THE WEST WING
"SWISS DIPLOMACY"
WRITTEN BY: ELI ATTIE & KEVIN FALLS
DIRECTED BY: CHRISTOPHER MISIANO
TEASER
FADE IN: EXT. PORTICO - DAY
Bartlet is on his way to the Oval Office. Leo and C.J. follows closely behind.
C.J.
Mr. President, how do you interpret the margin of victory?
BARTLET
Well, the votes have been counted and the people have spoken, and it's clear that
their will is for me to be able to do and have anything I want.
C.J.
Mr. President, Arnold White, Associated Press: What's the first legislative priority
for your second term?
BARTLET
There's a new guy from AP?
C.J.
Yeah, what's your legislative priority?
BARTLET
Well the President of Turkmenistan just officially extended the date of adolescence
to twenty-five. So, things like that.
The Marine opens the door for them as they go inside THE OVAL OFFICE.
LEO
I think he also renamed the month of January after himself.
BARTLET
That's just greedy. Real power is knowing when to leave a little something on
the table.
C.J.
Sir, what legislative...
BARTLE
Patients' Bill of Rights, prescription drugs, keeping the economy growing, find a
surplus again, keep the surplus growing, use the surplus to build schools worthy of
defending the military that Fitz and Hutchinson are gonna build to fight urban wars
then pay the teachers some money.
Bartlet, Leo and C.J. continue walking to the OUTER OVAL OFFICE.
C.J.
Okay, sir. I asked you for a legislative priority, you gave me nine.
BARTLET
It's a big country, Arnold. Debbie! Where the hell, first of all, are you and where
are my...
Debbie comes running in from the Portico.
DEBBIE
You left your glasses in the mansion... and the Ipswich clams in Chesapeake Bay can
hear you bellowing right now.
BARTLET
Ipswich clams don't come from Chesapeake Bay, they come from Ipswich!
DEBBIE
Not anymore.
They leave Debbie and continue to the HALLWAY. Toby meets and walks with them.
BARTLET
Have her beheaded for my birthday!
TOBY
Good morning, sir.
BARTLET
Good morning.
TOBY
They'll ask you how you feel about housing starts going down.
BARTLET
I don't care.
C.J.
Sir...
BARTLET
As long as I'm keeping this one.
C.J.
GDP growth is strong.
BARTLET
You bet your ass it is. Which, by the way, I can pat anytime I want now. The voters
have spoken. Lowest inflation in twenty years. Housing starts are cyclical, which is
the thing. [to Leo] What do you got?
LEO
There's going to be a lot of flooding in Missouri.
BARTLET
FEMA's on the ground?
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
All right.
LEO
I've got the Swiss Ambassador in my office, I don't know why.
C.J. and Toby fades back. Leo and Bartlet stop.
LEO
Sir, you and I enjoy your funny jokes, but Idaho, you know, not so much. You'll take
it easy in there?
BARTLET
I know my people.
LEO
Yeah, sometimes it's hard to believe I'm one of 'em. Good luck.
BARTLET
Thank you.
Bartlet walks into the Press Room. We follow Leo back into his OUTER OFFICE.
Margaret is on the phone.
MARGARET
Ambassador Von Rutte.
LEO
Okay.
AMBASSADOR VON RUTTE stands wait in LEO'S OFFICE when Leo enters.
AMBASSADOR VON RUTTE
Thank you for seeing me without an appointment.
LEO
What's going on?
VON RUTTE
A communication fron Tehran. You understand our mission is the only one...
LEO
The President appreciates it.
VON RUTTE
The Ayatollah's son has a congenital heart condition: Eisenmenger's Syndrome. His best
chance is a simultaneous heart and lung transplant.
LEO
They asked Japan?
VON RUTTE
Their procedure's different. They want yours.
LEO
What's wrong with Japan's?
VON RUTTE
Well, I don't know how to, um... No one's...
LEO
It hasn't been successful?
VON RUTTE
No.
LEO
Not once?
VON RUTTE
No.
LEO
Okay, then ours is better. Anybody else do this?
VON RUTTE
Just the U.S. and Japan.
LEO
No, Japan doesn't do it yet. Coming close doesn't matter on this. It's not the Gemini
missions. I'm gonna talk to the President, Chris, but if it means bumping an American
off the donor lists...
VON RUTTE
Iran has a donor.
LEO
A donor or a dissenter?
VON RUTTE
This is form Doctors Without Borders.
LEO
It wasn't directly from the Ayatollah?
VON RUTTE
They were approached by the Ayatollah's brother-in-law.
LEO
This is coming through you, through an NGO, through the brother-in-law? Guy's gonna
put his son's life in the hands of the infidels but he'll keep his distance, huh?
VON RUTTE
The hardliners control the Majlis. Things are difficult for him with the Shehab
missile tests. He cannot have a problem with his right flank.
LEO
No, much better that we should have a problem with ours. I'll talk to him.
VON RUTTE
The President?
Leo looks at the TV next to him. It's airing Bartlet's press conference.
BARTLET
[on TV] Don't get me wrong, Mark. I think January's a good month...
LEO
Yeah, the President, Generalissimo... whatever he comes back as.
SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *
ACT ONE
FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY
Donna follows Josh inside. Toby enters through another door.
JOSH
Messages.
DONNA
Goodwin at AP.
JOSH
What else?
DONNA
Judy Vanderbass, who's the wife of Ambassador... our ambassador to Vietnam. You've
been to her house for dinner.
JOSH
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I ate a Springer Spaniel. Why is AP on my phone sheet?
TOBY
'Cause Triplehorn told him you are the reason there won't be a deal in prescription
drugs.
Donna quietly exits.
JOSH
I'm the reason?
TOBY
[reads from a note] "...with Lyman negotiating..." Yeah.
JOSH
I'm starting to feel ill-will toward the minority leader.
TOBY
And I've had it up to here with the Welsh.
JOSH
I'm not kidding. He was campaining with us, like, a half hour ago.
TOBY
School's back. Go see him.
JOSH
Let's call tht plan "A". Plan "B" is you go see him.
TOBY
Karen Kroft.
JOSH
And National Parks screws me up again.
TOBY
Yeah.
Toby leaves and Josh goes into his BULLPEN AREA.
JOSH
[to Donna] I'm going to head up to the Leaders Office. See if you can get me the
first three minutes he has.
DONNA
And Judy Vanderbass?
JOSH
Let's do this: find out what her problem is, solve it and then, I don't know, do
something else.
DONNA
You're the reason there are term limits.
JOSH
Yeah? You're the reason... [beat] Nothing, nothing's happening, nothing's there.
CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATION'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
KAREN KROFT is waiting inside. Toby leads her into his OFFICE. He shuts the door.
TOBY
You seem fine.
KAREN KROFT
I am.
TOBY
You really seem fine.
KAREN
I really am.
TOBY
Good.
KAREN
The view from the canvas, it's educational, you know?
TOBY
Yeah, I've had extensive education. What was the final... margin?
KAREN
127 votes.
TOBY
A hundred and twenty-seven.
KAREN
That's about twelve lawn signs.
TOBY
Wasn't your last election also...?
KAREN
82 votes.
TOBY
The President says all you need is one, the rest are for ego.
KAREN
Uh-huh, and how many did the President win by?
TOBY
About three and a half million.
KAREN
Yeah.
TOBY
He's got a pretty healthy ego, though.
KAREN
I don't know, maybe the job wasn't for me. I like land, I like dirt... I like things
that live on land and dirt.
TOBY
I like hotels. I like a good concierge.
KAREN
Could you be a little more sympathetic? I'm a loser.
TOBY
Not a big one.
KAREN
Okay.
TOBY
The President thinks there's a place for you.
KAREN
That's nice of you guys. It really is... but I was think about... I don't know, I was
thinking about trying out for a job with the National Park Service.
TOBY
Huh. We were thinking the same thing.
KAREN
A job with the National Park Service?
TOBY
Yeah.
KAREN
As what?
TOBY
The Director of the National Parks Service.
KAREN
Are you kidding me?
TOBY
No.
KAREN
You're not kidding?
TOBY
No.
KAREN
Is this just because...
TOBY
Do you want it?
KAREN
Yes. Yes!
TOBY
Then get yourself a big hat and Leo's gonna call you in couple of hours.
Toby leaves Karen in his office.
CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
C.J. and Carol walk side by side.
CAROL
Susan, Karnow and Duffy are the first three for tea.
C.J.
Okay.
Toby comes out of the Communications Office.
TOBY
All's well that ends well.
C.J.
Karen Kroft?
TOBY
Yes.
C.J.
National Parks Chairman?
TOBY
Yes.
C.J.
Nice.
TOBY
She was very happy.
C.J.
I think Andy's about to get sued for election fraud.
TOBY
Andy was trying to get sued for election fraud.
C.J.
Really?
TOBY
Yeah, she's a pistol.
Toby walks off while C.J. and Carol go into THE PRESS ROOM.
C.J.
Before I forget, Susan, Karnow and Duffy, are the first three for tea with the
President at 3:00 P.M. in the Map Room. Susan, Karnow and Duffy. Next week it's
Mark, Leslie and Eric.
MARK
Who's running Sam's campaign?
C.J.
Sam's putting his team together and I'm going to start referring those questions to
the campaigns press office. Let's start with John then Katie.
CUT TO: EXT. ORANGE COUNTY MUNICIPAL BUILDING - DAY
Sam, Will, Elsie and several other staffers are exiting the building, where reporters
are waiting.
REPORTER
Mr. Seaborn, how does it fell to have the nomintion?
SAM
There is no nomination. There's a primary, and if someone gets 50% of the vote,
there's no general.
REPORTER
But there are no Democrats running and the Party's endorsing you.
SAM
Yes.
REPORTER
So, wouldn't you say you're the nominee?
SAM
I supposed you'd have to, yes.
REPORTER 2
Have you staffed the key positions yet?
SAM
I'm going to let Will Bailey answer those questions.
WILL
Yeah, the Campaign Manager is Scott Holcomb, Finance Manager is Betsy Wadkins, and
Communications Director is Mark Sterns...
SAM
Excuse me for a second. [to Will] Can I talk to you?
WILL
Yes, sir. Political Director is Tom Baker, and the Volunteer Coordinator is Paula
Montgomery.
SAM
Over here, please.
WILL
[to reporters] Thank you.
Sam takes Will to the side. Elsie follows behind.
SAM
Hi.
WILL
Hi.
SAM
Scott's campaign manager?
WILL
Yes.
SAM
What's your title?
WILL
Citizen Bailey.
SAM
I'm not kidding.
WILL
I'm the Chancellor of Germany.
SAM
Will...
WILL
Not the Chancellor per se...
SAM
What the hell is going on?
ELSIE
Yeah.
WILL
Your team's in the field.
SAM
What are you talking about?
ELSIE
Yeah, Will.
WILL
Okay, you and I had this conversation for two hours yesterday. What are you doing?
ELSIE
I don't think you should go.
WILL
You made that clear yesterday.
ELSIE
And I'm doing this now.
SAM
Will...
WILL
Listen to me. There are too many chiefs around here.
SAM
Well, I'll get rid of some of them.
WILL
No, you want them. Scott Holcomb and Betsy, these guys are the best. We just went from
435 House races to one. You get the all-star team.
ELSIE
He doesn't want the best, he wants you.
WILL
Yes, but the Republicans are starting their starters, so you got to match up.
SAM
We match up fine, and that you got him into this.
WILL
Well, you got you into this. But I owe you the best possible chance to win, and I owe
that to Mr. Wilde.
ELSIE
That's ridiculous. Tell him that's ridiculous.
WILL
I took the race to show the DNC that no district should be ignored.
SAM
What are you gonna do?
WILL
I'm going to stick around here for a week and help and thank some people and then I'm
going to take a vacation.
SAM
Where?
WILL
I don't know-- France, Italy, Wales... maybe EPCOT.
SAM
All right. All right, I got to head back to Washington. I'll see you day after tomorrow.
WILL
Have a good flight.
SAM
Thank you.
ELSIE
Have a good flight, Sam.
SAM
Thank you.
Sam walks to his car.
ELSIE
EPCOT?
WILL
I was kidding.
ELSIE
Ah, didn't know.
WILL
Yeah.
CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Bartlet is at his desk writing letters when Charlie comes and sits in a chair next to
his desk.
CHARLIE
Sir?
BARTLET
Yeah? It's called penmanship, Watson. Something your generation wouldn't know about
because of the computers. How many of these things am I doing?
CHARLIE
Sixty.
BARTLET
How many have I done?
CHARLIE
Three.
BARTLET
Three?
CHARLIE
Yeah, this is what I'm talking about.
BARTLET
Your system's slowing me down.
CHARLIE
I don't have a system.
BARTLET
You're kidding.
Leo enters from the Portico.
LEO
You ready?
BARTLET
Hey, can't we have color coding and stickers priority list? Can I get a little
bureaucracy going here?
LEO
What are you doing?
BARTLET
I'm doing basically what the President does. Ask people for things, then thank them
for things. Let's go. [to Charlie] Take the calls to the mansion. I'll meet you there
after this.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY - DAY
Bartlet and Leo have reached the basement. They keep walking.
BARTLET
We had a couple of cats when the kids were kids named Mr. Finch and Ms. Wilburforce or
something-- I can't remember-- but...
LEO
You know, I've never really liked human names for animals.
BARTLET
Really?
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
Okay, well, I can't believe my kids didn't think to ask you what to name the cats.
But they used to bring mice into the house and show 'em to me.
LEO
Yeah?
BARTLET
This is how I'm starting to feel about the Swiss.
LEO
Yeah.
They enter THE SITUATION ROOM.
BARTLET
Good morning.
ALL
Good morning, sir. Good morning, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Tell me about the boy.
MAN 1
He and a guardian have crossed the border into Kandahar. A U.N. cargo plane is on
the ground.
MAN 2
It's gonna leave at 11:45 Zulu, if you say okay.
BARTLET
11:45?
MAN 2
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
That's eleven minutes from now.
MAN 2
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
This meeting's a little premature, isn't it? We should wait ten minutes.
MAN 2
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
This meeting doesn't go in the Sit Room anymore, okay? I don't know why the hell it's
here. This isn't a military operation.
LEO
It's a secure room.
BARTLET
My office is a secure room, too, isn't it? Please, somebody tell me it is, or I gotta
go pack some stuff. You see my point?
LEO
What about the organs?
WOMAN
The organs are in Zurich.
Bartlet suddenly laughs.
BARTLET
I'm sorry, that sounded funny to me. I'm the kid in bio who laughed all the time.
WOMAN
Then onto Paris on Swissair.
BARTLET
Coach?
WOMAN
I don't...
LEO
Then New York?
WOMAN
Yes, sir.
LEO
So the heart and lungs get here first.
WOMAN
They can last about 40 hours; the flight from Tehran's about 15.
MAN 3
Now what's left is to line up a doctor and get the funding.
LEO
Go around the room.
MAN 4
If it leaks, you've got the clerics.
LEO
But it sends a message to the reformists.
MAN 1
Thank you, at a time when they're breaking 70% in local elections.
MAN 4
If you're looking for ways to temper support to the Shi'ites, I don't recommend...
MAN 1
A benevolent power must make sure...
MAN 4
Please, this is not the time....
MAN 2
Let's not forget about the Shehab program and whats-his-name and the transport corridors
along the Silk Route.
BARTLET
How old is he?
MAN 2
I'm sorry?
BARTLET
How old is he?
MAN 2
Fifteen.
BARTLET
Fifteen. The Shiites, Manny, that's what you want me to take back to my thoracic-surgeon
wife? Get this boy in preop. Somebody tell the Swiss to stop standing in the damn
doorway with a mouse in their mouth. If they're coming in, come in.
MAN 1
You won't regret it, sir. It won't leak.
BARTLET
No, 'cause we're all in a secure room except for the Ayatollah's staff, a Swissair
pilot, and four hundred other people.
LEO
Manny, is this gonna leak?
MAN 2
Well...
LEO
Well, I feel better already.
Everyone stands as Leo and Bartlet go back out to the BASEMENT HALLWAY.
BARTLET
Mr. Finch and Mrs. Wilberforce. There's nothing wrong with my memory. Though those
are stupid names, and there's something wrong with my kids.
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *
ACT TWO
FADE IN: INT. LARGE BUILDING - DAY
Josh waits in the middle of a large lobby area. SENATOR TRIPLEHORN walks out from
a hallway. He walks with Josh.
TRIPLEHORN
Come on, Josh.
JOSH
You know, the Senate's out of session. You ought to think about putting a Ping-Pong
table out here.
TRIPLEHORN
I don't think that would be such a good idea.
JOSH
A couple of quick rounds between cloture motions.
TRIPLEHORN
Just because the Senate's not in session...
JOSH
I'm kidding Senator.
TRIPLEHORN
You'd be surprised what people think.
JOSH
Just from reading the AP wire.
TRIPLEHORN
I think you know what that's about.
JOSH
Yeah, you're running for President.
TRIPLEHORN
We hold elections in this country not coronations.
JOSH
I'm not saying any different.
TRIPLEHORN
Then why does every... I've must've-- I've talked to two dozen of your precint captains
in Iowa and New Hampshire. Nearly everyone of them's locked up.
JOSH
They're locked...? You're recruiting precint captains 48 months before the next election?
TRIPLEHORN
John Hoynes is using the White House to lock up the Democratic primaries.
JOSH
If you're saying there's a full-blown nomination fight...
TRIPLEHORN
Hoynes doesn't inherit this. I'm not going to see the party dragged to the middle.
JOSH
Nothing's being dragged anywhere. You were with us just days ago.
TRIPLEHORN
This is about the future of the party.
JOSH
Yeah, how about we enjoy the present for a few hours?
TRIPLEHORN
You agree with Hoynes on guns? On trade? On school choice?
JOSH
Look, Hoynes is... Did I just fall asleep for three and half years?
TRIPLEHORN
Do you think a minority leader is irrelevant? Do you think I can't affect the
President's agenda?
JOSH
I know you can.
TRIPLEHORN
I'd like you to be for me, Josh. Not because you're good at what you do, because of
your beliefs.
JOSH
Okay, I'm not for anyone. I barely unpacked from the last campaign.
TRIPLEHORN
Well. Hoynes is going to have to release those precinct captains or we're, uh...
JOSH
It keeps getting earlier, doesn't it?
TRIPLEHORN
Yes.
CUT TO: INT. THE WEST WING, HALLWAY - DAY
Leo and Margaret walk.
MARGARET
And they're asking for you in the HHS meeting and the 5:15's new.
LEO
The CEA?
MARGARET
That's ways to fight a possible recession.
LEO
What did we say?
MARGARET
Don't say recession in this building.
LEO
You just did it again!
MARGARET
What am I suppose to call the meeting?
LEO
The robust economy meeting.
Margaret stays by her desk when Leo enters his OFFICE. Toby is waiting inside. They
walk back out to the HALLWAY.
TOBY
Josh is patching it up with Triplehorn. And Karen Kroft wants National Parks.
LEO
She can't have it.
TOBY
What are you talking about?
LEO
She can't.
TOBY
We talked about it in the appointments meeting.
LEO
The President signed the parks bill. The job just became Senate-confirmable.
TOBY
Yeah, that was for next fiscal year.
LEO
Turns out it's retroactive. I just saw the final language.
TOBY
Who's idea? How did we miss this?
LEO
There are 90 amendments in the bill.
TOBY
Maybe we put her up anyway.
LEO
No.
TOBY
We asked her to do it.
LEO
She led the charge for a higher gas tax.
TOBY
We asked her to do it.
LEO
I understand, but the U.S. Senate isn't going to, plus the minority leader is already
pissed at us.
TOBY
Okay. Thanks.
Leo walks off before Toby enters the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE.
TOBY
Ginger!
He turns around and bumps into Ginger, who is behind him.
GINGER
Yeah.
TOBY
Don't. Would you... I need a list of sub-cabinets vacancies that aren't Senate-
confirmable.
GINGER
Mine's not.
TOBY
A little less sub-cabinet that that.
He walks into his office and closes the door.
CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Charlie stands watch as Bartlet ends a meeting.
BARTLET
No kidding, you want to crash a space probe into Neptune. That's fine with me. I think
we've crashed into most of the planets but $2.5 billion, okay?
AIDE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
If we're going to fail, I want to do it on budget.
AIDE
Thank you, Mr. President.
The aides quietly exit as Bartlet goes behind his desk. C.J. enters and waits.
CHARLIE
More thank-you notes?
BARTLET
You know what? Why don't you tell Debbie we're going to do some calls?
CHARLIE
Calls.
BARTLET
Yes, calls. Calls. Mr. Sarcasm, with your dry... "Calls." I was this close to renaming
one of the oceans after you but no way. Maybe... maybe, one of the species of fish,
like trout. [to C.J.] "Trout" is now 'charlie.' Went up to the lake, pulled out a
couple of nice charlie for dinner.
CHARLIE
Anything else, sir?
BARTLET
Look at the size of that charlie you've got mounted on your wall!
CHARLIE
Thank you, sir. [exits]
BARTLET
What have you got?
C.J.
Yeah, we've got a situation.
BARTLET
Yeah?
C.J.
Rueters has the Ayatollah's son youngest son just left Afghanistan on a C-130. Is he
coming here for a heart transplant?
BARTLET
Heart and lung.
C.J.
I'm assuming we knew about this.
BARTLET
Knew about it? We did it.
C.J.
The Ayatollah's issued a statement.
BARTLET
What kind?
C.J.
Denouncing it. Bitterly denouncing it, sir. "Our nation can take care of its own.
Interfernce from the West is an affront to Islam."
Bartlet picks up a book, slams it on his desk then walks out to the portico. After a
few seconds, he walks back into the Oval Office.
BARTLET
What's the room saying?
C.J.
They think we're hiding Leo's meeting with the Swiss. So, you know, the press coffee...
BARTLET
Can't do it now.
C.J.
Yes. You're right.
Leo walks in from his office.
LEO
[to C.J.] I need you to step out just a moment.
C.J.
Sure. Thank you, Mr. President.
BARTLET
We're not going to not do it. I'm saying just now.
C.J.
I'm with you.
Bartlet and Leo wait for C.J. to leave and close the door.
BARTLET
Hi. Before you say anything, here's my idea: the kid needs lungs and a heart. Let's
use the Ayatollah's. What are you smiling at?
LEO
I'm sorry, it's... I'm sorry, sir. It's the little note Margaret passed on. [gives
him the note]
BARTLET
"The Iranians, they've taken to the streets." Perfect. That goes to the Margaret Museum.
LEO
Please don't forget all politics are local.
BARTLET
Ah, bite me.
LEO
He's got to say something...
BARTLET
Please.
LEO
He's got to say something to his hard-liners.
BARTLET
He didn't want to try, "My son is dying and these guys maybe can fix him? And maybe
if our citizens didn't spend quite so much energy denouncing the infidels, they'd have
time to build a damn medical school!"
LEO
The Swiss talked to the NGO who talked to the brother-in-law who speaks for the ayatollah.
BARTLET
Okay, but just tell me they weren't using cellular technology, 'cause I don't care what
anybody says, it doesn't work yet.
LEO
Think about linking it to the missile test.
BARTLET
What do you mean?
LEO
Send a communiqué through the Swiss. The Ayatollah's got to honor Bahrain. Stop all
tests of the Shehab-3.
BARTLET
He's going to say no.
LEO
Then that's when you tell him you're going to turn the plane around.
BARTLET
No.
LEO
I said you threaten to turn the plane around.
BARTLET
No. Come on! That's a fifteen-year-old non-combatant on his way to a hospital. I want
you to pretend that plane's got a big red cross on it.
LEO
They perfect medium-range missiles.
BARTLET
I understand.
LEO
What's that do for hearts and lungs?
BARTLET
Send the communiqué, absolutely. There's a Bahrain Agreement that says... send it.
Tell them to stop. Don't even come close... I don't even want a scent of linkage to
it. A big damn red cross right on that plane.
CUT TO: EXT. THE WEST WING - DAY
Josh is seen arriving at the West Wing.
CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Josh enters the building where he meets Donna. They walk.
JOSH
I have this problem I'm trying to put in prospective.
DONNA
What's the problem?
JOSH
Triplehorn thinks I'm a secret operative for Hoynes.
DONNA
Are you?
JOSH
I don't believe I am.
DONNA
This ought to help.
JOSH
What?
DONNA
Judy Vanderbass didn't invite you to dinner.
JOSH
Thank merciful God.
DONNA
Turns out Trish Rackley, wife of your protegee, she had a problem on the CoDel to
Southeast Asia.
They reach JOSH'S OFFICE.
JOSH
The rice?
DONNA
No, really, the whole continent loves the stereotype.
JOSH
They eat a lot of rice, Donna.
JOSH
Mrs. Rackley borrowed $1500 from Judy Vanderbass to buy a hand-carved teak bed frame
for $2000, which is a good price.
JOSH
And?
DONNA
Mrs. Rackley's checked bounce.
JOSH
Making it a great price.
DONNA
The Rackleys are stiffing her, Josh.
JOSH
What do you mean, "Josh"?
They walk out to JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA.
DONNA
You put him on the delegation.
JOSH
And I told the State Department to look after him. I didn't want him to get in any trouble.
DONNA
Job well done. Phil Rackley's office won't return her calls.
JOSH
See if they'll return yours.
Josh leaves Donna at her desk and walks over to the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. He meets
Toby as he exits the office.
JOSH
Toby. Triplehorn's on fire.
TOBY
He needs to build a case against our...
JOSH
Hoynes is lining up precinct captains in Iowa and New Hampshire.
TOBY
This is like ten minute after the polls close in California.
JOSH
And Winnick just called. It's probably the same thing. Half the Senate's going to be
running. If it looks like we're giving Hoynes the keys...
TOBY
Yeah. We got to back him off.
They walk in THE ROOSEVELT ROOM.
JOSH
Okay, devil's advocate. Isn't Hoynes entitled?
TOBY
Yeah, but not yet.
JOSH
We got him on the ticket by convincing him it's not his turn. We kept him out of the
center ring 'cause it wasn't his turn, and now...
TOBY
There aren't any turns.
Toby leaves Josh in the room.
FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *
ACT THREE
FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY
Leo is reading the newspaper when Toby walks in.
TOBY
Hey.
LEO
So... these two people rob a Starbucks near Seattle; half an hour they serve coffee to
make more money. Know when they make their getaway?
TOBY
When business slows down.
LEO
Beat that. When's Josh meeting with Hoynes?
TOBY
Soon.
LEO
What do you need?
TOBY
Alternate Federal Co-Chair of the Apalachian Regional Commision.
LEO
What about it?
TOBY
It's Senate-confirmable.
LEO
Really?
TOBY
So is Commissioner of Hopi Indian Relocation.
LEO
Let me tell you something about this job, you need a deep bench.
TOBY
Inspector General of the Railroad Retirement Board. Director of the Institute of
Museum Studies...
LEO
My job's not.
TOBY
Ginger beat you to that joke, and Karen lost her job because of us.
LEO
What do you want me to do?
TOBY
Start getting used to the fact that we won in a landslide. We can show some fight
on this.
LEO
Ernest went down for the gun ban, Janice for taxes...
TOBY
This is different. We asked her to introduce the bill.
LEO
And she knew that. It's called a trial balloon.
TOBY
Yeah, but it's also called a recorded vote. She did that kind of thing for us. She was
our gal on the back bench.
LEO
She did everything short of pouring lighter fluid on the Republican leadership. They're
not going to confirm her. They're going to make us look bad doing it and we still got a
half a new Cabinet to confirm.
There's a knock on the door, and Margaret enters.
MARGARET
They're starting.
LEO
Thanks. [to Toby] The Hopi relocation guy?
TOBY
Yeah.
Leo walks into THE OVAL OFFICE. Bartlet is standing with LANEY and an aide.
BARTLET
Laney says the plane's still six hours out.
LANEY
With a headwind that could buy us another hour. The problem is...
LEO
What?
WOMAN AIDE
We don't have a doctor.
LEO
What are you talking about?
BARTLET
What are you talking about?
LANEY
There are three who can do this. Jorrey, who's in the middle of a heart-valve
replacement, and Weingarten.
BARTLET
Where's he?
LANEY
Rappelling the north face of K2.
LEO
Rapelling up or repelling down?
BARTLET
It's in Pakistan, what does it matter?
LEO
It's not in Pakistan; you only think it is.
BARTLET
Okay, but if I need a life-saving procedure, can you make sure the surgeon's suffering
from massive oxygen deprivation?
LEO
Who's the third?
LANEY
Dr. Essan Mohebi at Smith-Lansing.
BARTLET
Aw, don't tell me.
LANEY
Yeah, he fled Iran in 1980 after fundamentalists tortured and killed his father.
BARTLET
The one guy who can save his son and he tortured his father. That's just bad staff work.
Charlie! Are we sure about Japan? I mean, one of these days they're going to find the
fairway, right?
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Would you pull the First Lady out of whatever she's in right now?
CHARLIE
She's with the Women's Caucus.
BARTLET
Well, put on a helmet and pads and get in there.
LEO
Make sure Mohebi's sitting by a phone. He takes an elevator, we know the number.
BARTLET
That's it.
LANEY
Thank you, Mr. President.
WOMAN AIDE
Yes, sir.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY
JOSH
The National Committee's got a list of the State Party conventions where we ask the
Vice President to take our slot. Could you get that for me?
DONNA
Yeah.
JOSH
And the DPC sent me this list of his budget roll-outs and it's for last year. I need
all four.
DONNA
Okay.
JOSH
What?
DONNA
The deadbeat Rackley's...
JOSH
I can't...
DONNA
Come on.
JOSH
You just called them deadbeat.
DONNA
For the sake of humor.
JOSH
Well, good one, Gracie.
DONNA
Who hasn't bounced a check?
JOSH
Me.
DONNA
Yes, Mr. I-Balance-My-Checkbook-Every-Month-and-Pay-My-Bills-On-Time-and-Don't-Ever-
Bounce-Checks.
JOSH
Everything you just said in there was a good thing and just by saying it like Ethel
Mertz doesn't make it...
DONNA
Do you even know what a Congressman makes?
They walk to JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA.
JOSH
A buck and a half, $161,200 for the leadership.
DONNA
To maintain two residences, fly your kids...
JOSH
Okay... I know you like to hit with me but you've got to go sit in the back of the class
'cause you just suggested that making only a $150,000 was reasonable justification for
committing a felony. Which is what it is, Lulu.
DONNA
Who the hell is Lulu?
JOSH
[as he walks off] It's To Sir With Love.
DONNA
Thank you.
CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - DAY
Abbey and her aide are inside.
ABBEY
I'm just gonna need the lists.
BOBBY
I have the lists.
ABBEY
I know, that's why I'm asking you for them.
BOBBY
Did you want them?
ABBEY
Yes...
BOBBY
I'm sorry, we're talking about the lists?
ABBEY
And your having them and my wanting them.
BOBBY
Yes, Ma'am.
Bartlet stops at the door as Bobby exits.
BARTLET
Hey, Terry.
BOBBY
Bobby, sir.
BARTLET
Yeah.
Bartlet enters and closes the door.
ABBEY
You pulled me out of the Womens' Caucus.
BARTLET
No need to thank me. Whatever happened to Mrs. Wilburforce?
ABBEY
She moved to Miami and took up massage.
BARTLET
Really?
ABBEY
Last I heard.
BARTLET
What they hell are you talking about?
ABBEY
You're the one who asked me...
BARTLET
Wasn't Mrs. Wilberforce our cat?
ABBEY
She was our housekeeper.
BARTLET
Really? All right. Eisenmenger's Syndrome.
ABBEY
It's a cyanotic heart condition. There's something called ventricular- septal defect...
BARTLET
The Ayatollah's son has it.
ABBEY
Am I dreaming, or are you talking to me about foreign policy? You're not worried the
sky's gonna fall down?
BARTLET
No, but I'm concerned about spousal abuse.
ABBEY
What's the problem, Jed? Don't tell me there's a problem with State...
BARTLET
The only doctor available won't do it.
ABBEY
He's Jewish?
BARTLET
Persian.
ABBEY
He doesn't have a choice.
BARTLET
Abbey...
ABBEY
He doesn't. Doctors aren't instruments of the state, and they're not allowed to choose
patients on spec.
BARTLET
I can't order him to do it.
ABBEY
Yes, you can.
BARTLET
Through the power vested in me by you?
ABBEY
Samuel Mudd set Booth's leg after he shot Lincoln. Doctors are liable in this country
if they don't treat the patient right in front of them.
BARTLET
Just for the record, this is why we don't talk about foreign policy. Which we do, and
you don't think we do it enough.
ABBEY
Why?
BARTLET
Because Samuel Mudd was tried and convicted of treason for setting that leg.
ABBEY
So?
BARTLET
What 'so'?
ABBEY
So that's the way it goes. You set the leg.
BARTLET
The patient right in front of them?
ABBEY
Yes.
BARTLET
All right. Go back to the sewing thing.
ABBEY
It's the Women's... nevermind.
CUT TO: INT. HOYNES' OFFICE - DAY
The Vice President leads Josh inside.
HOYNES
I couldn't tell you the last time I took a whole week away, Josh. You ought to take a
vacation yourself.
JOSH
Yeah, I don't get Hawaii. Great weather, great beaches, universal health care... I'm
waiting for the other shoe to drop.
HOYNES
You remember Neil Spencer, the Rep from Honolulu who helped us on the ag bill?
JOSH
Sure.
HOYNES
He spent all his time tanning on the Capitol balcony.
JOSH
Because if he went home without a tan...
HOYNES
They'd know he'd gone to Washington.
JOSH
We got to talk politics.
HOYNES
I'd like to. I'm glad we had that little talk on Air Force Two. I think from time to
time...
JOSH
We need you to stop shopping for precinct captains.
HOYNES
Excuse me?
JOSH
We're days after an election, we've got to govern. It's too early...
HOYNES
Is that what this is all about?
JOSH
Triplehorn alone can tie us in knots.
HOYNES
Well, good for Triplehorn. I've got an obligation to myself here.
JOSH
You've got a Constitutional obligation, that comes first.
HOYNES
Last time I checked, my Constitutional obligation was to have a pulse.
JOSH
We need these two years. It's our last chance to govern, John...
HOYNES
Mr. Vice President.
JOSH
There are going to be lots of ways...
HOYNES
No zealot like a convert, Josh.
JOSH
What's that supposed to mean?
HOYNES
It means you'd have been great at Leo's job.
JOSH
Half this town's going to be runnung. I do the President's politics. He can't govern
if I'm seen as...
HOYNES
Being for me? I don't think there's much risk of that.
He opens the door for Josh to exit.
HOYNES
You were wrong. I never went to Hawaii.
JOSH
What?
HOYNES
We skipped Hawaii. We went rafting on the Flathead River instead.
FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *
ACT FOUR
FADE IN: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Debbie is typing at her computer while DR. ESSAN MOHEBI stands in the office waiting.
The doctor reaches to touch something.
DEBBIE
[without looking] Uh-uh. Don't touch that. Or that.
Bartlet enters, and Debbie hands him a note.
BARTLET
"The boy's on the plane. He's experiencing pulmonary hypertension." That's elevated
pressure in the lungs, I think. That could lead to what? Doctor, that could lead to what?
DR. ESSAN MOHEBI
I'm sorry, I...
BARTLET
That cold lead to what?
MOHEBI
Sudden heart failure.
BARTLET
That's what it says here. Follow me.
Bartlet goes in THE OVAL OFFICE. Dr. Mohebi glances at Debbie before following him.
BARTLET [cont]
His right ventricular pressure has risen to 102 mm Mercury.
MOHEBI
Low-oxygen blood's beginning to bypass the lungs.
BARTLET
That's right, and he has something called in situ thrombi.
MOHEBI
His arteries have lost their coagulant properties and Mr. President, I resent this.
BARTLET
Dr. Mohebi, I don't care. Why aren't you scrubbing up?
MOHEBI
People are taken from their homes in the dead of night, and jailed and tortured for
months at a time.
BARTLET
I know.
MOHEBI
Public executions...
BARTLET
Doctor...
MOHEBI
Political opponents dragged outside state borders...
BARTLET
I know this. Don't you think I know?
MOHEBI
I won't aid the enemy.
BARTLET
I'll let you know who the enemy is. That's my job. It's not a 15-year-old boy.
MOHEBI
How do I know these organs were donated voluntarily?
BARTLET
Doctors Without Borders.
MOHEBI
You don't know these people, Mr. President.
BARTLET
I do know these people. You're crazy if you don't think I do.
MOHEBI
And I don't need to be told who the enemy is.
BARTLET
Doctor...
MOHEBI
It's not your family that's still there. My family's there. If the procedure isn't
successful...
BARTLET
Nothing will happen to them.
MOHEBI
Sir...
BARTLET
Nothing will happen to them.
MOHEBI
Who's making that guarantee?
BARTLET
Well, the Swiss, I guess. Look, I'll use every power of the office to protect you and
your family, of course I will. Can I just say that this is how things change for the
better? A world-class surgeon or a schoolteacher in Afjah who questions the ayatollah's
divine power. Do me a favor, Doctor, go back to Smith-Lansing and look at the kid,
'cause I think when you do, you're going to scrub up. If you don't, I respect that,
and the man made his own bed. Okay?
MOHEBI
Yeah.
BARTLET
What was your father's name?
MOHEBI
Raji.
BARTLET
What'd he teach?
MOHEBI
Science.
BARTLET
Thank you. Get him to Baltimore.
CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY
Josh is sitting across Leo.
LEO
You think cell phones, maybe?
JOSH
Not whitewater rafting. And staff can't make those calls. They're top-tier Iowa people,
and New Hampshire. Forty, fifty calls from the Flathead River?
LEO
That really doesn't seem possible. Unless...
JOSH
That's what I'm saying.
LEO
All right. I'll take it.
MARGARET
CEQ.
JOSH
What do I tell Triplehorn?
LEO
Tell him it's done.
CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Toby and Karen Kroft are sitting at a table having drinks.
KAREN
You sure?
TOBY
Thank you, no. I...
KAREN
They're playing the Eagles. We're talking 50-yard line. Toby...
TOBY
You can't have the job.
KAREN
Okay.
TOBY
The parks bill... we made it Senate-confirmable.
KAREN
This is the first I've heard...
TOBY
They added it in conference. We'll find something. I don't know what.
KAREN
You don't have to do that.
TOBY
Can't be Museum Studies. God forbid the Senate falls out of the mix on that.
KAREN
I've made a lot of enemies on the Hill. You don't owe me.
TOBY
We asked you to fight a losing... Yes, we owe you.
KAREN
This is... when the President calls a play...
TOBY
I called the play. I called it.
KAREN
Rasing the gas tax.
TOBY
It was a loser and I pushed to have you introduce it anyway.
KAREN
That doesn't make any difference.
TOBY
Well, look, let's just...
KAREN
I came out for a gas tax 'cause someone from Michigan had to. Gas prices are too low.
It's why the air is polluted. It's why no one wants alternative fuels.
TOBY
And, clearly, that argument took the nation by storm.
KAREN
In my religion... the whole symbol of the religion ended in crucifixion and condemnation.
That wasn't the measure of the experience. It's just the way it ended.
TOBY
Yeah, but I'm the Romans.
KAREN
It's in the living. It's in the campaigning that you make your mark. Sometimes you win,
and sometimes you lose. You have until the end of the day on the tickets, by the way.
CUT TO: INT. NORTHWEST LOBBY - NIGHT
Sam enters the building and Bonnie walks up to greet him. They walk.
BONNIE
Welcome back.
SAM
Thank you.
BONNIE
And congratulations.
SAM
Okay. Do you happen to know if the President's still in the office?
BONNIE
He is.
SAM
Thanks.
Sam walks into his OFFICE and takes off his coat. He looks around, then he walks off.
CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Bartlet is sitting at his desk writing, when his pen runs out of ink. He rummages
through his drawers then gets up from his desk when there is a knock at the door.
NANCY
Mr. President. Can you see Sam?
BARTLET
Sure.
SAM
[entering] Good evening, sir.
BARTLET
You're the nominee.
SAM
There's no nominee. Everyone's on the ballot.
BARTLET
Is there another Democrat?
SAM
No.
BARTLET
You're the nominee.
SAM
Yeah.
BARTLET
And I know how you feel. You like Scott Holcomb?
SAM
I don't know him well.
BARTLET
He's terrific.
SAM
There's a good guy out there named Will Bailey if he should come across your radar.
BARTLET
You're going to campaign on prescription drugs?
SAM
Our prescription drug bill-- yes, sir-- and our Medicare reforms and the Bartlet
Energy Plan.
BARTLET
Sam.
SAM
Yes, sir?
BARTLET
It's okay to run away from me when you need to.
SAM
I would never, Mr. President. I simply would never do that. That's not how I'm getting
votes.
BARTLET
I appreciate that but that's not what I'm talking about. You disagreed with me on
Medicare. I remember the meeting right here. Then you wrote a five-page memo. Run
towards yourself. I'm wrong about that. Walk. You're not going to be used to your
surroundings.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
You lose, you lose, but if you waste this, I'll kill you. I'll just kill you, Sam.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Anything else?
SAM
Thank you, Mr. President.
Sam exits. Bartlet goes back to writing the letters when Leo knocks and enters from
his office.
LEO
Good evening, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Hey.
LEO
Thank-you notes?
BARTLET
Yeah. I'm going to bed.
LEO
You don't really like making thank-you calls, do you?
BARTLET
Spill it.
LEO
How many precinct captians did you line up for Hoynes?
BARTLET
I didn't line up...
LEO
Forty-seven. Charlie showed me the call sheets.
BARTLET
I said thanks on the behalf of the ticket. I can't help it if...
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
They'll thank whatever they want.
LEO
Well, they think you're freezing the race for Hoynes.
BARTLET
I'm freezing it for us. We just won four more years. It's not time for a free-for-all.
LEO
This shouldn't be what you do anymore.
BARTLET
Do I call them all back?
LEO
We'll take care of it.
BARTLET
All right.
LEO
Tehran's going to accelerate medium-range missile tests by two weeks.
BARTLET
Yeah.
LEO
We'll gather the NSC principles in the morning.
BARTLET
All right. Anything else?
LEO
Salmon Afkham was wheeled in surgery 15 minutes ago.
BARTLET
Well, Mohebi's day just started.
LEO
Well, I suppose there are worse ways for ours to end.
BARTLET
Yeah, that's right.
Bartlet leaves the Oval Office. We watch him walk down the PORTICO to the residence.
DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *
The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.
Episode 4.09 -- "Swiss Diplomacy"
Original Air Date: November 20, 2002, 9:00 PM EST
Transcribed by: ck1czar
December 9, 2002