THE WEST WING
"THE TWO BARTLETS"
TELEPLAY BY: KEVIN FALLS AND AARON SORKIN
STORY BY: GENE SPERLING
DIRECTED BY: ALEX GRAVES
TEASER
FADE IN: INT. JOSH’S APARTMENT - EARLY MORNING
5:14 A.M.
BZZT. The Intercom buzzes. Suddenly, in the dark, Josh sits up in bed, moaning and
groaning, just getting up from sleep. BZZT. The Intercom buzzes again. Someone is
outside. Josh gets up, turns a light on, and lets the visitor in. He picks up a remote
control on a table and turns the television on in his living room.
NEWSCASTER 1
The Supreme Court has issued its annual report. Details in this report...
Josh turns on a second television, set on another channel, in his kitchen. Then he
turns to his coffee maker and opens the top. He slowly picks up the coffee ground from
yesterday and throws it in the trash.
NEWSCASTER 2
Voters in Iowa will pass the first ballots as the Presidential primary season officially
gets underway. President Bartlet, unchallenged in the Democratic caucus is flying to
Cedar Rapids today. While on the Republican side, Governor Ritchie looks to be the
front-runner in the primaries. The official campaign season begins today in Iowa...
Josh opens his refrigerator and reaches for a coffee can. Finding it empty, he almost
puts it back.
JOSH
Why would I put it back?
He goes back to his trashcan and picks up the coffee ground he just threw away and puts
it back in the coffee maker.
NEWSCASTER 2
There will be only one candidate in the kickoff... President Jed Bartlet. President
Bartlet is the first Democratic incumbent since Franklin Roosevelt to go unchallenged
by his own party. With no opposition, he could easily bypass the Iowa caucus.
Someone knocks on the door. Josh goes to answer.
NEWSCASTER 2 [CONT.]
The President feels that in the spirit of democracy, he must present himself...
The knocking continues.
NEWSCASTER 2 [CONT.]
...to the American people as the candidate...
Josh opens the door for his early morning visitor. It’s Amy.
AMY
Hello.
JOSH
Hello.
Amy walks in and makes herself comfortable. She puts down her purse, takes off her coat
and gets a glass of water in the kitchen.
AMY
You let anybody up without asking who it is?
JOSH
I thought you were breakfast.
AMY
You know what?
JOSH
What?
AMY
John’s never asked to see the WLC’s high donor database.
JOSH
What?
AMY
He’s never asked to see the high donor database or any other mailing list... so, how do
you like them apples?
JOSH
I just went to sleep about two hours ago.
AMY
You think he’s using me.
JOSH
Is the sun even up?
AMY
I just thought you should know.
JOSH
No, not so much.
AMY
Those pajamas are too big for you.
JOSH
What makes you say that?
AMY
Well, you’ve got the bottoms all...
JOSH
I know it’s too big for me. What are you doing here?
AMY
Demonstrating, once and for all, that John’s not using me to get the women’s vote.
JOSH
You’re flaky. You know that? You’re quite the flake.
AMY
Not once has he asked to see the database...
JOSH
I was done with this fight a month ago.
AMY
...Never asked us to sponsor a fundraiser for him.
JOSH
It’s early.
AMY
It’s January. You think it’s too early to start raising money?
JOSH
No, I’m saying it’s 5:00 in the morning.
AMY
I offered him a slot to speak on Safe Haven Laws; he declined. He hardly takes photo-ops
with me.
JOSH
He always takes photo-ops with you.
AMY
[beat] Yes. Yes, he does, but he never runs them in his Congressional newsletter... How
do you like them apples?
JOSH
We’re gonna stop with the apples soon, right?
AMY
Admit that you’re wrong, and that his relationship with me has nothing to do with
politics.
JOSH
[walks to his kitchen] I admit it.
AMY
[follows him] You mean it?
JOSH
No, of course, I’m right. And his relationship with you has everything to do with
politics. He’s a power dater. That’s what power daters do. You know how I know?
AMY
‘Cause you’re a power dater?
JOSH
That’s right.
AMY
Well, you know how I know that you’re wrong?
JOSH
‘Cause you looked in his eyes, saw his soul, and confronted him in a moment of human
honesty?
AMY
That’s right.
JOSH
Then he was sure to tell you the truth.
AMY
Well, he didn’t have to.
JOSH
Why?
AMY
‘Cause he asked me to marry him.
Josh, stunned, looks at her.
AMY
How do you like them app--?
JOSH
No. [pause] He asked you to marry him?
AMY
Yes.
JOSH
And you want me to talk you out of it?
AMY
You don’t have to talk me out of it. I said no.
JOSH
Good.
AMY
And then I told him I thought we should stop seeing each other for a while.
JOSH
Really?
AMY
Yes.
JOSH
Okay.
AMY
[beat] Now you’re nervous.
JOSH
No, I’m not.
AMY
Josh, you and I spent four nights with each other. I didn’t break up with him for you.
I’m not pathetic-stalking-woman who, you know... does things.
JOSH
We spent six nights with each other.
AMY
What are you counting?
JOSH
I’m counting them all.
AMY
It was four.
JOSH
He just upped and proposed?
AMY
Yes, Hamlet. It’s called being decisive.
JOSH
No, Ophelia. It’s called a political asset.
AMY
Well, what does it matter now?
JOSH
It doesn’t.
AMY
[beat] And that’s all you’re gonna say?
JOSH
I’ll say more when you call me 30 seconds from your cell phone.
AMY
You know, for the most insecure guy I’ve ever met, you’re pretty sure of yourself.
[picks up her coat and purse]
JOSH
You’ll call me from your cell phone ‘cause that’s where the real conversation always
takes place.
AMY
You can’t afford pajamas that fit?
JOSH
It’s laundry day.
AMY
I’ll see you.
She walks out and closes the door. Seconds later, Josh’s phone rings. He answers it.
JOSH
Time number one was on the steps in front of my apartment when you kissed me. It was
snowing. Time number two was when you came over after the State of the Union. Time
number three was at your house when you put on your bootleg tape of the Stones at Wembley
Stadium and put on your feather boa...
Surprisingly, Amy is not on the other end of the line. It’s Leo. He is busy writing
something on his desk. Margaret is there with him, listening to Josh on the speaker.
JOSH [CONT.]
...and sang “Honky Tonk Woman.” Time number four involved a variety of hosiery...
LEO
Josh, I’m gonna stop you right here, okay?
JOSH
Leo?
LEO
Yeah.
JOSH
Anybody else in the office?
MARGARET
Hey, Josh.
JOSH
Hey, Margaret.
LEO
We’ve got a problem in Vieques and a caucus in Iowa. Why don’t you come on into work, hmm?
JOSH
Yeah. [hangs up]
SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *
ACT ONE
FADE IN: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY
5:40 A.M.
A television screen in the passageway is tuned to CNN Headline News. It’s just moments
after Air Force One took off for Iowa.
NEWSCASTER 2
Voters in Iowa will pass the first ballots as the Presidential primary season officially
gets underway. President Bartlet, unchallenged in the Democratic caucus is flying to
Cedar Rapids today. While on the Republican side, Governor Ritchie looks to be the
front-runner in the primaries. The official campaign season begins today in Iowa...
In the staff cabin, C.J. is talking to her father on the phone.
C.J.
I’m on the plane... No, I’m on the plane... I’ll be coming back tonight. It’s just for
the day... No, it’s just for the day, Dad. We’re coming back tonight... I won’t be
tired... I’ll sleep if I’m tired, but I won’t be tired... ‘Cause we’re coming back at
8:00 and I don’t get tired at 8:00, plus I won’t be the one flying the plane... Oh, my
God. Dad, ‘cause this is how it is. If it’s in the 48 states, we come back the same day.
The taxpayers paid for a very comfortable and fast airplane, and this is what they had in
mind when they did... Am I gonna... No... Because I don’t live in Iowa, and I’m not
allowed to vote there... Ah, see. There’s always a catch... Well, he’s unchallenged in
the Iowa caucus, so I like our chances... No, Dad. I’m on the plane... All right. I’ll
try and call you later if there’s anything interesting to report... Talk to you later.
When she hangs up, the pilot speaks on the P.A. C.J. gets up and walks.
PILOT [on P.A.]
Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, good morning from the flight deck. This is
Lieutenant Colonel Gantry. We’re passing through some turbulence on our way to a
cruising altitude of 41,000 feet. Our flight plan this morning...
The plane encounters a little turbulence as the lights flicker. C.J. almost loses her
balance, but she keeps on walking.
PILOT [CONT.]
...is going to take us over Wheeling and Toledo, the South Shore of Lake Michigan, then
over Aurora, Illinois before we make our final approach to Eastern Iowa Airport in Cedar
Rapids...
CONFERENCE ROOM. Toby is in a meeting with some people. As soon as he’s done, C.J. enters.
WOMAN
Two weeks and we’re in New Hampshire.
TOBY
Anything else? [beat] Okay. Thanks everybody.
PILOT [on P.A.]
...Our flight time today is an hour and 52.
C.J.
Excuse me.
TOBY
Is it possible we’re riding into town in a soy-diesel bus?
C.J.
There was talk of it, but that idea got kicked off pretty quick.
TOBY
Yeah, okay.
C.J.
I’m gonna go back there. Have you guys zeroed in on a message for the day?
TOBY
How to reform the freedom to form act?
C.J.
[sighs] Ritchie’s pulled in to single digits in the overnights.
TOBY
I saw.
C.J.
What a gift from heaven it would be if he won.
TOBY
Hmm? Yeah.
Out of the room they walk.
C.J.
So, the Four-H Convention?
TOBY
We’re not going.
C.J.
I don’t get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?
TOBY
I’m that way.
C.J.
There’s also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper, which has, I swear to God, Toby...
TOBY
Butter on the table?
C.J.
It’s got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter. An almost
mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewers to recall Marcel Duchamp.
TOBY
How do they keep it from melting?
C.J.
How indeed.
In the other end of the passageway, when Toby gets his coffee, Nancy walks up.
NANCY
Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.
TOBY
Thank you.
They walk back to the staff cabin.
C.J.
Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.
Toby picks up the phone.
MAN
[on the phone] Mr. Ziegler, this is Signal Operator Number 41. I have a call from Mr.
Seaborn in the White House.
TOBY
Thank you.
C.J.
Duchamp is the father of Dadaism.
TOBY
I know.
C.J.
The dada of Dada.
TOBY
It’s like there’s nothing you can do about that joke. It’s coming, and you just have to
stand there.
C.J.
The cow made of butter? That’s how I like my irony served, my friend.
TOBY
I have a phone call waiting that’s being relayed through four satellites.
C.J.
Okay. [a stare] Okay.
TOBY
[answers the phone] Yeah.
THE WHITE HOUSE. Sam just got his coffee from the mess and heads for his office.
SAM
Hey, I’m gonna guess where you are right now, okay?
TOBY
Okay.
SAM
Wheels-up was 5:35 heading west-northwest. [looks at his watch] You’re not at your
cruising altitude yet, so I’m gonna say an average of 400 knots with a light headwind,
but I’m gonna go ahead and guess Cumberland, West Virginia. Am I right?
TOBY
I have no idea.
SAM
Well, then we’ll say I’m right. Listen, do you remember Bob Engler?
TOBY
No.
SAM
I met with him a few years ago from the U.S. Space Command.
TOBY
He told you they were tracking UFO in the skies over Maui?
SAM
Yeah. Do you have any idea why I have another appointment with him today?
TOBY
I don’t.
SAM
Okay.
Sam reaches his office. Toby sits.
TOBY
Listen, Ritchie’s made a statement last night in support of the Pennsylvania Referendum
banning any use of race in college admission. I think the President should say something
in the U.I. Campus.
SAM
About affirmative action?
TOBY
Yeah.
SAM
He shouldn’t.
TOBY
Why?
SAM
Because Ritchie’s not gonna be the Republican nominee for President.
TOBY
Write up a few sentences would you? Send it up to the plane right away.
SAM
Yeah.
TOBY
Okay. [hangs up]
CUT TO: INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - DAY
Josh comes in his office to start the day. Donna is already there.
JOSH
Hi.
DONNA
Good morning.
JOSH
I’m a little tired today.
DONNA
Really?
JOSH
Yeah.
DONNA
From the lovemaking?
JOSH
I’m supposed to see Leo.
DONNA
Yeah.
They walk out of the office to go see Leo.
DONNA [CONT.]
Listen. I need a favor. I need you to get me out of jury duty.
JOSH
Why?
DONNA
‘Cause I have jury duty.
JOSH
When?
DONNA
Tomorrow.
JOSH
Well, why don’t you wait till we’re a little closer and ask me again?
DONNA
Can you do it?
JOSH
No.
DONNA
Why not?
JOSH
What kind of legal authority do you think I’m empowered with?
DONNA
But you’re a powerful man.
JOSH
[stops] You get... Yes, thank you.
LOBBY. A maintenance man is working on the ceiling as they pass by.
JOSH [CONT.]
You get deferrals, don’t you?
DONNA
Only four.
JOSH
And?
DONNA
I-I’ve used them all up.
JOSH
Then it looks like justice is finally in your hands.
DONNA
I don’t want it in my hands right now. I’m kind of seeing somebody.
JOSH
Yes, well, there’s nothing I can do for you.
DONNA
I’m surprised to hear that ‘cause you’re such a powerful man. All the girls say so. Have
you been zapped of the power by the lovemaking?
On cue, Margaret passes by between them, overhearing Donna. She looks strangely at Josh.
JOSH
She... I don’t...
MARGARET
He’s waiting for you.
Josh walks in LEO’S OFFICE.
LEO
Hey.
JOSH
What’s going on in Vieques? Protesters?
LEO
Yeah. Listen. Something like five ships out of the U.S.S. Thurman Battle Carrier steamed
in yesterday. What they need is final combat certifications before they can be deployed
to the Indian Ocean where they’re needed right now.
JOSH
Yeah.
LEO
You understand they need to do ship-to-shore gunnery and air-to-ground bombing exercises
before they’re certified, and they can’t go until they’re certified.
JOSH
Okay.
LEO
[stands] All right. So some 40 protesters have planted themselves in a live target range.
JOSH
I don’t-I’m sorry. Why am I...? This is national security.
LEO
One of the protesters, in fact, the leader, apparently, is a friend of yours.
JOSH
Billy.
LEO
Yeah.
JOSH
[pause] Arrest them. It’s what he’s waiting for you to do.
LEO
This is a well-known actor. This well-loved young man in the Hispanic community. He’s
with other well-loved men in the Hispanic community.
JOSH
Wait them out.
LEO
They’ve got supplies, and we don’t have the time. He’s got a cell phone, and we’ve got
the number.
JOSH
[beat] No.
LEO
Yeah.
JOSH
Leo, if I wasn’t working here, I’d probably be with them down there.
LEO
Yeah, but you’re working here.
JOSH
This is a crappy thing to do with friendship. These things aren’t supposed to be personal.
LEO
We’re at DefCon 4. I’m sorry. We’re arranging the call.
Leo doesn’t wait for a response. He walks in the Roosevelt Room.
CUT TO: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY
In the President’s cabin, Bartlet is having a meeting. Toby waits outside.
BARTLET
You can check a whip count, but I don’t think we get 60 votes in a cloture motion.
WOMAN
We think we lose eight Democrats who don’t want to spend capital on a foreign aid budget.
BARTLET
I think we lose eight Democrats once they find there is a foreign aid budget. [beat]
Anything else?
EVERYONE
Thank you, Mr. President.
Toby waits for everyone to walk out before he enters.
BARTLET
What’s up?
TOBY
Uh, well, Ritchie made a statement last night in support of the Referendum in
Pennsylvania. Sam’s gonna work on a few lines in response.
BARTLET
Look, he’s gonna make statements during the primary that force me to move to my left.
It’s not like I get a swing at every pitch, right?
TOBY
You know everyone still thinks it’s gonna be Simon.
BARTLET
You and I know different.
TOBY
The overnights have Ritchie inside single digits.
BARTLET
Every candidate’s dream opponent, huh?
TOBY
Yeah.
BARTLET
I’ll take a look at what Sam does.
TOBY
[pause] We should respond.
BARTLET
I’ll take a look at it.
TOBY
Thank you, Mr. President.
Toby leaves. We overhear the news.
NEWSCASTER 2
...the race officially began today, as the Iowa caucus gets underway...
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *
ACT TWO
FADE IN: INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - DAY
6:26 A.M.
Sam knocks on the door.
JOSH
Come in.
Sam enters and sits across the desk from Josh.
SAM
What’s going on?
JOSH
I’m waiting for a phone call.
SAM
I mean in Vieques.
JOSH
Billy Molina and some people were in a Coast Guard line. They’ve camped out in the live
target range. There’s a carrier that has to fire in the live target range or they can’t
be certified. If they’re not certified, they can’t be deployed, and they have to be
deployed.
SAM
So they’re hooking you up with Billy.
JOSH
[stands and walks] Yeah. It’s a strange day when I’m involved with National Security.
SAM
I was just thinking the same thing.
JOSH
You know what else?
SAM
What?
JOSH
Tandy asked Amy to marry him.
SAM
[pause] Seriously?
JOSH
Yeah. She said no.
SAM
Yeah.
JOSH
[sits back down] That happened fast, don’t you think?
SAM
No, no. Don’t do this.
JOSH
What?
SAM
I recognize this.
JOSH
As what?
SAM
She didn’t break up with him for you. I guarantee it. She is a fully independent woman.
She’s the real thing. Stop looking at her different than you did yesterday.
JOSH
I just said it was a little fast.
SAM
The next thing that happens, you find a reason to be mad at her.
JOSH
You’re wrong.
SAM
Guys like you?
JOSH
Yeah?
SAM
I’m one of them.
DONNA
[enters] Josh?
JOSH
Yeah?
DONNA
He’s on.
Sam takes his leave. Josh answers the phone.
JOSH
Billy, it’s Josh. Okay, just tell me a couple things first. Is everybody okay? Is anybody
hurt?
CUT TO: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY
Toby is reading from a draft. Bartlet listens.
TOBY
[reads] “The American Dream is opportunity, and together we must give every child the
chance to reach for his or her dreams. This is why we must ensure the opportunity is
real, that the dream is neither deferred nor denied, that hope is not a privilege for
the few...” [to Bartlet] This is Sam’s?
BARTLET
No. I reworked it.
TOBY
“...but a promise for all generations to follow.” Sir, I’ve read it twice, and I don’t
even know where you stand on affirmative action.
BARTLET
Yeah. I was trying to avoid a quote.
TOBY
As well as nouns and pronouns.
BARTLET
It’s purposely nonspecific.
TOBY
I don’t even know what we’re talking about.
BARTLET
We get the word out to our friends, but I was obviously nodding in the direction of
affirmative action.
TOBY
How about if we oppose affirmative action and get the word out to our friends you were
just kidding?
BARTLET
Nobody’s questioning where we stand.
TOBY
Sir...
BARTLET
I don’t want to campaign today.
TOBY
[beat] What happened to writing a new book?
BARTLET
We will, but we don’t... Man, we don’t have to piss people off everyday in order to
demonstrate that we’re not...
TOBY
Yes.
BARTLET
Look, we’re going to Iowa where we already won. I’m not ignoring the state, and I say
thank you for getting me elected in the first place, and we’re back on the plane. And
I’ll tell you what else. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be fighting for news
coverage with three governors, two senators, and the head of the church of I Hate You.
Let’s just get in under the radar.
TOBY
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
I’ll say a few words.
TOBY
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
That’s it.
TOBY
Thank you, Mr. President.
Toby exits when he gives back the draft. He walks to the staff cabin and sits down.
To his left is C.J.
C.J.
What’d he say?
No response. Toby just looks away.
C.J.
They say something in the primary that force us to the left so that we have to...
TOBY
Is that how it works?
C.J.
Yes.
TOBY
Tell me more, Obi-Wan.
C.J.
I’m saying...
TOBY
He’s going to a college campus. It’s a pretty good time to talk about affirmative action
when it comes to admissions.
C.J.
[beat] Yeah.
TOBY
What?
C.J.
Your father didn’t need affirmative action and neither did mine, and they were both
children of immigrants.
TOBY
Your father needed the G.I. bill and so did mine.
C.J.
[pause] I’m the wrong Democrat to talk to about this.
TOBY
Why?
C.J.
‘Cause... [pause] After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs
every college graduate to become. He became a teacher, and he raised a family on a
teachers salary. And he paid his taxes, and always crossed at the green. And anytime
there was an opportunity for career advancement, it took an extra five years because
invariably there is a less-qualified black woman in the picture, so instead of retiring
as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the
math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High.
TOBY
How is he these days?
C.J.
Who?
TOBY
Your dad.
C.J.
[pause] He’s fine.
CUT TO: INT. LEO’S OFFICE - DAY
Josh walks in. Leo and two other men are already inside.
JOSH
We got cut off.
LEO
We know.
MAN 1
The cell phone went dead, and they have to recharge it. They’re gonna need to use a solar
recharger, and that’s gonna take a few hours.
JOSH
Why a few hours?
LEO
For the weather to clear.
MAN 1
Look, when you get back on the phone with him, we’d like you to stand a little tougher.
JOSH
Excuse me?
MAN 1
I said we’d like you to...
JOSH
Then you get on the phone with him.
MAN 1
Look...
JOSH
This isn’t a hostage situation. It’s a legitimate protest.
MAN 1
One where...
JOSH
You’re free. Excuse me, sir. You’re free to arrest them or shoot them, but we won’t
because it’s bad politics. Let’s just remember what the thing is here.
MAN 1
This is not the time for people to be protesting.
JOSH
Puerto Rico lived under Spain for four centuries, under the U.S. for one. In 500 years,
it hasn’t determined its own destiny for five minutes. They’re using depleted uranium
shells--
MAN 1
A lecture about...
JOSH
--napalm, cluster bombs. Vieques has a cancer rate 25% higher than the rest of Puerto
Rico. When is the time to be protesting? Tell me. I’ll tell them. They’ll do it.
LEO
We’ll need you in a few hours.
JOSH
[pause] Thank you. [leaves abruptly]
CUT TO: INT. WOMEN’S LEADERSHIP COALITION - DAY
Josh is walking down a fancy hallway. On a monitor, Amy is in a ballroom speaking to a
friendly crowd. Josh walks into the ballroom and watches from the back.
AMY
100 Anti-choice votes. I’m not fine with it. A Congress that votes to ban late-term
abortions even when a woman’s life is in danger. “Affordable day care” is a contradiction
in terms. Gag rules and old men who think women’s issues should be the subject of PTA
meetings and not the U.S. House of Representatives. I’m not fine with it. The WLC’s not
fine with it. Women aren’t fine with it.
APPLAUSE.
AMY [CONT.]
It’s really something every two years we get to overthrow a government.
More APPLAUSE.
AMY [CONT.]
And guess what’s coming up in November? In ten months, we can make the difference. Let’s
get out the vote. Let’s get ourselves organized. Let’s get the Congress we deserve. Thank
you very much and may God bless America.
A thunderous APPLAUSE as Amy gets a standing ovation. As she shakes hands with guests,
she sees Josh in the back, who motions for her to come.
CUT TO: INT. AMY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Josh is waiting. Other people are in the room as well. Amy sees Josh.
AMY
Hi.
JOSH
Hi.
AMY
Did you hear the whole thing?
JOSH
I heard you overthrow the government.
AMY
That’s always money in the bank.
JOSH
Tell me about it.
AMY
Hey guys, could I have the room for a minute?
The others leave the room for Amy and Josh.
JOSH
Is there someone who can take care of Henry?
AMY
[pause] What do you have against Henry?
JOSH
Nothing. I... love Henry. Is there someone that takes care of him when you go away?
AMY
I leave him with my sister.
JOSH
What do you think about going away for a few days?
AMY
Where?
JOSH
Tahiti... or Paris. Venice. We can go to Epcot if you want.
AMY
Tahiti?
JOSH
Lie on the beach, dance at night, reggae, a little UB-40...
AMY
Reggae’s the Caribbean.
JOSH
They don’t have reggae in Tahiti?
AMY
I think we should find out.
JOSH
I’m sorry?
AMY
I said I think we should find out.
JOSH
We should.
AMY
When?
JOSH
Day after tomorrow.
AMY
Okay.
JOSH
Okay.
AMY
Okay. [smiles]
JOSH
I’m buying plane tickets right now. I’m making reservations.
AMY
Go.
JOSH
I’m going.
AMY
You’re not going fast enough.
JOSH
I’m saying when I walk out that door, I’m buying plane tickets.
AMY
I’m saying when I walk out that door, I’m buying new bikinis.
JOSH
I’m going fast now.
Amy is still smiling as Josh leaves.
CUT TO: EXT. THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA - DAY
Secret Service agents are posted outside the campus. By the main stairs of the building,
a woman is passing out small American flags to passersby. Nearby, an open van is parked.
It holds some television screens inside. Toby is pacing in front of a TV screen and
smoking a cigar as he watches Bartlet make his speech in front of the Iowa press inside
the campus building.
WOMAN [on T.V.]
Mr. President, can you speak on environmental impact on the water, sir?
BARTLET [on T.V.]
Well, farming isn’t the only cause, even the main cause, but it’s a significance in land
use in watersheds and run-offs from dairy operations from hog and poultry operations.
They can be carried into the water by rainfall and snowmelt. It’s what’s called “non
point source pollution.”
The reporters clamor for questions.
BARTLET [on T.V.]
Yeah, over here. [points]
DONALD ATWELL [on T.V.]
Mr. President, Donald Atwell, Iowa City Standard. Governor Ritchie came out this morning
in support of the Pennsylvania Referendum banning affirmative action, with regards to
college admissions, and I was wondering if you’d comment.
BARTLET [on T.V.]
Well, you know what, now that we’ve abolished discrimination in our laws, we need to
abolish it in our hearts and minds.
DONALD ATWELL [on T.V.]
But specifically with regards to...
The reporters continue to clamor.
BARTLET [on T.V.]
Thanks a lot everybody. It’s great to be back in Iowa.
Bartlet steps off of his podium. Toby had suddenly stopped and touched his head. Bartlet
was asked the question, and his answer doesn’t please Toby.
FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *
ACT THREE
FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY
4:45 P.M.
Donna joins Sam as he walks down the hall.
DONNA
Sam? Sam ol’ man.
SAM
Yes.
DONNA
I need you to give me some voir dire coaching.
SAM
You want to be chosen for a jury?
DONNA
I want to not be chosen for a jury.
They walk in the COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN.
SAM
All right. Well, the lawyers are gonna ask you some general questions, and...
DONNA
For instance?
SAM
Do you know any reason why you can’t render an impartial verdict?
DONNA
I hate criminals.
SAM
Do you have any prejudices or feelings that might influence the jury in rendering a
verdict?
DONNA
I hate criminals, and I’m assuming if you’re in this courtroom, you did something wrong,
so...
SAM
Yeah. The judge is gonna throw you in jail.
GINGER
[enters] Sam?
When Sam looks, Ginger points towards the Roosevelt Room.
SAM
Here I go.
CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY
Sam walks in slowly and quietly. His guest is sitting down, but a lampshade blocks Sam’s
view of Bob Engler’s face.
SAM
Bob?
BOB
Sam?
He walks to face him.
SAM
How’ve you been?
BOB
I’ve been well.
SAM
[sits] Hey, you know what? You remember that UFO you were tracking over Maui? Turned out
to be an abandoned Russian satellite. One of its rockets didn’t fire, so it couldn’t
reenter.
BOB
So you would have us believe.
SAM
No, really.
BOB
Yes, of course.
SAM
[pause] Why don’t we get to it, Bob?
BOB
Absolutely, Sam. On behalf of two different Congressmen, I would like permission to tour
the U.S. Bullion Depository.
SAM
Where is that?
BOB
Fort Knox, Kentucky.
SAM
Talk to the Treasury Department.
BOB
We have, and not at all surprisingly, they’ve said no.
SAM
Why do you want to tour Fort Knox?
BOB
It was brought to our attention that of the 8500 metric tons of gold that are stored
there, only 1000 remain.
SAM
Really?
BOB
Yes, sir.
SAM
Who brought it to your attention?
BOB
Let’s just say a friend of ours.
SAM
[beat] A human friend, or...?
BOB
Sam, I know what you think of me and the work I do. I’ve lived with this attitude my
whole life. My father lived with it, too. I’m seeking a Presidential order for the
depository to be audited.
SAM
Well, I’ll pass that along.
BOB
I’m sure you will.
SAM
Bob...
BOB
Has the President ever toured the vault?
SAM
No.
BOB
No. Only two Presidents have: Roosevelt and Truman.
SAM
You think there’s something funny going on?
BOB
I, and two Congressmen think the gold has been replaced.
SAM
With what?
Silence. Sam couldn’t help but listen.
SAM
I won’t get sucked into this.
BOB
Sam...
SAM
I won’t get sucked into this.
BOB
The Papoose Lake Spacecraft...
SAM
There’s no such thing.
BOB
...taken from Roswell to Groom Lake in 1947. A little piece of land called Area 51, my
friend.
SAM
This is like Dungeons and Dragons camp all over again. We tested U-2 planes in Area 51.
BOB
Which is why, in ’57, they had to take Papoose to Fort Knox.
SAM
I’ve got news for you. Ten years ago, the Secretary of the Air Force concluded an
exhausted search of records.
BOB
Oh, I read it, and my father read it, and the report concluded that the activities in the
desert was balloon research.
SAM
It was balloon research.
BOB
A crew was retrieved.
SAM
They were anthropomorphic dummies.
BOB
Sam, patronize me, laugh at my work, but please don’t minimize the lifetime my father
spent in this pursuit. The man had three Ph.D.s. There were bodies at Roswell Army
Airfield Hospital.
Outside, Josh knocks at the door. Sam gets up.
SAM
Excuse me. [stops just short of the door and turns to look at Bob]
When did your dad pass away?
BOB
Pardon?
SAM
When did he pass away?
BOB
Three months ago.
SAM
Excuse me.
Sam exits and faces Josh.
JOSH
Listen...
SAM
I’m sorry, but I’m in there with this guy. You wouldn’t believe it. He insists the
government is concealing evidence of extraterrestrial contact, and we’ve got it at
Fort Knox.
Not sure how to reply, Josh changes the subject.
JOSH
We were able to make a deal with Billy. They’ll pull off the island right away. In
exchange, we meet with a delegation, political affairs, Navy...
SAM
It’s not gonna look like we caved?
JOSH
We’ll be slapped by the right, but they’re not gonna want to piss off the Latinos.
SAM
Good.
JOSH
You know what else? I’m going to Tahiti with Amy.
SAM
You’re kidding.
JOSH
Day after tomorrow. [beat] So this, this guy...
SAM
Yeah, the thing is... he kind of inherited the family business.
JOSH
I-I gotta go online and buy Tahitian things.
SAM
Okay.
When Josh walks off, Sam goes back in.
SAM
Bob?
BOB
Yes?
SAM
[sits] I was just talking to... Let’s just say I talked to an associate. This associate
has higher clearance than I do.
BOB
And?
SAM
You can keep pursuing this, and I imagine you will, but we can’t give you the proper
paperwork you’ll need to audit the vault. [beat] You understand?
BOB
[disgruntled] Oh, I think I understand.
SAM
Do you?
BOB
Wink’s as good as a nod to a blind man.
SAM
Yeah... Listen. These two Congressmen, they’re Democrats?
BOB
[pause] I’m not at liberty to say.
SAM
I understand. Thank you very much.
BOB
Thank you, Sam.
CUT TO: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY
Toby, C.J., and Charlie are seated. The pilot speaks.
PILOT [on P.A.]
Well, Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, from the Flight Deck, this is Lieutenant
Colonel Gantry. We’ll reach our cruising altitude of 37,000 feet in approximately 20
minutes as we pass over Elgin, Illinois, Detroit, Akron, McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania
before we begin our final descent in Andrews. Enjoy the flight.
TOBY
It’s happening again.
C.J.
Toby...
TOBY
It is.
C.J.
He was good.
TOBY
No, he wasn’t.
C.J.
He was what he was supposed to be.
TOBY
He was Uncle Fluffy. It’s Dr. Jekyll and Uncle Fluffy all over again.
C.J.
He said he wasn’t gonna respond to Ritchie, and I totally agree that it’s too early.
TOBY
He was asked the question. He was asked the question.
More turbulence. The plane rumbles.
TOBY
[to Charlie] No word on the Republicans?
CHARLIE
There’s a poll that has Ritchie pulling even.
C.J.
Oh, that’d be too much to hope for.
TOBY
There’s an old expression: “Quando dio, ole castigarci ci manda, quello che desideriamo.”
When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. [pause] Anyway, he’s doing it
again.
The plane rumbles before we-
CUT TO: INT. LEO’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Leo is on his way to leave when Josh walks in.
JOSH
You wanted me?
LEO
Yeah. It’s all set up.
JOSH
The meeting?
LEO
Yeah.
They walk out into the HALLWAY.
JOSH
This is great. Good is gonna come from this.
LEO
Maybe.
JOSH
Maybe. Yeah, but how often do you get to...
LEO
Yeah.
JOSH
When’s the meeting?
LEO
Day after tomorrow.
JOSH
[pause] You’re kidding.
LEO
No.
JOSH
Perfect.
LEO
We wanted to do it right away.
JOSH
Yeah.
They stop walking.
LEO
What’s the problem?
JOSH
Nothing.
LEO
What’s the problem?
JOSH
There’s a woman I’ve been...
LEO
Amy Gardner.
JOSH
[beat] Yeah.
LEO
I hear things.
JOSH
I know.
LEO
I try to forget them quickly, but...
JOSH
We were supposed to... This is ridiculous. We were supposed to go away.
LEO
Where?
JOSH
It doesn’t matter. We just... We’ve been having trouble getting together on...
Day after tomorrow?
LEO
Go.
JOSH
I can’t.
LEO
Go.
JOSH
I need to be here for this.
LEO
No, you don’t.
JOSH
Don’t worry about it.
LEO
My wife lives in my house. I live in a hotel. And this is why.
JOSH
Yeah. Okay. I-I’m glad it’s taken care of. I’m glad we got the meeting.
LEO
Okay.
They part ways. Donna joins Josh as they walk to the BULLPEN AREA.
DONNA
Listen.
JOSH
Yeah.
DONNA
The trick, obviously, is appearing unsuitable not just for this, but for any jury while
avoiding a contempt citation. So wouldn’t you think if I just explain to them that my
boss is a lawyer, my lawyer’s a lawyer, and I’m dating a lawyer, that that ought to...
JOSH
It’s jury duty. It’s not appendectomy. It’s jury duty. Do it, don’t do it, but if you
don’t do it, you don’t get to complain about the O.J. verdict.
He leaves Donna by her desk.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Josh sits on his chair, picks up his phone and dials. On the other end, Amy answers.
CUT TO: INT. AMY’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Amy is lying face down on her bed next to her dog while reading a Tahitian book.
AMY
Hello?
JOSH
Amy?
AMY
Josh.
JOSH
Yeah.
AMY
“Ia ro-rah-nah my-tie oh-ay.” I’ve just said, “Hello, how are you” in Tahitian. Now you
say, “My-tie vah-oo,” which means “I am fine.”
JOSH
I can’t go day after tomorrow.
AMY
Yeah.
JOSH
I mean I can go another time, but I can’t go day after tomorrow.
AMY
Well, it was pretty sudden for you.
JOSH
It was pretty sudden for anybody, Amy.
AMY
You’re the one who asked me.
JOSH
There was a problem in Vieques today, and we came to a good resolution, and it involves
a meeting day after tomorrow.
AMY
And Leo’s making you stay for the meeting?
JOSH
Yeah. No. He’s not. I want to stay.
AMY
Okay.
JOSH
For one thing, it involves a friend of mine, and he did something he didn’t want to do,
and... Look, I just want to make sure his back is covered.
AMY
Look, don’t get angry at me.
JOSH
I’m not.
AMY
You’re getting preemptively angry with me, which assumes I’m other people, and frankly,
I’d rather be a political asset, if you know what I mean.
JOSH
I do, and when you’re done comparison-shopping, give me a call.
AMY
Well, I’d definitely be waiting by your phone, Josh. Take it easy.
When Josh hangs up, Donna enters.
DONNA
Josh.
JOSH
Yeah.
DONNA
I don’t know if you care, but you officially won the Iowa Democratic Caucus. [exits]
FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *
ACT FOUR
FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
9:25 P.M.
Toby and C.J. are just getting back from the trip.
TOBY
You know, after slavery and voting rights, if the occasional Caucasian loses a
promotion...
C.J.
I think we’re gonna have to agree to disagree.
TOBY
I don’t like doing that.
Ginger passes by.
TOBY
Ginger, you got it?
GINGER
Right here. [gives him a file]
C.J.
You phoned ahead for research?
TOBY
Sure. This is Washington on the need for a national university.
C.J.
I’m pretty tired.
TOBY
It’s brief.
C.J.
Toby, please.
C.J. enters her office. Toby stays outside and reads from the file.
TOBY
[reads] “In the general, juvenile period of life, when friendships are formed and habits
established that will stick by one, the youth from different parts of the United States
would be assembled together and would, by degree, discover that there was not just cause
for those jealousies and prejudices, which one part of the union imbided against one
another.” [walks in]
C.J.
He said, “We banished discrimination from our laws. Now let’s banish discrimination from
our minds and hearts.”
TOBY
Who?
C.J.
The President in Iowa. He said, “Let’s banish discrimination from our minds and hearts.”
How is affirmative action doing that?
TOBY
I’m talking about college admissions.
C.J.
I’m talking about my father.
TOBY
Why?
C.J.
‘Cause he’s not doing fine. He forgets things. [pause] He forgets things.
TOBY
[pause] He’s not a young guy anymore.
C.J.
I’m not talking about dates and phone numbers.
TOBY
[beat] I know.
C.J.
He forgets what’s going on. He thought this was the general election today, and...
he snaps back in, but... [pause] And I... I think sometimes that if he’d lived...
[voice breaking] the life he wanted to... [sits] And he’s gotta watch me bopping around
on Air Force One.
Sam, unaware of the current atmosphere, walks in.
SAM
Hey! Welcome back.
C.J.
Sam, have you ever seen the butter cow at the Four-H Convention?
SAM
I have. And the butter Last Supper with the butter?
C.J.
Yes.
SAM
[to Toby] You know what the Bob Engler meeting turned out to be?
TOBY
This is the UFO guy?
SAM
Yeah. He thinks the government is keeping alien bodies at the Bullion Depository in Fort
Know. What are we keeping in the Bullion Depository in Fort Knox?
C.J.
[pause] Soup?
SAM
No, seriously. There used to be 8500 metric tons of gold there, now most of them’s moved
out.
C.J.
Yeah.
SAM
What’s there now?
TOBY
I wouldn’t ask a lot of questions, Sam.
SAM
What do you mean?
TOBY
Don’t worry about it.
SAM
Okay. I’m going back to my office. [exits]
TOBY
[pause, to C.J.] Call him.
He waits a moment before leaving.
CUT TO: INT. JOSH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The room is very dark. Someone knocks at the door.
JOSH
Coming.
Josh opens the door for Amy.
AMY
Donna told me to come over. What’s going on?
JOSH
Thanks for coming. [invites her in] Something’s wrong with the lights. Let me feel
around for a switch here.
All of a sudden, Josh switches the light on. The room is now decorated with colorful
lights and other Tahitian ornaments. At the same time, music is played. Amy looks around,
amazed at the view.
SINGER
Red, red wine
Goes to my head
Makes me forget that I...
AMY
You did this?
JOSH
A little piece of Tahiti right here in Georgetown. Would you like a Samoan Fog Cutter
or a Navy Grog? A Samoan Fog Cutter has three kinds of rum, including Bacardi 451 and...
[Amy plays with his ear] the difference between that and a Navy Grog is...
AMY
Did you ask me over to exchange recipes?
Josh puts red lei around Amy’s neck.
AMY
Should I change?
JOSH
Into what?
AMY
I remember a pair of big pajamas.
JOSH
[smiles] Yeah. Good thinking.
AMY
You can turn on the news, you know.
JOSH
I don’t want to turn on the news.
AMY
Just to see how they’re covering Iowa.
Amy pushes a button on the remote control and turns the TV on...
NEWSCASTER
...by 12 points...
But Josh snatches it and turns the TV off.
SINGER
Red, red wine
Stay close to me
Don’t let me be alone...
As Josh and Amy get comfortably close, Josh leans in to kiss her.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Charlie goes by the Oval Office door. Toby is waiting by the desk.
CHARLIE
Sir?
BARTLET [O.S.]
Yeah?
CHARLIE
Can you see Toby?
BARTLET [O.S.]
No.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir. [walks back]
BARTLET [O.S.]
Charlie?
Charlie returns.
BARTLET [O.S.]
Send him in.
THE OVAL OFFICE. Toby walks in.
TOBY
Good evening sir.
BARTLET
I thought you’d gone home.
TOBY
I was just watching some of the coverage.
BARTLET
It’s gonna be Ritchie.
TOBY
Yeah.
BARTLET
I mean it’s gonna be Ritchie.
TOBY
I know.
BARTLET
It would have been, I don’t know, it would have seemed obnoxious. It would’ve seemed
like grandstanding. [beat] You want some bourbon?
TOBY
Thank you, sir.
BARTLET
[stands to get the drinks] What do you think?
TOBY
I was a telemarketer for about a week. I can’t remember what we were selling, but you
worked off a script. “Hi. Good evening. My name is...” And “Toby Ziegler” was okay for
New York, but once I got into the other time zones, I needed a name. I wasn’t gonna
bother anybody.
BARTLET
Toby, if you have something to say, please say it.
He offers Toby the bourbon, which he takes.
TOBY
Ritchie’s good for all time zones.
BARTLET
[sits] My family signed the Declaration of Independence. You think I’ve got an ethnicity
problem?
TOBY
Well, the line isn’t between light skin and dark skin.
BARTLET
Yeah?
TOBY
[sits] It’s between educated and masculine... or Eastern Academic Elite and Plain-Spoken.
BARTLET
It’s always been like that.
TOBY
Yeah, but a funny thing happened when the White House got demystified. The impression
was left that anybody could do it.
BARTLET
You’re not telling me anything I don’t know.
TOBY
It’s one thing that Ritchie came out for the Pennsylvania Referendum today, but the
manner in which he articulated it. His presence, the clear sign he wasn’t personally
engaged with the facts.
BARTLET
Toby...
TOBY
His staff was cringing, I promise you, and we let it go.
BARTLET
It wasn’t the moment to go.
TOBY
You were asked the question.
BARTLET
[pause] Do you have anything else?
TOBY
[sighs] Sir, I don’t think I need to tell you that the level of respect with which the
staff speaks of you doesn’t change, depending on whether or not you’re in the room.
BARTLET
But?
TOBY
Well, there’s always been a concern... about the two Bartlets. [beat] The absent-minded
professor with the “Aw, Dad” sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all
time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated.
Lethal.
BARTLET
You’re gonna sing a country western song?
TOBY
The one whose father never liked him because he was too smart.
BARTLET
[stands] This stopped being fun for me a little while ago.
TOBY
Sir?
BARTLET
It was actually never fun for me. I was just being polite.
He goes back to the side to refill his drink.
TOBY
[pause] Your father used to hit you, didn’t he, Mr. President?
BARTLET
[with back turned] Excuse me?
TOBY
Your father used to hit you, sir?
The President turns around slowly.
BARTLET
[pause] Yeah.
TOBY
Not like a spanking.
BARTLET
He hit me. Why?
TOBY
He punched you.
BARTLET
I’m done being polite now.
TOBY
He did it because you made him mad, but you didn’t know why.
BARTLET
Toby, it was a complicated relationship. Can I help you?
TOBY
It was because you were smarter than he was.
BARTLET
It was a complicated relationship.
TOBY
He didn’t like you, sir. That’s why he hit you. That’s why people hit each other.
He didn’t like you. You were smarter than he was.
BARTLET
Why are we talking about this?
TOBY
So maybe if you get enough votes, win one more election, maybe your father will--
BARTLET
You have stepped WAY over the line, and any other President would have your ass on the
sidewalk right now.
TOBY
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
They would’ve had you on the sidewalk a long time ago. [firmly] I don’t know what the
hell goes on in a Brooklyn shrink’s office, but get it the hell out of my house!
Toby is silenced. It might have been too much.
TOBY
Thank you, Mr. President.
He quietly leaves. In the Outer Office, a television is on.
NEWSCASTER [on T.V.]
...unchallenged by his own party. With no opposition, he could easily bypass the Iowa
Caucus, but according to a White House spokesman...
Toby stops to turn the TV off. In the Oval Office, Bartlet sits down, deep in thought.
Amidst the silence, a clock is ticking.
DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *
The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.
Episode 3.12 -- “The Two Bartlets”
Original Airdate: January 30, 2002, 9:00 PM EST
Transcribed by: Giorgio
March 6, 2002