphne: That's because you don't listen!
[She leaves and Niles sits back down.]
Frasier: Ah, the mood swings. Takes me back.
[The waiter brings his coffee.]
Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: Well, anyway, in honor of your first day, I want to take you
out to lunch. There's a wonderful Indian restaurant right
across the street from our building.
Frasier: Actually, can we order in from them? You see, I'm booked
except between the hours of 11:45 and 12:30.
Niles: All right. My, that's certainly an ambitious first day.
Frasier: Yes, well, I really want to pack in all I can. That's why
I took the day off from my radio show.
Niles: Well, happy sailing through the choppy waters of the
dysfunctional and the disturbed.
[They raise their coffee cups in salute. Daphne rushes back in.]
Daphne: Optional eyebrow wax? What is that supposed to mean?!
[She rushes out again.]
Frasier: Same to you, Skipper.
Scene 2 - Frasier's Office
[Fade in. Frasier is sitting in his chair. A woman comes in, knocking
on the open door.]
Peggy: Dr. Crane? I'm Peggy. I hope I'm not late.
[N.B. Valerie Mahaffey worked with David Hyde Pierce on the short-lived
NBC series, "The Powers that Be."]
[Frasier gets up to greet her.]
Frasier: Not at all, won't you come in? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane,
please, be seated.
[She sits on the couch and Frasier retakes his seat.]
Frasier: First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts
for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am
to take this first step with you.
Peggy: You know I'm just the temp?
Frasier: Oh, well, I see my first patient is here, if you could just
see her in. Thank you.
Peggy: [rising] Righty-o.
[She goes to the door and motions to the woman in the waiting area.]
Peggy: Go right in.
[The patient comes in and Peggy goes out to her desk.]
Jane: Hello Dr. Crane, I'm Jane Walsh.
Frasier: Hello, Jane. Please, be seated, won't you? I'm Dr. Frasier
Crane.
[They sit.]
Frasier: First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts
for years or just for one day, I can't tell you how excited
I am to take this first step with you.
Jane: Have we met?
Frasier: Ah. I am in the media. So my face is recognizable. But
don't let that inhibit you.
[He grabs a note pad.]
Frasier: Please, what's on your mind?
Jane: Okay, um... Well sometimes I feel this, this kind of sadness
hanging over me.
Frasier: I see. And is this sadness triggered by anything...
Jane: Wait. Did you used to date a woman named Stephanie Walsh?
Frasier: Yes, a few years ago.
Jane: She's my sister. Yeah, I met you at a party once.
Frasier: Oh. Well, then I'm glad that we cleared that up. Now, this
sadness of yours, is it a general...
[He breaks off as Jane chuckles.]
Jane: I'm sorry. I was just remembering something. Uh, yeah, I'm
sad all the time.
Frasier: Yes, well, you are now at a place where you can feel free to
express your...
[He looks a bit perturbed as she snorts.]
Jane: I'm sorry. I was just thinking about something my sister
told me about you.
Frasier: Well, perhaps we should discuss it.
Jane: Okay. Um, you were in bed with my sister and, uh, right in
the middle of things I guess you called her "Milady"?
Frasier: I see.
Jane: I'm sorry.
Frasier: No, no, please. It's important that you feel free to express
yourself to me. Please, go on.
Jane: All right. It became this, like, running joke between me and
my sister. She called me "Milady" and I called her "Milady"
and my mother started doing it and now my aunt has a cat
named "Milady".
[Frasier forces himself to laugh along with her.]
Frasier: This isn't going to work, is it?
Jane: No, I don't think so.
Frasier: Okay.
[They get up.]
Jane: I am so sorry, again.
Frasier: Oh, please, not at all. It's just fine.
[He walks her to the door.]
Frasier: And best of luck conquering that constant sadness.
[Cut to - the waiting room as she laughs and hurries off. Frasier
notices a man (Alex) sitting in one of the chairs.]
Peggy: If you're done, Dr. C, your next patient is here.
Frasier: Already?
Alex: Yeah, that's me.
[He hurries in. Cut to - the office as he sits on the couch.]
Alex: I find it's best to be no later than a half hour early. Saves
a lot of anxiety.
Frasier: [sitting down] First of all, welcome. Whether our journey
together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you
how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Alex: No, this won't work.
[He gets up and rushes to the door.]
Alex: Thanks. Bye.
[Cut to - the waiting room. As he leaves, he bumps into Niles. Cut to
- the office. Niles steps in, Peggy is behind him.]
Peggy: Sir. Sir!
Frasier: That's all right Peggy.
Niles: Goodness. Done with your ten o'clock already?
Frasier: That was my eleven.
[Niles checks his watch, then answers his cell phone when it rings.]
Niles: Hello? Calm down! Calm down! What is it? I was
planning on lunching with Frasier. No, if it's that
urgent, I... I'll see you then.
Frasier: [rising] Oh, dear. What's got Daphne all worked up now?
Niles: It wasn't Daphne. It was Maris.
Frasier: Maris?!
Niles: I haven't spoken to her for months. She says she needs to
see me.
Frasier: About what?
Niles: I don't know. She was hysterical. I haven't heard her this
panicked since her strength gave out halfway through a
revolving door. I have to cancel lunch.
Frasier: Can't you see her after lunch?
[Niles goes to the door.]
Niles: I have patients.
Frasier: Before, then.
[Cut to - the waiting room as Niles comes out.]
Niles: I'm sorry, this just won't work out.
[Peggy stands up and calls after him.]
Peggy: Well you could at least give him a chance. It's his first day!
[Frasier glares at her. Fade out.]
I'M LISTING
Scene 3 - Frasier's Office
[Fade in. Martin comes in with a plant.]
Martin: Excuse me, I'm crazy and I need to see the doctor.
Frasier: Hello, Dad.
[Martin sets the plant down.]
Martin: I brought you this for your office.
Frasier: Thank you. Why don't you have a seat?
[Martin sits on the couch as Frasier bends to the sides to look at his
chair.]
Martin: What you doin' there?
Frasier: Well, I'm just trying to figure out this chair from Stockholm
Design. The instruction booklet alone would account for the
high suicide rate.
[Niles comes in.]
Niles: Hey.
Martin: Oh, hey Niles.
Niles: Hi.
Frasier: Listen, how did things go with Maris?
Martin: Maris?
Niles: She invited me to lunch at Le Toque.
[He sits down beside Martin.]
Niles: She's gotten involved with some Argentine polo player. Turns
out he's a cad and a gold digger, with a violent temper to
boot.
Martin: That's probably what she put in her ad.
[Niles gives him a dark look.]
Frasier: So, Niles, what did you tell her?
Niles: I told her to leave him. And if he causes trouble, get a
restraining order. She's very upset by the whole thing.
Poor thing completely lost her appetite, barely touched her
snail. I'm supposed to be seeing Daphne, she's going to love
this.
Martin: Well, you're not going to tell her, are you?
Niles: Well, I think I have to. Don't I?
Martin: You don't tell your pregnant wife you had lunch with your ex.
Frasier: Yes, I agree with Dad. Normally, I'm a proponent of telling
the truth, but as a man who's dealt with a pregnant spouse,
I say lie, lie until your pants are on fire.
Niles: I see your point, of course, but this isn't just a little fib
to cover up some after-work shoe shopping. This is a big
lie. I'm, I'm just not comfortable with it.
[Peggy steps in.]
Peggy: Dr. Crane? I'm back from lunch. Your next patient is here.
Frasier: Thank you, Peggy. Well, I'd love to stay here and chat, but
duty calls.
[They all get up and Martin and Niles head for the door. As they reach
it, Peggy whispers to them.]
Peggy: If you want to wait, he's usually very quick.
Frasier: Thank you, Peggy.
[Martin and Niles leave. The woman in the waiting room comes to the
door.]
Carol: Hello, Dr. Crane. I'm Carol Dryden.
Frasier: Hi, Carol. Please come in. Won't you sit down?
[She sits on the couch, Frasier closes the door and goes back to his
chair.]
Frasier: Welcome. Whether our journey lasts for several years or just
for a day, I want you to know how excited I am to take this
first step with you. So, what's on your mind?
[He grabs his pad as she starts talking.]
Carol: Uh, I guess I have trouble asserting myself?
Frasier: Uh huh. How so?
Carol: Well, like last week I was supposed to have dinner with some
friends and...
[She breaks off as Frasier's chair slips down on its support piston.
He gives a little laugh, gets up and resets it.]
Frasier: There we are. Please, why don't you go ahead?
Carol: Anyway, I really didn't feel up to dinner, but I'm the kind
of person that hates to disappoint people, and I was the
designated driver as usual...
[As she speaks, Frasier's chair again slips down, this time with a
ratcheting noise.]
Frasier: I'll tell you what, I'm just going to get another chair. And
why don't you keep talking, if you like I can still hear
you.
[He pushes the chair back and goes to the door.]
Carol: So, we go to dinner and my two friends on either side of me are
talking over me like I'm not even there.
[Frasier has propped the door open and grabbed one of the chairs from
the waiting room. However, it's too large to fit through the door, so
he shoves at it as Peggy watches.]
Carol: And then, when dinner arrived, my meal didn't come and no one
even noticed.
[Frasier stops pushing and climbs over the chair.]
Carol: I guess, after a while, that kind of thing gets to you? It's
like people aren't paying attention to me?
[Frasier finally sits down in the chair, still stuck in the doorway.]
Frasier: I can see how that would be very frustrating for you.
Carol: And I'm a good person, but sometimes I just feel like the
whole world is shutting me out.
[Frasier tries to push the chair back out of the door. He puts his
foot up on the frame and shoves the chair over backwards and the door
closes on Carol. Fade out.]
Scene 4 - Cafe Nervosa
[Fade in. Niles is at a table with his cell phone. Daphne walks in
and he puts it down.]
Niles: Oh, there you are. I was just calling to see if you were on
your way.
[He rises to hold her chair.]
Daphne: I used to move faster before I was carrying your child around
in me.
[She sits without kissing him.]
Niles: Why don't I get you a soothing cup of herb tea and then I'll
tell you what an interesting lunch I had today.
[He goes to the counter. His cell phone rings and Daphne answers it.]
Daphne: Hello? Yes, he just stepped away. Who's calling? What
do you want, Maris?
[Niles hears this and gets a look of panic on his face.]
Daphne: It most certainly is my business. He's my husband now, you
leave him alone.
[She slaps the phone shut as Niles comes back with her tea.]
Daphne: That was Maris! She has some nerve calling after all she put
us through. How stupid does she think you are that you'd have
anything more to do with her?
Niles: Right.
Daphne: Cheer me up. Tell me about your interesting lunch. Who was
it with?
[Niles nervously sits down.]
Niles: Frasier.
Daphne: You have lunch with him all the time. Wait a minute, I spoke
to him earlier, he told me he was eating in.
Niles: And that's the interesting part. Because just then Dad showed
up and that clogged ear of his was acting up, so I took him
to the doctor.
Daphne: That's not interesting. And your father told me he was going
to the dog track.
Niles: And that's where it gets interesting, because, after the
doctor we had lunch at the dog track. Let me just go check
on your tea.
[Martin comes in as Niles goes back to the counter.]
Martin: Hey, Daph.
Daphne: Hello, Martin. How are your ears?
Martin: Huh?
Daphne: [louder] How are your ears?!
Niles: Dad, Dad, there you go. [He sets her tea down.] I was just
telling Daphne that I had lunch with you at the dog track.
Martin: Right.
Niles: After the ear doctor.
Martin: Right. And how about that flat tire on the freeway? Niles
helped me change it.
Daphne: All right, now I know you're lying. It all makes sense, now.
First you get me out of the house with that spa, then this
ridiculous story... You're throwing me a surprise baby shower
tonight, aren't you?
Martin: That's it! Yeah. But promise you'll look surprised when you
come in through the door.
[Daphne gets up and hugs Niles.]
Daphne: Oh, Niles, you are the sweetest man alive!
Niles: Well, I should run. The party's tonight and I have one or two
finishing touches to attend to.
[Daphne sits down as he turns away.]
Niles: Come along, Dad.
Martin: Huh?
Niles: Come along.
Martin: Oh, uh, gee, well you know, my ear's really startin' to...
Niles: Get in the car!
[Martin follows him out. Fade out.]
Act 2
Scene 1 - Niles' Apartment
[Fade in. There is a gathering of people, including Roz and Kenny.
Niles comes down the stairs with some brightly wrapped gifts.]
Roz: Hey, Niles. Not a bad party for two hours' notice.
Niles: It's a disaster!
[He puts the gifts on the side table.]
Niles: None of Daphne's friends could make it. I told the caterer I
wanted a maternity motif, he thought I said "fraternity" and
now we have three kegs of beer and a six foot hoagie.
[Kenny comes over.]
Kenny: Great spread, Niles.
[Niles looks confused.]
Kenny: Kenny Daley, Frasier's boss. Roz invited me. Sorry I didn't
bring a present.
Niles: Actually, you did. A baby blanket. You'll find it in the pile
on the table.
Kenny: Great. Oh, by the way, your wife's a peach.
Niles: My wife isn't here yet.
Kenny: Oh, no. Whose stomach did I just rub?
[Over at another table, Martin and Frasier are eating. Roz comes
over.]
Roz: Wow, Frasier, you're really stuffing your pie-hole.
Frasier: Look, I've had a very tough day. I'm entitled to a little
comfort food before my evening appointment.
[His stomach growls loudly.]
Roz: That was pretty.
Martin: Let me give you a tip, son. Tough nights on the force, I
used to eat like that. Trouble was, I'd be sittin' in the
squad car all night, pants diggin' in, stomach makin' unholy
noises. There's only one thing that helps: loosen your belt
and pop the top button.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad, for schooling me in the ancient ways.
[There is a sound of the door being unlocked, Daphne's mom jumps up
from the couch.]
Gertrude: Oh, here she comes.
[Everyone gets ready as Daphne comes in.]
Everyone: Surprise!
Daphne: My God, what a surprise. I've never been so surprised! Oh,
thank you, Niles.
[They hug.]
Daphne: All these people who mean so much to us. Mom and Frasier and
[gesturing to Kenny] you... And our doorman.
[She closes the door and speaks aside to Niles.]
Daphne: Doesn't he work with Frasier, that man at the big sandwich?
Niles: Well, once word got out, who was I to say "No"?
Daphne: I don't see many of my friends yet. Will Holly be coming?
Margaret or Tina?
Niles: Well, I had to make the cut off somewhere. Excuse me darling.
[He rushes to the kitchen, grabbing and dragging Martin along. Cut to
- the kitchen as they burst in. Niles begins gasping in a panic
attack. Martin hands him a pastry sack to breath into.]
Martin: Calm down, Niles.
Niles: I can't! I'm telling her another lie every time I open my
mouth!
Martin: Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It's called "marriage"!
[Niles continues hyperventilating into the bag. Cut to - the living
room as Frasier opens the door to reveal a young man.]
Esteban: Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Yes.
Esteban: I'm Esteban de Rojo. I'm the lover of your ex-wife Maris.
Frasier: You've made a mistake.
Esteban: No, you have.
[He punches Frasier in the eye, sending him staggering as everyone
gasps.]
Daphne: What did you do that for?
Esteban: This ex-husband had lunch with my Maris today. He gave her
fool's advice and she was a fool to follow it!
[He turns and storms out.]
Roz: Are you all right?
[Roz hurries to Frasier, then rushes past to follow Esteban. Niles and
Martin come in from the kitchen, Daphne goes over to her husband.]
Daphne: Niles, did you have lunch with Maris today?
Niles: Yes, I was just about to tell...
Daphne: So you weren't planning my shower at all? This whole party
was just a sham?
Niles: I'm so sorry.
Daphne: Not as sorry as I am.
[She turns away and grabs her purse.]
Niles: Daphne, Daphne, wait. There's...
Daphne: I don't want to hear it. I've never been so humiliated in my
life.
[She stalks across the room.]
Doorman: Allow me.
[He opens the door and she stomps out. He closes it behind her while
Frasier tries to look around through his rapidly blackening eye. Fade
out.]
Scene 2 - Frasier's Office
[Fade in. Frasier is sitting, nursing his eye. Peggy comes in.]
Peggy: Dr. Crane, your appointment is here. Is your eye okay? It's
kind of twitching.
Frasier: Well, just a little unfortunate accident. Please, send her
in.
[Peggy ushers a young woman in and closes the door on her way out.
Frasier rises to shake her hand.]
Shannon: Hi.
Frasier: Hello.
Shannon: I'm Shannon Palmer.
Frasier: Hello, Shannon. Please, won't you be seated. I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
[She sits on the couch and Frasier retakes his seat.]
Frasier: Uh, first of all, welcome. Whether our journey together
lasts for years or only just a day, I can't tell you how
excited I am to take this first step with you.
[Frasier's eye has twitched on the word "excited", looking like a sly
wink.]
Shannon: Okay. Um, geez, this is a little hard to talk about...
[Frasier grabs his pad and pen.]
Frasier: Well, just relax. You know, many of my patients find it
easier to open up if they're lying down.
[He twitches/winks again.]
Shannon: Um, okay.
[She lays down on the couch.]
Shannon: Well, I guess I have problems with men. No matter what they
say, all they really seem to want is sex.
[Frasier's stomach growls, Shannon looks nervously at him.]
Shannon: It's hard, because I want to be loved for who I am, of
course, but if who I am is an attractive woman...
[Frasier's stomach growls again.]
Shannon: What was that?
Frasier: It must be the air conditioning or something. [twitch/wink]
Please continue.
[She looks dubious but goes on. Frasier turns in his chair to adjust
his belt.]
Shannon: It's at the point now, I meet a perfectly nice man and I
don't trust him.
[The phone rings.]
Frasier: The machine will get it.
[There is a click as the answering machine kicks in and a woman's voice
comes from the speaker.]
Stephanie: This is Stephanie Walsh. Remember, "Milady"? Sorry about
my sister. You're not the first guy to do something weird
in bed...
[Frasier jumps up and grabs the phone, ripping it loose and dropping
it to the floor. As he pulls back, his pants fall down and Shannon
gasps.]
Frasier: I'm so sorry.
[He notices his pants.]
Frasier: Oh, good lord!
[He bends a bit, then stumbles and falls on top of Shannon who lets out
a small scream.]
Shannon: What the hell?!
[She pulls away and gets up. Frasier clumsily gets to his feet and
pulls up his pants.]
Frasier: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Shannon: What is wrong with you?!
Frasier: It's not my fault! It's just a trick I learned from my dad!
[Shannon, disgusted, pulls the door open and makes her escape. Peggy
comes in as Frasier finishes with his pants.]
Peggy: You certainly know how to keep 'em movin'! Anyways, if you
could sign my time card, I'll be going. Although, if you
haven't hired anyone permanent, yet...
Frasier: Well, Peggy, I'm afraid I won't really be needing anyone
permanent.
[He takes her card and sits down to sign it.]
Frasier: I'm starting to think this return to private practice was a
big mistake.
Peggy: Everyone's first day is a little rough. Well, except mine,
I didn't even have to do any billing.
[She laughs as he rises and hands her card back.]
Peggy: Nice meeting you.
Frasier: Nice meeting you, too.
[They shake hands. She winks back at his twitching eye, then leaves,
a flattered smile on her face. Frasier collapses onto his couch. A
man knocks on the door and steps in.]
Brad: Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Yes.
Brad: Uh, I was your three o'clock that cancelled. I got cold
feet. I was hoping maybe you could squeeze me in.
Frasier: [rising] Oh, well uh, I was just about to put this day out
of its misery, but please come in.
[He closes the door behind him and shakes Frasier's hand.]
Brad: Thanks. I'm Brad Kincaid. That's not my real name.
Frasier: I'll just get it off your insurance form. Why don't you have
a seat, Brad.
[They sit.]
Frasier: First of all, welcome. Whether this journey...well, forget
it. Uh, what's troubling you?
Brad: Well, I just went through a messy divorce, and my kid's in
another city. I came here to begin a new career, but it's
not happening for me and I'm thinking maybe I made a big
mistake.
Frasier: You know, Brad, sometimes things take a little longer to turn
in our favor than we think they should.
Brad: How long?
Frasier: That depends. Tell me more, I'm listening.
Brad: Okay. Well, I've been here about six months now, and...
[Frasier settles in as he continues to talk. Fade out.]
DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA
Scene 3 - Niles' Apartment
[Fade in. Niles is straightening up and listening to the radio.
Daphne comes in.]
Niles: Daphne, I am so sorry.
[She hugs him.]
Daphne: It's all right. Well, not completely, but I'm not as mad as
I was. I just don't understand why you couldn't tell me you
were having lunch with Maris.
[They sit on the couch.]
Niles: I was going to, but you were just so upset when she called.
I didn't know how you'd react.
Daphne: I suppose I have been a little bit difficult lately, haven't
I?
[Niles sits frozen for a moment.]
Niles: There's just no good answer to that.
Daphne: I'm too tired to talk about this right now. All I want is a
nice cup of tea and a warm bed.
[They get up and head to the kitchen.]
Niles: Coming up. One last word: I tell you Maris will never come
between us again.
[As they go into the kitchen, the music on the radio ends and the
announcer comes on.]
Announcer: ...by Dvorak under the baton of Sir Adrian Adler. And
now the headlines. Police have just arrested Seattle
socialite Maris Crane for the murder of her lover,
Argentine polo star Esteban de Rojo. De Rojo was killed
this evening at Mrs. Crane's...
[Fade out.]