THE WEST WING
"GUNS NOT BUTTER"
WRITTEN BY: ELI ATTIE & KEVIN FALLS & AARON SORKIN
DIRECTED BY: BILL D'ELIA
TEASER
FADE IN: INT. REPUBLICAN CLOAKROOM - DAY
Josh enters with Jane Cleery and a staffer.
JOSH
Three years I've worked in the Senate, four years in the White House, this is my
first time in the Republican cloakroom.
SENATOR'S STAFFER
What do you think?
JOSH
You guys use the same decorator as we do.
STAFFER
Damn it, Josh, I decorated the room.
JOSH
Hey, was Benjamin Harrison banned from here?
STAFFER
By Senate resolution 'cause he was lobbying too much. And Warren Harding's mistress
was impregnated here.
JOSH
Prompting another resolution?
STAFFER
No.
JOSH
Is there any chance that Nearing is soft? Is there anything that makes her vote yea?
STAFFER
No.
JOSH
You sure?
STAFFER
Yeah. Look...
JOSH
What about Herman Morton?
JANE CLEERY
You'd have to rewrite the education bill.
JOSH
It's 50-50, Jane. Hoynes has a sleeping bag in there. We need to, you and I...
JANE
The Senator's voting no.
JOSH
Which Senator?
JANE
The one we work for.
JOSH
What the hell...?
STAFFER
A Liberty Foundation poll...
JOSH
Wait, wait, wait a second...
JANE
Listen, a Liberty Foundation poll's about to come out...
JOSH
A poll!?
JANE
68% say we spend too much on foreign aid. 59% want foreign aid cut.
JOSH
What the hell do I care? These people are responding to...
JANE
Come on. They're responding to being overtaxed and then having that money sent to
Burundi instead of the school their kids go to.
JOSH
Now you're for more education funding?
JANE
That's not the point.
JOSH
Of course foreign aid polls badly. The people it's helping aren't the ones answering
the phone.
JANE
Or paying the taxes, or voting.
JOSH
The Senator just reached this conclusion when the Libery Foundation--
JANE
No, he's never liked it, and you know that and the poll gives him cover with the
New York Times people.
JOSH
When you say the New York Times people, you're not talking about the people the who
work there, are you?
JANE
No, look...
JOSH
You mean "people who can read?"
A buzzer sound is heard.
STAFFER
It's a quorum call.
JOSH
I understand what it is.
STAFFER
Come on, Josh.
JOSH
I think this is crap. I think your boss has known about this poll for awhile and he's
embarassing the President at the eleventh hour because he spent too much time with his
arm around the other guy.
JANE
We begged you to keep the President out of Colorado.
JOSH
On the first vote out of the box.
JANE
Bartlet had Colorado from the convention.
JOSH
President Bartlet.
JANE
You're one vote down on foreign aid.
Josh turns around and walks out the door.
SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *
ACT ONE
FADE IN: INT. FLIGHT STAIRS - DAY
Bartlet, Charlie, C.J. and several others staffers are walking down a long flight
of stairs.
BARTLET
It's the curse of every daughter's father.
CHARLIE
Boyfriends?
BARTLET
I don't like them. I don't like them at all.
CHARLIE
Yes, I know sir.
BARTLET
What the hell happened with you two? It was perfect. I just kept you in the office
all the time.
CHARLIE
Well, she was unhappy that I was at the office all the time.
BARTLET
That was the point. If I was trying to make her happy, I'd buy her a Cabriolet.
C.J.
Sir?
BARTLET
C-Jean. Stable economies with free-flowing uranium don't make for a stable world
community. Did I make that point?
C.J.
Absolutely.
BARTLET
Good. And is there a cow on my schedule today?
C.J.
It's called Heifer International. Don't worry about it.
BARTLET
[to Charlie] I'm meeting with a cow. I shouldn't worry about it.
C.J.
It's a photo-op with a cow, sir. It's not a sit-down.
BARTLET
I like your sass.
C.J.
You got a very nice sass, yourself... sir.
BARTLET
What, are you touring?
C.J.
I could.
AGENT
Eagle's in daylight.
BARTLET
[to Charlie] Am I right on time?
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
CUT TO: EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS
They exit the building where the limos are waiting. There is a large crowd of
spectators. Bartlet goes to shake there hands.
BARTLET
How you doing? Good to see you. Great. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Someone hands Bartlet a book, which he passes to Charlie and continues to shake hands.
BARTLET
Thank you. Thank you. Good to see you. How are you? How are you?
A woman is waving a blue envelope, trying to hand it to Charlie.
HISPANIC WOMAN
Please, please, look at that.
CHARLIE
You can hand it directly to the President, if you'd like.
HISPANIC WOMAN
I'm not looking for an autograph.
CHARLIE
Yes, ma'am.
Charlie takes the letter and adds it to the pile. Bartlet continues to shake hands.
C.J. is standing by the limos, as her phone goes off.
C.J.
Yeah.
JOSH
We're a vote down.
C.J.
What happened?
JOSH
Colorado happened.
C.J.
Charlie.
BARTLET
[still shaking hands] How are you today?
CHARLIE
Mr. President, you have to go, sir.
C.J.
[to Josh] Okay, we're coming back.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY
Josh hangs up the phone.
DONNA
This is a push poll.
JOSH
68% think we spend too much on foreign aid. 59% think it should be cut.
DONNA
I think this is a push poll.
JOSH
Respondants estimate foreign aid to be 15% of the federal budget. It's one percent
of the federal budget. Or it was a half hour ago.
DONNA
Listen to this question: "The money that goes into foreign aid could be used to
reduce the tax burden here at home. Do you support such a shift of funds?" That's
not a push poll?
JOSH
Come here. I lose this vote... I'm resigning.
They walk past the LOBBY to THE ROOSEVELT ROOM.
LARRY
Will they postpone again?
JOSH
They won't do it. Not after two continuing resolutions. This expires at midnight.
ED
I'm sorry, but is that our problem?
JOSH
It massively is, yes.
LEO
What about Grace Hardin?
JOSH
Yeah, I though of her. Can she say no to the President?
ED
She will.
LARRY
She will. She's publicly against it. Local politics.
ED
Foreign aid in Georgia.
JOSH
I say she's a Democrat, she owes the President, and there is nothing wrong with
Georgia New England can't fix.
LEO
If it's no, it's got to be a fast no.
JOSH
It's not going to be no. Put the senior senator from Colorado in the nay column.
Move Grace Hardin to undecided and start the clock.
Larry reaches over to a large digital clock on the table and presses a button.
It begins to countdown from 14:20:00.
JOSH
I hate that clock.
Josh exits to the HALLWAY, where he meets Will.
WILL
Excuse me, Josh.
JOSH
Yeah, you're Bill Bailey, right?
WILL
Will Bailey, yeah.
JOSH
I'm surprised we haven't met.
WILL
You're pretty busy.
JOSH
We talked on the phone.
WILL
Yeah. You now, you get a pretty good aerobic workout talking to someone in this
building.
JOSH
I've heard the jokes. What do you need?
WILL
Uh, well, I'm working with Toby Ziegler on the Inauguration...
JOSH
Bill, I know who you are. What do you need?
WILL
Okay, well, it's Will and I'm in a legislative section talking about bipartisan
cooperation and because it was legislative, Toby wanted you involved.
JOSH
Boy, did you pick the wrong day to write about bipartisan cooperation.
WILL
If there's a better time...
JOSH
68% of respondants think we hand out too much in foreign aid, 59% think it should
be cut.
WILL
Were you talking to me just then?
JOSH
Read me what you got so far.
WILL
"The people, in their enduring wisdom, have put in office a Chief Executive of one
party and a Congress of another. It's our duty to respect and enact..."
JOSH
Strike "in their enduring wisdom." You think electing a reactionary Congress and a
progressive President was wise? The people, in a fog of uncertainty, unsure of the
difference, split tickets across the country.
WILL
Well, I agree, but I think Toby would say that lacks poetry.
JOSH
68% say we hand out too much, 59% want to see it cut.
WILL
You know, there's plenty of work I can do in the meantime. I'll find you later.
They depart. Josh continues to his BULLPEN AREA and his OFFICE.
DONNA
Hey, Ted.
WILL
Will.
DONNA
Okay.
JOSH
I need Senator Hardin.
DONNA
Leo's office called over, and we're on it.
JOSH
Good.
DONNA
Are you going to try Cantina?
JOSH
I'm going to try everybody. But Cantina's never voted to send any money anywhere.
I think he's against airmail stamps.
DONNA
What about McKenna?
JOSH
He needs Republican votes on broadband access.
DONNA
And you think you're going to have luck with Grace Hardin?
JOSH
She's a freshman Democrat. She can't say no to the President if he asks her.
DONNA
Have you seen how foreign aid polls in Georgia?
JOSH
There's a hockey coach who's got a player who's squandering his potential. Coach
says, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" Player says, "I don't know and I don't
care." Yeah, I've seen how foreign aid polls in Georgia. Gracie might be a little
tough to get to the phone today.
DONNA
We've been here before.
JOSH
Tell me about it.
DONNA
You had two different strategies that were shouted down. You can't take the fall
for this.
JOSH
My job is to execute the plays Leo calls. The rest doesn't matter.
DONNA
Were you serious before... about resigning?
JOSH
Are we looking for Hardin?!
DONNA
They're on it.
CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Charlie is sorting through mail, handing an intern named Stacey various stacks of
envelopes. Jean-Paul is standing around waiting.
CHARLIE
This pile goes to Personal Correspondence for special handling. These go to Main
Correspondence.
JEAN-PAUL
So, Charlie, uh... What you do is you sort the mail for Zoey's father.
CHARLIE
Yeah, I guess.
JEAN-PAUL
And you don't like me very much because I'm with Zoey.
CHARLIE
Jean Paul, I'm kind of working here.
JEAN-PAUL
Oh, I understand.
CHARLIE
Thank you.
JEAN-PAUL
And there's a great deal of mail to sort.
CHARLIE
Also classified intelligience cables to prioritize. And a meeting to break up
between a President and a king, so... Stacey?
STACEY
Yeah?
CHARLIE
That big blue envelope. Where's it going?
STACEY
General Correspondence. It was a servicewoman talking about food stamps.
CHARLIE
She was in the service?
STACEY
You know her?
CHARLIE
No. Okay. No, you know what? Leave it here. Let me read it.
JEAN-PAUL
Huh...
CUT TO: INT. PRESS BREIFING ROOM - DAY
REPORTER JOHN
Will the White House try to delay the vote?
C.J.
Like I said before, the continuing resolution expires at midnight. If Congress
doesn't act, there is no foreign aid budget.
REPORTER KATIE
What's the President's reaction to Mosley saying we're throwing money at problem
halfway around the world?
C.J.
The President wishes the Republican Leader would throw some money at problems
right here, but doesn't wish to help the United States retreat from its role as
a world leader. Foreign aid's been cut 50% in the last decade. In percentage of
GNP spent, we rank not toward the bottom; we are the bottom, dead last. Mark.
REPORTER MARK
Was it a bad idea to make the first bill out of the second term such a
controversial one?
C.J.
The President doesn't beleive that for something this important, something like
that should be taken into consideration. Steve?
REPORTER STEVE
A Democratic senator says that if this goes down it'll stall momentum on the rest--
C.J.
We're not responding to a blind quote; we're just assuming you made it up.
The reporters laugh.
C.J.
I'm not kidding. Thank you.
REPORTERS
Thank you.
C.J.
Danny... come back to the office for a second?
CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY- CONTINUOUS
C.J. and Danny walk.
DANNY
Hey, off the record, what did the President say about Mosley's "halfway around
the world"?
C.J.
He said, "Lord God, what a tool".
DANNY
That's what I figured.
C.J.
I'm a senior adminstration official. You can say several senior administration
officials say the White House will have a good memory when the transportation bill
comes up next year.
DANNY
You don't mind blind quotes so much when they're from you.
C.J.
No.
DANNY
Okay, so...
C.J.
Yes?
DANNY
I'll walk your threat around for you, but...
C.J.
Yes?
DANNY
The pilot.
C.J.
Danny...
They reach C.J.'S OFFICE.
DANNY
The pilot on Shareef's Gulfstream?
C.J.
What do you think it is I'm going to say?
DANNY
His was named Jamil Bari, and the first thing you want to do is, you want to find out
if Jamil Bari had any history of pilot error to see if that may have contributed to
the crash. So my new assistant, Maisy, she found out that Jamil Bari got a certificate
of qualification on the Gulfstream in 1994.
C.J.
Was that it?
DANNY
Yeah, that's it. That's all I've been able to find out so far. 'Cause we've been
checking aviation schools, and we haven't been unable to find him. There are a lot
of aviation schools, but we're going to check 'em all.
C.J.
And sooner or later, you'll find him.
DANNY
Sure.
C.J.
You know, I got to tell you, your tie goes with your shirt, and your jacket... you're
dating a college graduate, aren't you?
DANNY
Maisy ain't never gonna find him, C.J. Jamil Bari is an invented identity for someone.
It has to be. For this thing to have worked, the pilot had to be one of our guys.
C.J.
Yeah, I just meant it was a nice tie.
DANNY
I'll be around all day for the vote.
C.J.
Okay.
Danny exits.
C.J.
What's up there, Gail.
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *
ACT TWO
FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY
DONNA
Somebody's talking to the Dirksen's office?
STAFFER JAY
They say she's at the campaign office.
STAFFER KELLY
Campaign office says she's at her district office.
DONNA
Her district office is in Atlanta.
STAFFER TAMMY
That's where they say she is.
DONNA
And the district office?
JAY
Says she's on he way back here for the vote.
DONNA
It's a commercial flight?
JOSH
[entering from the lobby] An hour and half, we can't find a U.S. Senator.
DONNA
She doesn't want the call.
JOSH
No kidding.
DONNA
Atlanta says she's on her way back here. When she lands, she'll disappear till the vote.
JOSH
Donna, your job is to take this, find her and stick it in her hand. Make big plays today.
Josh hands Donna a cellphone and walks off.
KELLY
Donna, Delta flight 15 lands in National in 35 minutes.
Donna grabs her purse and coat and runs out the door.
CUT TO: INT.
Bartlet is standing at a podium delivering a speech on foreign aid.
BARTLET
We live in an interdependent world and we should act like it. We live in a global
community and we should sustain it. We should cross borders. We should cross borders
to build sustainable democracies that can banish privation and fear. And we should
cross borders to bring food and medicine and roads and schools and teachers to parts
of the world forgotten by all but the warlords. We're gonna pass this Foreign Ops
bill. This should be a century of hope and prosperity everywhere. And America is
going to lead the world and not just bully it. Thank you.
The audience stands up and cheers. Bartlet waves then walks offstage.
CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Leo, Zoey, Jean-Paul, Charlie, C.J., Toby and other staffers are in a hallway
waiting for Bartlet to exit the stage.
BARTLET
[to Leo] What the hell is going on?
ZOEY
That was great, dad.
BARTLET
[to Zoey] Hey, thanks, Peach Patch. [to Leo] What the hell is going on?
LEO
Hardin's a yes if we can get her on the phone.
BARTLET
Which is why we can't get her on the phone?
LEO
She's been a little slippery, but this is where Josh eats.
BARTLET
We have many, many backup plans in the works? Josh has broken people into teams and
they're developing and executing rapid-response backup plans?
LEO
Yeah, okay.
Leo turns around and yells back at Toby.
LEO
Toby... we should probably have a backup plan.
BARTLET
Oh, my God.
LEO
A split second of humor injected in the middle of a stressful day, sir. Sounds to me
like we're talking about the act of a friend.
BARTLET
Please, my daughter's dating a kid who's better-looking than my wife. I have only so
much RAM to give over to-- C.J.!
C.J.
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
I'm sorry, but once again, there's a cow?
C.J.
A photo-op with a cow.
BARTLET
Yeah, I got that part. It was...
C.J.
Heifer Internatinal, it's called. They give milking cows to poor families in developing
nations.
BARTLET
And that's great. But a picture of me and a cow...
C.J.
I have my concerns, sir.
BARTLET
Why did you agree to it in the first place?
C.J.
Well, it's an organization worthy of...
BARTLET
Abbey set it up?
C.J.
I'll figure out a way to make the picture work, sir.
BARTLET
Well, good luck with that. Now turn around casually and tell me if Le Vicomte de
Valvert has got his hands anywhere near anyone who's related to me.
C.J.
That is a good-looking young man.
BARTLET
[yelling] Zoey!
ZOEY
I don't respond when you shout.
BARTLET
Yeah, I think you'd respond if I stopped feeding you!
ZOEY
[to Jean-Paul] Ignore him.
JEAN-PAUL
Oh, yes, I do. [to Charlie] This envelope that interests you, it was what?
ZOEY
What envelope?
CHARLIE
A woman on the rope line this morning. She's a private in the Army and her family's
on food stamps.
JEAN-PAUL
An American soldier on food stamps?
CHARLIE
It's a big family.
JEAN-PAUL
And you read this letter as if it was special.
CHARLIE
Well, she handed it right to me.
JEAN-PAUL
And after you read it, you just throw it on the pile with the others.
CHARLIE
Yes.
JEAN-PAUL
So, this woman sees you standing next to Zoey's father and she doesn't know that
you're powerless to help.
CHARLIE
I'm not powerless. I called the DOD and asked them to give special notice to the letter.
BARTLET [OS]
Charlie.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
Charlie walks to catch up with the President but stops to talk to Stacey.
CHARLIE
Get me that blue envelope back. I got to call the DOD.
STACEY
Yeah.
CUT TO: EXT.
The entourage has now reached the motorcade. Bartlet goes to shake hands at the ropeline.
The others get in cars. Someone says something to Toby from behind.
SENATOR JAMES "JIMMY" HOEBUCK
Who writes this hand-holding crap for the President anyhow?
TOBY
Free food and the gentle lady from Tennessee.
JIMMY
The food wasn't free, and is the President really comfortable defining 50 years of
security policy as bullying?
TOBY
I don't think he was talking about the last half-century. Neither do you.
JIMMY
What happened to politics stopping at the water's edge?
TOBY
Hey, food is apolitical.
JIMMY
Not at 10:30 tonight it ain't. And you guys are going to have a bit of a time
getting Gracie Hardin on the phone.
TOBY
Jimmy, you want to tell me something I don't know?
JIMMY
I got a yea vote for you.
TOBY
Whose?
JIMMY
Mine. Can I be in your office in an hour?
TOBY
Can you be there in half an hour?
JIMMY
No.
He turns around and walks off.
TOBY
Okay.
CUT TO: INT. THE WEST WING HALLWAY - DAY
INTERN
Charlie, they phoned ahead and said you wanted this back.
He hands Charlie the blue envelope.
CHARLIE
Yeah. Thanks.
Charlie enters the OUTER OVAL OFFICE. He opens the envelope begins to read, then
dials on the phone.
OPERATOR
[on phone] Good aftenoon, the Pentagon.
CHARLIE
Sergeant Major Moreland, please.
OPERATOR
[on phone] Just a moment.
Charlie takes off his coat and hangs it up.
WOMAN
[on phone] Secretary's office.
CHARLIE
Sergeant Moreland, please. This is Charlie Young from the office of the President.
WOMAN
[on phone] Please hold.
COLONEL WOLF
[on phone] Yes, this is Colonel Wolf.
CHARLIE
Oh, no, sir, I was calling for Sergeant Moreland.
COLONEL WOLF
[on phone] Yes, Mr. Young, how can I help you?
CHARLIE
No, sir, I wouldn't want to impose. I play basketball with Barry Moreland.
COLONEL WOLF
[on phone] Sergeant Moreland works for me, Mr. Young. How can I help the President?
CHARLIE
Well, no it's not... On a rope line this morning, I was handed a letter from an
enlisted woman whose family is eligible for food stamps and I was just wondering
whose eyes I could put it in front of.
COLONEL WOLF
[on phone] Mine. You'll send it today?
CHARLIE
Thank you. Yes, sir.
CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY
Josh is sitting on the table looking at a chart telling what each of the Senators
are voting. The clocking, still counting down, is at: 11:09:31
WILL
Can't find Grace Hardin?
JOSH
We're at the airport, we're at Dirksen, we're at her house, we're at her gym, we're
at her Senate office, we're at her second office, we're at her lawyer's office,
we're at her husband's office.
WILL
I'm sorry, I know you're up against it...
JOSH
The legislative section.
WILL
I cut enduring "wisdom". "The American people have spoken. They have chosen to return
to Washington a President of one party and a Congress of another."
JOSH
You say that like constitutional scholars made a conscious choice, weighing checks
and balances.
WILL
They did make a conscious choice. And in their defense, a lot of people have a hard
time seeing the difference.
JOSH
Are any of those people in this room?
WILL
No.
JOSH
One wants to save Social Security, the other wants to privatize it. One wants to make
polluters pay to clean up pollution, the other wants to give tax breaks so they can
pollute more. One wants to send aid to countries...
WILL
Okay.
JOSH
Yeah.
WILL
Cantina voted no on U.N. dues, no on Kosovo peacekeeping. He's just going to burn time.
JOSH
No kidding.
Will leaves. Toby walks by. Josh calls out to him
JOSH
Toby.
TOBY
Yeah.
JOSH
Hoebuck?
TOBY
He came to me.
JOSH
He authored a bill to insert the word "God" into the Pledge of Allegiance four
more times.
TOBY
Yeah, well, once you've broken that dam, what the hell does it matter?
Toby enters his OFFICE where Senator James "Jimmy" Hoebuck and a woman is waiting.
JIMMY
Here's what I want for my vote tonight.
TOBY
Yeah.
JIMMY
$115,000.
TOBY
Million.
JIMMY
I'm sorry?
TOBY
You said you wanted 115,000. You meant million.
JIMMY
I appreciate Democrats know how to read my mind but I meant 115,000.
TOBY
For what?
JIMMY
I want to pay people to pray.
TOBY
Out of the federal budget?
JIMMY
Yeah.
TOBY
And this woman leads a world-class team of psychiatrist?
JIMMY
Not... not exactly. But you're awfully close. This is Dr. Gwendolyn Chen. She's the
Chief Cardiologist at Duke Medical Center. Have you ever heard of intercessory prayer
or remote prayer?
TOBY
This is where you draw up a list of sinners...
JIMMY
It's when people pray for you even though you're not aware of it.
TOBY
Yeah, C.J. got spammed with that a few months ago.
JIMMY
Was that before or after her agent got shot at a fruit stand?
TOBY
You really want to make a rim shot out of a Secret Service Agent getting dead?
JIMMY
You really want to refer to people's prayers as spam?
TOBY
Dr. Chen, what are you doing here?
JIMMY
Go ahead, please.
DR. GWENDOLYN CHEN
We completed a double-blind placebo-controlled study...
TOBY
This isn't happening.
JIMMY
I'd like to point out that Duke is non-sectarian and Dr. Chen is agnostic.
TOBY
Huh.
JIMMY
A thousand heart-patients in the CCU were split into two groups. Half were prayed
for by volunteersthe other half weren't. And?
DR. CHEN
The patients that were prayed for-- I know it sounds crazy but the patients that
were prayed for-- 11 percent fewer heart attacks and strokes; far fewer complications.
JIMMY
Pacific College of Medicine, Med-American Heart Institute; there are 12 other studies.
TOBY
Any of them published in the New England Journal of Medicine?
JIMMY
$115,000 for a wider study. This one by the NIH.
TOBY
Jimmy...
JIMMY
$115,000 in exchange for a $17 billion foreign aid bill. That's all. Dr. Chen.
He motions for them to leave.
DR. CHEN
It was nice meeting you.
JIMMY
Dr. Chen.
Jimmy and Dr. Chen exit.
CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL BAGGAGE CLAIMS AREA - DAY
Donna enters the baggage claims area. She sees ELLEN, one of Grace Hardin's staffers,
talking to some people and walks over to her.
DONNA
Ellen. Ellen.
ELLEN
Hey, Donna.
DONNA
Where's the Senator?
ELLEN
What do you mean?
DONNA
The district office says she was on Delta 15. She wasn't, or two other flights out
of Atlanta.
ELLEN
She came in this morning.
DONNA
Yeah?
ELLEN
Yeah. We were just cleaning up some things at the home store.
DONNA
I'm tryng to arrange a call to Senator Hardin from the President of the United States.
ELLEN
Well, I'm not sure where the Senator is right now, but as soon as I track her down,
we'll set it up.
DONNA
I appreciate that.
ELLEN
Okay, I'll see you.
DONNA
Thanks.
Donna turns begins to leave when she notices one of the guys Ellen was talking to,
retrieving a box off the luggage belt. She then runs over to a man holding an envelope.
DONNA
Sir, excuse me, my name is Doona. And if you'll look at me, I think you'll know I'm
not going to steal from you or waste your time in any way. Can I borrow that envelope
for just one moment?
BUSINESSMAN
Yeah, it's nothing...
DONNA
Thank you.
She grabs the envelope and walks over to were the guy retrieving the boxes is.
DONNA
Excuse me, is it Rick?
JASON
Jason.
DONNA
Jason, I'm sorry, I'm new. This needs to get to the Senator. Are you going in the
car to Dirksen?
JASON
Well, I'm going to Dirksen, but the Senator's at the Women in Media Luncheon.
DONNA
Right. Stupid, stupid. Thank you.
Donna walks back over to the business and hands him back his envelope.
DONNA
Thank you very much.
FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *
ACT THREE
FADE IN: EXT. THE WEST WING DRIVEWAY - DAY
C.J. and Leo are standing in the driveway looking at a goat.
C.J.
Well, first of all, that's not a cow. It's not! It's a goat. Yeah, I may have agreed
to something about a goat.
LEO
Did the First Lady get you drunk and take you shopping?
C.J.
Leo... yes. The name of the group is Heifer International. I-I... I was under the
impression it was going to be a cow.
LEO
Lending Presidential aura to the photo?
C.J.
Okay. I think what were going to do is, I think we're going to wait until after the
vote at 10:30, 'cause if we don't win, then it would be a mistake for this picture
to run tomorrow.
LEO
How big a mistake?
C.J.
One from which my job certainly would have hung in the balance.
LEO
In the balance?
C.J.
[to goats handler] Goats are heifers, too?
MIKE
I don't know.
LEO
If the President's wearing a hat, or that thing's wearing a Bartlet button, I'm
hiding snakes in your car.
C.J.
Come on, don't say that! Not even to joke!
LEO
You're never gonna know where they are...
C.J.
Leo!
LEO
...or if you got them all out. [to Mike] Excuse me. Gonna lay their eggs right in
the glove compartment.
He walks back into the West Wing.
C.J.
[to Mike] So, this is going to be a while. Can you wait?
MIKE
Well, uh, Ron doesn't do that well in the cold.
C.J.
Are you Ron?
MIKE
I'm Mike.
C.J.
Of course. We'll find an empty room for him.
MIKE
Uh, I have oats in the truck.
C.J.
Well, you should bring the oats, because the Mess closes at six.
C.J. walks back into the West Wing, while Mike goes to get the oats.
CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Charlie is at his desk flipping through papers when Ginger walks in and hands him
an envelope.
GINGER
Hey. This was delivered to my desk, but it's for you. It's a memo your office
ordered from the Pentagon.
CHARLIE
I can't order memos from the Pentagon. I can't order memos from anywhere. And I
don't have an office. I work in the Oval Office.
GINGER
Oh, that may have been the confusion.
CHARLIE
This is about... I just called the deputy's aide and told him to look out for...
Who at the Pentagon thinks I can order a memo?
GINGER
The Secretary of Defense.
CHARLIE
All right... There's been a mistake. You haven't shown this to anyone else, right?
GINGER
No.
CHARLIE
Good.
GINGER
But it's CC'ed to the Joint Chiefs and the Secretary of State.
CHARLIE
Uh-huh. Anyone here?
GINGER
Uh... Yeah. Here it is. POTUS, VPOTUS, Leo McGarry, and you.
CHARLIE
I see.
GINGER
What do you think it says?
CHARLIE
[pulls out the memo and reads] "Revised DoD Offsets and Cost Structure Adjustments for the
Coming Fiscal Year." And every other fiscal year. The table of contents is six pages long!
GINGER
You should read it.
CHARLIE
Yeah.
CUT TO: INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - DAY
Donna is standing waiting in the kitchen, while two chefs are behind her working.
CHEF GIUSEPPE
Donnatella, you want me to fix you up a piece of salmon?
DONNA
No thanks, Giuseppe.
CHEF GIUSEPPE
What about fettucine? Beano's using a new cream.
DONNA
I tried it last week, the technology conference. It's the best. Listen, the dais
still exits through here, right?
CHEF GIUSEPPE
You can go in there, you know and just stand in the back.
SOUS CHEF BEANO
She's trying not to scare somebody. Would you leave the child alone?
CHEF GIUSEPPE
I'm trying to feed her some food.
SOUS CHEF BEANO
22 years in Washington D.C.; he spent all his time in the kitchen. He doesn't know
how the place work.
CHEF GIUSEPPE
Well, maybe I could learn something if I beat you about the head with a sturdy ladle.
There's an applause then Ellen enters the kitchen.
ELLEN
Wow. You know what you are? You're the little aid who could.
DONNA
She wasn't on the dais.
ELLEN
She had to cancel. I read a letter in her absence.
DONNA
Ellen, here's the situation: I've been asked...
Her cellphone rings.
DONNA
Excuse me, it's Josh. [to phone] Yeah? That's great. Who? All right. [to Ellen] We've
got two yes votes, McMichael and Schapp. The Senator can come out of the woods.
[to phone] I'm coming in.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY
Staffer Tammy is seen putting down the phone. Staffers Kelly and Jay are also in the
office looking at each other.
CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE MESS - DAY
Elsie Snuffin and Will are getting up from a table talking.
ELSIE
Here's an Inauguration Day joke about the first Jewish President. His mother leans
over to someone and says "You see that guy with his right hand raised? His brother's
a doctor."
WILL
That's good.
ELSIE
You like it?
WILL
Yeah, if the President's been booked into Haha's in Cleveland.
They walk to the BASEMENT HALLWAY.
ELSIE
I wasn't suggesting it for the speech.
WILL
Then why did you tell it to me?
ELSIE
Sometimes people tell each other jokes.
WILL
It was funny. What do you want from me?
ELSIE
That's exactly the reaction I was hoping to elicit. You've been a great audience.
WILL
Does it bother you that for all the legitimate politician bashing, the voters
themselves are no bargains?
ELSIE
No.
WILL
Why?
ELSIE
'Cause I make a living writing jokes. Not a very good one.
WILL
They think you can have more spending and cut taxes at the same time.
ELSIE
Well, all it takes is two politicians running against each other. Both of them saying
it ain't going to happen, so here's what I'm going to do.
WILL
Is that all it takes?
ELSIE
Listen, when we were kids you would never shut up about the Founders and the Framers
and the Fathers. This is what they wanted.
WILL
I may never have shut up but clearly you weren't listening much 'cause the Founders
were scared to death of the people.
ELSIE
They gave them the guns.
WILL
You know that picture in the main stairway of Dad's father with Churchill?
They finally reach the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE.
ELSIE
Yeah?
WILL
He said the best argument against democracy was five minutes with the average voter.
ELSIE
Grandpa said that?
WILL
Churchill.
ELSIE
'Cause that doesn't sound like Grandpa.
They are now standing in front of WILL'S OFFICE, but his back is to the door.
WILL
Thank you for the coffee.
ELSIE
Willy?
WILL
Don't call me that.
ELSIE
You took the office of a guy who obviously became part of the family. They'll stop
with the bicycles and the Seaborn posters and the cold shoulder.
WILL
Yeah, I'm all right. I'm focused.
ELSIE
Hey, cool goat. When did you get it?
WILL
Professional comedian, Elsie...
He turns around to walk in his office, and he sees the goat.
WILL
Aaaaaah...!
ELSIE
I think it's great the you keep oats in the office... just in case. I think when
these people find out that kind of thing...
WILL
Could you leave me now, I'm focused, please.
ELSIE
Sure.
WILL
Right.
Elsie leaves while Will stands there and admires the goat.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY
Josh is sitting at his desk when Toby enters.
TOBY
Hey... What's going on?
JOSH
Well, Donna tried to flush her out and she did it well, but...
TOBY
What?
JOSH
She named names.
TOBY
Ah...
WILL
So her staff made two phone calls and Hardin dove back under the bed.
TOBY
Well, you were right, Hoebuck's crazy.
JOSH
What did he want?
TOBY
$115,000.
JOSH
Million.
TOBY
No, thousand.
JOSH
For what?
TOBY
It doesn't matter.
JOSH
For what?
TOBY
An NIH study on remote prayer.
JOSH
You're kidding.
TOBY
Actually, he brought a Duke cardiologist who ran a double-blind....
JOSH
$115,000, he votes yes on Foreign Ops?
TOBY
Josh, it's the federal governmemt investing...
JOSH
I don't care if we're investing in communion wafers.
TOBY
Josh, it's the federal governent.
JOSH
We'll deal with the other thing tomorrow.
TOBY
Well, I already dealt with it today.
JOSH
Not yet, and the clock's running. I'm going to Leo.
Josh exits to go to Leo's office. Toby stands there and then leaves.
FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *
ACT FOUR
FADE IN: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Bartlet is sitting down reading the memo that Charlie accidently ordered, while
Charlie stands next to him waiting for his response.
CHARLIE
I had asked an assistant I know to give it special attention. I don't know the woman
or anything. It wasn't patronage. But I was... You know... I was showing off for Zoey.
BARTLET
There are a couple of thousand miltary families on food stamps. I can't stand it;
the Pentagon knows it. Some families are eligible, some aren't. To change it, they'd
have to raise everyone's pay, which they can't do, and this memo's a reminder. It's a
get-off-our-backs memo. And you thought you were done with turf wars.
CHARLIE
Did it cause any damage?
BARTLET
You decommissioned two aircraft carriers.
CHARLIE
Really?
BARTLET
No.
CHARLIE
Thank you, Mr. President. I'll be outside.
BARTLET
Boy, Zoey's growing up nicely, isn't she?
CHARLIE
Yes, she is.
BARTLET
I'm on your side in this thing, but just barely. Just by a little bit, because
he's French and royal. These are very special, very limited circumstances under
which we're allies, you and I.
CHARLIE
Understood, sir.
BARTLET
You still got it?
CHARLIE
Sir?
BARTLET
The letter from the rope line.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Put it in my bag tonight.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
Charlie leaves and there's a knock on the door. Toby, Leo, Josh and C.J. enter.
LEO
Mr. President.
BARTLET
Mr. McGarry, Mr. Ziegler, Mr. Lyman, Ms. Cregg. It's the Tepmtations. I love you guys.
LEO
You only think you've heard everything, but you haven't.
BARTLET
Hit me.
LEO
Toby.
TOBY
James Hoebuck will vote yea 10:30 if we give him $115,000.
BARTLET
Million?
JOSH
Thousand. $115,000.
BARTLET
For an RV? What's he want?
LEO
An NIH study on remote prayer.
BARTLET
I like it. There should a button on my desk I can press and 49 people instantly
pray for me.
C.J.
I got remote prayed for by three million people.
BARTLET
How'd it work out?
C.J.
Good for me. Can't vouch much for what it was they were praying was going to happen.
BARTLET
Well, that's the problem.
JOSH
Excuse me.
BARTLET
Yes.
JOSH
The Earth is rotating rapidly on its axis.
BARTLET
Okay, well, good news. Keep us posted on that.
JOSH
We're moving into 8:00 now, sir.
BARTLET
Is there something I should be doing I'm not doing?
JOSH
We should be talking about Jimmy Hoebuck.
BARTLET
Oh, wait. You guys didn't come in here to tell me something funny?
TOBY
Three of us did.
BARTLET
[pointing at Josh] You... you, are the wildcard, my friend, because you...
JOSH
Sir...
BARTLET
...because you will throw out the baby, the bathwater, and the bubbles at curtain
time if it means...
JOSH
Excuse me, sir...
BARTLET
Feel free to interrupt.
JOSH
Do you think, Mr. President, the people who get this money care about an NIH study?
BARTLET
I don't care if they care! I care! And oh, by the way, so do you!
JOSH
$115,000 is what Commerce spends on Post-Its.
BARTLET
Toby?
TOBY
Threats to civil liberties only ever come a few dollars at a time.
JOSH
It's a medical study. The Nuclear Test Ban Treaty doesn't prohibit radiation therapy.
Sufi Muslims, Orthodox Jews, Indian shamans-- the study says it works with everybody,
so it's not promoting Christianity.
BARTLET
Well, in my faith, we've known it's worked for two thousand years. I never knew there
was data available, but okay.
LEO
Anything else, sir?
BARTLET
No.
ALL
Thank you, Mr. President.
JOSH
Thank you, sir.
They all begin to exit.
BARTLET
Maxine.
C.J.
[to Josh] That's you.
JOSH
I know.
Leo, C.J., and Toby leave.
JOSH
I apologize for interrupting before.
BARTLET
Oh, I don't care. But what I was going to say...
JOSH
[passionately] I'll toss it all overboard if it means winning, and I think that's
not true, and I'd ask you to support that with evidence... I'm sorry. I don't know
why I keep doing that.
BARTLET
You're not willing to toss it overboard to win. You're willing to toss it overboard
to avoid disappointing Leo. You know what the difference is between you and me?
I want to be the guy. You want to be the guy the guy counts on.
JOSH
We lost.
BARTLET
We know.
JOSH
We can introduce another continuing resolution... 90 days?
BARTLET
And work down?
JOSH
75% of current funding maybe.
BARTLET
If we can get it.
JOSH
You understand if we introduce another continuing resolution, about ten Democrats
will jump on as a reason to vote no on this. Means losing 60-40 instead of 51-49.
BARTLET
When I lose, I don't look for consolation in the score and I know for sure you don't.
So, it's what we should do, right?
JOSH
Yeah.
BARTLET
All right, tough beat. It's an unbelievably tough beat.
JOSH
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Hey, Zoey's growing up very nicely, isn't she?
JOSH
Man, I'll say.
Bartlet gives a Josh a disapproving look.
JOSH
You know, I go for kiss-ass today and the ball goes in the gutter.
BARTLET
Anything else?
JOSH
Thank you, Mr. President.
Josh exits.
CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Donna is sitting in a chair waiting for Josh to come out.
DONNA
I said the names.
JOSH
I don't think it mattered. She knows how to count to 51.
DONNA
It would've loosened things up for an hour. I'm sorry.
JOSH
Shake it off. And don't listen to the naysayer. You've got a big future as a stalker.
DONNA
I always felt like I had the makings.
JOSH
I just had an interesting moment. I just recommended to the President that he buy a
yea vote for a $115,000 and the Bill of Rights.
DONNA
Don't you mean a $115 million?
JOSH
Jimmy Hoebuck wanted to fund a study on remote prayer for $115,000.
DONNA
Is it me or is this getting harder?
JOSH
It's getting harder. I'd say we're going to make more enemies in the second term,
but I don't know if there's anybody left on the list.
DONNA
You took funding for remote prayer to the President?
They chuckle.
JOSH
I did it with gusto.
DONNA
That's 'cause you don't know the story of Fishhooks McCarty.
JOSH
Is this a real person or a Donna person?
DONNA
Corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the '20s. Every morning he stopped at
the St. James Church on Oliver Street and said the same prayer, "O Lord, give me
health and strength. We'll steal the rest."
JOSH
Not that there needs to be, but... was there a point?
DONNA
You've got health and strength, both of which, coincidentally, I prayed for after
hot lead was shot into your body.
JOSH
Yeah... You're going to need some Kryptonite, by the way.
DONNA
Okay, settle down.
JOSH
All right.
DONNA
So you've got health and strength.
JOSH
And we'll steal the rest?
DONNA
Bet your ass.
JOSH
All right. Good work tonight.
Josh walks into the HALLWAY where he runs into Will.
WILL
Hi.
JOSH
What's up, Mr. Daley?
WILL
Bailey.
JOSH
Bill Bailey?
WILL
Will Bailey.
JOSH
So, if we're lucky, foreign aid's going to be funded for another 90 days at 75 cents
on the dollar. No one who's ever said they wanted bipartisanship has ever meant it.
But the people are speaking. Because 68% think we give too much in foreign aid, and
59% think it should be cut.
WILL
You like that stat?
JOSH
I do.
WILL
Why?
They reach JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA.
JOSH
Because 9% think it's too high, and shouldn't be cut! 9% of respondents could not fully
get their arms around the question. There should be another box you can check for, "I
have utterly no idea what you're talking about. Please, God, don't ask for my input."
WILL
Why is foreign aid important?
JOSH
It fosters democracy.
WILL
There you go.
JOSH
[in British accent] Well, well played, young man. Very good, yes, yes.
WILL
I don't know if you realized, but for a second there, you changed voices.
JOSH
Someone said, "The best argument against democracy is five minutes with the average
voter."
WILL
Churchill. He also said "Democracy is the worst form of government."
JOSH
See.
WILL
"Except for all the others."
JOSH
I know the end of the quote. I'll work with you on the legislative section. But
after the vote, okay? We'll get some food.
WILL
Yes. Excuse me, please.
Will sees C.J. standing in the LOBBY talking to Carol. Carol walks off as Will
approaches.
WILL
Excuse me.
C.J.
Yes?
WILL
I believe you put a goat in my office, and I just want you to know that I stand here
with full humor and total focus.
C.J. starts walking toward him, so he starts walking backwards towards the COMMUNICATIONS
OFFICE as he talks to her.
WILL
You can fill my office with bicycles, you can cover the windows with "Seaborn for
Congress" posters, you can bring in 101 Dalmatians. I'm focused on what I'm doing.
C.J.
Who are you?
WILL
I'm Will Bailey.
C.J.
C.J. Cregg.
WILL
Very nice to meet you.
C.J.
I didn't put the goat in your office. Someone else must have.
WILL
You didn't?
C.J.
I put it in the office that's being used by a new guy Toby and Josh are trying to
give a hard time to-- Oh, wait...
WILL
You understand I'm working on the Inaugural address, right?
C.J.
How's that going?
WILL
There's bicycles and goats in my office! All right... Any care and feeding I should
know about?
C.J.
The goat has a handler. I'll get it out...
WILL
No! I'll take my hazing like the Eaton valedictorian that I am. What's his name, please?
C.J.
Which one?
WILL
The handler.
C.J.
Mike.
WILL
The goat has a name?
C.J.
Ron.
WILL
Thank you.
C.J. smiles as he walks away then turns around to go in her office.
CUT TO: EXT. CAPITOL BUILDING - NIGHT
PRESIDING OFFICER [VO]
Two minutes till quorum call.
CUT TO: INT.
Donna is sitting down when Ellen walks into the room.
DONNA
Where do you learn to run out the clock like that?
ELLEN
The Senator's voting her conscience, Donna.
DONNA
She understands foreign aid. I've heard her talk about it. She's supposed to do
what's right.
ELLEN
No, she was elected and she's suppose to do what the people think is right.
DONNA
[holding out her cellphone] Will you take this and walk it to her on the floor?
That's all you have to do.
Ellen looks at the phone then takes it from Donna's hand when...
PRESIDING OFFICER [VO]
All time has expired. The yeas and nays have been ordered.
ELLEN
Win some, you lose some.
DONNA
Can I tell you something? Josh has asked me to work Saturdays, work Sundays, and at
least once a week he has me there after 1:00 AM. He's asked me to transpose portions
of the federal budget into base-8, go to North Dakota and dress as an East German
cocktail waitress. In five years of working for him, he's never asked me to hide him
from something. Can I have my boss's phone back?
Donna takes the phone out of Ellen's hand, then walks off.
CUT TO: INT. WEST WING PRESS AREA - NIGHT
C.J. and Danny are having Chinese food while watching the vote on TV.
DANNY
You having that?
C.J.
Yes.
DANNY
All of it?
C.J.
Yes!
DANNY
What about this?
C.J.
Yes!
DANNY
I'm pointing at twenty-three packets of soy sauce!
C.J.
I give them to the homeless.
DANNY
That's helpful.
C.J.
Are you talking through the whole vote?
DANNY
You're going to lose this one 60-40.
C.J.
Danny...
DANNY
Did I ruin the end?
C.J.
Could you even have this much sensitivity? [making a little space with her chopsticks]
DANNY
No.
C.J.
Why?
DANNY
'Cause you blew it.
C.J.
The Senate blew it.
DANNY
You did.
C.J.
We did everything but pass a hat!
DANNY
Nobody wants to put money in a hat in Botswana when you got hats that need filling here.
You can't make this about charity. It's about self-interest. We cut farm assistance in
Colombia. Every single crop we developed was replaced with cocaine. We cut aid for
primary education in northwest Pakistan and Egypt; the kids went to madrassahs. Why
weren't you making a case that Republican senators are bad on drugs, and bad on national
security? Why are Democrats always so bumfuzzled? By the way, 65 more flight schools
today. Maisy hasn't found your guy. Don't worry. There are thousands more.
C.J.
You know something there, General Cho? If you had a story, you'd write it. If you don't
have one, shut up.
She shoves an egg roll in his mouth.
C.J.
We just lost a vote. We're not bumfuzzled. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to cancel a
photo op with a goat.
CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - NIGHT
Toby, Josh, Will, Leo, and staffers are watching the vote on a TV and Bartlet enters.
BARTLET
Tough beat, everybody. Thanks for the work. Next time, we let Josh do it the way he wants.
JOSH
Sir, have you met...
BARTLET
Bill Haley?
WILL
Will Bailey.
BARTLET
Okay.
C.J.
Good evening, Mr. President.
BARTLET
When's this thing with the cow?
C.J.
It's a goat now.
BARTLET
Okay.
C.J.
We'll cancel it.
BARTLET
You think?
C.J.
A milking goat? It's going to seem like a parody of foreign aid.
BARTLET
I don't know. I don't know everybody. C.J. wants to cancel the goat picture. Half the
world's people live on less than two dollars a day. 130 million will never step inside
a schoolhouse. Ingredients for bombs can be purchased at hardware stores and we've just
given the Third World what the doctor ordered: rollbacks. Heifer International... they
give free cows and goats to people who need milk?
C.J.
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Well, then, I don't think that we're in any position to be snotty. Let's do it...
Let's do it right now.
C.J.
Carol?
CAROL
They're right out here.
C.J.
So, I think this will work. I think it says, "Well, you're impoverished and while we
don't care, we don't want you to go away empty-handed, so we offer you this goat, Ron,
to give you milk."
Ron and his handler Mike enter the Mural Room.
WILL
Do males goats give milk?
C.J.
No, no, of course they don't. So, we offer you this thing that'll just gnaw on your stuff.
BARTLET
I'm not standing in this picture alone. This was a total team failure. Stand where you
want, but I want my Chief of Staff and my Chief Political Advisor standing near the goat.
They all gather around the goat to pose for the picture. The photographer is about to
take a picture but Toby stops him.
TOBY
Hang on a second.
Toby walks over to a staffer that is not going to be in the picture.
TOBY
May I?
The staffer nods.
TOBY
Thank you.
Toby takes the security pass from around the staffers neck and slips it around Ron's.
They laugh.
TOBY
Now we're ready.
BARTLET
Let's go. [to Josh] Set that clock for 90 days.
Bartlet puts his arm around Josh and the photographer snaps the picture.
DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *
The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.
Episode 4.12 -- "Guns Not Butter"
Original Air Date: January 8, 2002, 9:00 PM EST
Transcribed by: ck1czar
January 17, 2003