THE WEST WING
"STIRRED"
TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN & ELI ATTIE
STORY BY: DEE DEE MYERS
DIRECTED BY: JEREMY KAGAN
TEASER
MAN 1 [VO]
"We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. We made a list of all persons we had
harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."
FADE IN: INT. DIMLY LIT ROOM - NIGHT
Seven middle aged men are gathered around a table. They have just started an A.A. meeting,
and the meeting chair is reading aloud to the group.
MAN 1 [cont.]
"We made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure
them or others. We continued to take personal inventory. When we were wrong, promptly
admitted it."
Sitting next to the man, Leo reaches for his coffee mug and sips a little from his drink.
At the same time, the door opens, and John Hoynes walks in. Leo nods to him before Hoynes
gets his own coffee, and goes to sit.
MAN 1 [cont.]
"We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we
understood Him. As we understood Him. [clears throat] Praying only for knowledge of His
will for us and the power to carry that out. Having had a spiritual awakening as the
result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these
principles in all our affairs." Okay. I haven't chaired in a while. What do we do next?
MAN 3
Now is when we usually start drinking.
MAN 1
Okay.
MAN 2
Actually, I want to talk about something before we start.
MAN 1
If you're gonna try and get my committee to fund that idiot-ass airplane that can't fly...
MAN 2
It can fly.
MAN 1
That's right. It just can't land.
MAN 4
Small price to pay to be able to fly.
MAN 2
No, I wanted to talk about Leo.
LEO
I'll fund the plane, but I'm not gonna fly on it.
MAN 2
Well, I've been wondering for a while if it's a good idea that Leo keeps coming to these
meetings.
LEO
Why?
MAN 2
Look, every meeting's for anybody. You don't have a password at the door. Just walk in
and sit down. Except, where anonymity is crucial, even among other alcoholics. Commercial
airline pilots, surgeons and us.
MAN 1
Right.
MAN 2
Well, Leo's out. He got outed. And I'm wondering if it's wise that he's leaving a trail
of bread crumbs in this room every Thursday night when he could go to any meeting...
MAN 1
Yeah, but he can't go to any meeting. There'd be photographers camped out at the door.
MAN 2
I don't know any meeting where there aren't six guys that wouldn't beat the crap out of
anybody...
MAN 3
Yeah, that's what we want.
MAN 2
Yeah, so I think we should consider this...
HOYNES
Guys... my meeting. Leo stays.
MAN 1
[pause] There it is. Know what I forgot? [reads] "What we see here, what we say here,
what we hear here, stays here."
ALL
Here, here.
MAN 1
Anybody want to start?
HOYNES
I will. I'm John. I'm an alcoholic.
ALL
Hi, John.
SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER.
* * *
ACT ONE
FADE IN: INT. THE WEST WING - NIGHT
THURSDAY
10:30 P.M.
Sam and Josh meet in the hallway. They walk.
SAM
You wanted me?
JOSH
You guys go out?
SAM
Toby had Capitals tickets.
JOSH
Good game?
SAM
You know what I'd do if I... No, it wasn't. You know what I'd do if I owned a hockey
team? I'd hire a sumo wrestler. I'd give him a uniform, transportation, 500 bucks a week
to sit in the goal, eat a ham sandwich, and enjoy the game. My team would never get
scored on.
JOSH
Your team would get scored on constantly.
SAM
Maybe, but we'd sell a few tickets.
JOSH
Yeah, 'cause sumo wrestling sells out all the time in big hockey towns.
SAM
My idea's totally inviable?
JOSH
Well, you're a Democrat. It's a pretty big club.
They had stopped by JOSH'S OFFICE. Now, they walk in.
SAM
What did you need?
JOSH
Uh, health, education and welfare is marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow.
SAM
Tomorrow?
JOSH
Yeah.
SAM
And they told us when?
JOSH
An hour ago. They're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund.
SAM
That's the Vice President's thing.
JOSH
You want to know for how long? I was working for him when he created it.
SAM
Does he know?
JOSH
No.
SAM
What do you think he's gonna say when you tell him?
JOSH
I think he's gonna say, "Josh, you look remarkably like Sam Seaborn."
SAM
I could think of a lot of people who are better suited to this than I am.
JOSH
Who?
SAM
Leo.
JOSH
Leo says you.
SAM
Why didn't he say you?
JOSH
I don't have the best relationship with Hoynes, and neither does Leo.
SAM
I don't understand. You just go in there and say, "I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President. It
isn't gonna happen. Don't you think he's gonna be miffed if it comes from the Deputy
Communications Director?
JOSH
Well, we don't want you to say I'm sorry. We want you to work with him and save the bill.
SAM
Oh, all right. When?
JOSH
His office is expecting you in 20 minutes.
SAM
What about the meeting?
JOSH
My meeting?
SAM
Yeah.
JOSH
You'll come late.
SAM
You still don't want to tell me what it's about?
JOSH
No big deal. You'll find out when you get there.
SAM
All right. [exits]
JOSH
Thank you.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - CONTINUOUS
Donna is busy typing at her desk. Josh walks out of his office.
JOSH
I've lost my binder from National Strategies.
DONNA
The blue one?
JOSH
The black one with the secret launch codes.
DONNA
It'll turn up.
JOSH
I also need the Cabinet Affairs amplification report, and if you can get th AP farm guy
back online, I'm almost sure Toby gave me a punchier quote on Ag reorganization.
DONNA
I shall do those things.
JOSH
You 'shall'?
DONNA
I shall, and I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange.
JOSH
How about a weekly salary of some kind?
DONNA
Yes, plus a favor.
JOSH
Name it.
DONNA
It's a big favor.
JOSH
What do you need?
DONNA
I had an English teacher in the 12th grade named Molly Morello, and she was one of those
teachers, and she's retiring.
JOSH
For me, it was Mr. Feig for American History AP and Con Law.
DONNA
Right. Unusual as it may seem, we're talking about me.
JOSH
And the big favor you want?
DONNA
All right. Tell me about Mr. Feig.
JOSH
No. I think that moment's done, except to say that he meant the whole world to me, and
he died four years ago.
They start to walk.
DONNA
Okay, well, Mrs. Morello is retiring.
JOSH
Not quite as bad as dying.
DONNA
How hard is it to get a Presidential Proclamation?
JOSH
Molly Morello Day?
DONNA
I was hoping for Molly Morello Month, but I should be realistic.
JOSH
Yes.
DONNA
And that would be Molly Morello Day?
JOSH
That would be a nice letter from the principal.
DONNA
Oh, come on, get him to sign a piece of paper, a little proclamation.
JOSH
A little piece of paper? Proclamations have the full force of law. The Emancipation
Proclamation, to name just one.
DONNA
To name the only one.
JOSH
Listen. I-I don't know what's involved with these things. Probably have advisory boards,
commissions, the NATO commander's involved, prossibly.
DONNA
Can I find out what's involved?
JOSH
Yeah, but find me the blue notebook first.
DONNA
Yeah.
JOSH
I'm going to the meeting now.
Donna walks off with a big smile on her face.
CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFFICE - NIGHT
Sam walks in and heads for TOBY'S OFFICE. Toby is inside.
SAM
Got a minute?
TOBY
If I said no, would it stop you?
SAM
No. NEAP figures are out today.
TOBY
Okay.
SAM
They're up.
TOBY
So instead of trailing 18 third world countries in reading and math, we trail how many?
SAM
Up's better than down. Either way, it's news. The Education Secretary ought to make a
statement.
TOBY
Tomorrow's no good. We've got half a dozen events on the books.
SAM
We keep saying education is out number one priority.
TOBY
And tomorrow, we're trying to make news on five of our other number one priorities.
Don't you have a meeting?
SAM
Two meetings, actually.
TOBY
Oh, I'll check the calendar.
SAM
Up's better than down.
TOBY
Where to find a chisel and a stone tablet.
Sam walks away. Toby goes out to see Ginger, who is at her desk, flipping pages.
TOBY
I need to know what the Cabinet's doing tomorrow.
Ginger nods to him, but continues to page through the papers.
TOBY
Ideally, sometime before tomorrow.
GINGER
[stands and picks up a clipboard] 10:30, Drug Czar on border control, noon, HUD Secretary
on home ownership loans, also noon, technical briefing at ONDCP on...
TOBY
Is it... Go back. What's at noon?
GINGER
ONDCP technical...
TOBY
No, the Housing Secretary.
GINGER
Home Ownership Loans, at the HUD Event Stage. [Toby reacts.] Something wrong?
TOBY
Page the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. I want to see him in my office.
GINGER
When?
TOBY
Look at my face.
GINGER
Now.
TOBY
I'm in the Roosevelt Room.
GINGER
Want me to pull you out when...?
TOBY
Please. [exits hastily]
CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Bartlet is sitting on Charlie's desk, working on his computer. Charlie is looking over
his shoulder.
BARTLET
Okay. We're e-filing the old 1040A. You're single, head of your household, Deanna's a
dependent, your adjusted gross income is $35,000 per annum.
CHARLIE
Sir, I could do most of this myself.
BARTLET
I love doing this.
CHARLIE
Really?
BARTLET
Yeah.
CHARLIE
Filing tax returns?
BARTLET
Yeah.
CHARLIE
Okay.
BARTLET
What?
CHARLIE
I was just thinking about the plurality of Americans who made the decision to pull a
lever that had your name next to it.
BARTLET
Suckers. Okay. Your mom's Social Security pension benefits is $1536. Police pension $2400.
CHARLIE
And here's where my question is.
BARTLET
"Do you take standard deduction, or do you itemize?"
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Did you make any charitable donations?
CHARLIE
$500 to the First Baptist Church, $185 to the Salvation Army in clothing and household
items, $500 to the Police Benevolent Soceity of Washington, D.C., and $250 to Big
Brothers and Sisters of Washington, D.C.
BARTLET
Really?
CHARLIE
Yeah. Plus $430 in non-reimbursed medical expenses.
BARTLET
[after typing] You're better off with the standard deduction.
CHARLIE
Okay.
BARTLET
I'm hitting 'send' now. If you're lying about any of this, you're going to the joint.
CHARLIE
Yeah.
BARTLET
It's gonna tell us what your refund is, but I've done a quick calculation, and it'll be
$700.
CHARLIE
That's what I got too.
BARTLET
You spent it already, haven't you?
CHARLIE
I'm getting a scan DVD player with MP3 playback. Free shipping and tax, it's $499, which
will leave enough leftover to buy a great DVD I found on E-bay.
BARTLET
Yeoman of the Guard?
CHARLIE
Oh, how well you know me, Mr. President. On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
BARTLET
Can I tell you what's messed up about James Bond?
CHARLIE
Nothing.
BARTLET
Shaken not stirred will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The
reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a
weak martini and being snooty about it.
CHARLIE
Well, I'll reflect on that while watching my digital enhanced picture with theater
quality sound.
The computer beeps. The results came back.
BARTLET
Okay.
CHARLIE
$700?
BARTLET
400.
CHARLIE
I'm only getting $400 back?
BARTLET
You owe $400.
CHARLIE
They're saying I owe the Federal government money?
BARTLET
And you don't even need a stamp. Hand it over.
CHARLIE
There must be a mistake.
BARTLET
Whatever. Hand it over.
CHARLIE
There's no way I owe money.
BARTLET
That's not quite how we see it.
CHARLIE
Can I sit down there, please?
BARTLET
Sure.
Bartlet stands, and Charlie sits, just as C.J. comes in.
C.J.
Good evening, Mr. President.
BARTLET
You need me?
C.J.
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Let's go inside. [calls] Milo, Coop, would you help Mr. Young find his pockets, please?
CHARLIE
I'm fine. There's been a mistake.
Milo and Coop, two Secret Service agents on duty, loom over Charlie as he works on his
tax returns. Bartlet and C.J. enter THE OVAL OFFICE.
C.J.
I'm sorry to come straight to you, but Leo's unavailable right now. You should be getting
a call from the Energy Secretary any minute.
BARTLET
What happened?
C.J.
The wire service is reporting that a heavy-haul vehicle carrying depleted uranium fuel
rods crashed in the Seven Devil Mountains in Idaho.
BARTLET
It crashed?
C.J.
It was hit head-on by another truck, in the Goldfield Tunnel on Route 234.
BARTLET
Are there populated areas nearby?
C.J.
Elk Horn's about 20 miles away with a population of 20,000.
BARTLET
Charlie?
CHARLIE
[walking in] The Energy Secretary's on the phone.
BARTLET
Conference in the Chief with the Radiological Assistance Team.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Charlie, get me Fitzwallace, Nancy McNally, and let the senior members of the NSC know
I might need them tonight.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir. [exits]
C.J.
Thank you, Mr. President. [exits]
BARTLET
[picks up the phone] Yeah.
CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
C.J. walks out to the hallway into the Roosevelt Room. Several staffers, including Josh,
Toby and Ed, are inside for the meeting.
C.J.
A truck carrying depleted uranium fuel rods just crashed in Idaho 20 miles from a
populated town.
JOSH
Well, what's happening right now?
C.J.
The President's talking to Tommy about the radiation threat, and he's talking to some
National Security people.
LARRY
[walking in] There's a problem.
C.J.
I'm just telling them.
LARRY
It was a 24-ton Type B light cask holding spent fuel rods from the nuclear carrier Truman.
ED
Does 24-ton Type B mean anything to anybody?
LARRY
It's a heavy truck. You got to hit it with another heavy truck.
TOBY
Why National Security?
C.J.
What?
TOBY
You said he was also talking to National Security People.
C.J.
Two trucks in a completely deserted area, and they just happen to crash into each other?
I'd want to talk to somebody at least.
JOSH
All right. Listen, postpone the meeting. [stands]
TOBY
No, let's do it.
JOSH
It's gonna be all night.
TOBY
When we get pulled out, we get pulled out.
JOSH
It doesn't really seem appropriate right now.
TOBY
You spent a long night with Bruno last night.
JOSH
Yeah, and Bruno spent a long night with Doug the night before.
C.J.
And?
JOSH
There's no electoral math they can come up with. None. That says it's not worth exploring
replacing the Vice President on the ticket.
The room falls silent. C.J. sits slowly.
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *
ACT TWO
FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT
The meeting continues.
TOBY
Not five months ago, in this room I'd said-I joked--that if we win re-election it was
going to be on the Vice-President's coattails. The way I'm sure I said it is that it was
leaked. How has the electoral math changed since then?
JOSH
By the way... the group of people were chosen because they're the people Leo wanted to
hear from tonight but also, because he was confident their wouldn't be a leak and I hope
we live up to that.
TOBY
How has the math changed?
JOSH
Bruno doesn't think that Hoynes buys us Texas with Ritchie in the race. If we loose Texas
this time, we loose Florida this time, that's a third of the electoral votes we need to
win. There's a reason the Republicans are nominating this man.
C.J.
Who does?
JOSH
What?
C.J.
Who does win Texas for us?
JOSH
Nobody, we're loosing Texas.
TOBY
Wait a second, before we go on to who does win Texas.
C.J.
I was just saying...
TOBY
We've been talking about this for a minute and 17 sec and we're already discussing new
candidates?
C.J.
I was saying that if no ones going to win us Texas then why change it all?
JOSH
Can I make it clear that nobody's advocating anything?
TOBY
Bruno and Doug are.
JOSH
Bruno asked for a discussion.
LARRY
What was the answer to C.J.'s question?
TOBY
The Northeast, the Pacific coast and the industrial Northwest.
JOSH
Yeah. If we don't have Florida and Texas it'd mean we'd have to sweep those three.
JOSH
Yeah.
ED
And he thinks Hoynes hurts us there?
JOSH
He thinks someone else could help us more.
C.J.
Did he say who?
JOSH
Yes.
C.J.
Who?
JOSH
Fitzwallace. He said Fitzwallace, Toby. And when you think about it...
TOBY
Yeah.
LEO
[enters] Josh.
JOSH
Yeah.
Josh leaves the room with Leo into the HALLWAY, then into LEO'S OFFICE.
LEO
How's it going in there?
JOSH
Ah... you know... we're just starting.
LEO
Well make sure you get creative. Get people thinking even though you know it's...
JOSH
Yeah.
LEO
I'm going to go in there alone for a minute.
CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Knocking on the door and Leo enters.
BARTLET
Hey.
LEO
I was just briefed. They're setting up a joint operations command in Elks Horn. I wish
I'd been here a half hour ago.
BARTLET
What would you have done a half hour ago that hasn't already been done?
LEO
I'd have known a half hour ago what I know now. This is exactly why I'm not going to my
meeting anymore--it's a luxury.
BARTLET
I know. If only technology could invent some way to get in touch with you in an
emergency. Some sort of telephonic device with a personalized number we could call to let
you know that we needed you. Perhaps it would look something like this, Mr. Moto!
[reaches into Leo's back pocket and pulls out a pager]
LEO
You should've called me.
BARTLET
Would you stop?
LEO
All right. Obviously we're coordinating with the governor's office and state FEMA in
Boise.
BARTLET
You know I've noticed that other people keep a set of comfortable clothes in their office
for when they have to work late. I like that -- you should do that too.
LEO
I do do that.
BARTLET
Oh. You should change.
LEO
You see me wearing a necktie?
BARTLET
Never mind.
LEO
Can I have my pager back?
Bartlet tosses it to him over his back
LEO
The hazard assessment by the RAD team is good. No airborne release of cesium isotopes.
No gamma or neutron radiation readings.
BARTLET
But?
LEO
Both trucks are still burning. The fire commander's pulling out his men and equipment
as soon as possible.
BARTLET
I'm pretty sure he's right.
LEO
Yeah these things haven't tested for tunnel fires. They're built to withstand 1,475
Fahrenheit for 30 minutes but apparently a train tunnel in Baltimore burned at 1,500.
BARTLET
Yeah, Leo?
LEO
Yes sir.
BARTLET
I knew this a half hour ago.
LEO
Right.
BARTLET
This whole night I'm going to be a half hour smarter than you.
LEO
Ok. So you know about the other truck.
BARTLET
[surprised] No.
LEO
It was stolen from a rest stop outside of Glen's Ferry two weeks ago.
BARTLET
The driver's dead?
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
Arab?
LEO
No. He's Garry Vernon Clarke.
BARTLET
Is that his name or is that what we think it is right now?
LEO
[nods] Looks like it was an accident.
BARTLET
In what happens to be the most dangerous and unanticipated situation for the
transportation of nuclear waste.
LEO
Yes.
BARTLET
[sighs] What's that meeting next door?
LEO
Don't worry about it.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT
JOSH
Did I leave a folder called "Southeast Targets and..."
Donna comes up from behind and hands him the folder.
JOSH
Thank you.
They begin to walk.
DONNA
I've been putting together a folder of my own. All the things that need to be done in
order for the President to issue a proclamation.
JOSH
What has to be done?
DONNA
Let me check... Nothing.
JOSH
Donna.
DONNA
Nothing has to be done.
JOSH
He can't just issue a proclamation.
DONNA
He can.
JOSH
No I'm saying he can't just because you want him to. What's next, executive clemency if
you're having a bad hair day?
DONNA
I never have a bad hair day and Molly Morello was a public school teacher for 41 years.
JOSH
Which is nice but these things are for important causes, not individual perks for
staffers.
DONNA
National Digestive Diseases Awareness Week.
JOSH
When was that?
DONNA
Right now. It began after General Pulaski Memorial Day.
JOSH
Look, if you're going to mock the dead...
DONNA
February was National Sewing Month, by the way.
JOSH
It's still the President's name and reputation. We haven't vetted this woman.
DONNA
You're saying that if she's a lesbian...
JOSH
If she were a lesbian we could talk. I'm saying what if she's a bicycle thief?
DONNA
I doubt that she's...
JOSH
Don't doubt it. Know it. Do a Google search, then talk to me.
CUT TO: INT. THE VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Sam is waiting inside. Hoynes walks in.
HOYNES
Sorry, you've been waiting a while?
SAM
Good evening, sir. No, that's fine.
HOYNES
I got held up at a poker game.
SAM
I love poker.
HOYNES
I heard you had Caps tickets.
SAM
Yes, sir.
HOYNES
How was the game?
SAM
Not very good.
HOYNES
Have you ever seen a good hockey game?
SAM
No.
HOYNES
Me neither. I love sports, I just can't get next to hockey. See, I think Americans like
to savour situations. One down, bottom of the ninth, one run game, first and third, left
handed batter, right hand reliever, infield at double play depth, here's the pitch. But
scoring in hockey seems to come out of nowhere. The play-by-play guy is always shocked.
LePeiter passes to Huckenchuck who skates past the blue line. Huckenchuck, of course,
was traded from Winnipeg for a case of Labatts after sitting out last season with...
"Oh my God, he scores!" So, what's going on?
SAM
[sighs] They're marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow.
HOYNES
Tomorrow?
SAM
Yes sir, and they're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund.
HOYNES
Tomorrow?
SAM
Yes, sir. We only heard about it tonight.
HOYNES
We're going to save this thing.
SAM
That's what I'm here for.
HOYNES
It's only $52 million.
SAM
It's going to be embarrassing.
HOYNES
75% of the poorest Americans don't have Internet access. 60% of Blacks and Hispanics
don't have Internet access. I have to make some calls.
SAM
Yeah, the problem is...
HOYNES
What?
SAM
The Chairman. You attacked him at the DNC Spring...
HOYNES
You sent me to attack him.
SAM
I understand.
HOYNES
They're marking it up tomorrow?
SAM
Yes sir.
HOYNES
You're going to do this for me. You're going to get this done.
SAM
Yes sir.
CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT
It opens with a shot of Fitzwallace's picture and information in a folder. We pull back
to reveal the Roosevelt Room. The meeting continues.
LARRY
Decorated in Vietnam, defence hawk...
ED
There'd be astronomical black Georgia, North Carolina, and Louisiana.
LARRY
All of a sudden the south is on the table.
TOBY
Does anyone even know if he's a Democrat?
JOSH
He would be now.
LARRY
Certainly no Republican would criticize him.
JOSH
These guys are right. Black turn out would explode, we'd realign the country.
C.J.
That's assuming it stays a two-man race.
JOSH
Who's going to get into it this late?
C.J. gives him a look and turns to Toby.
TOBY
John Hoynes.
JOSH
Hoynes, as... an Independent?
TOBY
Yeah.
JOSH
The guy practically has corporate sponsorship. The Tostitos Vice President is going to
lead an independent movement?
LARRY
It's not that ridiculous.
JOSH
It is that ridiculous! He'd be finished in politics.
TOBY
Some future he'll have after we publicly humiliate him by kicking him off the ticket.
JOSH
So, bring it on. What are we afraid of?
C.J.
How about a household name with his own base of conservative Democrats and populist
Independents.
TOBY
Starts at 15, maybe 20%. Now, every state's up for grabs 'cause it's a three way.
JOSH
But he'll loose.
C.J.
Which is gratifying, of course but not much of a consolation since we'll loose too.
JOSH
You say what you want, Hoynes is a pragmatist. To do this, he'd be the craziest Vice
President since Aaron Burr-and Burr shot a guy. [C.J. shrugs.] I can't believe we're
talking about this.
C.J.
It's your meeting.
JOSH
I'm getting that a lot these days.
C.J.
So... that leaves us where?
JOSH
Wondering if Fitzwallace is a Democrat or a Republican.
FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *
ACT THREE
FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Leo and Charlie walk and talk.
LEO
Yeah, it sounds like you're getting tripped up by 1783.
CHARLIE
Which is?
LEO
HR 1783; it's a tax rebate from last year.
CHARLIE
Why would that affect my return for this year?
LEO
Did you get a tax rebate last year?
CHARLIE
Yeah.
LEO
There's the answer.
CHARLIE
Where's the answer?
LEO
Your rebate came off of this year's taxes. That's how we paid for it.
CHARLIE
Hang on. The money I got back last year has to be paid for?
LEO
Yeah.
CHARLIE
That's not a rebate; that's an advance.
LEO
Well, technically I guess...
CHARLIE
Not technically. This is like getting a Christmas bonus and having it deducted from your
January paycheck.
LEO
This doesn't sound like very patriotic talk to me, Charlie. They enter Charlie's office.
CHARLIE
It's not. Why did you call it a rebate?
LEO
So people would spend it. If they thought it was an advance, they might save it.
CHARLIE
It was an advance.
LEO
Did you spend it?
CHARLIE
I paid my VISA bill.
LEO
We would have preferred it if you'd ate in a restaurant or travelled.
CHARLIE
Me too.
LEO
Well, in any event... [puts out his hand]
CHARLIE
What? [Leo starts wiggling his fingers] Oh, what are you the collector?
BARTLET
Leo.
LEO
He used the rebate to pay off his VISA bill.
CHARLIE
It wasn't a rebate; it was an advance.
BARTLET
A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you? [to Leo] Let's go.
Bartlet and Leo walk into THE OVAL OFFICE.
LEO
The problem is we don't know anything.
BARTLET
That's never been a problem for us before.
LEO
We don't know anything until we can get into the tunnel, and we can't get into the tunnel
until the place cools down. Until we can get into the tunnel we don't know if we have to
evacuate Elk Horn.
BARTLET
Well, that's FEMA's call, isn't it?
LEO
FEMA's indicated they're going to want to make it the Governor's call, and the Governor's
indicated that he's going to want you to step in and...
BARTLET
I should set a ransom. I'll tell you what the radiation levels are, but first I want your
electoral votes. Or is that a bad strategy?
LEO
Pretty bad.
BARTLET
Okay, no ransom. We'll play this one straight. What about other shipments?
LEO
There are two other shipments on the road tonight. One's low level radioactive waste,
mostly medical. It's being shipped on three rail cars in South Carolina.
BARTLET
Have we stopped the train?
LEO
Yeah. The National Guard's going to secure it until we know what happened.
BARTLET
What about the second?
LEO
That's more problematic. There's about 200 pounds of what's called "trans-uranic"
material from Rocky Flats where they assemble the nuclear triggers. They're about 150
miles away from Carlsbad and we can't tell them to pull over 'cause that makes them more
vulnerable.
BARTLET
They beefed up the escort?
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
Ok.
LEO
Thank you, Mr. President.
LARRY [VO]
No one knew if Eisenhower was a Democrat or a Republican before he ran.
CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT
ED
Grant only voted once in his life, and it was for the other guys.
C.J.
Grant works as an example in almost any situation. [Leo enters.] That's Grant's legacy.
TOBY
Plus he won the Civil War.
JOSH
What about Leo?
LEO
What'd I do?
JOSH
As running mate. Bartlet-McGarry.
LEO
Done.
JOSH
It's not absurd you know.
LEO
Yes, it is.
JOSH
It's not totally absurd.
LEO
Yes, it is.
TOBY
He wants your parking space.
JOSH
I really do.
C.J.
It's not totally absurd.
LEO
You have a good parking space.
C.J.
You know, if it weren't for the drinking and the valium... And yet Grant... [Larry nods.]
TOBY
That's right.
C.J.
And yet Grant. They went to Lincoln. They said, "Grant's a drunk". He said, "Send all my
generals a case of whatever he's drinking".
LARRY
I see a 30 second spot.
LEO
You guys don't think an alcoholic can be Vice-President? You really think the 20th
century didn't see an alcoholic in the West Wing? I'll be around.
He stands up and leaves. Josh looks pensive.
CUT TO: INT. MARGARET'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Leo enters. Margaret hands him messages. Josh leaves the meeting and comes to join them.
JOSH
Hey... Leo. That didn't mean anything?
LEO
Yeah, I didn't take anything.
JOSH
[sighs] What's going on in Idaho?
LEO
The tunnel's still hot. We're looking at evacuating Elk Horn.
JOSH
Elk Horn's 20 000.
LEO
Yeah.
JOSH
We've done this before?
LEO
For hurricanes, yeah.
JOSH
This is a radioactive cloud.
LEO
I wouldn't call it a cloud.
JOSH
You wouldn't call it the end of the Yankee game either.
LEO
I don't know. You've got your sirens, route and tunnel alerts on local radio and TV.
Paul Reveres go out...
JOSH
Civil defence volunteers?
LEO
Yeah, we've got the armoury in Caldwell, 75 miles away for refugees.
JOSH
Still, we're talking about widespread panic and chaos, right?
LEO
I assume. Anything else?
JOSH
I don't want to go back to my meeting.
LEO
Well you're not staying here.
JOSH
Okay. [leaves]
CUT TO: INT. THE VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Sam is still talking to the Vice President.
HOYNES
There must be $100, $110 million for distance learning and telemedicine. Can we shave
that down?
SAM
There are three rural members on the committee who love distance learning.
HOYNES
I'm not sure I see the point if the rural poor don't have Internet hook-ups. Why don't we
just plus up the entire bill?
SAM
Sir?
HOYNES
We get our Internet for $52 million. They get to add $52 million for Internet blocking
software or whatever they want. Why can't we do that?
SAM
Well, one of the problems is they're deficit hogs.
HOYNES
And we're deficit hogs too aren't we?
SAM
That's the other problem.
HOYNES
All right, work with me here. What do they want? A bridge, a highway, a soda machine?
What do they want?
SAM
They want your name off the bill. Sir, they want your name off of it. They love this
bill. Helping the poor learn computers so they can lift themselves up by their bootstraps
it gets voted out of committee unanimously. But it's an election year.
HOYNES
When is it not an election year? [Sighs] I like what Daniel Webster said when the Whig
party offered him the Vice President. "I do not propose to be buried until I am dead".
I used to be every Republicans favourite Democrat. Screw it, Sam.
SAM
Absolutely, Mr Vice President.
HOYNES
Let's take my name off it.
SAM
Yes, sir.
CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - NIGHT
Ginger stands reading a report. Toby leaves the Roosevelt Room and walks in.
TOBY
Where's Secretary Fisher?
GINGER
He can't make it tonight.
TOBY
Excuse me?
GINGER
The Secretary's at an NGA reception at the Willard Hotel. She says he can see you
tomorrow afternoon.
TOBY
"She."
GINGER
His scheduler.
TOBY
You paged him?
GINGER
She called back.
TOBY
[chuckles] Call Fisher or his scheduler and say that I want the Secretary here in half
an hour to talk about moving his announcement to the White House briefing room... 'cause
we have more TV cameras.
GINGER
'Cause we have more...
TOBY
The most dangerous place in Washington is between Bill Fisher and a TV camera.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Josh enters his office to find Donna at his desk.
DONNA
Clean as a whistle.
JOSH
Thank you.
DONNA
Molly Morello.
JOSH
Look...
DONNA
When was the last time I asked you for anything? By the way I found this.
JOSH
What?
DONNA
"A proclamation to modify the quantitative limitations applicable to the import of wheat
glutin".
JOSH
We are just a little rococo aren't we?
DONNA
Why is Molly Morello less worthy of a proclamation than General Pulaski was?
JOSH
I wish I knew who General Pulaski was.
DONNA
This is what I mean.
JOSH
She's not less worthy. But neither is she more worthy than the other 90 000 public school
teachers who are retiring this year.
DONNA
Who weren't lucky enough to have a White House staffer as a former student.
JOSH
But that's where we get into trouble.
DONNA
Who would find out?
JOSH
"Who would find out" is also where we frequently find trouble.
DONNA
You're right.
JOSH
Yes.
DONNA
All right, you're right.
Josh leaves and catches up with Sam. They walk towards the Roosevelt Room.
SAM
Hey.
JOSH
You get it done?
SAM
Yeah.
JOSH
He's taking his name off it?
SAM
Yeah.
JOSH
Well, it feels like we're almost done in there.
SAM
You want to tell me what this meeting's about now.
JOSH
Replacing Hoynes.
SAM
What are you talking about?
JOSH
Bruno wanted us to look at replacing Hoynes.
SAM
Josh.
JOSH
So, we're looking at it. What's the big...? We're looking at it. And everybody's treating
me like...
SAM
Why?
JOSH
There's electoral math.
SAM
Was I sent away?
JOSH
No.
SAM
I wasn't sent to Hoynes' office so I wouldn't be at that meeting?
JOSH
No.
SAM
Is this ser... I mean, are you talking about names?
JOSH
Fitzwallace, Leo, and Ulysses S. Grant.
SAM
Not for nothing but before we go in there, I want to be clear. I didn't have to convince
him, or even suggest it. Right off the bat, he said "Let's take my name off of it".
Sam enters the Roosevelt Room.
CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Leo is on the phone. Margaret knocks and sticks her head in.
LEO
Yeah?
MARGARET
Leo.
LEO
Yeah.
MARGARET
The Vice President.
LEO
Thanks. You can go home now.
MARGARET
I go home when you go home.
LEO
[on phone] I'll get back to you.
Hoynes comes in and Margaret leaves.
LEO
Mr. Vice President. I like your style. [They shake hands.]
HOYNES
It's money well spent.
LEO
It deserved to have your name on it.
HOYNES
Well, I've got my name on other stuff. You know what I don't like, I don't like that we
can't campaign on it.
LEO
Can you sit for a minute?
HOYNES
Yeah.
LEO
I'm in a bind, and I think you know what it is.
HOYNES
I'm sorry, I don't.
LEO
I have to respect the anonymity of an alcoholic and I can't reveal what's said in a
meeting but I've got a responsibility to the President, and in fact to the country.
And so...
HOYNES
Leo, I'm sorry, I honestly don't know what you're saying.
LEO
John, you've got to tell the President.
HOYNES
Tell him what?
LEO
That you're an alcoholic.
HOYNES
[in disbelief] Are you telling me he doesn't know?!
LEO
How would he know?
HOYNES
You didn't tell him?
LEO
Of course I didn't tell him.
HOYNES
Before you picked me, you didn't tell him?
LEO
No.
HOYNES
I... I always assumed...
LEO
No.
HOYNES
Well. Let's go see our boss.
END ACT THREE
* * *
ACT FOUR
FADE IN: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - NIGHT
Ginger seats the HUD Secretary BILL FISHER in Toby's office and goes to the Roosevelt
Room to get Toby from the meeting. Toby heads to his office.
BILL FISHER
Hey.
TOBY
How was the NGA?
FISHER
Oh, you know the Governors, too many mandates, too little money. I can hear that one at
home.
TOBY
[polite laugh] Good one.
FISHER
The Governors liked it.
TOBY
Yeah. Have you announced for the Governor of New Jersey, Bill?
FISHER
Excuse me?
TOBY
Did I miss and announcement somewhere?
FISHER
That's three years away. I'm just trying to serve the President...
TOBY
'Cause I've never heard of these home ownership loans, so I'm assuming it's a campaign
proposal. Camden and Newark will go nuts but I know it's not a national program.
FISHER
Give me a break.
TOBY
You know how I know? 'Cause national programs are announced by the President of the
United States unless this White House passes on them first.
FISHER
Toby, this is a nickel and dime program. Calm down.
TOBY
You're right. I forgot. We're announcing a brand new replacement for Social Security
tomorrow.
FISHER
I thought we were here to talk about...
TOBY
[raising his voice] They're not your nickels, Bill. They're not your dimes.
FISHER
Whoa! Ha on a minute. The President asked me to join his Cabinet. He asked me to stall my
political career with the agreement that he would help me when...
TOBY
Apparently you don't want his help, you're too busy helping yourself.
FISHER
If this announcement makes page A17 of the metro section, I'd be surprised.
TOBY
There's one name on the ballot this November, Bill. Not yours, not mine. Not the Governor
of New Jersey. And believe me no one will work harder than Jed Bartlet to put you there.
But this President looses re-election and your career's finished, and so is mine.
FISHER
What's your point?
TOBY
[sighs] Next time you announce new policy that isn't cleared by this office we're
announcing you're moving back to New Jersey.
FISHER
What about the loans?
TOBY
C.J. will announce them tomorrow from the podium.
FISHER
Oh, come on Toby, at least let me do it with the President.
TOBY
This is too small for the President. I've got to go back to a meeting.
CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
The President and Charlie are leaning over Charlie's computer.
BARTLET
Yup. It was the rebate.
CHARLIE
It wasn't a rebate. It was an advance.
BARTLET
You say potato.
CHARLIE
I do say potato, and so does everybody else I know.
BARTLET
We wanted to inject some money into retail and tourism.
CHARLIE
Why not wait until people were supposed to have the money?
BARTLET
The economy might have improved on its own by then.
CHARLIE
In which case the whole thing would have been pointless in the first place.
BARTLET
Yeah.
CHARLIE
Economists just make it up as they go along, don't they?
BARLTET
Yeah.
CHARLIE
Did it work?
BARTLET
Not that much. Most people did what you did. They saved or they paid down debt.
CHARLIE
We don't want people save or reduce their personal debt?
BARTLET
We do, but when the next guy's President.
CHARLIE
You win.
BARTLET
I always do.
CHARLIE
Yes sir. He shows Bartlet his check. Then puts it in an envelope.
BARTLET
I'll tell you what I find interesting though.
CHARLIE
What's that sir?
BARTLET
You. $35,000 a year, a sister to support, and you gave $1,435 to charity. I'm not so
sure that check isn't better off in your hands than ours. Oh, I'm taking it. Don't be
ridiculous. But when you get to your place tonight you're going to find a new DVD player
and that wimp-ass Bond movie.
CHARLIE
Mr. President...
BARTLET
And I threw in Yeoman of the Guard on CD.
CHARLIE
[smiling] That was an incredibly nice gesture.
BARTLET
I'm really something.
Leo and the Vice President enter.
LEO
Mr. President.
BARTLET
Hey, John.
LEO
Can we have a minute please, sir?
BARTLET
Yeah. Charlie, let's get that woman on the phone. I'm feeling magical tonight.
Bartlet, Leo and Hoynes walk in THE OVAL OFFICE.
BARTLET
They're in the tunnel now and the readings don't show anything beyond the predictable
level of background radiation. The flatbed is back on its way and the Carlsbad is behind
gates so we dodged the bullet.
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
We packed this stuff in 2 inches of stainless steel, 4 inches of lead. We've rammed it
with trains and dropped it from helicopters and it still isn't going to protect us from
the thing we haven't thought of. They took a cask out to Aberdeen Proving Ground and shot
a TOW missile clean through it. They showed me video. What can I do for you?
LEO
Sir, there's something very important we need to talk to you about.
BARTLET
What?
LEO
Well, it's delicate and surprising, and I want to make sure your first reaction is
measured so I'd like us to...
HOYNES
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
BARTLET
Really?
HOYNES
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Is there anybody left who's not?
LEO
Sir.
BARTLET
How long?
HOYNES
I'm sorry?
BARTLET
For how long have you been in recovery?
HOYNES
My last drink... it was the year I was 22.
BARTLET
Did you say 22?
HOYNES
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
You haven't had a drink since you were 22?
HOYNES
That's right.
BARTLET
I didn't start drinking till I was 25. What the hell do you guys count as...
HOYNES
Yeah, I know, but there's a history in my family and I had a few experiences in college.
I liked beer, a lot so I started going to meetings and I'm pretty sure if I stopped...
BARTLET
Twenty-two?
HOYNES
Yes sir.
BARTLET
You and James Bond ought to team up.
HOYNES
I don't...
LEO
Don't worry about it.
BARTLET
He's ordering a watered down martini, and Leo what the hell is this meeting that's going
on all night across the hall?
LEO
We can talk about it later.
HOYNES
It's a meeting about having me replaced on the ticket. I know how to count to 270.
LEO
John, I assure you, I assure you, that if it were a serious notion we would...
HOYNES
Texas is gone, so is Florida.
LEO
We're not doing it.
HOYNES
You should think about it.
BARTLET
Hey, did I hear right? Are you taking your name off that bill?
HOYNES
[forcefully] Nobody benefits from the Internet right now more than the rural poor.
BARTLET
You're taking your name off. We can't campaign on it.
HOYNES
Yes sir.
BARTLET
And if somebody's attacking us, you know what to do.
HOYNES
I call Leo.
BARTLET
[goes to his desk and begins to write something] Yeah, but don't discount the possibility
that it might be Leo.
HOYNES
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
John, despite this recent revelation that you drank beer in college I've always liked you
a little more than you thought I did, but that's not why you're staying. It's this.
[hands Hoynes a piece of paper] Four words.
Hoynes reads the paper, looks at the President and hands the paper to Leo.
HOYNES
I've always liked you more than you thought I did too, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Just a little, right?
HOYNES
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Me, too. Anything else?
LEO
Thank you, Mr. President.
HOYNES
Thank you, sir.
Leo and Hoynes head into Leo's office.
BARTLET
Charlie!
CHARLIE
[enters] Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Let's go. I'm a magic man.
Charlie leaves and returns with Donna.
BARTLET
[with Italian accent] Donnatella.
DONNA
Good evening, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Tell Josh that General Pulaski was a Polish Brigadier General who vanquished the Russian
and Prussian military then came to the colonies and commanded our cavalry during the
American revolution.
DONNA
[turning to leave] I will, sir.
BARTLET
It says here in a briefing paper hastily written by Deputy Josh Lyman that in the '60s
when the Madison Superintendent of Schools banned Twelfth Night for reasons passing
understanding, a Mrs. Molly Morello had students over to her house on Saturdays to
read it.
DONNA
I didn't know that sir. Josh wrote you a memo on Molly Morello?
BARTLET
Yeah 'cause all I had tonight was a nuclear spill in Idaho. It says she came in two hours
early to teach an AP English class she developed herself because the school didn't offer
one.
DONNA
I was in that class.
BARTLET
Sounds like she deserves a proclamation. I wish I could give her one, but I can't.
DONNA
I totally understand.
BARTLET
It's just too much inside baseball, you know?
DONNA
You're very nice to even talk to me about it.
BARTLET
Charlie, I've been tapping my finger on the desk for about a minute now.
CHARLIE
Sir?
BARTLET
The magic man thing works a lot better when you pick up on the signals, Tonto. What's
that you say? There's a phone call for Donna?
Donna looks shocked as Bartlet hits the speakerphone.
BARTLET
Good evening, this is the White House, for whom are you holding?
MRS. MORELLO
[on the phone] I'm holding for Donna Moss. This is Mrs. Morello.
DONNA
[whispering] Oh my God.
MRS. MORELLO
Donna?
DONNA
Mrs. Morello, it's me.
MRS. MORELLO
Is everything all right?
DONNA
Everything's fine.
MRS. MORELLO
I hadn't heard from you in such a long time so I thought...
DONNA
No everything's fine. Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring.
MRS. MORELLO
At the end of this year.
DONNA
Well, I... I just wanted to say. I don't know, I just... I just wanted to say...
I don't know.
MRS. MORELLO
Are--Are you sure everything's all right?
BARTLET
[whispering] Tell her where you are.
DONNA
Mrs. Morello, I'm in the Oval Office with the President of the United States and it's
because of you. [silence] Mrs. Morello?
MRS. MORELLO
What a thing to say. Well, we're all very proud of you, Donna.
BARTLET
[grouchily] She didn't do anything.
MRS. MORELLO
Was that...?
BARTLET
It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did
you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation?
MRS. MORELLO
We used a translation, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version.
MRS. MORELLO
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
What are you planning on doing with your retirement?
MRS. MORELLO
My husband and I are going to travel a little.
BARTLET
I'd stay away from the Elk Horn area of Idaho for a little while. You'll read why in the
morning. Let's talk about Twelfth Night.
CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT
C.J.
Twenty-two?
HOYNES
Yup.
C.J.
You haven't' had a drink since you were 22?
HOYNES
That's right.
C.J.
Ulysses S. Grant would have slapped your face.
HOYNES
He did once.
JOSH
Listen, it's fine that this is funny and Mr. Vice President I couldn't care less, but
what about the campaign?
LEO
What about it?
JOSH
The President just got passed an honesty issue.
TOBY
He's not passed it.
JOSH
If it becomes public...
C.J.
That's a big assumption.
TOBY
No it's not.
LEO
I think that issue is probably worth further discussion but we're done talking about the
ticket. The President's made it very clear that he wants the Vice President to remain the
Vice President and he wrote down his one and only reason.
He pulls out the paper and hands it to Josh.
JOSH
"Because I could die." Well, of course he's right, sir.
HOYNES
It doesn't solve the problem of the electoral math. I don't know what the field's going
to look like after Labor Day. The Etch-A-Sketch will be shaken up a little, but right now
the math's tough. And I know right now you all think he's a punch line and I know why,
but I disagree. They're sure running the right guy against us.
SAM
Am I really the only one who thinks a giant sumo wrestler in a hockey goal might get the
job done?
JOSH
I don't know. I'm open to new ideas.
DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *
The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.
Episode 3.17 -- “Stirred”
Original Airdate: April 3, 2002, 9:00 PM EST
Transcript by: Giorgio & Corrine
May 1, 2002