THE WEST WING
"THE U.S. POET LAUREATE"
TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN
STORY BY: LAURA GLASSER
DIRECTED BY: CHRISTOPHER MISIANO
TEASER
FADE IN: THE MURAL ROOM - DAY
The President is having an interview live on television. He sits and watches the
broadcaster on television. Camera crews are everywhere. Toby watches nearby.
TV BROADCASTER
Good morning, Mr. President. Good to have you with us.
BARTLET
Good to be talking to you.
TV BROADCASTER
You're talking to us from the Map Room this morning?
BARTLET
The Mural Room as a matter of fact.
TV BROADCASTER
Well, welcome to Sunrise Cincinnati, sir. And I know you have only a few minutes,
and you want to talk to us about Thursday's prime-time press conference.
BARTLET
That's right, and Thursday night we're going to talk about energy dependence versus
independence and cleaner burning fuels that get up to 80 miles per gallon versus
oil-based fuels that pump billions of pounds of pollution into our air and perhaps
just as important our vulnerable to very volatile price spikes. We want to talk about
controlling our destiny through innovation instead of relying so heavily on foreign oil.
TV BROADCASTER
Okay, now, you mention foreign oil.
BARTLET
Yeah. 65% of the world's oil reserves are in the Mid East. 3% are here at home. I,
for one, wouldn't mind sending a little less of my money over there and the only
alternative is to use less oil.
TV BROADCASTER
Last question Mr. President. Governor Robert Ritchie of Florida the likely Republican
nominee for the fall campaign, in his new book "A Promise to Lead," he says that we
should be exploring the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve for new sources of energy.
Will this be a hotly-contested campaign topic?
BARTLET
I hope so, but there'll be plenty of time for campaigning come the fall. Thursday night
is about America's energy future.
TV BROADCASTER
Thank you, very much, President Jed Bartlet. It's 12 past the hour. Don't go away.
We'll be back with traffic and weather updates.
MAN
And we're out.
TV BROADCASTER
Thank you very much sir.
BARTLET
Thank you, Kim.
TV BROADCASTER
Uh... Terry.
BARTLET
I'm-- Terry, I'm sorry.
TV BRAODCASTER
That's all right.
BARTLET
That was my ninth interview this morning.
TV BROADCASTER
Are you ready to run against Ritchie?
BARTLET
Well, I guess we'll be ready to run against whoever we have to run against.
TV BROADCASTER
What do you think of him?
BARTLET
Rob Ritchie? I don't know him very well.
TV BROADCASTER
Well, good luck.
BARTLET
Thank you.
TOBY
They all want to talk about Ritchie's book.
BARTLET
We can talk about my book.
TOBY
Theory and Design of Macro Economics in Developing Nations?
BARTLET
Yeah.
MAN
Okay, sir, we have 2 minutes and 20 seconds and it's WKZN Philadelphia.
BARTLET
Thanks.
TOBY
When they say "exploring" you got to say "drilling." There's a 12 point kick with
ANWAR between "exploring" and drilling."
BARTLET
What else?
TOBY
Saudi Arabia, bad.
BARTLET
Got it.
C.J.
How's it going?
TOBY
Good.
C.J.
Do you have a minute?
TOBY
Well, that's all I've got.
We follow Toby to C.J.'S OFFICE.
C.J.
Could you do me a favor? I just got faxed a letter from Tabitha Fortis. She says she's
not comfortable going ahead with the dinner next week unless she gets to chastise the
administration for backing off it's commitment to banning land mines. I'm sure its just
a matter of hand-holding. Would you ask Sam to talk to her?
TOBY
I'll do it.
C.J.
I thought Sam 'cause he's more familiar with land mines.
TOBY
I'll talk to her.
C.J.
Why?
TOBY
'Cause.
C.J. gets a big grin on her face.
TOBY
What?
C.J.
Is it possible you've got a little touch of the poet? Or would like a little touch of the poet?
TOBY
Yes.
C.J.
Okay, then learn something about land mines, would you? We don't want to cancel. About
300 of the finest minds in the country are coming, plus some Congressmen.
TOBY
It'll be fine.
C.J.
Knock 'em dead, de Bergerac.
CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Toby goes back inside.
TOBY
Okay.
BARTLET
Okay what?
TOBY
Nothing, I just meant, you know, okay.
MAN
They're back from commercial in 20 seconds.
BARTLET
Drilling/exploring.
TOBY
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Saudi Arabia bad.
TOBY
Saudi Arabia very bad.
BARTLET
Okay.
TOBY
Okay.
BARTLET
Why are you smiling?
TOBY
Happiness is my default position.
BARTLET
Okay.
TV REPORTER
And joining us now from the Mural Room of the White House is President Bartlet.
Good morning, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Good morning. Thanks for having me.
TV REPORTER
And you're here to talk about Thursday's prime-time press conference.
BARTLET
And to shill for my new energy plan, which is about raising fuel economy standards, working
with Detroit to develop hybrid cars, and using tax incentives to promote alternative energy.
TV REPORTER
Why is alternative energy important?
BARTLET
After a decade of wars with Iraq and a spread of religious extremism in Saudi Arabia, we
still rely on this very dangerous, very uncertain region for a quarter of our oil reserves.
And I, for one, wouldn't mind not sending quite so much of my money there.
TV REPORTER
Now, wouldn't that suggest that Florida Governor Robert Ritchie was correct in his book
"A Promise to Lead" when he says we should be opening up the Arctic for exploration?
BARTLET
Exploring is what Magellan did and Balboa and Jacques Cousteau. What we're talking about
is drilling which is the only way you know if there's oil there and which will forever
damage national treasures like ANWAR.
TV REPORTER
What about Clean Coal?
BARTLET
Clean Coal is a term that pollsters came up with 'cause it polls higher then regular coal.
What we want are real cleaner burning fuels. We want to control our destiny through
innovation and that's what we're going to be talking about Thursday night.
TV REPORTER
Mr. President, thank you very much for being with us today.
BARTLET
My pleasure.
TV REPORTER
It's 16 past the hour. We'll be back with traffic and weather as Wake-Up Philadelphia continues.
MAN
Okay.
TV REPORTER
Thank you sir, that was terrific.
BARTLET
Leslie, right?
TV REPORTER
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Thanks a lot.
TV REPORTER
I mentioned Governor Ritchie's book because I was hoping you'd rise to the bait.
BARTLET
There'll be plenty of bait in September-October.
TV REPORTER
Have you read the book?
BARTLET
I'll read it when he does.
TV REPORTER
What's your read on him so far?
BARTLET
I don't know, Leslie. I think we might be talking about a .22 caliber mind in a .357 magnum world.
TV REPORTER
Okay.
BARTLET
Okay, thanks again. [to Toby] Who's next?
TOBY
You were hot.
BARTLET
What?
TOBY
When you said that just now. You were hot. They've got it on b-roll.
SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *
ACT ONE
FADE IN: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - DAY
C.J., Josh and Sam are inside.
JOSH
How'd the tape get out already?
SAM
We were just talking about that.
C.J.
There was a local AP reporter at the station in Philly.
JOSH
They didn't want to keep it for an exclusive?
C.J.
It's better for them to have their call letters splashed on every... and the networks
will carry it tonight.
JOSH
This is amateur crap, Sam. How'd it happen?
SAM
Well, first of all, I wasn't there.
JOSH
Who was there?
SAM
My boss. The White House Director of Communications. It wasn't his fault, either. It was
eight seconds. It was his tenth interview. He didn't see that the green light was...
JOSH
All right, you're right. What's first?
C.J.
I have the briefing room in 20 minutes.
JOSH
What do you think you're going to get?
C.J.
Is the President saying Governor Ritchie's stupid?
SAM
Yes.
C.J.
No.
SAM
Yes, is the only answer to that question.
JOSH
Why not, the President has the highest regard for Governor Ritchie. Believes he's a broad
thinker and a dedicated public servant?
SAM
Because it's the Press Briefing Room, not the Improv. There's no way for her to walk this
back. She'll sound disingenuous at best. Naive at worst.
JOSH
I'm more concerned with how the President sounds.
C.J.
I've got 80 boys and girls in there who don't make the distinction. And if I pretend Bobby
Ritchie's a nuclear physicist...
SAM
Then don't answer it. We're focusing on energy and dependence this week.
C.J.
No, we're focusing on this this week. I can try a non-apology apology.
JOSH
Try it.
C.J.
"The President didn't realize that the camera was hot and he said something he shouldn't
have, as we all do from time to time."
JOSH
Nice.
SAM
Yeah. It's a head-fake towards contrition.
JOSH
And we hold our heads high. All right.
SAM
Good. We'll see how it goes. (exits)
JOSH
Why do you suppose this one's so hard to spin?
C.J.
'Cause it's the classic Washington scandal. We screwed up by telling the truth.
JOSH
All right. Lets try not to do that that much.
We follow Josh into his BULLPEN AREA where we see Donna, Bonnie, Ginger, and Margaret
gathered around Donna’s computer laughing and whispering.
JOSH
What's going on?
GINGER
Hi, sugar lips.
JOSH
I'm sorry?
MARGARET
Donna struck gold.
JOSH
What is it?
BONNIE
LemonLyman.com.
JOSH
What is it?
DONNA
It's your fan site.
JOSH
What are you talking about?
DONNA
There's a website devoted to all things "Josh."
JOSH
You're kidding me.
DONNA
No.
JOSH
LemonLyman.com?
DONNA
You have fans, Josh. Not many of them from the looks of it, but what they lack in numbers,
they more than make up for in fervor.
JOSH
What do they talk about?
DONNA
You. You on "Capitol Beat." You on "Meet the Press." You in "US News" and "World Report."
BONNIE
Well, there's also the section called "Sightings about Town."
DONNA
This is reserved for actual Josh encounters of the third kind. Most of which seem to have
taken place in restaurants and haberdasheries to which you've never been, unless you're
leading a double life, and I think we both know you're not that clever.
JOSH
LemonLyman.com.
DONNA
Right now, we're viewing the section devoted to the Josh Fantasy Date. This, it should
painfully self-explanatory, is where the women, and more then a few men I gotta say,
discuss what they would do with you if...
JOSH
All right, can everybody who doesn't work here, please go work where they work.
MARGARET
I want to work here now.
JOSH
You can get this at your own desk.
MARGARET
You better believe it.
DONNA
See you at lunch.
Margaret, Ginger and Bonnie leave.
DONNA
All right, you've got Senior Senior Staff at C.O.S., then Senior staff in the Roosevelt Room.
There's a meeting with the economic team to pre-brief for Fed Chair, and that's followed
immediately by Advance, State, and NSC to go over the next six months of foreign travel.
JOSH
Let me look at this thing.
He leans over Donna and tries to look at the web site on her computer.
DONNA
Josh...?
JOSH
Right. Yes. Let me know when C.J.'s briefing starts.
CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Leo is placing one of the glass globes back on the President's desk when Bartlet walks
in behind him.
BARTLET
Sorry I'm late.
LEO
Good morning, Mr. President.
BARTLET
We hearing from the Michigan delegation?
LEO
We will. They'll want assurances no mandates, no timetable, make the whole thing voluntary
and industry-led.
BARTLET
Polluters aren't going to write the environmental laws. What about the Energy's Workers Union?
LEO
They just want to know it's Saudi jobs we're after.
BARTLET
It is.
LEO
Look, the money's in raising the CAFE standards to 40 miles per gallon. That's the meeting
that's coming to my door.
BARTLET
What else?
LEO
You're going to be reprimanded tomorrow night on the house floor.
BARTLET
For what?
LEO
It's not nice to call people dumb.
BARTLET
Let me ask you something. You're pretty dumb, did you take offense? Look at that. I did it again.
CHARLIE
Mr. President?
BARTLET
Yeah?
CHARLIE
She's ready to start.
Leo and Bartlet begin to walk into the OUTER OVAL OFFICE.
LEO
Seriously, the GOP's lining up a bunch of people for order speeches.
BARTLET
Calling me impolite?
LEO
I guess.
NANCY
He's here. You can send her in.
LEO
Anyway, the Whip's got about a 150 Democrats ready to rebut. You have any special preferences?
BARTLET
I don't know. I guess the biggest names.
LEO
Know what we'd do if we were smart? We wouldn't send anybody. We'd look so good by not
showing up. Let them whine by themselves.
We pan from Leo and Bartlet to a TV set in the outer office where we see the press
briefing has begun.
REPORTERS (on T.V.)
Good morning, C.J..
C.J.
Good morning.
REPORTER 1 (on T.V.)
C.J., was the President saying that Governor Ritchie isn't up to the job of being President?
C.J.
The President didn't realize the camera was hot, and he said something he shouldn't have.
Something we all do from time to time.
LEO
Nice.
REPORTER 2 (on T.V.)
Isn't it a bit early in the season to be going negative?
C.J.
Yeah, again, he said something he shouldn't have and he wouldn't have if he knew it was
going to be for public consumption.
STUART (on T.V.)
C.J., has he made the same kind of remarks in private?
C.J.
There's a reason they call it private, Stuart.
BARTLET
All right, I'm going back to work.
LEO
All right.
Bartlet and Leo walk out of the room while the camera stays on the TV.
REPORTER (on T.V.)
C.J., is the President saying that he's smarter than Governor Ritchie?
C.J.
The voters get to make those kinds of judgments.
REPORTERS (on T.V.)
C.J.! C.J.!
C.J.
Yes?
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *
ACT TWO
FADE IN: INT. THE PRESS ROOM - DAY
TUESDAY
MARK
Governor Ritchie is calling on the President to apologize?
C.J.
Yes.
MARK
Will he?
C.J.
As I said yesterday, the President didn't realize the camera was hot and he said
something he shouldn't have. Katie?
KATIE
The Ritchie camp is also challenging the President to sign a pledge basically a promise
to run a positive, issue-oriented campaign.
C.J.
Well, for one thing, while the Governor is the presumptive Republican nominee, it's
presumptive. For that matter, so is the President's renomination. But more important
than that, the President has been a candidate in seven statewide and national elections
and every one of them has been a substantive, issued-based campaign, which is one of
several reasons why the voters have elected him each and every time his name has
appeared on a ballot. Phil?
PHIL
Were you aware that several news organizations have been trying to obtain Governor
Ritchie's transcripts from the University of Florida?
C.J.
You mean since yesterday?
PHIL
Yeah.
C.J.
No I wasn't.
PHIL
I guess my question is does the President feel college transcripts are an accurate
barometer of a person's fitness to hold a high public office?
C.J.
I've never asked him, but my guess is the President feels that a person's college
transcripts is a reasonable barometer of how a person did in college. [laughter]
For the record, the President graduated Summa Cum Laude from the University of
Notre Dame with a major in American Studies and a minor in theology. He received a
Masters and a Doctorate at the London School of Economics and an honorary Doctorate
in Humane Letters from Dartmouth University where he was a tenured professor.
CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Sam is standing outside of the Press Room watching C.J. conduct the briefing on a monitor.
C.J. [cont]
I myself attended Cal Berkeley, go Bears. Thank you very much, I'll talk to you later.
REPORTERS
Thank you, C.J.
Sam sighs as C.J. exits the Press Room. They walk.
SAM
All right, so far not bad.
C.J.
What's next?
SAM
Well, But Wachtell's in my office right now.
C.J.
Of course he is. Don't give him what he wants.
SAM
I'm told I seldom give anybody what they want.
C.J.
We cant hold a bipartisan summit on bipartisanism, we'll look ridiculous.
SAM
We're used to that, aren't we?
C.J.
Sam...
SAM
I'm not giving him what he wants.
C.J.
Is it me, or is Ritchie's people handling this wrong?
SAM
It's not you.
C.J.
Why keep it alive? There's no way for them to look good. The President was mean
to mean? Let it go.
SAM
By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whip your Cal Bears any day of the week.
C.J.
At what?
SAM
Logarithms, possibly.
C.J. walks away as Sam enters the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE.
GINGER
He's in your office.
SAM
Thank you.
CONGRESSMAN WACHTELL waits in SAM'S OFFICE as Sam walks in.
SAM
Congressman.
CONGRESSMAN WACHTELL
There's a heavy stench of partisanism in the air, Sam.
SAM
Actually, you know, they just sprayed for bugs.
WACHTELL
How in the hell did Ziegler let something like this happen?
SAM
Well, first of all, it wasn't Toby's fault, it was mine. And it happened quickly and
we regret it.
WACHTELL
How's reaction been so far?
SAM
Our base is very happy, but when our base is happy, there's usually trouble someplace else.
WACHTELL
The moderates are talking about bolting the party.
SAM
Nobody's bolting the party, it was an honest mistake. And, by the way, had nothing to do
with partisanism.
WACHTELL
Well, something has to be done.
SAM
There's very little that can be done from the Communications Office.
WACHTELL
A summit...
SAM
Congressman...
WACHTELL
A summit on bipartisan cooperation.
SAM
I can bring it up but it'll get laughed out of the room.
WACHTELL
Why?
SAM
It's an election year. We want to be partisan. We're trying to beat them.
WACHTELL
Well, I've got to be able to go back and tell my moderate friends something. What about
a Republican appointment, or promotion?
SAM
We've got Ainsley Hayes.
WACHTELL
That name sounds familiar.
SAM
She was Associate White House Counsel, got promoted to Deputy Counsel, and she's just
slightly to the right of the Kaiser.
WACHTELL
I'd make her visible right now.
SAM
Yes, sir, that's a good idea.
WACHTELL
And learn to tell the difference between red and green.
SAM
Yes, sir.
WACHTELL
Okay then.
As the congressman exits, Sam gets up from desk and walks back out to the COMMUNICATIONS
OFFICE.
SAM
Ginger... I need to see Ainsley.
GINGER
She's on vacation.
SAM
When's she coming back?
GINGER
Next week.
SAM
Mmm... Not so much, no.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY
JOSH
Donna!
DONNA
Yeah?
JOSH
Sit down we’re gonna post a response on the site.
DONNA
What site?
JOSH
LemonLyman...
DONNA
No.
JOSH
Yeah, we got to post a response to someone.
DONNA
It's a bad idea.
JOSH
Why?
DONNA
You don't know these people.
JOSH
Neither do you.
DONNA
Oh, yes, I do.
JOSH
What's wrong with them?
DONNA
Nobody knows.
JOSH
These are people taking a very healthy interest in government. They should be applauded.
DONNA
Then applaud them, but stay off the site.
JOSH
These are the people talking. I'm not an elitist.
DONNA
You are an elitist.
JOSH
I am an elitist, but I have respect for people who don't measure up.
DONNA
People on these sites tend to be a little hysterical.
JOSH
We've got to correct something.
DONNA
What?
JOSH
Irmatrude writes, "Three nights ago on Nightline Josh said, 'We'll be asking for a GAO
study of Medicare drug pricing.' Apparently, no one's told Josh that only Congress can
ask the GAO to do anything." First of all, how cool is that, that they know what the
GAO can and can't do?
DONNA
Oh, it's cool as all giddy up.
JOSH
Sit down.
DONNA
Please don't do this.
JOSH
Sit down. Irmatrude... Thanks for watching me on Nightline. Yes, I do know that only
Congress can instruct the GAO. When I said, "We'll be asking," I meant Democrats and
not the White House. Thank you for your concern, Josh "Lemon" Lyman.
DONNA
Are you sure you want to sign-off like that?
JOSH
It's playful.
DONNA
Okay.
JOSH
You could get more in the spirit of this, you know.
DONNA
The people.
JOSH
Yes.
DONNA
What Josh doesn't know is that some of these people haven't taken there medication.
Let's watch what happens now.
Toby knocks on Josh's office door.
TOBY
Excuse me.
JOSH
Hey! You're done.
TOBY
Is this tie all right?
JOSH
I'm sorry?
TOBY
This necktie, does it go with the jacket?
JOSH
God, I don't know Toby. The tie, is it red or is it green?
TOBY
Congratulations, you're the hundredth person to make that joke.
JOSH
The tie is fine, why?
TOBY
I'm meeting someone.
JOSH
When?
TOBY
Now. Excuse me.
Toby walks out to the NORTHWEST LOBBY. He approaches the U.S. POET LAUREATE TABITHA FORTIS,
who is waiting in a chair.
TOBY
Ms. Fortis?
TABITHA FORTIS
Yes.
TOBY
I'm Toby Ziegler.
TABITHA
I've been thinking a lot about it since you called.
TOBY
Yeah?
TABITHA
There's nothing that rhymes with Ziegler.
TOBY
That's why no one writes poetry about me.
TABITHA
They could do it in blank verse. Dylan could do it.
TOBY
Yeah, but he hasn't yet.
TABITHA
Am I, uh, really weird right off the bat?
TOBY
Do you want to be?
TABITHA
No.
TOBY
Then you're not.
TABITHA
I think you're just being nice.
TOBY
I think if you ask around, you'll discover that's unlikely. Do you want to come back
to my office?
TABITHA
Yeah.
They begin to walk.
TABITHA
Uh, so you know what everybody is talking about out there?
TOBY
The President's open-mike gaffe.
TABITHA
That is exactly what I was going to say.
Sam runs into them.
SAM
Toby...?
TOBY
Sam, say hello to the newly-minted United States Poet Laureate, Tabitha Fortis.
TABITHA
Hi.
SAM
Yes, indeed. Poetry, I must tell you...
TOBY
That's fine.
TABITHA
Nice meeting you.
SAM
You, too. [leaves]
TABITHA
You guys poetry fans around here?
TOBY
We can't get enough of it.
TABITHA
Oh, yeah, who's your favorite?
TOBY
You.
TABITHA
Nice.
They finally reach TOBY'S OFFICE.
TOBY
Come on in.
TABITHA
Nice office.
TOBY
Exactly 63 feet from the Oval Office. If you don't think we measure, you're out of
your mind. Okay. So. Hello.
TABITHA
How are you doing?
TOBY
We have a problem?
TABITHA
Yes.
TOBY
We have arranged a dinner in your honor. We've invited 300 important people, we've invited
the press, we've shined our shoes...
TABITHA
You've got to sign the land mine treaty, Toby.
TOBY
Whoa... What happened to the nuance of diplomacy?
TABITHA
Oh, sorry, the shoes are shined.
TOBY
No we-we're there now, you-you can't go back.
TABITHA
Sorry.
TOBY
Right.
TABITHA
142 countries have signed it, 84 have ratified, 12 destroyed there entire stock.
TOBY
Yes.
TABITHA
You know who hasn't signed it? Us and Cuba.
TOBY
You know who initiated it? Us. And the nations of the world rallied around it in yet
another impressive display of American leadership.
TABITHA
And then?
TOBY
We bolted.
TABITHA
Right.
TOBY
And the reason we did is because we love anti-personnel land mines. We love 'em. And we
think the government should be in the business of selling them, like the Post Office.
In fact, the Post Office is the sales venue we've been considering.
TABITHA
Toby. I-I got a...
TOBY
It's Korea. Tabitha. There are 900,000 North Korean soldiers in the DMZ, and the only
thing stopping them from walking into South Korea are 37,000 US troops, and about a
million land mines along the border. We have said over and over that we would be thrilled
to sign this treaty if we could have an exemption for South Korea and we have been rebuffed.
Rebuffed... I say.
TABITHA
Look, so we disagree on this... clearly, what's the big deal?
TOBY
Not a big deal at all.
TABITHA
Except?
TOBY
If you voice your disagreement at a party in your honor hosted by the President with the
press in attendance then it's a gigantic deal which travels the 63 feet right to this office.
TABITHA
All right then. I'm sorry we can't have the party. But I like talking to you. Yeah, you're
cute and, uh... I love the way you write.
FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *
ACT THREE
FADE IN: INT. THE PRESS ROOM - DAY
WEDNESDAY
The camera pans across C.J. on a TV set stopping on her at the podium.
ARTHUR (VO)
C.J., can you give it to us unvarnished? Was the President calling Governor Ritchie stupid?
C.J.
Oh, my God, day three!
ARTHUR
Was he?
C.J.
Well, I think this one may be unspinnable. That's certainly saying something coming from
my office. Yeah, he was calling him stupid.
BOBBI
How has his mood been in the last few days? Has he regretted it?
C.J.
He hasn't been able to feed or bathe himself.
Laughter
MARK
The Governor is kicking off a ten-state tour and his campaign has indicated they'll be
trying to rally the nation around his clean campaign pledge. I'm quoting a senior
campaign official now. "A different kind of politics is sweeping the nation, and once
the President understands the hearts and minds of the American people, he'll have no
choice but to sign the pledge.
C.J.
Mark, I swear to God, as soon as the President needs help understanding the hearts and
minds of the American people, he'll call the Republican Governor of Florida. But this
week, we're focused on tomorrow night's press conference wherein we unveil our national
strategy for energy independence. Speaking of which, this country has been dependent on
foreign oil for far too long. 65% of our crude oil reserves comes from the Gulf. Only
three percent here at home.
BOBBI
C.J.? Policy is the President's forte. Are you guys trying to bait Governor Ritchie into
an argument on energy 'cause you know you'll win?
C.J.
Yeah, well, we all tried to convince the President that talking about policy was just
plain unsportmanlike, but we didn't get anywhere. Listen, I've had a lot of fun, and I
know you have, too. I'll see you later.
ALL
Thank you C.J..
C.J. begins walking to the back of the press room, when Charlie walks up behind her.
CHARLIE
C.J.?
C.J. turns around.
C.J.
Chuckles.
They begin walking.
CHARLIE
The President would like another pre-brief and another run-through tonight after dinner.
C.J.
Sure.
CHARLIE
Full-blown run-through.
C.J.
Yeah.
CHARLIE
Maybe that can be when you can explain your problem with drilling ANWAR for oil.
C.J.
Huh?
CHARLIE
If we want to be energy independent, If we've been relying too long on foreign oil,
what's wrong with drilling Alaska for oil?
C.J.
It will do huge and lasting damage to the environment, and it would not, in the long run,
reap that much oil.
CHARLIE
It will have zero impact on the environment. And how do you know how much oil is down
there, until you explore?
C.J.
"Explore?"
CHARLIE
Yes.
They reach Carol's desk.
C.J.
You mean drill?
CHARLIE
That's how you get where the oil is at.
C.J.
You've been reading his book?
CHARLIE
Excuse me?
C.J.
"A Promise to Lead", Ritchie's book.
CHARLIE
Whoever ghosted it, isn't bad.
C.J.
Carol, would you put together a page on the environmental impact of drilling the Artic
National Wildlife Reserve?
CAROL
Yeah.
CHARLIE
Make sure you know exactly how many caribou we've made unhappy.
C.J.
Thank you.
CHARLIE
You bet.
CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - DAY
Sam is sitting down reading a paper when there is a knock at the door.
SAM
Come in.
Ainsley enters carrying luggage with a look of annoyance on her face.
SAM
Hey, welcome back.
AINSLEY
What?!
SAM
How was the vacation?
AINSLEY
It was 40 hours long.
SAM
Where'd you go?
AINSLEY
Hilton Head.
SAM
What'd you do?
AINSLEY
I unpacked, and then I packed.
SAM
By the way, congratulations. Babish is promoting you to deputy.
AINSLEY
When did this happen?
SAM
Right after I told Bill Wachtell that we already had.
AINSLEY
What the hell is going on?
Sam gets up and grabs Ainsley's luggage as they begin to walk to her office downstairs
in the basement.
SAM
Well, Monday morning, there was a little incident during the satellite interview.
AINSLEY
I read about it. How could you let something like that happen?
They stop in front of the staircase.
SAM
(sighs) Okay. For everybody who works outside the building, I'll fall on the sword.
But for everybody who works inside the building, I wasn't there!
AINSLEY
Okay.
They begin to walk down the stairs.
SAM
Didn't get much of a tan.
AINSLEY
What do you need?
SAM
Capitol Beat, Capitol Gang, Inside Politics.
AINSLEY
To say what?
SAM
The President isn't an elitist. He respects everyone.
AINSLEY
And that's why he made a Southern Republican who disagrees with him a deputy counsel.
They reach the BASEMENT HALLWAY.
SAM
Congratulations again, by the way.
AINSLEY
He is an elitist.
SAM
Uh-oh.
AINSLEY
It's elitist, geocentric, Ivy League snobbery to think if you haven't written six
journal articles on monetary support mechanisms, you're not fit to lead.
SAM
We're of the belief that if you're going to set policy, it'd be a bonus to understand it.
And at this point, we'd be astonished to discover that Ritchie had read as many as six
journal articles on anything other athletic support mechanisms.
AINSLEY
There's a difference between intellect and instinct.
They finally enter AINSLEY'S OFFICE.
SAM
252 million people in the country. You don't think we'd ought to be able to elect somebody
who's got both?
AINSLEY
I'm saying, Presidents can have good advisors.
SAM
Good advisors could better advise informed and curious Presidents.
AINSLEY
But what happens when Ivy League Presidents surround themselves with intellectual snobs?
SAM
All right. Let's clear up a couple of things, 'cause that's the second time you've invoked
the "Evil Eight". First of all, Notre Dame isn't a member of the Ivy League. They play
football as an independent. They play basketball in the Big East. Second, we're very
interested in education in this White House, so can you tell me what's wrong with the
Ivy League? Should we be discouraging parents from hoping there kids get into Princeton
and Yale and Dartmouth?
AINSLEY
All I know is, we got into Vietnam courtesy of the Beltway Chapter of the Harvard Alumni
Association.
Ainsley sits down behind her desk.
SAM
Yeah, except, that's not all you know because you're bright and you're curious and you
worked hard, and you got into Smith and you got your law degree where? Cambridge,
Massachusetts. You lose, I win. 'Twas ever thus.
AINSLEY
I was on vacation.
SAM
Life's tough in the aluminum siding business. Check the press office on your TV schedule.
AINSLEY
I will do the TV show's because I serve at the pleasure of the President, but I do not
want a promotion that I didn't earn.
SAM
I'll talk to Babish.
AINSLEY
Well, let me check out the pay differential first.
SAM
You bet.
CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY
Toby is putting on a jacket walking out into the hallway when C.J. calls him from behind.
C.J.
Toby?
TOBY
Yes.
C.J.
We've gone from one network carrying the press conference tomorrow night to four.
TOBY
Are you kidding?
C.J.
No.
TOBY
I guess we shouldn't be surprised.
They walk through the NORTHWEST LOBBY.
C.J.
No. Where are you going?
TOBY
Sightseeing.
C.J.
Really?
TOBY
Tabitha's never been to Washington.
C.J.
You going to get that thing done, or you want me to talk to her?
TOBY
It's going to be fine.
C.J.
You sure?
TOBY
She's a poet. She's new to things like consequences.
C.J.
Okay.
TOBY
All four networks...
They stop in the HALLWAY next to C.J.'s office.
C.J.
Listen, I have a crazy thought. Is it possible...?
TOBY
What?
C.J.
Hmm, never mind. I'll see you later.
C.J. walks into her office.
TOBY
Okay.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY
Josh is sitting at his desk looking at a computer screen.
JOSH
Donna?
DONNA (OS)
Yeah?
JOSH
Something weird has happened here.
Donna appears in doorway.
DONNA
Where?
JOSH
LemonLyman....
DONNA
No.
JOSH
They don't seem to be taking my response in the spirit in which it was intended.
DONNA
Yeah.
JOSH
Seems to be a very unusual social structure. For instance, there is leader who seems
to pride herself on her organizational skills and a certain amount of discipline.
DONNA
Right. That's what's called a control freak.
JOSH
[getting visibly upset] Well, she does seems to do an awful lot of scolding. "You've
posted in the wrong place. Stay on topic people. Don't use capital letters. I don't have
time to tell you twice," when clearly, she does have time to tell us twice. But that's
not the problem.
DONNA
No.
Josh clears his throat then begins to read a post on the LemonLyman Board.
JOSH
"Someone need to deal with Josh's planet-sized ego, by teaching him government 101.
Who made him overlord of the Democratic party?" And someone else writes, "Is Josh
delusional, or is he actively trying to destroy the separation of powers?"
DONNA
Well, are you?
Josh
No.
DONNA
Then turn off the computer, shut these people up, and let's go back to work.
JOSH
I think I need to clarify my original post.
DONNA
Josh, there's a primetime press conference tomorrow and a new energy policy that you
have spent months shepherding down the field, and now, on the one-yard line...
JOSH
Sit down in the chair.
DONNA
Has the pressure for you to get the energy package...?
JOSH
Sit down in the chair.
DONNA
I think you've gone 'round the bend.
JOSH
I'm dictating now. I don't think it falls under the category of "outrageous" to suggest
that I might have friends on the other end of the Avenue who have the phone number of
the GAO. Let me put this more plainly. The White House can get a GAO review of anything
it wants without posing a threat to the separation of powers. And I believe I'll use
capital, lowercase, or Sanskrit, right up until the moment the font police cuff me and
read me Miranda!
DONNA
That'll show them.
JOSH
See, I think these are good people, by and large, but they've come under the thumb of a
dictatorial ruler. So, as with a small, Central American country, my role is to incite
the people to topple her
DONNA
You're way round the bend. Can I get you a damp towel or something?
JOSH
No, but do we have any Yoo-Hoo?
DONNA
Yeah.
JOSH
I'll take one.
DONNA
I'm on it.
CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY
Toby approaches Tabitha.
TOBY
What are you doing?
TABITHA
Crossing off the FDR Memorial, the Atrium, and the Folger Library. I like crossing off
lists. It's very satisfying. You like lists?
TOBY
Yes.
TABITHA
You like crossing things off?
TOBY
I'll let you know if it happens.
TABITHA
Hey, how'd you know what hotel I was at?
TOBY
We have you watched when you're in D.C.
TABITHA
Are you serious?
TOBY
No.
TABITHA
Oh.
TOBY
We always have you watched.
TABITHA
Aha.
TOBY
So, you know what I was thinking might be fun?
TABITHA
If I came to the White House dinner and shut the hell up?
TOBY
That's not what I was going to say at all.
TABITHA
Oh, what were you going to say?
TOBY
If you came to the dinner, wore a beautiful dress, and shut the hell up.
TABITHA
(laughs) I got a list of nine former I-Corps Commanders who served in Korea, who say that
land mines aren't necessary to protect our troops anywhere.
TOBY
We're aware of all nine.
TABITHA
And we have, do we not, other weapons that are more effective and less deadly to our side.
That are already apart of the U.S. response plan to the North crossing the DMZ?
TOBY
I work in communications.
TABITHA
And land mines would actually slow a counter-invasion. You have an answer to any of this?
TOBY
The President of the United States requests the honor of your presence, and I'm sorry,
but you show up.
TABITHA
And I'm sorry, but I tell the truth.
TOBY
Not every minute of the damn day, Tabitha.
TABITHA
I've seen what I've seen. And I've been told what I've been told. And I have an audience
with the person who can do something about it. To smile for a photo op and recite 64
couplets on the American experience? That's treasonous.
TOBY
Can we stop with the drama?
TABITHA
Toby?
TOBY
Tabitha, you don't know what you're doing. This isn't kid's stuff. If you stand up in the
President's face, that's going to be the story, and nobody's going to care about what you
care about. Nobody is going to care about what you care about. And... It'll be bad... for
you, for us, for the land mines, everybody.
TABITHA
Can we just not talk for a minute?
TOBY
Yeah.
TABITHA
Yeah. I-I got to give a lecture tomorrow night at Georgetown. I just... I need to...
I need to not talk for a minute.
TOBY
Yeah.
CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
The President sits at his desk reading and singing.
BARTLET
(singing)
Another sky
Another June
Another something that rhymes with June
Another reason, another season
For making... (stops singing) Wait a sec.
CHARLIE
Yeah. "Sunny honeymoon" is what you were looking for.
BARTLET
No, wait a sec. He's absolutely right. Hang on.
He puts down the paper he was reading, gets up, and knocks on the door to LEO'S OFFICE,
and enters where Leo is having a meeting with several staffers.
BARTLET
Excuse me. I'm sorry for interrupting. No, no, keep your seats. Leo? You're absolutely right.
LEO
About what?
BARTLET
We shouldn't show up. Tell the Whip we want to yield all our time. While they're going
in front of the cameras complaining about me making fun of Ritchie, the Democrats will
be caucusing on literacy and tuition tax credits. We want to yield all our time.
LEO
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Thank you.
Bartlet walks back to his office.
FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *
ACT FOUR
FADE IN: INT. THE PRESS ROOM - NIGHT
THURSDAY, 8:00 P.M.
The camera pans from C.J. at the podium all round the room, and then back to C.J.
C.J.
The President will begin his press conference at nine, or more accurately, the walk down
the red carpet will happen at 9:01:30, per the network's request. He'll deliver an opening
statement on his National Strategy for Energy Independence, we expect that'll last about
15 minutes, and then the President will take questions for 45 minutes.
REPORTER
C.J.? A senior official in the communications office of the Ritchie campaign said if the
President thinks his candidate is stupid, he should just come right out and say so.
We see C.J. on the monitor beside him as he speaks.
C.J.
Really?
REPORTER
[nodding] Really.
CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The camera pans from C.J. on the monitor around to Sam, casually lying back on the couch
with his feet up as he watches.
C.J. (VO)
Let's start a pool to guess how long the senior communications official is going to keep his
job if once a day he suggests we call his candidate stupid. Somebody's got to step in and
stop this fight 'cause we're the only ones scoring points, and we're not even playing. Mark?
The camera pans further to reveal Ainsley sitting close to the monitor, also watching.
SAM
She's got a point there.
AINSLEY
[turning to look at him] Does it concern you that the smartest Presidents have been the worst?
SAM
I don't grant your premise, but...
AINSLEY
John Quincy Adams was so full of himself, he could hardly build a coalition around having
eggs for breakfast. How many grand theories of international relations did Wilson come up
with that were dead on the arrival in Congress?
SAM
I don't care.
AINSLEY
Why?
SAM
Because before I look for anything, I look for a mind at work. Nobody's saying the President
needs to have a tenured chair in semiotics, but you have to have...
AINSLEY
What?
SAM
Gravitas.
AINSLEY
[leaning forward] And how do you measure that?
SAM
You don't, but we know it when we see it, and Republicans tend to mock it when they do.
You think I'm wrong?
AINSLEY
I do not.
SAM
No you don't, and the way I know you don't is I saw you say so on television.
Toby appears in the doorway, still in his coat.
SAM
Hey, Toby.
Ainsley stands up.
TOBY
Why are you here?
SAM
The TV isn't working in my office.
TOBY
[to Ainsley] You did good on TV.
AINSLEY
Thanks. I'll be in my office.
Toby stands aside to let her through the door as she leaves, the sound of her holiday
flip-flops clearly audible. Toby heads past Sam, who is now sitting up, to his desk.
SAM
How's it going with the poet?
TOBY
I'm not sure.
SAM
Does she have a strong history of activism?
TOBY
She has no history of activism. She said something yesterday, when I was with her, she said-
she was talking about land mines - she said, "From everything I've seen and everything I've
been told..."
SAM
You think she's getting some pressure?
TOBY
[shrugging] I don't-
Ginger knocks on door.
GINGER [OS]
Toby?
TOBY
[turns to her] Yeah.
GINGER
It's someone from Georgetown University. I think there's a problem.
Toby takes this in.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - NIGHT
Josh walks past Donna then notices her and comes back.
JOSH
The Internet people have gone crazy.
DONNA
[sarcastically] You're kidding.
The two of them start to walk together.
JOSH
They're calling the GAO "General Josh's Standing Army", and saying I don't understand
it's mandate and purpose. They're saying if I could get a review of anything I want,
that I should start by reviewing the job of Deputy C.O.S. Then one guy compares me to
a poor man's Clark Clifford, and a page and a half of posts, debating whether or not
I was mocking Egyptians with the Sanskrit reference.
They come to a halt.
DONNA
[snappishly] I told you they were hysterical.
JOSH
I thought you meant they were funny.
DONNA
They're not.
They start walking again, voices rising.
JOSH
I know they're not! It's "Lord of the Flies" in there.
DONNA
Well, who invited you in the first place?
JOSH
It's got my name on it. Look, I don't want to hear about it anymore. [glances at his watch]
We got an energy plan in ten minutes. I'm gonna...
He starts to walk away, and C.J. comes up the HALLWAY behind him.
C.J.
Oh Josh!
JOSH
Yeah?
He turns and waits as she walks towards him.
C.J.
The Federal Page of the Washington Post just called Carol to confirm that you're the
Josh Lyman who stated on an Internet website that the White House could order a GAO
review on anything it wants.
JOSH
Without threatening the separation of powers is what I was saying.
C.J.
You posted on a web site?
Donna emerges from a door behind C.J., and they exchange a look.
JOSH
I was communicating with the people.
C.J.
Really?
Josh is momentarily distracted watching Donna walk past him into his office. Then he
steps closer to C.J. and speaks in a hushed voice.
JOSH
C.J., it's a... crazy place. It's got this dictatorial leader, who I'm sure wears a muumuu
and chain smokes Parliaments. [makes a smoking gesture with his fingers]
C.J.
What did you go there for in the first place?
JOSH
It's called LemonLyman.com.
C.J. gives him a pointed shove in the direction of his office. They walk a few paces and
stop outside the doorway.
C.J.
Let me explain something to you, this is sort of my field. The people on these sites?
They're the cast of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."
Donna picks up her jacket inside the office and walks out between the two of them.
C.J. [cont]
The muumuu wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy,
the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in there with your card games
and your fishing trips...
JOSH
[shrugging defensively] I didn't swoop in, I came in exactly the same way everybody else did.
C.J.
Well, now I'm telling you to open the ward room window and climb on out before they give you
a pre-frontal lobotomy, and I have to smother you with a pillow.
Josh regards her in silence for a moment.
JOSH
You're Chief Brom-
C.J.
I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press
office to that web site. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they
discover you've been there, I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass...
Josh looks down at the floor.
C.J.
What?
JOSH
[with a slight shrug] Well... technically, I outrank you.
C.J.
[shouting] So far up your ass!
JOSH
[quickly] Okay.
C.J.
Okay?
JOSH
How you doing?
C.J.
Are we ready?
JOSH
[nods] We are.
C.J.
I believe we are. You want to walk over?
He hesitates, then turns to walk with her.
JOSH
[calling out] Donna, let's go, it's time.
CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE A LECTURE HALL - NIGHT
The camera pans past a large signboard which says "Tabitha Fortis Poet Laureate Lectures
Tonight at 9:00 P.M." to Toby as he approaches. He spots two people.
TOBY
Excuse me?
MAN
Are you Mr. Ziegler?
TOBY
What happened?
MAN
Well, she was giving her lecture, and then towards the end something... I don't know.
I think she's okay, but I asked her if there was anyone I could call.
TOBY
Where is she?
WOMAN
[gesturing over her shoulder] She's sitting out on the steps.
TOBY
Okay. Thanks.
MAN
Mm-hmm.
Toby walks past and then pauses and turns back.
TOBY
Was there any press there tonight?
MAN
For a poetry lecture?
TOBY
Right.
Toby walks off.
CUT TO: EXT. SQUARE OUTSIDE LECTURE HALL - CONTINUOUS
Toby walks past a large fountain toward where Tabitha sits facing away from him at the
top of the steps. She doesn't look up until he's right beside her. They exchange a look,
and then he sits down next to her. The sound of the fountain is loud in the background.
TABITHA
[after a moment] There was a man in Banja Luka that I met. He took his son and I...
to go fishing in the Sava River. And the little boy, uh... hooked a piece of garbage...
and when he tried to take it off the line, it blew him up. Right in front of his father,
and, uh... right in front of me.
TOBY
What happened tonight?
Tabitha sighs heavily.
TABITHA
Um... I decided to highlight poets who were never chosen Poet Laureate 'cause they were
too rebellious. Adrienne Rich, Anne Sexton, Allen Ginsberg and I went into "Howl." I know
"Howl" like you know voting districts. "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed
by madness, starving, hysterical, naked, dragging themselves through..." and then, uh...
TOBY
What?
TABITHA
I couldn't remember any more. I couldn't, uh... You know, I-I couldn't remember any more.
[beat] You think I think that an artist's job is to speak the truth. An artist's job...
is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention. If we stumble into
truth, we got lucky, and I don't get to decide what truth is. What you said about South
Korea makes sense, you know, uh, people know more then I do. I... I shouldn't be uh...
you know... I write poetry, Toby, that's how I enter the world. [beat] I was thinking
maybe, you know... I-I don't if you could do this, but... I was thinking if I could get
a few minutes alone with the President, so that could tell him what I saw in Banja Luka?
[beat] Then it wouldn't have to be a thing, you know, at the dinner... in there I could,
uh... I have 64 couplets on the American experience that I think might be appropriate.
TOBY
Yeah, we can do that.
Toby reaches for a pocket inside of his coat and pulls out a small notepad. He flips
through the pages and shows it to Tabitha.
TOBY
What's that say?
TABITHA
[reading] "Meet Tabitha Fortis".
Toby produces a pen and crosses her name off of the list. Tabitha chuckles.
TOBY
I have to be at a press conference.
TABITHA
Right.
CUT TO: INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDORS - NIGHT
People bustle about, looking busy. C.J. and Charlie pass by, Charlie reading a document
as he walks.
C.J.
So as a matter of cold fact, Chipper, you'll see that it's the Porcupine Caribou, and
ANWARS's their calving ground, and you can't put a price tag on that, but that's hardly
the point.
Charlie turns back the top page to read.
CHARLIE
36 species of fish, 36 land mammals, 160 different bird species. [closes the document]
I admit, this is a lot of wildlife.
They come to a halt.
C.J.
Well, forget the wildlife, it hurts flesh and blood subsistence hunters in the area,
changes migratory patterns in ways we don't even understand, increases freezing depths
of rivers and lakes...
CHARLIE
And the emissions from drilling.
C.J.
Welcome home, it'll cause pollutant haze and acid rain, and all this in exchange for?
CHARLIE
Not a lot of oil to begin with.
Bartlet and Leo approach together.
BARTLET
All right, here we go. What time is it?
CHARLIE
Nine o'clock, sir.
LEO
[to Bartlet] We'll see you inside.
BARTLET
[to the room] Thank you, everyone.
Everybody heads off in different directions, and Bartlet looks back as C.J. walks past.
BARTLET
C.J.?
She heads back towards him.
C.J.
Yes, sir?
BARTLET
I've been meaning to tell you, you've done really well this week with the open-mike thing.
C.J.
Thank you.
He slips on his glasses and looks up at her.
BARTLET
Didn't turn out too bad.
C.J.
No sir, it didn't turn out too bad at all. In fact, the whole country's talking about
whether Ritchie's smart enough to be President. And you didn't take hit, 'cause it was an
accident. You know, it occurs to me that even your choice of language was interesting.
"A .22 caliber mind, in a .357 magnum world." That's unusual for you, a gun metaphor.
Bartlet doesn't look up, seeming to be engrossed in whatever he's reading.
C.J. [cont]
Toby mentioned to me that when each interview was over, all the interviewers wanted to
talk to you about was Ritchie, and you took a pass each time. Until Philadelphia.
Now Bartlet slowly looks up at her.
C.J. [cont]
Mr. President, is it possible you saw that the green light was on?
He slips the glasses off and gives her an unreadable look.
ANNOUNCER [VO]
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
C.J. smiles.
C.J.
That was Old School.
He turns back to look at her.
C.J.
Go knock 'em dead.
Bartlet walks away from her towards the microphones as cameras flash. He reaches the
bank of microphones, and nods to his audience.
DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *
The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.
Episode 3.16 -- "The U.S. Poet Laureate"
Original Airdate: March 27, 2002, 9:00 PM EST
Transcript by: Ck1Tzar and Nomad
October 8, 2002