THE WEST WING
"PRIVATEERS"
TELEPLAY BY: PAUL REDFORD & DEBORA CAHN AND AARON SORKIN
STORY BY: PAUL REDFORD & DEBORA CAHN
DIRECTED BY: ALEX GRAVES
TEASER
FADE IN: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - DAY
The phone rings, and Bartlet, in bed, fumbles to pick it up.
BARTLET
Hello.
FEMALE VOICE
Mr. President, it's six a.m.
BARTLET
Oh, okay. I didn't ask for five?
FEMALE VOICE
You did sir, and the First Lady changed it to six.
BARTLET
She's allowed to do that?
FEMALE VOICE
Sir?
BARTLET
Ah, it's okay. Thanks.
He hangs up the phone as Abbey enters.
ABBEY
You're up.
BARTLET
Yeah, what the hell's going on?
ABBEY
I gave you an extra hour. I checked the schedule and there's absolutely no reason you
couldn't sleep an extra hour.
BARTLET
I know and when she called me at five, I was going to say call me back in an hour and
go back to sleep. I was going to do it myself.
ABBEY
You had a little plan.
BARTLET
Yeah, and now I missed the whole thing.
ABBEY
I accidentally blew your plan. And you had advisors on this and everything didn't you?
You had memos from senior staff on Operation Human Snooze Button.
BARTLET
Operation Resting Eagle.
ABBEY
Oh, no, please tell me you didn't really name it.
BARTLET
You know I was having a little fun in my sleep. It's how I relax. Wait, let me put my
glasses on. Something's turning me on about you, and I can't tell why.
ABBEY
My hair's wet.
BARTLET
Oh, yeah!
ABBEY
I was working out.
BARTLET
I got in late last night.
ABBEY
I know, that's why I changed the call.
BARTLET
We didn't even leave Nashville until after ten. I ended up touring a weapons research
facility in Oak Ridge. They've got one of the most powerful reactors in the world.
They were able to show me an insulin molecule. Basically scoop up two zinc ions.
ABBEY
Before your very eyes.
BARTLET
You're a scientist and your still making fun of this?
ABBEY
No, I'm making fun of you.
BARTLET
Anyway, look, I'm trying to tell you something.
Bartlet gets out of bed as a steward enters with breakfast.
ABBEY
Good morning.
STEWARD
Good morning ma'am.
The steward tries to set up chairs to go with the breakfast cart.
BARTLET
You know what? That's okay, I'm going to get that.
ABBEY
Thank you.
STEWARD
Would you like me to lay out the papers?
BARTLET
No, I'll get them, thanks.
STEWARD
Yes sir.
The steward exits, and the Bartlets sit down.
BARTLET
Lay out the papers, yes, and today I'd like you to alphabetize them.
ABBEY
He's just doing his job.
BARTLET
Anyway when we finally got back from Nashville, Leo was waiting.
ABBEY
What's going on with Leo and Jordan these days?
BARTLET
I don't know but we're going to be interested in that less right now than we are in
other things.
ABBEY
What's the trouble, Sheriff Taylor?
BARTLET
Foreign Ops came out of mark-up.
ABBEY
How is it?
BARTLET
It's good. They only cut two billion and shifted half a billion from the Sub Saharan
to Western Europe because I guess the crippling hunger in Provence has given the
lactose intolerant a problem with-- I don't know but I can live with all that.
ABBEY
Good.
BARTLET
Clancy Bangart attached an amendment.
ABBEY
Stipulating what?
BARTLET
Stipulating that Foreign Ops dollars wouldn't go to any overseas clinics that council
abortion.
ABBEY
Is that out of the blue?
BARTLET
Yeah.
ABBEY
It is, I mean, or it was...
BARTLET
This is the Senate. They can do that.
ABBEY
I was just asking. I mean did Bangart give any indication...?
BARTLET
No, there was no indication. Clancy Bangart doesn't let me know what he's thinking.
ABBEY
Hey, I was just asking you.
BARTLET
There's a handful, a handful and a half of cranky conservative Senators who want this
stuff, and were waiting to pounce. It's what happened.
ABBEY
Clancy wants to reinstate the gag rule.
BARTLET
Yeah.
ABBEY
Is the bill sunk?
BARTLET
I'm sorry?
ABBEY
How many Democrats are defecting?
BARTLET
I don't know yet.
ABBEY
How many would defect if you asked them?
BARTLET
I don't know.
ABBEY
You didn't make the calls?
BARTLET
I'm not prepared to do that yet.
ABBEY
What would happen if you said, "Send me this bill with the gag rule and I'll veto?"
BARTLET
I don't know.
ABBEY
Did you talk to the leadership?
BARTLET
I'm not prepared to do that yet.
ABBEY
It's not that the money can't go to clinics that perform abortions. It's that it can't
go to clinics that talk about abortions.
BARTLET
I know what the gag rule is.
ABBEY
I wasn't reminding you what the gag rule was. I was reminding you that you sent 11,000
U.S. troops to KuHndu because in your inauguration you told us that we were for freedom
of speech everywhere.
BARTLET
That's great except people are starving to death, and they're dying of disease to death,
and they can't cook the Bill of Rights.
ABBEY
So we're for freedom of speech everywhere, but poor countries where they can have our
help but only if they live up to Clancy Bangart's moral standards? What the hell kind
of free world are you running?
BARTLET
I really don't know Abbey, the day hasn't started yet.
SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *
ACT ONE
FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY
JOSH
This is from David Elsin from the USGS-the US Geological Survey-and the Coast Guard
Commander Dennis Travis, "Last night at 3:45 a.m. Battletree Lake burst through its
natural dam in what is known as a 'glacial lake outburst". Okay, it's a rushing river
of ice and water and rock. It's about 300 feet wide and it's sweeping through Kachadee
which is a town on one of the sides of the lake.
LEO
A 300 foot wide river of ice and rock is sweeping through a small town?
JOSH
Yeah.
LEO
And you think that's funny?
JOSH
No.
LEO
I thought you were trying to be funny.
JOSH
No, I'm trying to brief you on a state of emergency in Alaska.
LEO
Oh, sorry, man. We're on the same page now.
JOSH
We have an agreement with Canada and Russia on for mutual assistance in Artic airborne
rescue so I think the President's going to need to get on the phone or at the very
least be briefed.
LEO
Yeah, me too. I think so too. I'll see to it. Why did it happen? Why did the natural
dam break?
JOSH
The dam was part of a glacier, and the glacier melted.
LEO
The glacier melted?
JOSH
It did.
LEO
Glaciers melt once every hundred million years. This one melted today?
JOSH
I don't know anything about geology. I think it's been melting for a long time. But,
yeah, 3:45 this morning was the straw that broke the camels back.
LEO
All right.
JOSH
Thank you.
LEO
You don't want to stand here for a minute and reflect on the fact that a glacier melted
this morning.
JOSH
Well, I would, Leo, but a glacier melted this morning, so at this point Americans are
simply trying to outrun it.
LEO
Sure. Thank you.
JOSH
Thank you, Leo.
Josh exits and runs into Will. They walk through the HALLWAY.
WILL
Hey Josh.
JOSH
A glacier in Alaska melted. You're going to see this on the news in a second. I'll help
you prep C.J., but a natural dam broke, there was flooding, and there's going to be a
lot more.
WILL
A glacier melted?
JOSH
Don't fixate on that.
WILL
I'm not fixating, but you know, a glacier melted.
JOSH
Yeah.
WILL
Okay, well I was just going to ask you if by any chance the first lady is a distant
relative of a pirate.
JOSH
Somebody called?
WILL
The Boston Globe.
They enter the LOBBY as C.J. enters.
JOSH
C.J., talk to C.J. [to C.J.] He got called by The Globe about Captain Feathersworth.
WILL
Is this for real?
C.J.
The Globe?
WILL
Because the Globe got a call from Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead who has denounced
Mrs. Bartlet's membership in the DAR. I'm sorry but is it okay if I laugh a couple of
times during this?
C.J.
Well at Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead certainly.
WILL
Yeah, anyway, to be a member of the DAR you have to have descended directly--
C.J.
From doilies?
WILL
From patriots. And Mrs. Cotesworth-Haye says that the First Lady's qualifying ancestor
is Thomas Broom Weathergill, a pirate.
C.J.
He wasn't a pirate, he was a privateer.
WILL
He was a professional pirate.
C.J.
Yeah, but he worked for us, and he was hired by the fathers of the Daughters of the
American Revolution.
WILL
Okay, should we tell that to the DAR lady?
C.J.
It's not our job to tell things to Mrs. Marble-Haye.
WILL
Cotesworth-Haye, and I couldn't agree more, but she's organizing a boycott of the White
House reception for the DAR, and that's why the Boston Globe is calling.
C.J.
He was a privateer; he wasn't a pirate.
WILL
Right, and also it was a couple hundred years ago, wasn't it?
C.J.
All right, I think it's time for a visit to the First Lady's office.
WILL
For both of us?
C.J.
Yeah.
WILL
You know I was this close to not answering that phone when it rang.
C.J.
But close wasn't good enough was it?
WILL
No. I'm just telling you that if this day ends up with me face to face with Marion
Cotesworth-Haye I'm going to, you know...
C.J.
Laugh inappropriately.
WILL
There's a very real possibility.
C.J.
Let's go.
CUT TO: INT. AMY'S NEW OFFICE - DAY
Amy is hanging diplomas on the wall. She stands back to admire her work, and everything
falls off her walls.
NAT
Miss Gardner?
AMY
Yeah.
NAT
I'm Nat. We met yesterday during your orientation. I'm an intern here in the First Lady's
office. Or I was until Mrs. Bartlet fired my boss and hired you.
AMY
Yeah okay. Well you can stay, let's see how it works out. Nat?
NAT
Yeah.
AMY
Okay.
NAT
And Mrs. Bartlet's waiting to see you.
AMY
Now?
NAT
Yeah.
AMY
Okay, well, that's the kind of thing you want to tell me first.
Abbey walks in.
AMY
Mrs. Bartlet.
ABBEY
Good morning.
AMY
I'm sorry ma'am. [to Nat] Thank you.
ABBEY
What happened here?
AMY
I don't know. I'm sure it's... Good morning.
ABBEY
Relax.
AMY
Okay.
ABBEY
This is easy.
AMY
What's easy?
ABBEY
What I want to talk to you about right now. I'm saying it's your first day and I don't
want you to feel overwhelmed by this. The Foreign Ops bill came out of mark-up late
last night. Senator Bangart, Clancy Bangart, added an amendment, the global gag rule.
I'd like you to get the staff together and start coming up with a way this office can
influence the President to let Congress know he'd veto the bill with that amendment
attached.
AMY
The President would want to hear--
ABBEY
Would want to hear from Senior Staff.
AMY
You want me to get the President to declare his intention to veto his own bill?
ABBEY
Yes. No, it's not that easy, but we're going to do it anyway.
AMY
Yes ma'am.
ABBEY
Start lobbying.
AMY
Yes.
ABBEY
Thank you.
AMY
Thank you ma'am.
Will and C.J. enter.
WILL
Good morning ma'am.
ABBEY
Good morning. A glacier melted in Alaska.
WILL
Are you a little freaked about that too, ma'am?
ABBEY
No.
WILL
I didn't mean that I was.
ABBEY
[on her way out the door] Okay.
WILL
Amy, we have a problem for your office.
AMY
No, you can't. 'Cause it's only my first day, and Mrs. Bartlet already has me overthrowing
the government.
WILL
The legitimacy of her membership in the DAR is being questioned because her qualifying
relative was a pirate.
AMY
A pirate?
WILL
A pirate, a pirate. Oh, yes, a pirate, he.
C.J.
A privateer actually.
AMY
Isn't that just a hired pirate?
C.J.
Yeah. Anyway, Mrs. Helena Hodsworth Hooter-Tooter of Braintree wants to organize a
boycott of the reception and, well, there it is. Yes, Mrs. Bartlet descends from quite
the murderous band of ruffians, and her membership in the DAR is suspect on those
grounds or so believes the Boston Globe.
WILL
Your picture frames fell.
AMY
Yeah, they did Willie.
CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY
Bonnie leads two men into the room.
BURT GANTZ
Toby.
TOBY
Burt.
BURT
Stopped in to say hello.
TOBY
You were in the building?
BURT
They had us meeting about testimony tomorrow. I'm testifying to House Resources on
Polluter Pays. This is Don Novak the lawyer from Kierney-Passaic. Don, this is one of
my first roommates, Toby Ziegler.
DON NOVAK
Don Novak.
TOBY
Good to meet you. You're working for Kierney-Passaic?
BURT
Yeah, we don't make chemicals, Toby, we make ideas.
TOBY
Mm-hmm, but what do you sell?
BURT
Chemicals.
TOBY
And you're testifying for Polluter Pays?
BURT
Yeah.
TOBY
On behalf of nature?
BURT
Yeah, you know what you know you demonize companies that create jobs.
TOBY
[laughs] "You demonize companies that create..." You think taxpayers should pay to
clean up pollution instead?
BURT
A little bit, yes. A modest amount of pollution is an inevitable cost of any business.
Chemical companies are good corporate citizens.
TOBY
That's nice to know, but tomorrow we've got 15 scientists who aren't on industry payroll,
and you'll have...
DON
The republican majority actually.
TOBY
Yeah, well, that's got to help.
DON
It does.
BURT
I just wanted to say hi.
TOBY
Good luck tomorrow.
DON
Nice meeting you.
TOBY
Yeah.
They leave, and then Burt stops in the HALLWAY.
BURT
I forgot to ask about his kids.
DON
Huh?
BURT
His wife is pregnant with twins. Not his-- his ex wife actually. I don't want him to
think I was being rude. Hang on a second.
Burt goes back into TOBY'S OFFICE.
BURT
Excuse me...
TOBY
Yeah?
BURT
I'm supposed to be in here looking at pictures of Andy. Could you take out your wallet
and look for a picture?
TOBY
What?
BURT
Toby, please take out your wallet and look for a picture you can show me. Kierney-Passaic's
been lying for three years. I need protection under federal whistle blower laws.
There's a long pause as Toby takes out his wallet.
BURT
That's nice. Oh, she looks great there. Is that from Christmas?
TOBY
Yeah.
BURT
When are the twins due?
TOBY
Burt are you defecting?
BURT
Yeah.
Toby begins to write a note.
TOBY
They're due in May. It's a boy and a girl. We can't decide on names. She likes Rebecca
or Sophie for girls. I like Sophie too, but I think a lot of kids are named Sophie now.
And I like Rebecca, but I also like Millicent and, which she doesn't like at all, and
we're nowhere with boy's names.
Toby walks into the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE and hands his note to Bonnie. It reads:
"Get Josh Now!"
TOBY
But they say it comes to you, and we've got a little time. We're still working on it.
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *
ACT TWO
FADE IN: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY
JOSH
What's going on?
TOBY
Hang on.
JOSH
What's going on?
TOBY
Cool out.
JOSH
I got a call that said that--
TOBY
Cool out.
JOSH
Who are those two guys talking over there?
TOBY
Would you cool out?
Burt comes back into the office.
BURT
Okay.
TOBY
It's okay.
BURT
I told him... this is...
TOBY
This is Josh Lyman, it's okay.
BURT
I told him we were going to go get some coffee and catch up.
TOBY
This is Burt Gantz. Burt's the... what's your title again Burt?
BURT
Director of Scientific Research at Kierney-Passaic.
TOBY
He's testifying tomorrow on Polluter Pays.
JOSH
I've, I've read your testimony.
TOBY
Yeah, but...
JOSH
His testimony's been written already.
BURT
It was.
JOSH
And it says?
BURT
That Polluter Pays is unfair and unreasonable. That our technology and process is as
safe as is practicably possible and that even an insurance bond is ridiculous because
there's no evidence we're causing environmental damage.
JOSH
So we just saved the committee a lot of time.
TOBY
He wants to change his testimony.
JOSH
To what?
BURT
Kierney-Passaic has been concealing from the EPA and local health officials the amount
of highly carcinogenic toxins at three of our waste disposal sites.
JOSH
You have?
BURT
Yes.
JOSH
What is the amount?
BURT
Lots.
JOSH
Lots?
BURT
Yes.
JOSH
So Kierney-Passaic's not been damaging the environment quite so much as they've been--
BURT
Causing cancer. I have documentation.
JOSH
Stay here and don't say anything to anyone till I call. Who knows he's here?
TOBY
A lawyer from K-P.
JOSH
[exiting] Wait till I call.
BONNIE
Josh, Amy Gardner was looking for you.
Josh runs into Amy in the HALLWAY. They head to JOSH'S OFFICE.
AMY
Hi.
JOSH
It's your first day.
AMY
Yes.
JOSH
Is it true that everything fell off your wall?
AMY
How do you know that?
JOSH
I'm everywhere.
AMY
Oh, well I've been orientating myself for the last few days so I'm fine.
JOSH
Okay, but I don't think orientating is a word. Do you have an assignment?
AMY
Yes, can I see you in your office?
JOSH
Donna, I need to speak to someone from the Council's Office.
DONNA
Yeah.
AMY
Clancy Bangart attached...
JOSH
Attached a global gag rule to Foreign Ops and the first Lady's fershnicked.
AMY
She's what?
JOSH
She's fershnicked.
AMY
Well she's not the only one.
JOSH
You too?
AMY
I was thinking about the 62% of us who support a woman's right to choose.
JOSH
57%
AMY
Kaiser says 62.
JOSH
And I'm one of them.
AMY
This is a huge step forward for the other 38.
JOSH
You think I like it more than you do?
AMY
I don't know, but I also don't think you have a reproductive system.
JOSH
I do not.
AMY
The President should make it clear he'll veto Foreign Ops with the gag amendment.
JOSH
He should veto his own bill?
AMY
No, he should--
JOSH
Let me jot that down.
AMY
No he should threaten to veto.
JOSH
If he does then he has to veto.
AMY
I'm saying with the threat maybe the more moderate Senators will insist the attachment
be taken off.
JOSH
Yeah, but if Amy's plan of magic and wonder doesn't he's got to veto Foreign Ops after
not one, two, but three continuing resolutions. We need a win and 230 million people
overseas need a sandwich so he can't veto Foreign Ops. Donna!
AMY
What can we do?
JOSH
What?
AMY
What can we do?
JOSH
They tried to attach it to everything in the last four years and we've beaten it back
every time with executive orders but this one's going to be law and we have to eat it.
AMY
Okay.
JOSH
Why did your stuff fall off the wall?
AMY
I don't know. Thanks.
Amy leaves and Josh goes out to the BULLPEN AREA.
JOSH
Donna.
DONNA
Yeah?
JOSH
Did you get me in with the council's office?
DONNA
They're all in a meeting till after lunch.
JOSH
All right, after lunch then?
DONNA
Yeah.
JOSH
Hey, you know how you really want to go to the DAR reception tonight?
DONNA
I didn't want to go to the reception.
JOSH
Well you're going. The Secret Service needs us to baby-sit someone. One of the Daughters
of the American Revolution is also the daughter of the ranking member of House Armed
Services.
DONNA
So she needs to be shadowed?
JOSH
Not her, her date. Matthew Lambert, 26, was arrested when he was 21 and a senior at
Emerson. He was arrested for selling drugs and found guilty of a felony and the Secret
Service won't let him in unless someone who's credentialed is watching him.
DONNA
I have to stay with him the whole night?
JOSH
Yeah, and he won't know why, so try to be cool.
DONNA
He won't know why?
JOSH
Or his girlfriend I would think. After lunch with the council's office?
DONNA
Can I talk to him?
JOSH
If you want but don't tell him we regard him as a security risk. It's just, you know,
inhospitable.
DONNA
Yeah.
CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY
Leo is holding a meeting with people from the USGS.
PAUL HENDRICKS
So far we've evacuated 250 people but residents along the shores of the lake have been
difficult to reach.
LEO
Why?
HENDRICKS
For one thing most of them don't have addresses anymore.
LEO
Paul...
HENDRICKS
And for another there are high winds in the more exposed areas right on the shore.
LEO
All right, and Canada?
HENDRICKS
Canada's delivering the Pavehawks inside the hour.
LEO
Can someone tell me why this happened? Is this an act of God?
HILLARY TOOBIN
No.
LEO
I'm sorry?
HENDRICKS
This is Hillary Toobin. She's a hydroclimatologist with the USGS.
LEO
What's a hydroclimatologist?
HILLARY
An expert in what I'm about to say. Mean temperatures in Alaska have risen seven degrees
in the last 30 years. That's insane. The temperature hike has caused glaciers to shrink
and go backwards, leaving lakes of melted glacier water in their wake. A shift in these
collapsing glaciers puts pressure on the lakes forcing them to overflow their natural
limits, and killing, this morning, 14 people, not spotted owls.
LEO
Are you telling me the deaths this morning are the first fatalities of global warming?
HILLARY
They're definitely global warming fatalities, but I doubt that they're the first.
LEO
Okay. Can you stay around for a while?
HENDRICKS
Yeah.
CUT TO: INT. AMY'S OFFICE - DAY
AMY
Mrs. Bartlet.
ABBEY
Hi. You know the stuff fell off the wall again.
AMY
Did it?
ABBEY
Yeah, I think some of the guys might be having fun with you on your first day.
AMY
They're such rascals.
ABBEY
Yes.
AMY
I'm just coming from seeing Josh.
ABBEY
And?
AMY
Well his point, and it's reasonable I think, is that the President can't threaten to do
what he's not prepared to do.
ABBEY
I wasn't talking about an empty threat.
AMY
He's... he's not going to veto his own Foreign Ops proposal.
ABBEY
It's not his, it's the Senate's.
AMY
It's his.
ABBEY
With this attached?
AMY
It's 18 billion dollars worth of appropriations. It's 950 million for child survival,
140 million for infectious diseases. The White House will have to negotiate another aid
package a year from now. Why not gear up for that when I've been on the job for a year--?
ABBEY
No!
AMY
--instead of the 5 hours I've been on the job right now.
ABBEY
Should I get someone else?
AMY
Of course not, ma'am. That's not what I was saying.
ABBEY
What right do we have to restrict anything anyone says anywhere, much less what a doctor
can say to a woman who needs a doctor? That's right. My husband is one of the most
liberal Presidents this country is likely to see for a while. I don't have that many
next years left.
AMY
I think you're wrong there, but...
ABBEY
Let's get back to it.
AMY
Yes, ma'am.
Abbey exits. Amy closes the doors behind her, steps back, and the doors fall off their
hinges, hitting the floor with a huge bang.
FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *
ACT THREE
FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE MESS - DAY
Charlie is sitting at table. Will goes over.
WILL
Hey, what's going on?
CHARLIE
You mean in Alaska?
WILL
I meant in general.
CHARLIE
Hang on... I got a Dear John letter from Zoey. She's breaking up with me again. In email.
It's a Dear John email from my ex-girlfriend. This is going to be a high self-image day
for me.
WILL
Why is she breaking up with you again?
CHARLIE
I make Jean-Paul uncomfortable. They've had a talk.
WILL
So it's really your ex-girlfriend, on behalf of her new boyfriend, who sent you a Dear
John email.
They begin to walk UPSTAIRS.
CHARLIE
Yeah that makes it better.
WILL
What brought this on?
CHARLIE
Zoey's being indicted into the DAR and there's a reception. And Jean-Paul thinks it's
unnatural, and he's the son of a Count.
WILL
Oh, who isn't?
CHARLIE
An email.
WILL
You're going to take this lying down?
CHARLIE
No, I'll be standing up most of the time.
WILL
I'm serious.
CHARLIE
What other way is there for me to take it?
WILL
Belligerently.
CHARLIE
Belligerently?
WILL
I'd say no. I'd do it respectfully.
CHARLIE
You'd say no?
WILL
Respectfully.
CHARLIE
What would that sound like?
WILL
Zoey, you say Jean-Paul is uncomfortable with our relationship and he'd rather I not be
around, and I respectfully say no.
CHARLIE
Can I ask you something?
WILL
Sure.
CHARLIE
Do you have a girlfriend right now?
WILL
No.
CHARLIE
When was the last time you had one?
WILL
About 9 months ago.
CHARLIE
How long did it last?
WILL
A couple of days.
CHARLIE
Okay.
WILL
In my own defense, she was psycho.
CHARLIE
So why are you giving me relationship help?
WILL
Because I'm the only one in this conversation who didn't get a Dear John email from his
ex-girlfriend's boyfriend.
CHARLIE
God, that's really true isn't it?
C.J. sees them coming down the HALLWAY.
C.J.
Will!
WILL
Excuse me.
C.J.
She's coming right now.
AMY
I got a message saying I should meet you both here.
C.J.
Yes. We think we solved your problem.
AMY
Which problem?
C.J.
Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead.
AMY
Who's organizing a boycott of the reception?
C.J.
Yes.
AMY
How big a problem is it?
C.J.
Not a problem at all, because we have her here.
AMY
Here in the White House?
C.J.
Here in the Mural room.
AMY
I thought she lives in Marblehead.
C.J.
Turns out she came to Washington.
AMY
To boycott the reception?
C.J.
What do you care? Just go in there and talk it through, and if you feel like that isn't
working, tell her the First Lady wants to give her an award tonight.
AMY
I make up an award?
C.J.
Save yourself the headache.
AMY
Am I being hazed? Is this a hazing? 'Cause I'll go along and everything but I have to
see Josh again so...
WILL
It's not a hazing. They don't do that... except, yes, you put olives in my jacket again.
C.J.
I did. I did put olives in his jacket but this is on the level.
AMY
Okay.
They head into the Mural Room when C.J. stops them.
C.J.
Hang on.
AMY
What?
C.J.
I got to make sure I don't laugh.
AMY
Oh God.
C.J.
It's a funny name to me, that's all, just give me a second. Hang on. Okay.
Will, C.J., and Amy walk into THE MURAL ROOM, where a man and a much older woman are
waiting.
C.J.
Mr. Thomas?
MR. THOMAS
Yes.
C.J.
I'm C.J. Cregg. My assistant spoke to you on the phone. Mrs. Cotesworth-Haye, I'm
C.J. Cregg. I'm the White House Press Secretary. This is Will Bailey our Deputy
Communications Director and Amelia Gardner, who's the First Lady's Chief of Staff.
And this is her first day as a matter of fact. We're so happy you could take the
time to come over so we could talk this through.
MARION COTESWORTH-HAYE
I'm Marion Cotesworth-Haye.
C.J.
[starts laughing hysterically] I'm sorry. I was... I was... thinking of this thing
from... this thing that just happened... with the deficit. I'm sorry...
AMY
Oh God. Excuse us.
Amy leads C.J. into the corner.
AMY
Is this a hazing?
C.J.
I swear it's not a hazing. It's real. It's real. I just laughed 'cause of the name.
You've got to fix it.
Amy goes back over.
AMY
Ma'am.
MARION
This is my secretary Mr. Thomas.
AMY
Good to meet you. Ma'am, the First Lady was saddened to see you weren't going to be
attending the reception tonight.
C.J. gets herself under control, turns around, and starts laughing again.
MARION
She was saddened? That doesn't sound like Abigail.
AMY
Well the problem is, and you weren't to be told before hand, but Mrs. Bartlet, during
the presentation of honors this evening, was to personally present you with an award.
C.J. chuckles in the background.
MARION
I hadn't heard about this.
AMY
She likes to keep it a surprise. For the faces, the surprise faces.
MARION
May I ask what the award is for?
AMY
It's for your many years of service.
A shot of C.J. dying in the background.
MARION
Is this the Liberty Award?
AMY
No...
Will pantomimes unlocking a door.
AMY
It's a key.
Will runs over to an American flag in the corner and points to it.
AMY
...The Francis Scott key. It's the Francis Scott Key key.
MARION
Well that is a different foxhunt all together isn't it?
AMY
Yes. You'll be there?
MARION
I will strongly consider it, yes.
AMY
Thank you. [to Will] Thank you.
They begin to leave.
C.J.
Thank you.
WILL
Thank you.
Will, C.J., and Amy leave the Mural Room.
C.J.
You know what happened? I didn't have my game face on.
AMY
Yes.
C.J.
Anyway, problem solved.
AMY
Excuse me.
Amy sees Josh in the HALLWAY. They head to JOSH'S OFFICE.
AMY
Josh. Excuse me.
JOSH
Hey, is it true your office doors fell down?
AMY
Yeah, I understand how you did that, but how did you get the stuff to fall off the wall?
JOSH
The guys from Army Counter-Intelligence get a bunch of boys, I don't ask questions.
AMY
I was wondering...
JOSH
Hang on.
AMY
Why?
JOSH
It's a public lobby.
AMY
I don't know launch sequences.
A passing intern gives them a strange look.
JOSH
[chuckles] She really doesn't so everything's fine.
AMY
Would you consider having the Senior Staff write a statement of administrative policy?
JOSH
We write SAP's all the time. Saying what?
AMY
Saying the President should veto a Foreign Ops bill if it comes to him--
JOSH
No.
AMY
--if it comes to him with a gag rule.
JOSH
He's not going to veto Foreign Ops.
AMY
Threaten to veto.
JOSH
He's not going to threaten to veto--
AMY
Not the President, the staff. The staff writes an SAP which is public, it might get
enough moderate republicans--
JOSH
First of all, I don't think it will.
AMY
It might.
JOSH
But if it doesn't?
AMY
If it doesn't, then he signs it.
JOSH
Then we look like a bunch of empty shirts.
AMY
Who?
JOSH
The Senior Staff.
AMY
That's vanity.
JOSH
No, it is not. I am at my most effective for this country when lawmakers are under the
impression that I have influence with the President, so is Leo, and so is Toby, so is
C.J., so is the Vice President. We're not giving back Roe. We're going to swallow it on
Foreign Ops, that is all. It's a good package, and I'm celebrating tonight.
AMY
With the Daughters of the American Revolution?
JOSH
The daughters of any revolution will do. Listen, I'm not going to ask for an SAP on the
resolution, but I think it's important enough that I don't mind if you go over my head
and ask Leo to call for it.
AMY
Thank you.
JOSH
It's okay to tell Mrs. Bartlet you disagree with her you know.
AMY
What makes you think I disagree with her?
JOSH
I know everything.
AMY
I'll see you tonight.
Amy leaves his office.
FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *
ACT FOUR
FADE IN: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
BURT
It's not lying, but the information gets hidden in soil sample reports that are submitted
to the EPA.
MIKE
What's an acceptable level?
BURT
Of carcinogens?
MIKE
Yeah.
TOBY
What does it matter?
MIKE
It doesn't, just curious.
BURT
Well, one part per billion is unacceptable. What our engineers do is raise the MDLs.
MIKE
Method detection levels?
BURT
Yeah, to 100 ppb.
MIKE
Interesting.
TOBY
Mike?
MIKE
Yeah.
TOBY
You wanted to become a scientist, but you didn't. You became a lawyer and got a job at
the council's office so let's do that now.
MIKE
I did my undergrad in Chemical Engineering. I was good. And then I went to law school,
and I don't know what happened.
BURT
[chuckles] That's cool.
JOSH
Can we get on with it?
TOBY
House Resources is hearing testimony on the Polluter Pays bill. If we can get justice
to grant him immunity under the whistle blower statute, he testify tomorrow and say that
Kierney-Passaic has been hiding dangerous levels of cancer causing whatever in the EPA
reports. It will do tremendous good for us in terms of winning this one.
JOSH
Toby?
TOBY
Yeah?
JOSH
Plus we retard Kierney-Passaic's progress in killing people.
TOBY
Josh is right. There are several positive outcomes.
JOSH
Mike, can he get whistle blower status?
MIKE
I don't think it matters.
TOBY
Why?
MIKE
Well you're talking about the Anti Retaliation Provisions in the of the False Claim Act.
TOBY
Yes.
MIKE
This entitles an employee to relief. If he's fired or demoted or suspended or in any
matter discriminated against because lawful acts done by the employee on behalf of
employer.
TOBY
Yes.
MIKE
These acts weren't lawful.
TOBY
How is testifying in front of House Resources not lawful?
MIKE
No that's lawful but, Bert, how did you become aware that the EPA documents were being
falsified?
BURT
I'm the senior engineer.
MIKE
You initialled them.
BURT
Yes.
MIKE
Well let me ask you this the way the federal prosecutors will. Did you knowingly and
purposefully sign fraudulent documents submitted to federal authorities?
BURT
Well, it's not that the documents were...
TOBY
Oh my God.
MIKE
Yeah, he doesn't need 37-30, he needs immunity from criminal prosecution. I'll tell you
something else, he'd better get it.
JOSH
What do you mean he'd better get it? If he doesn't get it, he doesn't talk.
MIKE
You two would be compelled to name him and recount everything he told you when subpoenaed
by the US Attorney to appear before a Federal Grand Jury.
JOSH
We have to turn him in now?
MIKE
No, you don't have to, but you'll go to jail as a co-conspirator.
JOSH
I don't understand. All I did was get up in the morning... then I got a message to go
see you.
TOBY
How come he knows about the rule?
JOSH
Everybody knows about that.
TOBY
Was something else on your mind that moment in law school when they taught that rule?
Were you distracted by a bumblebee?
JOSH
Mike.
MIKE
Burt, why don't you come sit in my office while we call your lawyer?
BURT
Yeah.
TOBY
You have a lawyer?
MIKE
Of course I have a lawyer.
TOBY
Then why the hell did you come to my office and tell me... I don't care. Mike, let's get
him immunity.
MIKE
We'll wait in my office.
BURT
I can leave my coat here?
TOBY
Yeah.
JOSH
You going to the DAR thing tonight? It's not that I didn't know the federal law it's...
we... we got in a little deep before I was able to, you know, summon that...
TOBY
Shut up.
CUT TO: INT. EAST WING - NIGHT
Abbey and Amy are talking about the Foreign Ops bill.
ABBEY
I was talking about the threat of a veto.
AMY
No, they understood that.
ABBEY
They?
AMY
I took it to Leo McGarry too.
ABBEY
Don't let Josh find that out.
AMY
No, he suggested it.
ABBEY
And not even, we were talking about the threat of a veto, we were talking about an SAP.
AMY
But those policy recommendations are published by the OMB which means there'd be a
record of the President ignoring...
ABBEY
I don't care.
AMY
It makes it look like they don't have their act together.
ABBEY
They're exporting religious doctrine. They don't have their act together. Are they
playing you?
AMY
No, ma'am.
ABBEY
Like the diplomas falling off the wall?
AMY
No ma'am.
They leave the East Wing and walk along the PORTICO to the DAR RECEPTION.
AMY
They didn't stump me ma'am. We simply exhausted our options which was fairly predictable.
ABBEY
What options did we exhaust?
AMY
The HHS Secretary, the Appropriations Manager. I spoke to the Minority Leader's office.
Several Senators, all of whom you'd consider close allies. The amendment's going to hold.
ABBEY
Would the staff consider recommending another amendment be attached?
AMY
Saying what?
ABBEY
We put condoms in every classroom around the globe.
AMY
I don't think the staff would consider that, no.
ABBEY
Oh, why?
AMY
Because it would kill the Foreign Ops bill.
ABBEY
You tried to kill welfare reauthorization because you didn't like marriage incentives.
Wasn't that chocking off money to the poor to cater to a women's issue?
AMY
I did it because I had hope that it would change the bill before the vote. In this case,
I have no hope of that.
ABBEY
Well, thanks for the pep talk there.
CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Charlie is working when Jean-Paul wanders in.
JEAN-PAUL
Hello. Good evening.
CHARLIE
Hey, Jean-Paul. How are you doing?
JEAN-PAUL
I was to meet Zoey by the car. Is it here?
CHARLIE
What?
JEAN-PAUL
Zoey and I are arriving separately, and she didn't want to walk in alone so she told me
to meet her by the car. Is that here?
CHARLIE
Is it here?
JEAN-PAUL
No?
CHARLIE
[baffled] Is this by the car? No. This is... we're inside! This is a building!
JEAN-PAUL
There are many entrances and driveways, and I think you knew I meant that.
CHARLIE
I swear to god Jean-Paul, I had no ungodly idea what you were talking about.
JEAN-PAUL
Hmm. Zoey becomes that Daughter of the American Revolution tonight. Like her mother and
hers before.
CHARLIE
Yes.
JEAN-PAUL
They think it is possible I had ancestors who fought for the Colonies.
CHARLIE
Well, they think it's possible my great, great grandfather is Thomas Jefferson so...
JEAN-PAUL
Is that so?
CHARLIE
You're stoned right now. And that's incredibly risky when you're around Zoey. It's
unbelievably stupid. So could you be careful with that?
JEAN-PAUL
Could you tell me where Zoey meant to meet her?
CHARLIE
The ellipse. That's where they're receiving people.
CUT TO: INT. THE DAR RECEPTION - NIGHT
Josh and Donna are standing in a corner whispering to each other.
DONNA
This is ridiculous.
JOSH
You don't have to make a big deal out of it. He doesn't have to know he's being tailed.
DONNA
This wasn't on Laverne and Shirley?
JOSH
It may have been.
DONNA
I loathe you.
JOSH
Okay.
Donna walks over to a couple by the bar.
DONNA
Excuse me, are you Matthew Lambert?
MATTHEW LAMBERT
Yeah.
DONNA
Hi, I'm Donna Moss.
MATTHEW
Hi, this is my girlfriend Heidi Choat.
DONNA
Hi... You guys here at the party?
MATTHEW
Yeah. They said we could walk around the West Wing so we're just going to go walk around.
DONNA
Great, I'll go with you.
They exit. Leo walks over to Will and C.J.
LEO
Hi.
C.J.
Hello.
LEO
I've spent a portion of the day with a hydroclimatologist named Hillary Toobin, who says
that Alaska happened because of greenhouse gas, and seven other geologists think so too.
C.J.
We can't politicize it.
LEO
We have to politicize it, it's politics.
C.J.
It's disrespectful.
LEO
It is, and we'll have to say so.
C.J.
Is Hillary Toobin ready to get publicly scolded by the White House?
LEO
She is. She'll call for a 25% reduction decrease in emissions over the next ten years,
and you'll reprimand her for politicizing the tragedy. What do you think?
WILL
I think that's right, but I think that I should do it.
C.J.
You don't want to do it.
WILL
I really don't, but I don't think a researcher at Interior is going to jump-start this
the way you need.
LEO
I appreciate it.
WILL
Yes, sir.
CUT TO: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
Charlie is waiting outside as a car pulls up. Zoey steps out.
CHARLIE
Look at that DAR dress you're wearing. Man, that's fantastic. You could churn butter
in that thing.
ZOEY
Were you skulking in the shadows?
CHARLIE
I was.
ZOEY
Was Jean-Paul not able to meet me?
CHARLIE
He's meeting you right now. He's waiting at the Ellipse.
ZOEY
I don't ever use the Ellipse.
CHARLIE
Oh, that's right. You know what, I forgot.
ZOEY
Look...
CHARLIE
You sent me an email?
ZOEY
What was I supposed to do?
CHARLIE
Not send me an email.
ZOEY
He is very jealous of you. He is, and I'd like to try to make this work. So if you
don't mind.
CHARLIE
Oh, but I do mind.
ZOEY
Well, I don't think that matters.
CHARLIE
I think it does.
ZOEY
Are you going to do what I asked in the email?
CHARLIE
No.
ZOEY
You just refuse?
CHARLIE
I do. I refuse respectfully.
ZOEY
You can't refuse and be respectful at the same time.
CHARLIE
Watch me. Ask again.
ZOEY
Stop pursuing me.
CHARLIE
Respectfully no.
ZOEY
Why?
CHARLIE
'Cause I'm in love with you and that's the way it goes.
ZOEY
[smiles] I have to go inside for dinner.
CHARLIE
How long do you think before Jean Paul figures out your there?
ZOEY
Oh, shut up.
CUT TO: INT. THE DAR RECEPTION - NIGHT
Donna, Matthew and Heidi are talking at a table.
DONNA
Is there anything you guys need?
HEIDI CHOAT
No, we're great. I feel like you've been giving us so much attention and there's so
many people. Don't you have to greet them all?
DONNA
No, I'm not working the party.
HEIDI
I thought you said you worked here.
DONNA
I work here at the White House, I'm a guest at the party.
HEIDI
So you're just talking to us...
DONNA
For fun.
HEIDI
Okay, well I'll go get us drinks.
DONNA
Okay. I'll stay here with Matt.
HEIDI
Honey?
MATTHEW
You want me to go to the bar with you?
HEIDI
Yeah.
DONNA
[gets up to follow them] Cool. Bar trip.
Toby sees Burt standing by the door, and walks over to him.
TOBY
What are you doing here?
BURT
They're still making calls. They told me I could walk around.
TOBY
It didn't occur to me until I asked why you didn't tell your lawyer. You knew what
you were doing the whole way, right? Get the President's muscle to lean on justice
for immunity.
BURT
I'm scared of criminal prosecution. I'm just terrified of it. But to my credit I think
I'm righting this wrong.
TOBY
After three years.
BURT
That's something.
TOBY
That's quite an impressive ethical learning curve.
BURT
It's not as clear cut as you think.
TOBY
[chuckles] Really. The U.S. attorneys are going to grill you for a while, but you'll
get the immunity.
A bell clangs.
STEWARD
Ladies and Gentlemen would you please make your way to the State Dining room. Dinner
is being served.
DONNA
I'm right behind you guys.
Abbey walks over to Amy.
ABBEY
Listen...
AMY
Ma'am, I spent a year and a half as issues director for NOW, two years as political
director of Emily's List, founder of the Democratic Women's forum, AA to Hope Schrader
and Director of the Women's Leadership Coalition.
ABBEY
Look...
AMY
Excuse me, ma'am, but I beat back five anti-choice judicial nominees, got the Violence
Against Women Act reauthorized with a republican majority and raised 22 million dollars
for House candidates.
ABBEY
Amy...
AMY
All the while this White House, your office included, allowed equal pay to be pushed off
the agenda, allowed marriage incentives to be put in welfare reform, buried a surgeon
generals report on birth control and allowed the global gag rule in the first place.
You hired me to put a professional face on your office. This bill is going to be law
tonight. If you want to fire me, fire me.
ABBEY
I don't want to fire you.
AMY
Oh, why did you want to talk to me?
ABBEY
To tell you you had a good first day.
AMY
Oh, okay, I jumped the gun.
ABBEY
Yeah. This is strange for me Amy, I used to baby-sit for you, give me a little time.
AMY
I used to get you in some jams.
ABBEY
Yes you did. Let's go to dinner.
They walk towards THE DINING ROOM.
AMY
You're giving someone an award tonight. I'll explain on the way.
ABBEY
What award?
AMY
The Francis Scott Key key. I didn't know you were related to pirates. That's pretty hot.
ABBEY
I'm related to a privateer. What is a Francis Scott...?
AMY
I've written some remarks.
CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bartlet is watching the news, as he and Abbey get ready for bed.
NEWSCASTER
The White House is doing some quick backpedaling today claiming that Deputy Communications
Director Will Bailey was not speaking for the President when he said that the deaths in
Kachadee Alaska were caused by, quote, reckless disregard for the issue of global warming.
Senate Republican Whip, Bill Armstrong, said that...
BARTLET
Will's a good boy.
ABBEY
He fell on it?
BARTLET
Yeah.
ABBEY
I gave a made up award to Marion tonight.
BARTLET
Marblehead?
ABBEY
I think she's from Marblehead.
BARTLET
No, some of us call her Marblehead.
ABBEY
She was going to boycott the thing.
BARTLET
Cause you're a pirate?
ABBEY
Oh, not me. Seventeen generations ago, and he was a privateer. He fought the war, we
didn't have a Navy.
BARTLET
I know what they were.
ABBEY
You put a guy on the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals who called sexual harassment
"a flight of fancy for the overindulged". You put him on the Tenth Circuit.
BARTLET
Today?
ABBEY
Three years ago. And TANF cut child care subsidies, and equal pay got pocket vetoed,
and abstinence only, and teacher funding initiatives. And I didn't do a lot, or really
anything, to stop it.
BARTLET
Yeah, you did.
ABBEY
And now this thing. I want to contribute is all. Like Will tonight, screwing up on purpose.
BARTLET
We don't have to ask you to screw up Abbey, you do by your...
ABBEY
I'm not kidding around.
BARTLET
I can't publicly reprimand you, it wouldn't play well. We save you for other things.
ABBEY
Okay.
BARTLET
You want to hear about Max Weber?
ABBEY
Get into bed.
BARTLET
German thinker Max Weber said that politics is the "slow boring of hard boards and that
anyone who seeks to do it must risk his own soul". You know what that means?
ABBEY
I like how you think that patronizing me is going to make me feel better. It's sweet.
BARTLET
It means that change comes in excruciating increments for those who want it. You're
trying to move mountains. It takes lifetimes. But Zoey Bartlet is the newest Daughter
of the American Revolution so I like our chances for the long run.
ABBEY
That's what you have to say?
BARTLET
Yes.
ABBEY
All right, it's pretty good... So what do you think? You wait a few weeks?
BARTLET
Till the bulk of the bill is appropriated.
ABBEY
Yeah. Then maybe you cap the percentage of the funding as covered by the gag rule.
BARTLET
Yeah.
ABBEY
And... How do you monitor what a doctor says to a woman in Zimbabwe anyway?
BARTLET
You don't.
ABBEY
We'll just get more aggressive on the domestic side.
BARTLET
We will.
ABBEY
Move family planning to a discretionary account in next year's budget rounds.
BARTLET
Keep talking, I'm going to turn off the light.
ABBEY
Are you getting up at six tomorrow?
BARTLET
No, I have to get up early.
DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *
The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.
Episode 4.18 -- "Privateers"
Original Air Date: March 26, 2003, 9:00 PM EST
Transcribed by: corrine
April 22, 2003