THE WEST WING
"COLLEGE KIDS"
TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN
STORY BY: DEBORA CAHN AND MARK GOFFMAN
DIRECTED BY: ALEX GRAVES
TEASER
FADE IN: INT. THE SITUATION ROOM - DAY
BARTLET
Nancy's in her office. There are some calls I asked her to make.
LEO
I've told the President about the parachute.
FITZWALLACE
Tommy, do they even make parachutes in Israel? They're saying it's an Israeli-made parachute.
TOMMY
They make 'em. They're good ones.
BARTLET
Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say
I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are -- a pretty
well-financed one -- but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done
with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls, and I don't know, maybe knock over
a fruit stand or something.
LEO
Okay.
BARTLET
We're going to need to learn to sing and dance.
LEO
The information is basically coming from the NSC operations unit.
MAN
A cell phone intercept between the Sultan and Habib. "The Butcher of Kafr will have no choice
but to resign."
TOMMY
And we're sure he's talking about Israel?
MAN
"The Butcher of Kafr will have no choice but to resign."
LEO
Well, the B-movie dialogue aside...
BARTLET
Toby and Josh are back. Toby Ziegler and Josh Lyman missed the motorcade in Indiana yesterday.
It's taken them 20 hours to get home. They're walking into DC right now.
LEO
Doesn't matter. Let's assume the Sultan goes to Al Jazeera and announces that Shareef's plane
didn't go down accidentally-- that it was brought down by the Israelis. What are the options
we've come up with so far?
MAN
Do nothing.
TOMMY
Which we can't do.
MAN
Call Qumar’s bluff. Demand they produce proof.
FITZWALLACE
We can't call there bluff.
MAN
Why?
FITZWALLACE
'Cause they're calling our bluff. When they produce manufactured proof, we'd have to say, "You
manufactured that." And they'd say, "How do you know?" So, the next option is we defend Israel.
BARTLET
You're not curious why they're walking into DC?
LEO
No.
TOMMY
What happens if Hezbollah launches a missile at Israel?
FITZWALLACE
Israel attacks...
BARTLET
Walking into DC from where I guess you got to ask.
LEO
You want to hunker down?
BARTLET
Okay, just for that, when it comes time to give out gang nicknames, you're going to be... I don't
know, but you're not going to have a good nickname.
LEO
Okay.
BARTLET
Ellie had a teacher named Mr. Pordy, who had no interest in nuance. He asked the class why there's
always been conflict in the Middle East and Ellie raised her hand and said, "It's a centuries old
religious conflict involving land and suspicions and culture and..." "Wrong." Mr. Pordy said, "It's
because it's incredible hot and there's no water." (to Leo) I'm hunkered down. I'm going to East
Lansing. We're going to need a lawyer.
SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *
ACT ONE
FADE IN: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY
6:45 A.M. OVER HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA
C.J.
There are some 120 news outlets covering the hour-to-hour movements of the President. Only the cream
of the crop ride here with me. The rest are consigned to the zoo plane where they do not have moist
towelettes. This is why I'm so disappointed that with the exceptions of Terry, Mike, Mark and Rachel,
you all misspelled Muhzriabolah.
REPORTER
I'm on television.
C.J.
It was misspelled in your copy. I could tell.
REPORTER
Speaking of copy-- is there an advance on the speech to the teachers?
C.J.
An advance copy of text? You must be new.
REPORTER
Can you tell us what he's going to say about the pipe bombing?
C.J.
He's obviously going to talk about it, but I don't know what he's going to say. There's a filing center
behind the press riser. You'll have 50 minutes to file while the President meets wit the Executive Board.
REPORTER
Open to the pool?
C.J.
Pool photos, that's it.
KATIE
Has he spoken to the University President?
C.J.
He's spoken to Chancellor Bayless twice now, and the President's accepted an invitation to speak at the
memorial service on the KSU campus this Saturday.
MARK
Anything new from the FBI?
C.J.
Well, I'm still referring those questions to Zane Littleton at the FBI. But I do want to underline their
initial finding that it doesn't appear to have been an act of foreign terrorism.
STEVE
And that's based on...?
C.J.
The nature of the explosive. Okay, then. The flight to Battle Creek Air National Guard Base is an hour
and 45 minutes. It will be a 45 minute ride to Michigan State where the President will address the
delegates from the NEA for approximately 25 minutes.
STEVE
I noticed Josh and Toby aren't on the plane. Are they still at a gas station in Unionville?
C.J.
No, they made it home and their mother are very relieved. They've been given a 4 hour vacation.
Anything else? M-U-H-Z-I-R-I-A-B-O-L-A-H.
C.J. walks out and heads down the plane when Bruno runs into her.
BRUNO
He might get asked about Title IX.
C.J.
Why?
BRUNO
Ritchie mentioned yesterday it was worth reexamining so they'll ask him for a reaction. You may
want to talk to Josh for first-thoughts.
C.J.
What are yours?
BRUNO
On Title IX?
C.J.
Yeah.
BRUNO
I have none. I'm indifferent.
C.J.
You can't be indifferent.
BRUNO
I have to be. I have only so much RAM in my head. I have to prioritize. I have to throw some things
overboard, so, I've chosen, for instance, not to care whether or not Purdue has a fencing team.
Bruno walks up to Sam who is standing together with Debbie.
BRUNO
Sam.
SAM
Bruno. This is Debbie Fiderer, the Presidents new Exec. This is Bruno Gianelli General Chairman,
Committee to Re-Elect.
DEBBIE
Hello.
BRUNO
Hi. [to Sam, as Debbie gives him a look] The DC District Court is ruling today on a debate case.
Do you know anything about it?
SAM
Yeah, I think it's Sullivan v. Commission on Presidential Debates ABC, CBS, NBC News et al.
BRUNO
This is the third party rule? 15%?
SAM
Happens every four years.
BRUNO
All right.
SAM
There are like 500 citizens lawsuits trying to get there guy in the debate. It never goes anywhere.
BRUNO
All right. [to Debbie] Fiderer's a funny name. It's not ha-ha funny, it's just, you know...
Okay. [walks away]
SAM
Sullivan v. Commission on Presidential Debates. Stay on it.
BRUNO
Yeah.
SAM
It's a guy suing, so Stackhouse can be in the debate.
DEBBIE
I thought Stackhouse was suppose to end up endorsing the President?
SAM
He is. He will.
DEBBIE
Why would he be in the debate?
SAM
Presumably he's endorsing the President becasue he knew he wouldn't be.
DEBBIE
How bad would it be?
SAM
It'd be bad. Which is why, even if, for some reason he was allowed in the debate, he wouldn't do it.
Stackhouse isn't trying to hurt the President. But let's get back to you. Josh Lyman's going to give
you a security briefing and an ethics briefing. Charlie's going to tell you some things. You have
provisional clearance right now pending the succesful completion of the SF-86 and GC-1 background check.
DEBBIE
What is it?
SAM
It's a questionaire. Extensive questions on your past, personal, professional, financial... pharmaceutical...
DEBBIE
No, I know the form. What is a GC-1?
SAM
They contact family members and friends and neighbors and former neighbors to corroborate.
DEBBIE
Well, this is fine but I've worked at the White House before. At my last job, the background check wasn't
nearly as extensive...
SAM
You have a button on your phone, a crash button.
DEBBIE
Hmm?
SAM
You have a crash button which will bring the Secret Service in instantly and turn your office into a live
microphone which will be broadcast all over the building. It's the button you push if someone's trying to
take the Oval Office. This isn't your last job.
C.J. comes out from the next room.
C.J.
Sam, we need you in here.
SAM
Excuse me. [joins them]
C.J.
Bruno thinks we dump the whole thing.
BRUNO
I think 44 people are dead and we can't give a speech on eduction.
SAM
I'm concerned that it's going to look opportunistic if we talk about Iowa at a campaign event. Plus,
we're using the teachers like props.
C.J.
He's got to mention it, though.
SAM
Yeah, he can't not mention it.
BRUNO
There are dead children and then you segue to what?
SAM
I don't know.
BRUNO
I don't know either.
SAM
What are your feelings, sir?
BARTLET
I don't know. It's a seven-ten split. Can you work on it a while?
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
I'm going to call Leo. I'll be in my office.
CUT TO: INT. NORTHWEST LOBBY - DAY
LEO
Let her on in Becky.
JORDAN
Good morning.
LEO
Hello. You look sensational in your Gabriella Something thing there.
JORDAN
Thank you.
LEO
"Cloak and dagger."
JORDAN
Look...
LEO
"Cloak and dagger."
JORDAN
It was one sentence in a two-page note.
LEO
And you sent me a note.
JORDAN
I was asked here on business which I usually conduct at my office.
LEO
I was going to come there but then I thought, between the lobby, the elevator, the reception area,
the paralegal's area, the associate's area and the coffee room of a Washingtion DC law firm, there
was an outside chance that somebody might recognize the White house Chief of Staff.
JORDAN
All I meant by cloak and dagger is that I'm not cut out for the security meetings and the secret
this and the back channel ambassadors. It's like your in the Mafia.
LEO
Well, it may be like I'm in the Mafia, but I'm not. I work for the good guys.
JORDAN
It was one sentence. The problem was, you were never at the other end of the phone.
LEO
That's an entirely different kettle of beans and we can have that discussion but history's shown
that if you just wait and tell it to a divorce lawyer, you can have half my stuff.
JORDAN
I don't want half your stuff.
LEO
You don't know-- some of it's good stuff.
JORDAN
Where are we going?
LEO
Someplace quiet so we can talk.
JORDAN
The White House Situation Room.
LEO
We just call it that.
JORDAN
Am I even allowed to be in here? Look at this stuff.
LEO
It's a map of North America. What are you worried about? Hey, where are you from?
JORDAN
I'm from Lincoln, Nebraska.
LEO
Hey, Lieutenant, can you throw an Opal Drill up on the wall? Lincoln, Nebraska.
JORDAN
What's it doing?
LEO
It's showing a first strike nuclear attack from Beijing and North Korea. Hey, look at that. Lincoln
survives the first of... No, not so much.
JORDAN
Leo...
LEO
What? First of all, we have to go beyond the normal attorney/client privilege. This is sensitive.
JORDAN
There are no degrees of attorney/client privilege. I don't care if it's sensitive.
LEO
No, I'm talking State secrets with hightest security classification. If you told anyone, you'd be
convicted of treason and sent to prison, probably for life.
JORDAN
No, I wouldn't.
LEO
No you wouldn't. It's nothing like treason. But if you told anyone, it'd be bad.
JORDAN
What?
LEO
Do you remember last May, that a private plan carrying Qumari Defense Minister Abdul Shareef went
down near Bermuda and that all the passengers, including Shareef, were dead?
JORDAN
No.
LEO
No?
JORDAN
No.
LEO
Okay, well, it happened. Qumar has been investigating the accident because they believe there was foul
play. And we believe, in fact we know, they're trying to frame Israel. They're producing phony evidence.
JORDAN
How do you know?
LEO
I'm sorry.
JORDAN
You said "we know." How do you know?
LEO
Because we do.
JORDAN
Why isn't it possible for Israel...?
LEO
Jordon. We know any evidence of assassination is manufactured.
JORDAN
How?
LEO
'Cause we destroyed all the evidence.
WOMAN
Mr. McGarry, I have the President on your line.
LEO
Yes, sir.
CUT TO:
Bartlet is walking down with an escort to deliver a speech.
BARTLET
[on phone] How's it going?
LEO
Fine.
BARTLET
Is she there?
LEO
Yeah. What do yo know?
BARTLET
Casper's here, he's going to talk to me. I'll send him to you next, all right?
LEO
Thank you. What are you about to say?
BARTLET
I don't know. I still have about two minutes.
LEO
Okay.
BARTLET
"The bullying nature of the intrusive and invasive government of the United States has to be rendered
quickly and decisively a wake-up call. And this opportunity..." What do you think of this letter?
MIKE CASPER
He's not Tom Paine.
BARTLET
No.
CASPER
It's rhetoric common to seperatist. There telling us that english is his first language but that
he's not very well educated.
BARTLET
Is it credible?
CASPER
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
You guys think it was sent by the bomber?
CASPER
Or his group.
BARTLET
We think there's a group.
CASPER
We don't know. Now, you've been told, sir...
BARTLET
The end of the letter promises more.
CASPER
Yes, sir. In the next 48 hours. Obviously, we expected that. it's what they always say.
BARTLET
Unless what? That's where I'm confused.
CASPER
He didn't make any demands, sir. This letter isn't a threat. It's an announcement.
Sam and Bruno join them and walk down.
BARTLET
All right, what do you have?
BRUNO
"We will catch the perpetrators. We will track him down, we will punish..." Along those lines.
It's too early for Rocky, right?
BARTLET
Yes, plus once we catch a perpetrator, you don't need to track him down.
SAM
I told you, he likes the rhythm.
BRUNO
It's his line.
SAM
It's a dummy phrase. It's a placeholder.
BARTLET
I think I'm just going to talk for a little bit.
SAM
"Joy cometh in the morning," sir.
BARTLET
Thank you.
ANNOUNCER (vo)
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
Bartlet enters the BALLROOM and steps up to the podium.
BARTLET
Thank you very much. Thank you. "Joy cometh in the morning," scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't
know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison
State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure,
all I know for certain, is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world. There'll
always be, and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in
our culture and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline, and depth in
our classrooms. There aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. [applause] There isn't nearly enough,
not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We're
not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well. And we can do better, and we must
do better, and we will do better. And we will start this moment today! They weren't born wanting to do this.
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *
ACT TWO
FADE IN: INT. THE SITUATION ROOM - DAY
11:45 A.M.
LEO
I've been thinking a lot about an egg salad sandwich on a Keiser roll. If it's Milos making the potato
salad, then potato salad. If not, then a potato in any other form will be fine.
JORDAN
Why did you tell me that?
LEO
I didn't. I was talking to Margaret.
JORDAN
I know that.
MARGARET
[on speakerphone] She knows that, sir, she meant...
LEO
[hangs up quickly] He's got a secret ingredient that he puts in the potato salad that makes you crave
it beyond resonable for something like that. I'm like two, three forkfuls away from te final piece of
the puzzle and then this monkey's off my back.
JORDAN
Why, you know, in the world did you tell me what you just did?
LEO
I was order to this morning by the President.
JORDAN
He told you to talk to me?
LEO
He told me to make contact with a lawyer. Commander, Jordan Kendall, please.
Jordan's file appears on the screen.
LEO
First of all, that's a nice picture of you. Sometimes, these pictures aren't that nice. Look at that
smile. You could light up Chicago.
JORDAN
You just have this at the push of a button?
LEO
No. But you give these guys some notice, they can put on a show. Second page, please. Maxwell School
of Diplomacy and Internaional Relations. Associate Counsel U.S. Delegation to the United Nations.
General Counsel, US Delegation to the United Nations. General Counsel for the United Nations. Which
is when you found out you could buy stuff with money. Page three, please. Partner, Whitcomb, Wiley,
Hawking, Harrison and Kendall. Was there a Burt Kendall at the firm? Maybe his portraits hanging in
the partners' dining room.
JORDAN
No.
LEO
No, they're talking about you, right?
JORDAN
It wasn't my idea to add my name to the firm. They need to raise the profile of their international
law department.
LEO
A specialty in internatinal law, you say? Interesting. Have you any experience dealing in matters that
received wide media coverage? Let's take a trip to page four.
JORDAN
You have a good time doing this, right?
LEO
You don't even know.
JORDAN
Orlando Ruiz of the 101-mile-an-hour fastball and Cuban citizenship. Richard White of Lackland Chemical
and wrongful death.
JORDAN
I do not have any experience with what you are talking about.
LEO
Hmm?
JORDAN
I don't have any experience with what you're talking about.
LEO
Nobody does. And we're talking about we killed Shareef. We put 14 bullets in his chest on an airstrip
in Bermuda. It's helpful to start saying out aloud.
MARGARET
[on phone] I'm sorry, Leo.
LEO
Yeah?
MARGARET
I thought you might like to know that there's a message here from Harold Harrison saying that there's
about to be a decision from the District Court, and it's not what you think.
LEO
Come down here and show Ms. Kendall out. Excuse me.
CUT TO: INT. NORTHWEST LOBBY - DAY
Toby comes into the bullpen and into JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA.
TOBY
Donna. Josh. Josh.
JOSH
Yes. I have to talk to you.
TOBY
I have to talk to you.
JOSH
Me first.
TOBY
Why's that?
JOSH
'Cause it's important.
TOBY
Okay.
JOSH
Go ahead.
TOBY
No, you go.
JOSH
I'm perfcetly fine waiting. I have the patience of an adult.
TOBY
You have 20 seconds.
JOSH
It came to me in my sleep this morning 'cause whrn I got home the paper was already there. Page two
of the business section in today's Post there's an article about Redstar and the $35 million retention
bonus they gave to... I can't remember his name.
TOBY
Wadkins.
JOSH
So we all know that CEOs get bonuses that workers don't. But in the sixth graph, thay talk about
Congress ending the deductibility of salaries over a million and that the measure excluded items
that the IRS deemed to be incentive based. In other words, the bonuses are tax deductible. In other
words, Wadkins gets $35 million for crashing the company and the company gets a deduction. Toby,
college costs-- investment in the future workforce, in innovation, in the ideas economy, investment
in crime reduction-- Isn't that a better idea then writing off the bonuses? The guy last night in
the bar, Matt Kelley, the one who's taking his daughter to visit colleges. He said it needs to be
just a little easier. Not a lot easier, a little. Toby, every nickel spent on college tuition should
be 100% tax deductible. Not capped and indexed and bracketed. Every nickel. 100 percent. What?
TOBY
That's exactly what I was going to tell you.
JOSH
No, it wasn't.
TOBY
Exactly.
JOSH
You're saying that now just to make it seem... I'm going to make some time with Leo.
TOBY
And figure out a way to pay for it.
JOSH
Yeah.
TOBY
Good.
JOSH
Good.
DONNA
Hello.
JOSH
Hey.
DONNA
Did you sleep all right?
JOSH
I did, but then I read this thing... How you doing?
DONNA
Good.
JOSH
What's on for tonight?
DONNA
You'll have a meeting with the state party chair and you'll say energizing things to the staff.
JOSH
Are we in any danger at all of losing Massachusetts?
DONNA
No.
JOSH
Why am I doing this again?
DONNA
Because.
JOSH
I can't we just go straight to the event?
DONNA
No.
JOSH
Why?
DONNA
Because everybody's going to the campaign first and we just spent 20 hours trying to get out of Indiana.
JOSH
Who's at the event?
DONNA
Aimee Mann, the Barenaked Ladies, Chrissie Hynde, Sixpence None The Richer, Aaron Neville, Diamondback
Whale, Daisy Chain, Next Big Thing, The Cruel Shoes, and Single-Cell Paramecium.
JOSH
You've just been practicing for when I asked the question, right?
DONNA
Yes.
JOSH
And you made up Cruel Shoes?
DONNA
No, Single-Cell Paramecium.
JOSH
Okay.
The doors open and the rest of the senior staff walks in. Donna jumps and waves her hands in the air.
DONNA
The motorcade. We're here!!!
JOSH
Would you stop.
DONNA
We're here!!!
JOSH
You know, everybody's really over that now.
C.J.
Admiral Scott, your expedition's returned.
JOSH
All right.
C.J.
Let me take a look at you, Don Quixote de la Mancha.
JOSH
Don Quixote wasn't an explorer.
C.J.
No, but he rode around on a horse. You sleep?
JOSH
I did better then that.
C.J.
Well, keep it to yourself. I need you to weigh in on Ritchie and Title IX.
JOSH
Yeah, I saw that. I wrote a memo.
C.J.
Thank you.
JOSH
Toby and I are working on tuition, it would be...
TOBY
Josh.
JOSH
They're back.
TOBY
They are?
JOSH
Yeah.
TOBY
Are they being funny?
BRUNO
Barnum, Bailey and their sister Sue.
JOSH
They're almost over it. We want to talk to you about an issue that should be in play in the campaign
right away.
BRUNO
You know that the District Court is ruling on Sullivan today?
JOSH
v. Commision on the Presidential Debates?
BRUNO
Yep.
TOBY
They're never going to rule for him.
BRUNO
Sullivan?
TOBY
Yeah. They're never going to rule for him. This suit gets brought all the time.
BRUNO
Ordinarily, I wouldn't be concerned but it's Justice Wingding who heard the case.
JOSH
Wengland?
BRUNO
Yeah.
TOBY
He's not so crazy?
BRUNO
Yeah?
SAM
Hey!
JOSH
We're back. We'r never leaving again.
SAM
Your mother and I were very worried.
TOBY
Me, too.
BRUNO
Fellows.
JOSH
Would you tell him he doesn't have to worry about the District Court?
SAM
I told him already. They're not going to rule for Sullivan.
JOSH
He's worried 'cause it's Wengland.
SAM
He's not that crazy.
BRUNO
I'll tell you I'm not that comfortable with a Federal Judge being even a little bit crazy.
JOSH
I'm going back to my office.
BRUNO
The speech to the teachers this morning? 24 years in professional politics, I have never seen
anything like it. You would have been proud. We're going to win this election, you know?
JOSH
I do.
TOBY
Leo.
LEO
They ruled for Sullivan.
FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *
ACT THREE
FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY
2:00 P.M.
C.J.
They ruled for Sullivan?
BRUNO
Yeah. C.J., when you guys vet your Judical candidates, do you go so far as to meet and speak with them?
C.J.
Can I see a copy of the decision? "The Commission, tax-exempt entity, is legally precluded from partisan
politics of any kind. The 15% rule, benefiting the two major parties, is partisan politics of the worst
kind --regulatory duopoly, democracy by favoristic fiat, a bureaucratic junta..."
BRUNO
Yes.
C.J.
"...that is clearly prohibited under federal law."
TOBY
There's no way "favoristic's" a word.
SAM
We all agree with you, Toby, we just don't think it's grounds for an appeal.
JOSH
It's not like we're going to have to search high and low for that.
ED
This means what I think it means, right?
TOBY
Yeah.
SAM
Yep.
BRUNO
No one can be excluded from the debate.
JOSH
You can be excluded but the bar is set much...
BRUNO
The Libertarian Party, Natural Law, Right to Life, Right to Left.
C.J.
The Republicans, we're going to probably have to let in.
LEO
The appeals process is going to take too long. They're going to have to go to the Supreme Court.
Sam, they can stay the effect of the trial court in advance of appeal, right?
SAM
Yeah.
LEO
And you got to get Ritchie's people to join us in the motion.
JOSH
Oh, yeah.
LEO
All right.
JOSH
Sam?
SAM
Yeah.
TOBY
I had a thought before and Toby claims, at any rate, to have had that same thought.
TOBY
I showed you, like, DNA evidence of...
JOSH
When Congress put the million cap on deducting salary they left a loophole for incentive-based bonuses.
SAM
Yeah, are not all bonuses incentive based? Are there any bonuses you get just automatically? And isn't
that called salary? Which is also incentive-based. By the way, I don't think there are a lot of people
would go to work without one.
TOBY
Sam.
SAM
Come back to the pack?
TOBY
Yes.
JOSH
Why isn't college tuiton 100% tax deductible.
SAM
I don't know. Why do flammable and imflammable mean the same thing?
TOBY
We can cap it at $80,000?
SAM
You're really talking about this?
TOBY
Yes.
SAM
And you pay for it by closing the loophole for bonuses?
JOSH
Nobody's talked to the OMB, but I think it cost $50 billion. Closing the loophole is about
$35 billion. Am I close?
SAM
Yeah. And the $15 billion's gettable through...
JOSH
Yeah.
C.J.
"Yosh"?
JOSH
She's talking to me, right?
SAM
Yeah.
C.J.
I'm reading your memo.
JOSH
Memo?
C.J.
The machismo manifesto.
JOSH
Title IX?
C.J.
Oh, yeah.
JOSH
Bruno asked me to weigh in.
C.J.
I can't imagined why he called on you.
JOSH
I was asked as a campaign issue if we should re-examine Title IX. Which is, by the way, a wedge with
male voters in Ohio, Michigan and North Carolina.
C.J.
So are a lot of things.
JOSH
There's something fair but dumb about a 50-50 split when more men are interested in sports than women--
and don't cite the WNBA and soccer. More men are interested in sports than women. We don't need a study
to tell us that. But if we did, there's about 493 of them.
C.J.
Are you going to talk to someone in Stackhouse's camp?
JOSH
About the Sullivan decision?
C.J.
You should probably just make sure.
JOSH
The Court's going to stay the judgement, even if they don't, Stackhouse will pass on the debate.
He's not out to kill the President. He just wants to keep him honest.
C.J.
It might be nice if you make a courtesy call though, so we're not taking him for granted.
JOSH
I'll call Stackhouse.
C.J.
Since Title IX, women's participation in sports has increased 800%. That's not a typo-- it worked.
JOSH
Okay.
CUT TO: INT. MURAL ROOM - DAY
CHARLIE
Hello.
DEBBIE
Yes.
CHARLIE
Okay, how's your day so far?
DEBBIE
Very exciting.
CHARLIE
You had your security briefing?
DEBBIE
Yes.
CHARLIE
I like to go through some of your answers on the SF-86, if that's all right?
DEBBIE
Sure.
CHARLIE
Three years ago you were asked "Have you ever been an officer or a member or made a contribution
to an organization dedicated to the violent overthrow of the governemt?" You answered... "Yes".
DEBBIE
Yes.
CHARLIE
You answered yes.
DEBBIE
I see where you're going with this.
CHARLIE
Do you?
DEBBIE
I do.
CHARLIE
Because while we respect your right to overthrow the government, we don't respect your right to do
it violently nor from inside the Oval Office.
DEBBIE
I worked in the Personal Office when I answered that and I did it to demonstrate a problem with the
form. If the FBI want people to admit to extremist tendencies they've got to tailor a more subtle
question than that. Like, "Have you ever participated in organizations that seek radical solutions
to egregious social problems?" I've had some experience with this.
CHARLIE
So has the FBI.
DEBBIE
Is this going to screw me up?
CHARLIE
Not this probably as much as when you suggested killing the President.
DEBBIE
I did not.
CHARLIE
Yeah, you did.
DEBBIE
No, sir.
CHARLIE
"Let's stick some arsenic in President Bartlet's drinking water and see if he delegates the responsibility
to the World Bank then."
DEBBIE
Oaky, um, where it says "arsenic", that shoud read "Shwepps Bitter Lemon." I don't know how that...
CHARLIE
Debbie!
DEBBIE
Come on, 35 million people in Bangladesh drinking contaminated water and the White House issued a
statement saying they supported the World Bank's efforts to address the problem but made no move
to intervene independently. I wrote a letter.
CHARLIE
FBI read it as a threat.
DEBBIE
It wasn't. Don't be ridiculous.
CHARLIE
I'm not being ridiculous, Debbie! I was, however, four feet away from him when the guns started firing.
DEBBIE
I know. I-I apologive. Who can I talk to? I want this job Charlie. I didn't before and I do now.
Who can I talk to?
CHARLIE
Let me find out.
BARTLET
What else?
C.J.
It's making the rounds that Governor Ritchie called the Chancellor's office.
BARTLET
What's wrong with that?
C.J.
He's angling for an invitation to the memorial in Saturday. He wants to speak.
BARTLET
Oh, for the love of Mike.
C.J.
The Chancellor was with us in Iowa and the Ritchie people were quietly saying that allowing you to be
National Healer in Chief...
BARTLET
Look, win or lose on the 5th, I'm the President right now, right?
C.J.
Um, yeah, I'm almost sure.
BARTLET
Six -- look, six of the girls were exactly Zoey's age. Tell the Chancellor's office that if it'll make
his life easier, I'll sit in row 19 and you'll keep out the press. This has to be about the students
and the families, and Ritchie and I are simply going to have to summon the humanity to keep this from
being a political event.
C.J.
Yes, sir.
FITZWALLACE
Good afternoon, Mr. President. Claudia Jean.
C.J.
Sailor.
LEO
In the Oval Office, you're really going to...
C.J.
No.
LEO
Good.
C.J.
Thank you, Mr. President.
BARTLET
How did you do with Jordan?
LEO
She's a little wary, but I think she might be willing to go out with me again.
BARTLET
Yeah?
LEO
But you meant the other problem.
BARTLET
Yeah.
LEO
She's a little wary.
BARTLET
Yeah.
LEO
She's gone to her office and then she's gone home for the day and she's going to think.
BARTLET
All right. In the meantime, what do we do have by way of stalling tactics?
LEO
A misinformation campaign.
BARTLET
We ought to be good at that.
FITZWALLACE
Sir, State feels the Shareef was never comfortable with the Sultan's friendly relationship with the West.
BARTLET
State thinks he had a friendly relationship with the West.
FITZWALLACE
"The one-eyed man is king in a world of..." whatever. We leak that Shareef used his U.S. trip as an
opportunity to fly to Libya.
BARTLET
Shareef is now alive and well and living in Libya?
FITZWALLACE
And planning to overthrow his brother, and install a fundamentalist regime.
BARTLET
All right. Come back and tell me how we do it.
FITZWALLACE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Blind men. "The one-eyed man is king in a world of blind men."
FITZWALLACE
Thank you, Mr. President.
CHARLIE
Special Agent Casper?
BARTLET
Yes, please.
CASPER
Good aftrnoon, Mr. President.
BARTLET
What do you know?
CASPER
We're ready to say the manuscript was credible. We ran a search using some more of the unique rhetoric
or catchphrases and we found a match. A lot of it was lifted straight off the website of a separatist
group called the Liberationist Cause, which is a splinter of the Patriot Brotherhood.
BARTLET
The internet has been a phenomenal tool for hate groups.
CASPER
Yes, sir. You should know that we're working on some good leads.
LEO
Good.
BARTLET
Don't pipe bombs usually kill two or three people?
CASPER
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
How is it so many yesterday?
CASPER
The bombs were set off indoors, sir. There was a huge fire. Anyting else, sir?
BARTLET
No. Thanks.
CASPER
Thank you, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Ten of those under the bleachers at a basketball game?
LEO
They've got good leads.
BARTLET
Okay.
LEO
Thank you, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Charlie?
CHARLIE
Yes, sir?
BARTLET
In ascending order of age, would you get my daughters on the phone, please?
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Thank you.
FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *
ACT FOUR
FADE IN: INT. HOUSE OF BLUES - NIGHT
HOUSE OF BLUES CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS
BARENACKED LADIES
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt
It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides and said 'I'm sorry'
Five days since I laughed at you and said
'You just did just what I thought you were gonna do'
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame, but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry..."
JOSH
I just tried Stackhouse again.
TOBY
He hasn't returned?
Josh shakes his head no.
TOBY
Stackhouse is going to be fine.
JOSH
I've called twice.
TOBY
At $55,000 Matt Kelly's is in the 27.5% bracket. Let's assume he takes the standard deductions and
let's forget for a moment mortgage payments.
JOSH
What's his tax liabiity?
TOBY
$13,300.
JOSH
We're saying that books are tax deductibile, too, right?
TOBY
I personally think that beer should be tax deductible
JOSH
So, with one kid in college, Mat Kelly's tax liability just dropped from 13,000... to 3,800?
If we can get this done, it'll be a good days work.
TOBY
Let's take it to C.J. when she get's off.
C.J.
[on the stage] Barenaked Ladies helping out in the labor/delivery room of American democracy the
Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
The crowd cheers.
C.J.
25 years ago, half of all 18 to 24 year-olds voted. Today it's 25%. 18 to 24 year-olds represent 33%
of the population but only account for 7% of the voters. Think government isn't about you? How many
of you have student loans to pay? How many have credit-card debt? How many want clean air and clean
water and civil liberties? How many want jobs? How many want kids? How many want their kids to go to
good schools and walk on safe streets? Decisions are made by those who show up! You gotta rock the vote!
CUT TO: EXT. WHITE HOUSE COLONNADE - NIGHT
BARTLET
What's going on?
LEO
Casper's got something.
CASPER
Mr. President, three hours ago, Sheriff's deputies in Johnson County, Iowa, surrounded a house when they
were tipped off that several men in their twenties had been buying all the pseudoephedrine they could get
their hands on. Three of the stores they went to were owned by the same man.
BARTLET
Allergy medicine?
CASPER
Allergy medicine with tractor starter fluid strained through a coffee filter is methamphetamine.
BARTLET
Tractor starter fluid doesn't kill you?
CASPER
No, it'll definitely kill you, but first you'll get pretty high.
LEO
The Sherriff's deputies were shot at from the house.
BARTLET
You think these might be our guys?
LEO
The address and the name of the occupants match a couple of names that we've linked to the Patriot Brotherhood.
BARTLET
We have reason to believe they're connected KSU?
CASPER
They're telling us they are. They're also telling us they have Mac-10s, MP-5s, and Car 15s.
BARTLET
Are there kids inside?
CASPER
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
All right. Let's get the Director and the Attorney General. We only go in on my order, okay?
It'll be my order.
CASPER
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
You just knew it was going to end up like this.
They walk to THE OVAL OFFICE.
FITZWALLACE
Good evening, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Allergy medicine and tracker fluid we're getting high on now.
FITZWALLACE
All right. You guys getting strippers or something?
LEO
How do we do it?
FITZWALLACE
Basically, Langley manufactures documents, photographs, audio messages, even a body double, if neccesary.
BARTLET
Is this going to get ridiculuos?
FITZWALLACE
Absolutely. We make sure agents in Iraq, Syria and Iran get a whiff of the story and word inside
and outside of the palace spreads.
BARTLET
We'll see it Al Jazeera?
FITZWALLACE
If we do our jobs.
BARTLET
No disinformation to U.S. press, right? We don't give disinformation to the American press? Unless
it's about my health?
FITZWALLACE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
All right, let's go.
FITZWALLACE
Thank you Mr. President.
BARTLET
All this posturing is a preamble to something.
LEO
You ready to say hello?
BARTLET
Why not?
Bartlet and Leo walk into LEO'S OFFICE.
BARTLET
Hey Jordan.
JORDAN
Good evening, Mr. President.
BARTLET
What do you think?
JORDAN
I'm sorry, sir?
BARTLET
What do you think?
JORDAN
I don't know.
BARTLET
Yeah.
JORDAN
I have to tell you I'm very uncomfortable knowing what I know.
BARTLET
That makes three of us.
JORDAN
I haven't had any sort of time...
BARTLET
Take all the time you want. You done yet?
JORDAN
You understand domestically you're looking at possible injury to separation of powers; internationally, a
possible war crimes charge? At the very least, we'd be wading up to our necks into unprecedented legal waters,
exposing the Presidency to culpability undreamed of by the creators of the UN and the U.S. Constitution.
BARTLET
Well, that makes us ground-breaking, doesn't it?
JORDAN
Mr. President, I've defended guilty people before but I've never had a client that was willing to admit
the crime but didn't expect to go to trial.
BARTLET
More ground-breaking.
JORDAN
Due respect, Mr. President, this isn't funny.
BARTLET
Due respect, Ms. Kendall, I'm the last person to whom that needs to be pointed out. And Article 51 of
the United Nations charter says every nation has a right to wage war to defend itself.
JORDAN
The article's incumbant on wars being declared.
BARTLET
Wars don't work like that anymore.
JORDAN
Laws work like that.
BARTLET
44 people are dead in Iowa, and most them college kids. Shareef has murdered Americans in uniform.
He's murdered Americans out of uniform. He was trying to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge, and I didn't
have time to file an amicus brief.
JORDAN
How can justice that has to be served in secret be justice?
BARTLET
I don't know, I'm working on that.
JORDAN
Anyway, at the moment I'm having trouble forseeing the exact legal consequences on the international stage.
BARTLET
Why?
JORDAN
Because most in international law doesn't exist yet.
BARTLET
Well, that's what I was hoping you'd say. I want there to be justice. That's why I'm talking to lawyer.
Anyway, I just came in to say hello.
CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE- CONTINUOUS
BARTLET
Charlie?
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
I'm heading back to the residence.
CHARLIE
Do you have a moment for Debbie?
BARTLET
Oh, God. Yeah.
DEBBIE
Good evening, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Arsenic?
DEBBIE
You got to give me points for... Nothing. There's nothing you can give me points for. I don't get any points.
BARTLET
No.
DEBBIE
I sincerely apologize. It was a higher environmental canser risk then Chernobyl. We spend $20 million
a year on strategic milk reserve. We can't toss...
BARTLET
Why couldn't you have stopped with "I sincerely apologize?"
DEBBIE
I should have. I-I see that.
BARTLET
Your argument is totally fuhkakta by the way. The World Bank has a $17 billion budget contributed by
a hundred... Uh, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about it.
DEBBIE
Don't worry about it, huh?
BARTLET
Yeah.
DEBBIE
I don't know what that means.
BARTLET
You can keep the job.
DEBBIE
Great. Why?
BARTLET
Why, because you knock me out, that's why.
DEBBIE
How did I do that?
BARTLET
"Let's stick some arsenic into President Bartlet's drinking water and see if he delegates responsibility to
the World Bank then." President Bartlet. You reffered to me and to the office with respect. You're a class act.
DEBBIE
Thank you, Mr. President.
BARTLET
[on his way out] Whack job.
DEBBIE
Yes, sir.
Bartlet leaves, and Debbie does a little celebration dance in the Oval Office.
CUT TO: INT. HOUSE OF BLUES - NIGHT
AIMEE MANN
"Let us turn our thoughts today to Martin Luther King
And recognize that there are ties between us
All men and women living on the earth
Ties of hope and love
Sister and brotherhood"
DONNA
It's not the fault of women's sports. It's the fault of football.
JOSH
It's the fault of football?
DONNA
Yeah.
JOSH
Football pays for all the other sports.
DONNA
There are 53 players on an NFL team. The Univeristy of Colorado has 130, 85 of whom are on full scholarship.
I'm all for back-ups and substitutes but can't the guy who's forth on the depth chart at right outside
linebacker also be fourth on the depth chart at left outside linebacker? If a college football team cut
back to 70 scholarships, they'd still be three deep in every position and have a fourth string punter
and place-kicker. 15 scholarships. That's a wrestling team.
Josh sees Amy in the distance and gets up.
JOSH
Excuse me.
AIMEE MANN
"There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist
There is a hunger in the center of the chest
There is a passage through the darkness and the mist"
AMY
Hi.
JOSH
What are you doing up here?
AMY
I do some work for these guys.
JOSH
It's a great event.
AMY
Yeah. You look good.
JOSH
Yeah?
AMY
No. You look tired.
JOSH
Well, you look good.
AMY
Yes, I know.
JOSH
Okay.
AMY
Hey did you...? I heard you got left behind by the motorcade.
JOSH
Yeah, it-it took us 20 hours to get out of Indiana. You should have been with us. You'd have fun.
AMY
I would have. I don't know what to say about the pipe bombing.
JOSH
There's nothing to say. I-I was trying...
AMY
I miss you.
JOSH
...to call Stackhouse.
AMY
I'm sorry?
JOSH
What did you say?
AMY
No, you said you called Howard?
JOSH
Yeah, I haven't heard back. What... What did you say?
AMY
You were calling about Sullivan?
JOSH
Yeah, they're-they're not returning my call. I shouldn't be nervous, right?
AMY
No, you should be.
JOSH
Did you say you missed me?
AMY
Josh...
JOSH
What do you mean I should be nervous?
AMY
We're considering...
JOSH
We?
AMY
Stackhouse.
JOSH
The District Court says Howard Stackhouse can appear in the debate. Is Stackhouse... under new management?
AMY
It's been... For debate prep, it's been offered to me.
JOSH
This is not-not the deal we made with them. In one week, he is supposed to endorse te President.
AMY
He never thought he'd get in the debate.
JOSH
He's not. So, he's-he's moving you from consultant...
AMY
I don't know, it's all happening fast. It's just today. I'm considering it.
JOSH
It wasn't the deal we had. [walks away]
AMY
[whispers as Josh leaves] I miss you.
SAM
I mean, you got to ask yourself multi-million dollar bonuses are deductible and not tuition?
C.J.
It's 'casue corporations donate to all the members of the tax writing committee.
SAM
I didn't mean you really have to ask yourself. I knew you knew the answer.
C.J.
Ritchie's all ready coming after us for politicizing the budget. Plus, Leo hates to make policy
through tax code, 'cause then we can't do any kind of reform without unraveling it.
SAM
Was that Amy?
JOSH
Yeah. If the Sullivan decision's upheld, Stackhouse wants into the debate. He's not going to
endorse the President.
SAM
Had to see that coming.
JOSH
I'm calling Bruno.
SAM
The Court's going to stay the effect. He's not going to be in the debate. Josh'll take care of it.
Anyway, college tuition.
C.J.
Another reason not to do it.
TOBY
There are a lot of reasons not to do it. But... we met a guy last night at an airport hotel in the bar.
His daughter was upstairs in the room. They'd been looking at colleges. He makes $55,000 a year. His
mutual fund got beat up yesterday on Wall Street. And he was so happy to be taking his daughter to
colleges. He came downstairs to the bar 'cause he didn't want her to see that he didn't know how he
was going to pay for it. There are a lot of reasons not to do it, but during the first campaign the
President said there are two kinds of politicians.
SAM
The ones who try to say yes, and the ones who try to say no.
TOBY
We're going to throw these guys out 'cause they want to say no.
C.J.
I guess if we're going to get thrown out, I don't want it to be for that. Let's take it to Leo.
CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE - NIGHT
A woman picks up her ringing phone.
WOMAN
Hello? Matt? Matt?
MATT KELLY
Yeah?
WOMAN
It's for you. A man named Toby Ziegler. Do you know him?
MATT
Yeah. Hello.
TOBY
Matt, it's me from last night. yeah, we got... got home fine, thanks. Now, let me tell you what we're working on.
DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *
The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells
Productions, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.
Episode 4.03 -- "College Kids"
Original Air Date: October 2, 2002, 9:00 PM EST
Transcript by: The Vault
October 20, 2002