Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Roz and Frasier are on the sofa working on some promos. Daphne is sat
at the table.Roz: I'm sorry I brought Alice today when we have so much work to
do.
Frasier: Oh, that's all right, Roz. You know what, you'll find another
nanny soon.
Roz: I better. I have a date tomorrow. It's my first one in a
month. A month! Between spending my days with you and my
nights with Alice, I've forgot what a real conversation is
like.
Frasier: Well, don't tell Alice that, it might hurt her feelings.
Roz gives Frasier a look. Then we hear crying from the back bedrooms.
Roz: There we go again!
Roz enters as Martin and Niles enter. Niles is in his suit, Martin is
wearing a long overcoat. They all greet each other.
Niles: Just look at the dapper gent I ran into on the elevator.
Martin: All right, Niles, that's enough. Yes, I like the suit you
got me. [Martin takes overcoat off revealing a black suit]
Niles: All right. Well, tell me about the comments. Did everybody
there ooh and aah?
Martin: Nope, people were pretty much looking at the guy in the
casket.
Frasier: So, Dad, how was the funeral?
Martin: Oh, it was terrible. It's not at all the way Stan would have
wanted it. They did everything on the cheap and that daughter
of his, she didn't even get the good priest. She got some
rookie from the seminary who stumbled all through the eulogy
and couldn't even pronounce "Wojadubakowski!"
Niles: Well, I can commiserate with you, Dad. I had a rather bad day
on the death front myself. [heads to sherry shelf] Sherry?
Frasier: Yes please, Niles.
Niles: [pours two glasses] I received a letter today saying,
thanks to my divorce, I've lost my plot at Seattle's
toniest cemetery.
Frasier: You mean, you're out of "Verdant Hills?" Oh, I am sorry, I
know how much you were looking forward to being dead there.
Niles crosses with drinks and sits on sofa.
Niles: They've wait-listed me, but I don't like my odds.
Frasier: I don't blame you. One country club fire, you can kiss your
chances goodbye.
Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a
mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my make-up for
the wedding. [exits to her room]
Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride?
Very life-like." Dad, you know, I'm sorry about your friend's
funeral not going so well. Rest assured, when the time comes -
years from now - Niles and I will follow your wishes to the
letter.
Martin: Thank you.
Niles: Wait, Dad, what are your wishes?
Martin: Never mind, I'm not going to go planning my own funeral,
it's bad luck.
Frasier: But, Dad...
Martin: Ah, ah, ah, you don't pull the cord on the bus until you're
ready to get off.
Martin exits to his room.
Niles: [confused] Pull the what on the what?
Frasier: I don't know.
Niles: I'm surprised. I didn't know Dad had such a bugaboo about
his funeral arrangements.
Frasier: Yeah, I know, it's a painful subject, but we've got to plan
for it. We all must be prepared when the cold hand of death
comes knocking on our door.
A knocking is then heard on the front door. Frasier and Niles look
at each other.
Frasier: Would you get that?
Niles: I most certainly will not.
Frasier stands and opens the door. It's the pizza delivery guy,
who is none other than Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. He thrusts the
pizza into Frasier's hand.
Bulldog: Pizza.
Frasier: [taking it] Oh, thank you very much. [notices] Bulldog?
Good Lord, come in. [he does] Oh heavens, you remember
my brother Niles. Niles, you remember Bulldog.
Niles: Yes, of course. Hello, Bulldog. So, are you delivering
pizzas for a living?
Bulldog: [sarcastic] No, I'm an eccentric millionaire, this has always
been my dream.
Frasier: Bulldog, I can't tell you...
Bulldog: [interrupts] No, no, no. Can the sad face, okay? Just making
some extra cash between radio gigs.
Frasier: All right.
Bulldog: Oh, it's eighteen bucks, by the way.
Niles: Well, I just stopped by to leave off these opera tickets.
[hands them to Frasier] So, I'll be on my way.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. By the way, I'm a little short of cash.
Do you mind, er-?
Niles: Oh yes, thank you. [hands Bulldog some money] There you are,
and something extra for you. [hands Bulldog a twenty dollar
bill]
Bulldog: Whoa, that's a pretty generous tip!
Niles: I'll say, wrong bill! [exchanges it for a one dollar bill]
Niles leaves.
Bulldog: Hey, good luck, Doc, I'll see you.
Frasier: [shakes his hand] Thanks Bulldog, take care.
Bulldog: All right.
Bulldog crosses to the door but is stopped when Roz appears back from
the bedrooms.
Roz: Bulldog?
Bulldog: Hello, Roz.
Roz: Are you delivering pizzas?
Bulldog: Yeah, yeah, this is kinda awkward, huh?
Roz: Oh, no, don't be embarrassed. A job's a job.
Bulldog: No, I mean awkward for you. This is the first time you've
seen me since we had that fling and I dumped ya.
Roz: I dumped you, pizza boy!
Then Alice toddles onto the scene, Bulldog rushes to pick her up.
Bulldog: Hey, look who's here! Hey, sweet pea, you are getting so big.
Hey, look at that smile, she likes me.
Roz: She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room
anymore.
Bulldog: Who's got a mean old mommy?
Bulldog goes to play with Alice as Frasier calls Roz over to talk
to him.
Frasier: Roz. Listen, I think you may have solved your babysitting
problem.
Roz: Bulldog? Are you nuts?
Frasier: Well, look: Alice is obviously crazy about him, and he could
use the money.
Roz: I don't know.
Frasier: Okay, fine, fine, Roz. You just cancel your date. I mean,
you've been this long without a man, what's a few days more?
Roz: Bulldog, do you want a job?
FADE OUT
THE NANNY
Scene Two - Roz's Apartment.
Bulldog and Alice are at the dinner table. He is feeding her.Bulldog: Okay, one more bite, then we can watch "Sports Center."
Roz enters in her dressing gown.
Roz: Have you seen my purse?
Bulldog: Yeah, it's on the chair.
Roz: [picks it up] Steve's going to be here any minute.
Bulldog: So, you've been dating for a while?
Roz: Actually, no. Tonight's our first date. In fact, it's my
first date in a month.
Bulldog: Whoa! You injured? You pull something?
Roz: No.
Bulldog: I guess no one quite measured up to that week you spent in
the doghouse, huh?
Roz: Let's get one thing straight. That little fling we had...
Bulldog: I know, I know, I was just joking.
Roz exits to her room.
Bulldog: [to Alice] Okay. If you're not going to have some peaches,
we've got some jello in the fridge. You know, some naughty
ladies like to wrestle in that stuff.
He picks her up. There is a knock at the door.
Bulldog: Who's that? Who's that? [opens door to Steve] He-ho.
Steve: Excuse me, is this Roz Doyle's apartment?
Bulldog: Yeah, yeah, are you her date?
Steve: Yeah.
Bulldog checks behind him for Roz, then grabs Steve by the front
of his shirt.
Bulldog: Listen up: if you go out with Roz tonight, I will rip off
your arm, ram it down your throat and use it to squeeze your
heart until it stops beating. [then to Alice] Who's my
pretty girl? [grabs Steve] Okay, dirtball. Listen, when
you get out of here, you call Roz and you cancel like a
gentleman. As far as she's concerned, this conversation
never took place. Got it?
Steve: Who are you?
Bulldog: I'm your worse nightmare: the babysitter!
Bulldog shuts the door on him as Roz enters. She is wearing a very
low-cut top.
Bulldog: Whoa!
Roz: Do I look slutty?
Bulldog: All right, if you're fishing for compliments: yeah, you look
slutty.
The phone rings, Roz answers.
Roz: Hello? Hey, Steven. Oh, really? Well, tomorrow's Saturday,
I mean you won't have to... No, it's okay. Yeah, bye. [hangs
up] I don't believe it! My first date in a month and he
blows me off.
Bulldog: What, at the last minute? What a jerk! He does not deserve
you.
Roz: Thanks, Bulldog.
Bulldog: Well, I guess I can go.
Roz: Mmm.
Bulldog: Oh, I ordered a pizza. Just have him drop it by my place.
I'm at the YMCA. Have him knock hard, I turn up the radio to
drown out the sirens.
Roz: Why don't you just stay and have your pizza?
Bulldog: Are you sure?
Roz: Yeah, it's not like I'm doing anything tonight. Come and
tell us what you guys did at the park today.
Bulldog sits with Roz and Alice.
Bulldog: We fed the ducks! We went on a pony ride and then came back
for a whole jar of peas.
Roz: Peas? How did you get her to eat those?
Bulldog: There's a trick to it. You've got to pretend to sneeze them
out of your nose.
Roz: How did you come up with that?
Bulldog: It's an interesting story...
Roz: Actually, don't tell me.
FADE TO:
THE PLOTS THICKEN
Scene Three - Caf?Nervosa.
Frasier is sat drinking his coffee as Niles enters, pleased with
himself.
Frasier: Oh, good afternoon, Niles.
Niles: Coffee's on me, I'm back at "Verdant Hills" cemetery.
Frasier: Oh, well congratulations, nothing left now but all that
pesky waiting.
Niles: I haven't got the official word yet but I've called in a
favor: Bruce McGurk, he's on the board of directors. I gave
him grief counseling when his uncle was lost at sea and it
occurred to me, there's a plot gone begging!
Niles goes to the counter as Roz enters, depressed.
Roz: Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tattooed across
my forehead?
Frasier: No, Roz, but there is a rumor about a "Tweety Bird" on your
upper thigh.
Roz: I've had two dates this week and both of them have bailed
out on me at the last second. What's wrong with me?
Frasier: Oh, don't count yourself out just yet, Roz.
Roz: Yeah, right.
Frasier: No, no, there's a young man over there, can't take his eyes
off you. He's been staring at you ever since you came in.
Roz looks at the man who is sitting by the window using his laptop.
She gasps with recognition.
Roz: [like a school girl] That's Ted from the ad department!
We've been making eye contact for months.
Frasier: Oh, yes, Ted. Well, his gaze is so steamy it's re-foaming
my latte. Why don't you go other there and talk with him?
Roz: I can't. I won't know what to say.
Frasier: I tell you what, ask him to dinner. I'm going to "Chez
Henri" myself this evening, I'll call and get you a table.
Roz: I don't know, I'm feeling a little gun shy.
Frasier: Roz, you better hurry. If you talk to me another minute
longer, he'll think he's got some serious competition.
Roz: [laughs] Thanks, Frasier, I needed a good laugh to loosen
me up.
Roz, laughing, goes over to chat with Ted. Frasier then opens his
cell phone and dials.
Frasier: [into phone] Hello, it's Frasier Crane.
Niles's cell phone starts ringing. He answers it and sits with
Frasier.
Frasier: I was just wondering, I'd like to get a table for a dear
friend of mine tonight as well.
Niles: Niles Crane here. Hello, Bruce. I'm hoping you're calling
with good news about "Verdant Hills?"
Frasier: Table for two.
Niles: Yes, a plot for one.
Frasier: By the kitchen? Oh Lord, I was hoping for something near the
fireplace.
Niles: Near the parking lot? I prefer the serenity garden.
Frasier: Oh, the back row would be fine, who's at the next table?
Niles: The hilltops? Divine! Who's in the adjacent plot?
Frasier: The Ashbys, wonderful!
Niles: The Ashbys, delightful!
Frasier: Thank you very much.
Niles: I'm very grateful.
They both hang up.
Niles: McGurk got me a shady spot on the high hill.
Frasier: You mean...?
Niles: [ecstatic] Yes, I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Checkmate!
Roz then comes over.
Roz: He said yes.
Frasier: Well, of course he did Roz, congratulations. And you're all
set at "Chez Henri."
Roz: Great.
Then Bulldog enters with the pram and Alice.
Bulldog: [irate] Okay, what sorry bastard would steal a pacifier from a
kid? [slams a table] THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! [then]
Oh, found it, found it. [gives it to Alice]
Roz hurries over.
Bulldog: Hi.
Roz: You know, Bulldog, I hate to do this to you. Could you
babysit tonight? I just get a date with Ted over there.
Bulldog: [miffed] Really? Sure, just say. Way to go, slugger!
Roz: I better go home and get ready.
Bulldog: You go ahead, I'll catch up with you after I go to the can.
Roz: Lovely!
Roz exits with Alice as Bulldog goes to see Ted.
Bulldog: Hey, Ted, right?
Ted: Bulldog, long time, no see.
Bulldog: I heard you're going out with Roz tonight.
Ted: Yeah.
Bulldog: Listen up! You have her home forty-five minutes after you
pick her up or you'll be sorry.
Ted: Yeah? [stands] What are you going to do about it?
Bulldog holds his hand in front of Ted's face and breaks his own
middle finger.
Ted: Oh my God!
Bulldog: If I'm willing to do that to me, just think what I'll do to
you.
Ted: All right, forty-five minutes.
Bulldog: Or else!
Bulldog walks to the toilet feeling the pain as he goes. Then Martin
enters and crosses to the boys' table.
Martin: Hey boys, feel like taking a ride?
Frasier: Sure, Dad. Where to?
Martin: Well, I got thinking about what we were talking about
the other night, you know, about me not having made any
arrangements for myself. So, just went out and bought
myself a burial plot.
Frasier: Okay, all right, let's go have a look, Dad. I'm glad
to see you've finally realized there's no point in being
superstitious about the whole thing.
Martin: Yeah, well, I realized that if I let you plan my funeral
there'd be all harps, white wine, and frankly a lot of very
pissed-off cops!
Martin and the boys exit.
FADE TO:
Scene Four - Cemetery.
Daphne is driving her red convertible around the cemetery. Martin is
giving her directions as Niles and Frasier listen in the back seat.
Martin: Right up here on the left. I've got the whole service mapped
out. It'll start with a bagpiper marching down the aisle...
Daphne: Bagpipes? I'm having bagpipes at my wedding, you knew that!
Martin: And none of that dainty finger food, either. Big slabs of
beef! Prime rib.
Daphne: You can't have prime rib, I'm having prime rib.
Martin: Oh, for Pete's sake.
Daphne: No, no, this is lovely! If you kick off before I get married,
you'll ruin everything.
Martin: All right, all right, I'll drop the bagpipes.
Daphne: No, no, have the bagpipes! And what else are you going to
have? A big cake with a little white coffin on the top.
Martin: Oh, put a sock in it, will ya?
Daphne: It wouldn't surprise me if you had a hearst with "Just Buried"
on the side of it.
Martin: Oh, stop it! I'm warning you.
Daphne stops the car. They get out. Niles and Frasier are not
impressed but put on a brave face. They go to Martin's plot where
a big building is situated behind.
Martin: Pretty great, huh?
Niles and Frasier fake enthusiasm.
Martin: I'll put your mom's ashes over there on the left. Because
that was her side of the bed and, er, oh, see how close we
are to the maintenance shed. [points out the building]
Niles: And that's good because?
Martin: You're the first one to get mowed! Yeah, so do you really
like this place?
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Martin: Good. Fras', take about three steps over to your left, will
ya?
He does as Martin positions him.
Martin: There you are. Niles, stand right next to him. [Niles does]
Congratulations, you are standing on your very own graves.
Niles: What?!
Martin: Yes, they were for sale so I went ahead and bought them. And
seeing how much you like it out here, I'm glad I did.
Niles: But, Dad...
Martin: I know what you're gonna say, the expense! But don't worry
about it. Merry Christmas!
Niles and Frasier looks horrified as Daphne holds in her laughter.
End of Act One.
Act Two.
Scene One - Roz's Apartment.
Bulldog is preparing the dinner table for an evening meal. The door
opens and Bulldog runs off into the kitchen. Ted and Roz enter.
Ted: Sorry we had to rush out like that.
Roz: Me too, is your stomach feeling any better?
Ted: [looking around for signs of Bulldog] Not really.
Roz: Fancy some ginger ale or...
Bulldog appears from the kitchen and breaks his finger again in Ted's sight.
Ted: I think I really better go now.
Ted runs out. Roz closes the door and looks depressed and angry with
herself. She looks at her clothes and collapses on the couch. Bulldog
enters and acts surprised.
Bulldog: She's asleep Roz, don't worry I won't disturb you a...
[then] Where's Ted?
Roz: He ditched me.
Bulldog: What?
Roz: He kept saying his stomach was bothering him, he was looking
at his watch the whole time.
Bulldog: What is wrong with men?
Roz: It's not them, it's me. It's been happening all week.
Bulldog: No, no, no, trust me. It is not you. They're just jerks.
Roz: Thanks, Bulldog.
Bulldog: Hey, look, if you're hungry, I just whipped up a little
something. There's probably enough for two.
Roz: Great. I'm just gonna go change, okay?
Bulldog: Okay.
Roz exits to the bedrooms. Bulldog gets to work. With his feet he
opens a cupboard as he lays the table. He takes glasses already
filled with wine out of it and a big pot of cooked pasta which he
places on the table whilst shutting the cupboard with his foot.
Then there's a knock at the door before Ted enters with Roz's purse.
Bulldog: What the hell are you doing here?
Ted: I know, I'm sorry.
Bulldog: You are supposed to be gone. How many of my own fingers do
I have to dislocate before you take me seriously?
Ted: I got her home in forty-five minutes, okay? She left this in
the car.
We see Roz is watching this scene from the hallway. As Bulldog growls
at him and shuts the door on him, she hides back in the bedroom. She
then reappears and puts a plan into action.
Roz: [sits] Oh, this smells delicious. Thank you. Ow, I guess
I'm a little tense from that date.
Bulldog: Allow me.
Bulldog starts to massages her with his hand but feels the pain of
his finger so instead he uses his elbow.
Roz: I forgot how good you were at this! Come to think of it,
you were good at a lot of things.
Roz sits back and sexily unbuttons her blouse revealing her
underwear to him.
Bulldog: Wow! "Victoria's Secrets," page 39.
Roz: Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight to dessert?
Bulldog: Uh-ho! "Penthouse Forum," page 23.
Bulldog chases Roz to the bedroom.
Scene Two - Roz's Bedroom.
Roz runs in and lays on the bed. Bulldog strips in front of her.
Roz: [saucy] Are you the new pizza man? I hope you're not double
parked.
Bulldog: I promise you, ma'am. I will deliver in thirty minutes or
more.
Roz: There's a scented candle out on the balcony, would you get
that for me?
Bulldog: I'm kinda naked here.
Roz: Cedar wood, it promotes stamina and sexual creativity.
Bulldog: I'll be right back.
Bulldog runs out onto the balcony and finds no candle. Roz locks the
balcony door on him.
Bulldog: Roz, open the door. Oh, I get it. [knocks] Pizza man!
Roz: You slime bag! You've been scaring off my dates all week.
Bulldog: I don't know what you're talking about.
Roz: Cut the crap. I just saw you talking to Ted. This is the
lowest thing you've ever done! After the way I've trusted
you, this is the way I treat you.
Bulldog: Would you let me in, please?
Roz: No.
Bulldog: It's freezing out here, [looks down] as you can plainly see!
Roz: Good, I want you to suffer.
Bulldog gives in and sits on a table.
Roz: Don't sit there, I eat off that table, for God's sake!
Roz lets him in and throws his clothes at him.
Roz: Get dressed.
Bulldog: Come on, wait.
Roz runs out of the bedroom, Bulldog follows her.
Scene Three - Roz's Apartment.
They enter the main room.
Bulldog: Wait, would you let me explain?
Roz: I don't want to hear it, you make me sick! Just get it out.
Bulldog: I wasn't just trying to get you in bed. Just give me a
second, please. [deep breath] Last spring, when we were
together, it was great and I didn't know how to handle it, so
I ran away. But when I saw you again, it was... I figured if
I could keep the competition out of the way, then maybe you
and I... I don't know... we could be a couple.
Roz: Us?
Bulldog: [sincere] I think I'm in love with you.
Roz is silent and doesn't know what to say. She obviously cannot
reciprocate.
Bulldog: [crushed] You're not saying anything, are you?
Roz: Wait a minute! I know what you're doing!
Bulldog: What?
Roz: All this love stuff, it's just another way of getting me
into bed.
Bulldog: No, Roz, no.
Roz: God, the oldest trick in the book!
Bulldog: Wait a minute, Roz.
Roz: And you're still at it! You're still at it! You're not
Bulldog!
Bulldog: No, listen.
Roz then shows to him that she knows he truly loves her but that she
cannot love him back.
Roz: Give up, Bulldog.
Silence. Bulldog decides to play along and be let down easily.
Bulldog: [feigned] You can't blame a guy for trying! I had you going,
huh? All the dishes and the watering.
Roz: You're the master.
Bulldog: Yeah, I even put childproof latches on the cabinet. Part of
my plan to get you in the sack.
Roz: You are such a pig!
Then they calm down.Bulldog: Well, I better be going.
Roz: Okay. Thank you for all of your help with Alice. [opens
door] I'll see you, Bob.
Bulldog: I'll see you, Roz.
Bulldog then exits. Roz is obviously frustrated and confused. She
goes to sip some wine as someone knocks at the door.
Roz: [shouts] I'm sorry, Mrs. Wasnick, I know the balcony is not
for sex play!
Frasier: [off stage] It's Frasier. And by the way, charming!
Roz: It's open!
Frasier opens the door and crosses to Roz.
Frasier: I just saw you dash out of the restaurant with Ted, I thought,
"God, what's wrong?"
Roz: You are not gonna believe what just happened. Bulldog just
told me he loved me.
Frasier: What?
Roz: Yeah, he made Ted bring me home early, turns out he's been
scaring my dates off all week.
Frasier: Well, what did you say to him?
Roz: I tried to let him down easy, I felt sorry for the guy.
Frasier: [amazed] Bulldog, wow, he's full of surprises, isn't he?
Roz: Who'd have thought? You know what's really weird? I'm gonna
miss him. [points to dinner] Look at this. I never had to
worry about Alice, he kept this place so neat and it was
really nice to have someone to... [reflects] someone to come
home to.
Frasier: Well, maybe Bulldog, in his own clumsy way, gave you a taste
of a more traditional lifestyle.
Roz: Yes, I suppose so.
Frasier: Who knows, Roz? Maybe the time has come. You might be
willing to start looking for a...
Roz: [against the idea] What? A husband?
Frasier: No, I wasn't going to say that.
Roz: Just because I'm gonna miss certain things about Bulldog
doesn't mean I need to rush out and get married. Look at
this week I've had. Three guys interested in me and not to
mention Bulldog. I'm liking this! [reassuring herself,
arguably in denial] Single life is pretty good.
Frasier: All right, Roz, as long as you're okay.
Roz: I really appreciate you coming by.
They cross to the door.
Frasier: It's okay.
Roz: I'll see you tomorrow.
Frasier: Of course. Good night.
Roz: Good night.
Frasier exits and Roz closes the door. Roz takes a deep breath and
heads over to the dinner table. She takes Bulldog's glass of wine and
pours its content into hers, making a big glassful. She draws up a
seat and pulls over the pasta pot. She tucks in with a thoughtful
expression on her face.
End of Act Two.
Credits:
Roz's Apartment - Roz is trying to feed Alice peas, however she will
not take them. After many attempts, Roz uses Bulldog's trick of
pretending to "sneeze" them out. With this technique she successfully
gets Alice to eat them.