Act One.
Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is sat when Roz arrives and sits with him.
Roz: Frasier, thank God you're here.
Frasier: Why, what's wrong, Roz?
Roz: My book club meets tonight and I haven't read the book.
Frasier: Oh my, that is a literary 911! Wait, you joined a book club?
Roz: Why is that so hard to believe? I like to read.
Frasier: What's his name?
Roz: [giving in:] Jason.
Frasier: A-ha.
Roz: We met at a book store and he asked me to join his club.
He's separated, but I think it's for keeps. He was buying
"Divorce for Dummies."
Frasier: Sounds like a real catch, Roz.
Roz: Anyway, I was supposed to read "The Great Gatsby" last night
but I couldn't get Alice to sleep. So could you give me a
quick summary? [takes out book and notes:]
Frasier: Well, all right, er, it was a time known as the Jazz Age.
Wall Street was booming, bootleg hooch was flowing and the
young people were doing a new dance called the Charleston.
Roz: Where were you when I was trying to get Alice to sleep,
could you just get to it already?
Frasier: Oh, all right, fine. [notices a blond woman who has just
entered] Lorna Lenley!
Roz: Okay, who's she? Gatsby's girlfriend?
Frasier: The woman who just walked in. She was the great beauty of
my high school. She had brains, looks, style and the way she
filled out a mohair sweater - well, suffice it to say it was
snugger on her than on the goat!
Roz: Why don't you go over and say hello?
Frasier: Oh God, Roz, she wouldn't even remember me. She was with the
in-crowd. The only people that knew me debated, recited or
were on a six-month visit from Abu Dhabi! [nervous:] God,
she's coming over, she's coming over, she's coming over!
Lorna: [arrives] Excuse me, didn't we go to high school together?
Frasier: Did we?
Lorna: Yes, I thought you looked familiar. You're Frasier, aren't
you?
Frasier: Well, that's right. [laughs] All right, let me guess, em,
Lisa?
Lorna: Lorna.
Frasier: Oh yes, of course. Hello. Roz, I'd like you to meet Lorna
Ann Lenley. [Lorna looks surprised] Anywhere close?
Lorna: Very good! Although it's Gardner now, but I'm going back
to Lenley, I was recently divorced.
Frasier: Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. Er, Roz our chatting isn't
bothering your reading is it?
Roz: Oh no, actually I... [off his glare:] Oh right, off I go!
[goes to get her coffee]
Frasier: So, er, I'm divorced myself actually.
Lorna: Yes, I know, I listen to your show.
Frasier: Really?
Lorna: Well, I sell Real Estate, so I'm in my car all the time. So
whenever I can, I turn you on.
Frasier: Oh, my. [laughs]
Lorna's mobile rings.
Lorna: Excuse me, I'll have to get that.
Frasier: No problemo. [goes to Roz's table] Roz, she's just as
lovely as ever.
Roz: So, are you going to ask her out?
Frasier: Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain - in my dreams!
Roz: Frasier, you act like you're still some dorky teenager;
you're a charming, successful man.
Frasier: Thank you, Roz.
Roz: [mimicking] No problemo.
Lorna: [comes over] Excuse me, I have to go show a house. Frasier,
it was really nice to see you again.
Frasier: Oh, likewise. Er, Lorna, listen, I realise that this is out
of the blue and you're very busy but I was wondering if you
might like to...
Lorna: Yes?
Frasier: ...appraise my apartment. You see, I've decided to sell it.
Lorna: Sure, I'd be happy to. In fact I'm free tonight.
Frasier: Really? Well, how's seven 'o clock? I live at the Elliot
Bay Towers.
Lorna: Oh, wow! What a great building!
Frasier: Yes, well.
Lorna: You've certainly done well for yourself.
Frasier: Yes, well, I think you'll find we've both come a long way
since high school. You know, here, let me carry those for
you.
Frasier takes her books and helps her out of the café, smirking to
Roz with delight as he follows her like the teenager that he is.
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is putting his coat on as Frasier chats to him.
Frasier: Dad! She'll be here any minute.
Martin: Okay, I'm leaving.
Frasier: Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this.
Martin: Oh, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date
than for one of your theme parties. Although I am kinda
sorry I missed "An Evening With Moe Howard."
Frasier: That was Noel Coward!
Niles enters. They greet each other.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, what are you doing here?
Niles: Well, I've got a crisis. Tomorrow's Mel's birthday and I'm
planning a very romantic evening but my Gagino is on the
fritz.
Martin: Oh jeez, I don't need to hear this!
Frasier: Dad! It's a stove!
Martin: I know; six burners and a griddle, don't you guys ever talk
about cars? [exits]
Niles: Frasier, I'm desperate, can I possibly use your kitchen
tomorrow to prepare the meal?
Frasier: Yes, of course, Niles. But listen, now you've got to go, I
have a date.
Niles: Oh! Anyone I know?
Frasier: Well, as a matter of fact, yes: Lorna Lenley.
Niles: Oooh! [then:] No, really, who?
Frasier: It's true, I bumped into her today at the Café.
Niles: Lorna Lenley?! You, sir, have moxy! Why, even with all my
vested authority as hall monitor I could never muster the
courage to ask to see her bathroom pass. And you asked her
out! Whoa! I bow down before you, I doff my cap to you.
Frasier: Well, actually it's not really a date.
Niles: I knew it!
Frasier: You see, she's coming over to appraise the apartment. She's
in Real Estate and I tried to ask her out and I choked. I
did get the impression that she was interested in me,
though.
Niles: Well of course she is. Oh and the coach called, you're
starting the big game on Sunday.
Frasier: All right, Niles, off you go.
Niles however wants to stay. They begin arguing until the doorbell
rings.
Frasier: She's here. You've got one quick "hello" and then you're
gone, mister. [opens door to Lorna]
Lorna: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Lorna, good to see you again. Perhaps you remember my
brother, Niles.
Lorna: Yes, hello Niles.
He can only let out a giggle.
Frasier: Well, now that you two have had a chance to catch up, I'll
see you later.
Lorna: Nice to see you again, Niles.
Niles giggles again and exits.
Lorna: Oh, Frasier, wow! What a great apartment!
Frasier: Thank you.
Lorna: Why are you selling it?
Frasier: Oh, I don't want to bore you with the details, it's a very
long, very complicated story.
Lorna: Well, I'd love to hear it.
Frasier: Er, well, I need more closet space. Could I interest you in
some wine?
Lorna: Oh, I would love some.
Lorna takes off her jacket. She is about to lay it on Martin's chair
but she is put off and props it on the couch.
Lorna: Do you remember Chip Clayton's graduation party? Remember
when we broke into his father's liquor cabinet and we made
sangria out of a hundred dollar bottle of wine?
Frasier: [laughs at the memory then:] No.
Lorna: You know, I should make some notes on your apartment. [she
begins to]
Meanwhile, Frasier's conscience takes over as we hear his thoughts.
Frasier: [v.o:] What are you doing? Tell her why you really asked her
over and drop this ridiculous charade. You're not sixteen
years old any longer.
Lorna: Frasier, I'd love to see your bedroom.
Frasier: Of course. [v.o:] Lorna Lenley wants to see my bedroom!
Scene Three - Frasier's Bedroom.
Frasier and Lorna enter the bedroom, she is amazed.
Lorna: Oh, Frasier, wow, another great room.
Frasier: Thank you.
Lorna: Is this bed Scandinavian? [sits on the bed]
Frasier: You have a good eye. [v.o:] Lorna Lenley's on my bed! Stop
acting like an adolescent!
Lorna: Frasier, are you all right?
Frasier: No, no, actually Lorna, I'm not all right. You see, when I
saw you this afternoon I immediately flashed back to the
hopeless crush I had on you in high school. Of course it
didn't help matters much that you've hardly changed a bit
and I wanted to ask you out and I lost my nerve.
Lorna: You mean all of this was just a ruse to get me up here?
Frasier: I'm afraid so. So, now that I've sufficiently embarrassed
myself, I'll show you out.
Lorna: [walks to him] You know, Frasier, I have to say I'm really
very flattered.
Frasier: Really?
Lorna: Yes. You know, it's not too late to ask me out.
Frasier: Would you like to have dinner with me this evening?
Lorna: I'd love to.
Frasier: Wonderful.
Frasier walks out of the room calmly with her, however his mind isn't
so calm.
Frasier: [ecstatic v.o:] I'm going out with Lorna Lenley!
2 GOOD
2 BE
4 GOTTEN
Scene Four - Frasier's Bedroom.
The following morning, Frasier and Lorna awake in each other's arms.
Lorna: Hi.
Frasier: Hi.
Lorna: I had a wonderful time last night.
Frasier: Me too. It's like being back in high school, but with sex.
Lorna: [laughs and kisses him] I don't want this to end.
Frasier: I must warn you, now that I've learned to finally ask you
out, I'll be doing a lot more of it. Are you free this
evening? You see, there I go already. How about tomorrow
night? Somebody stop me. [laughs]
Lorna: Not me! [laughs and kisses him] I wonder what time it is?
Frasier: Hm, well, [looks at clock] ten 'o clock.
Lorna: [shouting and sitting up] Oh crap, I'm late!
Frasier: Is there something I can do?
Lorna: Oh, yeah, make this lousy hangover go away. Where the hell
are those aspirins. [empties content of handbag on bed]
Frasier: You know, perhaps I should get you a glass of water for
those. Would you prefer sparkling or still?
Lorna takes them with some leftover red wine on the table.
Frasier: Or not, I see you're fine.
Lorna: Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to finish this?
Frasier: No, no, you're the guest.
Lorna uses her mobile phone.
Lorna: [into phone:] Yeah, it's me, I'm running late. Move my ten-
thirty to eleven thirty. [shouts:] Just move it to eleven
thirty! [starts to smoke]
Frasier: I didn't realise you smoked?
Lorna: Oh, I'm always trying to quit but my weight just balloons
up. trust me, you don't want to see my ass when I'm off
these things!
Frasier: You know, I hate to be a fusspot but I'd prefer...
Lorna's mobile sounds, she answers.
Lorna: [into phone:] Yeah? Well, who let the dog in? Put your
brother on! [shouts:] Put your brother on! Put your brother
on! [to Frasier:] Would you be a sweetie and make me some
coffee?
Frasier: [intimidated:] Okay.
Lorna: [into phone:] You know that mess better be cleaned up by the
time I get home. Both of you! Put your brother on! Put your
brother on! [shouts:] Put your brother on the phone!
Frasier, frightened, half runs to the door.
Lorna: [to Frasier:] Oh, this is nice.
Frasier is not so sure and exits the bedroom.
End of Act One.
Act Two.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin and Niles enter the apartment. Niles is carrying cooking
equipment.
Martin: I still don't understand why you have to do all the cooking.
Why don't you just take Mel out for a nice meal?
Niles: Well, because through cooking I can truly express my feelings
for her. You know, the French have a saying...
Martin: Okay, okay, I was just making conversation until we got home.
They meet Frasier in the kitchen. Martin exits to the kitchen as
Frasier enters the main area.
Frasier: Hi, dad. Hello, Niles.
Niles: I could really use some help preparing this dish today, if
you're not busy.
Frasier: Oh gosh, Niles, I've got a lot errands to run. You know, why
don't you ask Daphne?
Niles: [after a pause] Ah, all right. Oh, oh, oh, how did things
go with Lorna? Did you summon up the courage to ask her out?
Frasier: Well, actually...
Niles: Oh come on, Frasier, seize the moment. Faint heart never
won fair lady. You know, the French have a saying...
Lorna approaches him from behind and raffles his hair.
Lorna: Hi, Niles.
Niles exits to the kitchen, grinning like a school boy.
Lorna: Come here. I have some really great news. [lights a
cigarette]
Frasier: Really? Do tell.
They go out into the hallway. She calls for the lift.
Lorna: Well, I called my office, and after my eleven-thirty I'm
free for the rest of the day.
Frasier: Oh well, what are you planning on doing?
The elevator arrives. An elderly woman is stood inside. Lorna holds
the lift.
Lorna: Being with you, silly. [kisses him]
Woman: Excuse me.
Lorna: [shouts] I'm coming! [then:] You know, you are the best thing
that has happened to me in a long time. [kisses him and the
gets into the lift before kissing him again, she finally gets
in:] I'm in, you happy?! [the doors close]
Frasier breathes out her cigarette fumes in surprise.
AH, THERE'S THE RUB
Scene Two - Frasier's Kitchen.
Niles is hard at work on a dish. Daphne is acting as his assistant.
Niles: Whisk. [she hands it to him, he whisks] Spoon. [she hands it
to him, he stirs] Cheesecloth. [she wipes his brow as he
tastes before the oven pings] Perfect timing. Daphne, open
the oven. [she does as he places it into the oven] Ready.
Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Please. [she does]
Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right?
Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne.
They fall about laughing as Daphne playfully hits him over the head
with the oven gloves.
Niles: Thank you for your help.
Daphne: Oh, my pleasure. I haven't had this much fun in the kitchen
since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine.
[laughs]
Niles: [laughs] Oh, and the real fun's just beginning - clean-up.
Niles picks a pan up and yelps as he scolds himself.
Daphne: Oh, you silly sod, here, run it under some cold water, I'll
fetch the aloe cream. [he runs his fingers under the water]
Come here. [begins to rub the cream in] This'll help.
Niles: I can't believe I just did that.
Daphne: Oh, I do that sort of thing all the time. You must be
careful, those pan handles get awfully hot.
Niles: Oh well, not anymore, it's got a protective coating of skin
on it.
Daphne is getting a little carried away whilst she rubs the cream in.
Daphne: Just give it a minute to absorb.
Niles: That'll be fine. [she carries on] I'm feeling better already.
Daphne however is completely absorbed herself.
Niles: Thanks, Daphne.
Martin then enters and interrupts them.
Martin: Hey, what's up?
Daphne: [nervous] Nothing. Why should anything be up? Dr. Crane
burnt his hand and I was tending to it, that's all. Oh my,
look at the time, I've got to run. [she picks up the clock
and then runs out]
Martin: Burnt, huh? Well, you might want to keep something cold on
that. [gets a beer from fridge] Here, you can hold my beer
for me while I watch the game.
Martin gives Niles the beer to hold and exits, leaving Niles to run
through the recent event in his head.
Scene Three - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is sat when Niles enters and sits with him.
Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Hello, Niles. How are you?
Niles: Fine. Although the oddest thing just happened.
Frasier: Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete. If you give him
a dollar his monkey won't make those rude gestures.
Niles: No, this is about Daphne. I burned my hand while I was
cooking and she began putting first aid cream on it and in a
very tender way and then, em, dad came in and she jumped as
if she felt guilty. Is it possible Daphne has feelings for
me?
Frasier: [quickly] No.
Niles: Ah well, as long as you've considered it from all angles!
Frasier: If she was tender it was because you burnt your hand, if she
jumped it was because dad startled her. Come on, Niles,
can't you see what's really going on here?
Niles: Well, obviously I haven't a clue. I thought that man's
monkey was waving hello.
Frasier: Your relationship with Mel is growing deeper. Isn't it
possible that your fear of commitment is driving your mind
to throw up these imaginary road blocks?
Niles: You think so?
Frasier: Well, you do have a history with this. Remember the day
after you proposed to Maris? You went that evening to the
opera, you were convinced that Leontyne Price was winking at
you the whole night.
Niles: I suppose there could be commitment issues here. Cooking a
meal for one's mate is a big first step.
Frasier: Yes, especially for you. I mean Maris never let you cook for
her.
Niles: That's true, the closest I ever got was re-stocking the
pills in her bedside Lazy Susan.
Roz approaches from behind reading "Wuthering Heights."
Roz: Hey, guys.
Niles: Oh hey, Roz. Frasier, thank you. It's a big help. [exits]
Frasier: My pleasure, Niles.
Roz: Bye. [sits]
Frasier: Oh, Roz, I see the book club has moved on to "Wuthering
Heights." Well...
Roz: Oh, please tell me they made a movie out of this.
Frasier: Twice.
Roz: Amen! [bags the book] So how did your date with Lorna go?
Did you get up enough nerve to ask her to dinner?
Frasier: To dinner and breakfast! We spent the night together.
Roz: Whoa! You went to bed with the prom queen?
Frasier: Yes, I woke up with "Carrie!" She smokes, she screams, she's
uncouth, and I'm actually meeting her here to break it off.
Roz: So soon?
Frasier: Well...
Roz: With the way your love life's been going, you may want to
squeeze a couple more dates out of it. You know, nuts for
the winter!
Frasier: Please, Roz, I could never do that sort of thing. Whenever
I know that I have no future with a woman, I end it, right
then and there. Especially a woman like Lorna, recently
divorced and vulnerable...
Roz: You always take the high road.
Frasier: Well, you know, I like to think so. You know, if there's one
thing I've learned, my old high school wounds are not going
to be healed by sleeping with the prom queen.
Roz: Tell me about it: prom queen, assistant principal. You can't
go home again!
Frasier looks shocked as Roz stands, who notices Lorna entering
smoking a cigarette.
Roz: Good luck. [exits]
Lorna: [sits] How are you doing, babycakes? [kisses him, breathing
her cigarette breath into him]
Frasier: [sarcastic:] Thank you. Now, listen, Lorna about tomorrow
night, em...
Lorna: Oh, I'm sorry, I know we have plans but I completely forgot.
It's the retirement dinner for Coach Palet.
Frasier: Who?
Lorna: Our high school football coach. I'd love it if you'd go with
me.
Frasier: Well, I have to be honest with you here...
Lorna: Oh, come on, it'll be fun. The old gang'll be there.
Frasier: The old gang, you say. You mean like Chip Clayton and Lad
Lunkquist.
Lorna: Yeah, the whole crowd. Imagine the looks on their faces when
they see us walk in together.
Frasier: Yes, imagine.
Lorna: Oh, come on, say you'll be my date.
Frasier: Well, I wouldn't want to let down the coach.
They kiss as the waitress brings her coffee.
Lorna: [shouts back] Yeah, a spoon'd be nice!
Frasier looks slightly nervous.
Scene Four - Frasier's High School
Frasier and Lorna arrive. They are just outside of the gym where the
dinner is being held.
Lorna: Oh, everyone's inside already, we're a little late.
Frasier: I guess we'll just have to make a grand entrance, after you.
Lorna: I just have to check my makeup.
Frasier: Well, why tamper with perfection?
Lorna: Oh, aren't you sweet?
Frasier: Shall we?
Lorna's mobile sounds. She answers.
Lorna: Hello? [shouts] What now? What? What? [hits phone then to
Frasier:] My phone's playing up, I'm sorry, just two seconds,
sweetie.
Lorna goes off to the side as Frasier checks on the gym. It sounds
busy and Frasier looks excited.
Lorna: [arrives back shouting into phone:] No, you can't have a
party! Because I said so. Put your brother on! Put your
brother on! Put your brother on- [aside to Frasier:] just
a second, sweetie- [to phone:] -the phone! You know, do
what you want, I'm on a date! [hangs up]
Frasier: Are you ready?
Lorna: Ooop, you know what, this hook keeps coming undone. [Frasier
fastens the back of her dress]
Frasier: You know, I just took a look inside there. Everybody's here,
even old Mr. "Most-Likely-To-Succeed," Chip Clayton.
Lorna: Chip Clayton's a moron!
Frasier: Well, you used to be rather fond of him back in school.
Lorna: Well, everybody's changed since high school. Except you.
Truly, you're still the same sweet, decent guy you always
were.
Frasier: Thank you. [thinks]
Lorna: No I mean it, believe me, I've been with enough jerks and
users to know the difference. Let's go.
Frasier: Lorna, I can't go in there with you.
Lorna: Why not?
Frasier: Well, because I came here for the wrong reasons: so all the
cool kids would see me with school's most popular girl and I
let you believe that we had hopes for some sort of a future
when I know in my heart that there is none. Well, if you
walk in there with me it would be as my trophy and I just
can't do that to you, I'm so sorry.
Lorna: You expect me to walk into a room full of my ex-classmates
by myself? Like some pathetic divorcée who couldn't scare up
a date for some old jock sendoff? I don't think so!
Frasier: Lorna...
Lorna: You know, I thought you'd be a nice rebound fling, get my
feet wet dating again. You don't want that, that's fine.
But I'll tell you what we are going to do: You're going to
take my arm, you're going to escort me in that room, we're
going to dance, make out like freshmen and leave with your
hand on my ass, you got it?
Frasier: Shall we?
And so the two trophies walk into the room together.
End of Act Two.
Credits:
Café Nervosa - a bespectacled Roz sits reading with her boyfriend Jason.
They chat amiably about books until Roz drops her bag, spilling out a
Cliff's Notes summary of their current book. Jason waves the book at
Roz disgustedly and exits the cafe as Roz throws her book at his retreating
back.
[N.B. Jason is played by Jane Leeves's real-life husband, Marshall Coben.]