ACT ONE
Scene One – Frasier's Apartment
Frasier is looking through the telescope. Niles fidgets beside him.
Martin is reading the paper in his Armchair.Frasier: Oh my God... breathtaking.
Niles: Well, don't be greedy! Your turn was over forty seconds ago!
Frasier: All right, all right, Niles, all right. [steps away] It's the
penthouse unit, fourth from the left.
Niles: [looking] Oh, mama!
Martin: You two know that what you're doing isn't right, don't you?
Frasier: We're simply admiring a very rare Brancusi armchair, not a
naked woman.
Martin: That's what I'm talking about.
Daphne comes in the front door, dressed for an evening out.Martin: Oh, hi, Daph.
Daphne: Evening.
Martin: You're home kind of early, aren't you?
Daphne: A bit. Something... sort of happened.
Martin: Oh, yeah? What?
Daphne: Well, Joe and I were having dinner. Everything was nice as
could be, and I said, "Don't you like your potato?" And he
said, "No, I'm not hungry for potato just now." So I said,
"Well, if you don't like your potato you're welcome to try
my potato"—
Frasier: Daphne? Could we hasten to the post-potato portion of the
dialogue?
Daphne: Well, that's when he said it. He said we'd been "on-again,
off-again" for too long without making anything permanent,
so maybe it was best if we just broke up.
Martin: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. You're sure taking it well. Boy, if
you'd have told me Joe would end up dumping you tonight,
I'd have been—
Daphne: Oh, God. He dumped me!
She bursts into tears.Martin: Somebody comfort her!
Niles: Right!
He moves to hug Daphne, obviously anxious for the opportunity. But
Frasier gets there first. She cries against his shoulder.Daphne: Oh, this is so embarrassing.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, never mind about that. Expressing our emotions
is always beneficial, even if it does come at the expense of
our pride [she blows her nose on his lapel] and a very
expensive brand-new Italian silk jacket.
She keeps bawling.Frasier: You know, I don't seem to be doing much good here. Why don't
one of you give it a try?
Niles: Very well.
Niles moves to hug her again, but this time Martin gets there first.
Martin: Now, Daphne, it's all right. You're better off without him.
That guy was a bum.
Daphne: He was the best thing in my life!
Martin: Oh. Well, maybe you two weren't meant for each other, you
know? I mean, you're a champagne-and-caviar sort of gal,
he's a meat-and-potatoes guy.
Daphne: [crying at the memory] Potatoes!
Martin: I'm messing up, too.
Niles: I've got it, Dad.
He moves a third time, but the doorbell rings.Daphne: I'll get it!
She moves away, leaving Niles very frustrated. She opens the door to
Roz.
Roz: Hey, Daphne!
Daphne: [a cry of pain] Roz...
Roz: Oh my God, you got dumped! [hugs her; over her shoulder,
to Frasier] Did you make her answer the door?
Frasier: It's what she does!
Roz: [to Daphne] Oh, it's all right, come on.
Daphne: I'm sorry about this. I guess I'm still at the point where
I can't hear his name without crying.
Niles: You hear that, everyone? No one mention the name "Joe!"
Daphne starts crying again. Niles eagerly moves in, but Frasier
holds him back and bats his arm. Roz takes Daphne to her room.Frasier: Brandy, Niles?
Niles: Uh, yes. Thank you. Frasier? I've just made an important
decision. I'm going to tell Daphne how I feel about her.
Frasier: What?
Niles: I'm going to tell her tonight.
Frasier: You're serious about this?
Niles: I'm dead serious. Maris and I are nowhere near reconciling.
I know this is the right decision, because I'm completely
calm about it. Look.
He holds out his hand to show that it's steady. However, the
other hand, which is resting on Frasier's African sculpture,
shakes violently, rattling the statue.Niles: Perhaps I'll take that brandy.
Frasier: Niles, before you do anything this rash, you should consider
it first from all angles.
Niles: I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles.
Frasier: I'm just not sure this is the right moment for this.
Niles: No, no, if you're trying to rattle me it's not going to
work. I've been rehearsing this for months. "Daphne,
there's something I need to talk to you about. It's a
matter of... Daphne, for a long time now, uh... you and
I, we" — exactly how's the brandy getting here, by St.
Bernard?!
Frasier: Niles, I just think that you should consider Daphne's state
of mind. She's still reeling from her breakup with Joe.
Listen, why don't you give it one more day?
Niles: A day?
Frasier: A day. Just one day, please! You've waited this long,
another day won't make a difference.
Niles: All right.
Roz brings Daphne out.Roz: Now, Daphne, if the jewelry wasn't that good and the sex
wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?
Daphne starts crying again.Frasier: Dr. Roz wades in with the "Gabor approach" to therapy!
Roz: I am taking Daphne out and getting her mind off her troubles.
Here's your tape. [puts it on the table]
Frasier: Oh, thank you, Roz.
Daphne: I want to thank you both for being so supportive.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, nonsense. You know, after three years, you're
really a member of the family.
The phone rings.
Daphne: [still crying] I'll get it.
She crosses the room to get it. Roz advances on Frasier, glaring.
Frasier: It's what she does!
FADE OUT
Scene Two – Frasier's Apartment
The next morning. Martin is reading the paper at the table,
Frasier is looking through his CD's.Martin: What are the Sonics thinking last night? If you're two for
fifteen from behind the arc, why do you still give it to your
two-guard instead of jamming it down to your big man in the
paint?
Pause.Frasier: Eddie, I believe that question was directed at you.
Martin: You know, if you took an interest in sports, I bet you'd end
up enjoying it. It's got drama, it's got graceful stuff...
Frasier: Thank you, Dad, but frankly I'm quite satisfied with the
likes of Pavorotti's Pagliacci. You have your big man in
the paint, I have mine.
The doorbell rings. Frasier opens the door to Niles, who is holding
a large bouquet of flowers against his chest.Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: Either your boutonniere is way over the top, or you're here
to execute last night's plan.
Niles: Look, I know I don't have your total support in this, but...
how shall I put this?
Frasier: You don't care?
Niles: If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" into there, you'd
have it. The fact is, I'm tired of being lonely, and it
makes no sense going on being lonely when the woman I long
for is unattached.
Frasier: Yes, well, as I said to you at the time you tried to jump out
of the tree house with an umbrella, "I suppose you know what
you're doing."
Martin emerges from the kitchen with a bowl of potato chips.Martin: Hey, Niles.
Niles: Hey, Dad.
The phone rings.Frasier: [answering] Hello? Oh, just a second, please. Dad, is
Daphne in her room?
Martin: Gee, I don't know. [screaming] DAPHNE! HEY, DAPH! DAPHNE!
Frasier: For God's sake, I can yell! [into phone] Would you hold,
please?
Frasier goes to the hallway.Martin: I've been waiting thirty years to do that.
Niles: You're probably wondering what I'm doing with these flowers.
Martin: Well, now that you mention it—
Niles: Well, I'll tell you. They're for Daphne. I'm going to tell
her how I feel about her.
Martin: Oh, that's great, Niles.
Niles: "That's great?"
Martin: Well, yeah. You're single now. She's single. What's the
problem?
Niles: [laughing] That's so funny.
Martin: What is?
Niles: That's just not the reaction I expected. I thought you'd say
something more Dad-like, like...
Martin: You're out of your mind?
Niles: [laughing] Yes.
Martin: She's never gonna go for it in a million years?
Niles: [still laughing] Stop it!
Martin: Someday you're gonna look back on this as the stupidest, most
idiotic—
Niles: [not laughing] I said stop it, Dad.
Daphne and Frasier come out. Niles gets up and coyly hides the
flowers behind his back.Daphne: Morning, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, don't you look nice. [picks up phone] Hello? Yes, Rodney,
I'm so glad you called! Yes, I enjoyed meeting you too. Oh,
well, yes, that would be lovely. I'll see you around four,
then. Bye. [hangs up]
Frasier: Rodney?
Daphne: Yes, you won't believe this. Last night, Roz insisted on
taking me to this bar she calls "The Sure Thing."
Frasier: How flattering. They've named a bar after her.
Daphne: She says that whenever she takes a friend there, they always
end up meeting someone. Well, I wasn't there ten minutes
when she spun my barstool around and I was face-to-face with
this nice-looking man.
Martin: Rodney?
Daphne: Right! I suppose it's a bit soon for me to be seeing anyone
else. But, if I wait, he might not be available when I'm
ready.
Niles: Timing is everything.
Daphne: I can't wait to tell Roz!
She runs off to the hallway.Niles: "Give it a day, Niles." I believe that was your brilliant
advice?
Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles, I really am. I don't know what to say.
Niles: [dropping the flowers on the table] Too bad you didn't have
that problem last night.
Martin: Don't let it get you down.
Niles: I'm not going to. I still have a fallback position. [grabs
Frasier's rolodex and starts flipping through it] I'm going
to call Roz and have her take me to that bar tonight!
Frasier: Niles, really — a singles bar? Please, you're not thinking
clearly. That's not exactly your arena, is it? Listen, why
don't you just give it a day and think it over... [off Niles's
glare] Here, let me dial that for you.
FADE TO:
WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS HER NAME
Scene Three – Granville's
An upscale singles bar — piano, bar with stools, tables. It's sparsely
populated. Roz is sitting at the bar. Niles comes up behind her,
slightly frazzled.Niles: Well, I'm here. I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing mismatched
socks, and I'm so nervous I could wet myself.
Roz: Well, at least we have your opening line down.
Niles: You're going to have to be patient with me, Roz. This isn't
exactly my milieu.
Roz: O.K., let's make that lesson number one. If you're going to
use words like "milieu," you might as well show up here with a
sore on your lip and a couple of kids.
Niles: Point well taken.
Roz: Will you sit down and relax? [he sits next to her] You're
gonna be fine. There's just a few little rules you need to
know. First, when you introduce yourself, be as casual as
possible. Second, you cannot say enough nice things about her
hair. I know that sounds shallow, but it really works. And
third, hang on her every word — be fascinated. Now go.
Niles: What do you mean, "go"?
Roz: It's time.
Niles: I'm not ready.
Roz: Oh, I've thrown a lot of little babies in the water and
they've all come up swimming. Now go.
Niles: No, no, I couldn't possibly, not yet, I need to—
She spins his barstool around, bringing him face-to-face with an
attractive blond woman (Adelle).Niles: Hello.
Adelle: Hello.
Niles: Hope I'm not bothering you.
Adelle: No, not at all. I'm Adelle.
Niles: Niles. [shakes her hand] So, "Adelle"... is that with one
"l" or two?
Adelle: Two.
Niles: [fascinated] Really?He props an elbow up on the bar and rests his head on his hand.
Roz smiles, thinking, "I've thrown him off the roof and he's
flying!"
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
STAREMASTER
Scene Four – Frasier's Apartment
It's evening. Frasier and Eddie are seated opposite each other at
the dinner table, having a stare-down contest. Martin comes out.Martin: You're wasting your time.
Frasier: No, I'm not.
Martin: You're not gonna win.
Frasier: It's time he learned what it's like to be stared at all
the time. Bring it on, Buster, you got nothing. You can't
touch me, I'm — Gaah! [breaks away, clutching his eyes]
It's like his eyes turned into sorcerer's pinwheels and
started spinning!
The doorbell rings.Martin: Just shake hands and say "good fight."
Frasier considers doing it for a second, then decides not.
Martin opens the door to Niles and Adelle, dressed for an
evening out.Martin: Oh, hi, Niles! Come on in.
Niles: Dad, this is Adelle Childs — my father Martin.
Martin: Nice to meet you. [shakes her hand]
Niles: And this is my brother, Frasier.
Frasier: It's so nice to finally meet you.
Adelle: Nice to meet you.
Niles: Are you all right? Your eyes look funny.
Frasier: Oh, I'm fine, it's just — oh, here are your tickets. [gives
them to Niles]
Niles: Thank you.
Frasier: Say, have you got time for a coffee before you go?
Adelle: That'd be nice.
Frasier: Splendid! Gives me a chance to debut my Limoges coffee set —
a series of six unique cups, each one representing a different
wife of Henry VIII. My antique dealer just found an "Anne of
Cleves" to complete the set!
Frasier goes to the kitchen.Martin: He loves to rub it in. I'm still looking for a "Wilma" to
complete my juice glass set.
Niles: I'll lend you a hand. [to Adelle] Excuse me.
In the kitchen, Niles comes in to have a man-to-man with Frasier.Niles: So, what do you think?
Frasier: She seems very nice.
Niles: She's fabulous. I know it's only been three dates, but I
feel as though I've been rescued. I no longer have to worry
about becoming one of those pitiful losers embittered by a
failed marriage, leading a lonely pathetic life of...
[off Frasier's withering look] fulfillment and good times!
Frasier: Shouldn't you make a beeping noise when you back up like that?
They come out into the living room.Frasier: Well, coffee will be ready in a moment.
Adelle: So what were you two whispering about?
The doorbell rings.Niles: Oh, nothing — just how, whenever you think you have your life
figured out, something unexpected happens.
He opens the door to Daphne.Daphne: Sorry, forgot my keys. Hello, all. Oh, everyone, this is
Rodney Banks.
In steps a man who is Niles's Doppleganger — same height, same figure,
same haircut, same neat suit, same rigid posture — the sole difference
is that his hair is brown.Daphne: Dr. Niles Crane.
Niles: How do you do?
Rodney: The pleasure is mine.
They shake hands. In a perfect mirror of each other, they then take
out handkerchiefs and wipe their palms. Frasier and Martin stare.
Daphne, standing in the middle, doesn't seem to notice.Rodney: Flu season.
Niles: Can't be too careful.
Daphne: Oh, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, and his father Martin. And...
Niles: This is Adelle Childs.
Daphne: Hello.
Adelle: Hello.
Daphne: Well, we've just had the most wonderful day at the marina.
Martin: Oh, you get a boat?
Rodney: Actually, no. I have an inner-ear curvature that makes
me prone to motion sickness. [Martin looks at Frasier,
incredulous] But there's a charming bistro there that
serves the most exquisite—
A phone rings. Mirroring each other again, Niles and Rodney take out
cell phones and flip them open.Niles: Not me.
Rodney: Not me.
It's the cordless phone. Martin picks it up.Martin: Hello? Oh, I can't talk right now, Duke. I'm in the
Twilight Zone. [hangs up]
Frasier: Would, uh, you like a coffee?
Daphne: Oh yes, that would be lovely.
Martin: I'll give you a hand, Frasier!
Martin gets up and follows Frasier into the kitchen.
As soon as they make it in:Frasier/Martin: What the hell was that?!
Frasier: I think maybe we should put a little red mark on the real
Niles so we can tell them apart!
Martin: Niles must be going nuts!
Niles comes in.Niles: Can I lend you a hand?
Martin: Oh no, that's fine, Niles. [Niles turns to go] Oh, wait, wait
a minute! So, uh... what do you think of Rodney?
Niles: Well, so far I'm not impressed. Bit of a pretentious fop,
wouldn't you say?
Martin: He doesn't, uh, remind you of anyone?
Niles: Remind me of anyone...
Rodney comes in.Rodney: So sorry, but about my coffee? I neglected to mention that
I like my milk steamed, with just a dollop of foam, such as
might give the impression of a cumulus cloud reflected in a
still pond.
Niles: Consider it done.
Rodney smiles and leaves.Niles: I want to kill myself!
Frasier and Martin laugh.Martin: Come on, Niles, it's funny!
Niles: No! It's not remotely funny! Frasier talked me out of
approaching Daphne on the same night she fell for that man!
Frasier: You can't possibly be mad at me!
Niles: No, no, Frasier, I'm grateful. [grabs a kitchen knife]
Come here, let me show you how grateful I am!
Martin: [getting in his way] Niles, calm down!
Daphne comes in to get the sugar bowl and cream pitcher.Daphne: Isn't Rodney just great? [everyone agrees] You know, I think
it was the moment I broke up with Joe that I heard a voice
saying, "Daphne, it's time you went for a completely new type
of man."
Daphne leaves. Niles grabs a spatula.Niles: You're a dead man!
Martin gets in his way again.Frasier: Let's serve our guests their coffee!
Frasier and Martin carry cups of coffee out to the living room.Frasier: Here we are, coffee. Milk's on its way, Niles is still
steaming.
Rodney: Nothing smells quite so heavenly as a freshly brewed cup of
coffee. Well, perhaps one thing does.
He smells Daphne's hair.Daphne: Oh, stop that! [laughing] He just loves to smell my hair!
There's a crash from the kitchen. Frasier winces. Martin thinks,
"Uh-Oh."Frasier: [stricken] Anne Boleyn?
Niles: [o.s.] Catherine of Aragon.
FADE TO:
Scene Five – Café Nervosa
Niles is sitting at a table with his back to the door. Frasier comes
in. Niles notices him, then looks away.Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles. You don't take my calls, you
ignore me. For God's sake, it's the behavior of a pouting
adolescent. [sits down] Are you quite finished now? [realizes]
You put gum on my chair, didn't you?
Niles: Yep.
Frasier: [removing the gum] Niles, listen: I am terribly sorry if I
steered you wrong. But just think about it. You do have a
wonderful new woman in your life now, don't you?
Niles: Yes, I—I suppose I do.
Frasier: And Adelle does make you very happy, doesn't she?
Niles: [perking up] Yes. [chuckles] Yes, she does.
Frasier: Well, then, if you've ever taken any of my advice before,
take this: Adelle may very well be the path to your happiness.
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than Adelle comes into
the café, on the arm of Rodney. They sit in a corner booth together.
Niles doesn't see them.Frasier: But let's say I'm wrong...
Niles: But-but you're not wrong. Adelle is a wonderful, affectionate
woman.
Frasier chuckles nervously.Niles: She's clearly drawn to a man of my type.
Frasier: Mmm.
Niles: Just thinking about her lifts my spirits. Frasier... thank
you.
Frasier: Niles, uh... [sighs] look.
Niles turns and looks. He turns back to Frasier with outrage.Niles: I don't believe it! The betrayal! No one treats Daphne like
that!
He rises angrily to his feet. Frasier restrains him.Frasier: Niles! Whatever you do, do not engage him in a physical
fight. The whole thing would just look too weird!
Niles steps forward.Niles: Hello, Adelle.
They look up.Adelle: [startled] Oh no.
Rodney: I know this may look a tad incriminating, but the truth is—
Niles: Oh, spare me, you ludicrous popinjay. I know exactly what's
going on here, I saw the whole thing from my table.
Adelle: I was going to call you! You see, Rodney and I... I'm sorry.
Niles: So am I, Adelle. But I'm mainly sorry for Daphne. How do
you intend to handle that small matter?
Rodney: I was planning on telling her this evening at Granville's.
We're meeting for drinks.
Niles: Granville's... why don't you do her a favor? Let me tell her.
It might be better coming from a friend.
Rodney: Yes, perhaps you're right. Please tell her that I'm sorry.
Sometimes, when a man meets the woman that he's meant to be
with, [clasps Adelle's hand affectionately] there's nothing
he can do to resist it. I hope Daphne understands that.
Niles: I hope she understands it too.
Niles leaves the Café. Frasier steps forward.Frasier: Rodney... [growling] Adelle.
He gets his coat to leave, but turns back.
Frasier: You know, there's just one thing I'd like to ask you, Rodney:
do you have an older brother?
Rodney: As a matter of fact, I do. He's always been the pride of
the family — handsome, successful, brilliant. I've always
been rather jealous of him.
Frasier: Spooky.
He leaves. Rodney and Adelle look somewhat puzzled.
FADE TO:
Scene Six – Granville's
That evening. Daphne is sitting at the bar with a glass of red wine.
Niles comes in.Niles: Evening, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: You don't seem surprised to see me.
Daphne: I was running late, so I called Rodney on his cell phone.
He told me everything.
Niles: Oh. I'm sorry.
Daphne: I'm sorry for you, too. [raising her glass] Join me in a
little sorrow-drowning?
Niles: I believe I will. [to bartender] One more of these, please.
[the bartender pours him a glass of wine] Thank you. [to
Daphne] Well, I can't really blame Adelle. Rodney's that
sort of man that women seem to go for.
Daphne: [sadly] Yes, he is.
Niles: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
Daphne: You didn't. I guess I'm just in more of a mood to hear about
his negative qualities right now.
Niles: Well, he's a bit of a know-it-all, a bit fussy...
Daphne: Has to have everything just so, he's nuts about cleanliness,
then there's his clothes, his precious shoes—
Niles: I don't like this road we're on. I mean, wouldn't it be
better if we discussed what's in our futures?
Daphne: I suppose so. I'll tell you one thing. After the run I've
had, I pity the next man I date. I'd probably rip him to
shreds.
Niles: What about the man after that?
Daphne: Men can be such an unfeeling lot. Look at Rodney — the moment
he heard I'd just broken up with someone, he moved right in
for the kill. Is that how all men are?
Niles: No, not all men.
Daphne: Of course they aren't. You're not. You're kind,
sensitive — you ask me, you were too good for that Adelle.
Niles: Thank you, Daphne. You know, the truth is my heart was never
really in that relationship.
Daphne: I thought it might not be.
Niles: There was someone else who was too much on my mind.
Daphne: I had a feeling, Dr. Crane.
Niles: You did?
Daphne: Yes. As long as you still have feelings for your wife, you
know you can't be involved with anyone else. It makes sense
to me — I know I'd never get involved with a man who was
separated.
Niles: Even if he'd worshipped you from the day he laid eyes on you?
Daphne: And don't think that's not just how they put it, too!
[laughs] No, I think I need to do a bit of separating
myself — from Joe, I mean. Yes, I'll wait a good long time
before I do anymore dating.
Niles: Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Daphne: [chuckling] You know, it's funny when you think about it —
the two of us coming to this same singles bar this week?
Why, this was the very stool I was on when I met Rodney.
Niles: I was sitting here when I met Adelle. [she chuckles again]
What?
Daphne: Oh, I was just thinking. If it'd been a different time in
both our lives, we might actually have met. How do you
suppose that would have gone?
Niles: What, our conversation?
Daphne: Yeah, come on! Just for fun — we could both use a smile.
Niles: Well, uh... first I would have said, "Is this seat taken?"
And you would have said, "no." You would have said, "my name
is Daphne," and I would have said "my name is Niles." And
then I would have said... "What are you doing for the rest of
your life?"
Daphne: [laughing] You always know just what to say. [then, as a
friend would say it] Oh, I love you, Dr. Crane.
Niles: I love you too, Daphne.
END OF ACT TWO
Credits:
Frasier's Apartment
Frasier is having another stare-down with Eddie. It's going nowhere.
Martin tells Frasier to get up. Frasier gets up. Martin sits opposite
Eddie and gives him a good, hard stare. Eddie breaks and runs away.
Martin smiles at Frasier.
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